


This Is the Day

by IttyBittyTeapot (LittleSeedofDarkness)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bartender Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Bittersweet, College Student Eren Yeager, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, Falling In Love, Kink Negotiation, Levi/Eren Yeager-centric, Light Angst, M/M, Overstimulation kink, Porn with Feelings, Praise Kink, Spanking, age gap, non-binary hanji
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-10-26
Packaged: 2018-10-15 21:08:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 100,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10557738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSeedofDarkness/pseuds/IttyBittyTeapot
Summary: Eren is a struggling and mildly depressed student. His friends have left for college and he has trouble getting by, but when he decides to escape his shitty apartment and go for a walk one night, he stumbles onto a nearby bar and meets the man who will change his life.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So... I was writing an update for one of my other fics, innocently listening to New Wave music and New Wave Trash Bartender!Levi appeared in my head and he refuses to go away. I've never written a multi-chapter Modern AU before for any fandom. Ever. Normally I'm a canonverse kind of girl, but I guess there's a first time for everything. :D

  Eren didn’t know where he was going, only that he had to get out of his little apartment. It was small, old, musty, and not to mention he really hated the place. Though, he was aware it could have been worse. He could have been on the street, starving, cold, no bed, with only the clothes on his back.

  He felt guilty for being pissed about it, but his friends had so much, and he had so little. They’d all left, gone away to college, to new adult lives, and Eren was stuck by himself with few prospects. He had his weekly allowance, and though it was enough to feed himself and pay for his shitty apartment, it didn’t leave him much to work with. He couldn’t even afford to get a television to keep him company.

  He had his old laptop and his phone, but that didn’t make much difference when he couldn’t pay for internet to do anything with them. His budget left him with a choice between the ability to surf the web or having a working phone so he could speak with his friends. He opted for basic phone service.

  Eren always chose what was the cheapest, that’s why he went on a lot of walks. They cost nothing.

  Had it been earlier in the evening, he likely would have taken the train to the library at the community college he attended, but by the time he’d arrive, it wouldn’t be worth the trouble. Instead, he’d left his apartment and just started walking with no destination in mind.

  The air was fresher outside, and he didn’t feel quite as alone out on the streets where there were other humans. Being in his apartment often made him feel disconnected, even with the piles of books that he’d checked out and been consuming. Sometimes a person needed contact with other people. Even if that contact was only the passing glances and occasional nods one would get from strangers on the street.

  He wasn’t sure how long he’d been out, but the lights in the window of a bar caught his attention as he meandered down the sidewalk. He’d noticed this place before, but not being a big drinker, nor being old enough to _order_ a drink, he never thought of going inside. Though, something about it attracted him. Perhaps that it was quieter than the other bars he passed, possibly the clientele he could see inside, or maybe the unique modern art that adorned the building. Whatever it was, he found his feet turning in its direction, intent on checking it out.

  When he reached the door, he took a deeper breath than normal, he’d never gone to a place like this, and never on his own, but something about it drew him in. His interest piqued more when he opened the door and walked inside.

   It wasn’t huge, rather on the small side. Dark, with blue and purple lighting splashed around. The building itself was most certainly old, but it was clean from what Eren could tell, and smelled better than his dingy apartment. It was by no means empty, yet uncrowded. Around thirty people were milling about, talking with each other, playing pool, some sitting at the bar staring blankly. That’s where Eren made his way to, seeing an empty stool toward the end, far away from the rest of the loners occupying themselves there.

   This was comfortable, better than home, and with the older more mellow music and the soothing lighting, he was sure he could get used to the place, or at the very least spend an hour there, and people watch.

   Like the short man behind the bar. He was mesmerizing. He looked older than Eren, possibly in his mid-twenties, and his arms were adorned with some of the most beautiful tattoos Eren had ever laid eyes on. His raven hair was shaved into an undercut, drawn back into a short ponytail, the fringe of his bangs falling out and into his face as he prepared orders.

  When he was done slinging drinks at the other end of the bar, Eren got a closer glimpse of the bartender as he opened the cash register, threw some money in and slammed the drawer shut. He looked impassive as he turned to approach Eren, not the smiling bartender Eren was used to seeing, like in those clubs he had gone to with Armin and Mikasa before they left. The ones they weren’t supposed to be entering in the first place, those bars that didn’t care they had been underage.

  “Oi, what do you want?” the bartender asked as he leaned forward.

  Eren didn’t know why, but something about the man’s voice left him off guard. It was rich, velvety, and the way his sterling grey eyes pierced into him wasn’t unnerving, but something else. It left him fumbling and tripping over his response. “Jus- just a coke.”

  “A Coke?” He looked at Eren a bit strangely. His expression barely changed, but Eren could tell he was taken aback by his order. “Nothing else, that’s it?”

  “With a cherry, too.” Eren didn’t know why he’d added that, and he felt like an idiot when the bartender quirked his brow at him.

  “Coke with a cherry it is,” the grey-eyed man said before pushing off the bar and getting Eren’s order.

 Eren was more comfortable here than most places, but he averted his eyes to his mostly useless phone while he waited, feeling self-conscious, then flicked them up to the man as he returned.

  “Thanks,” Eren said as the bartender set the glass down before him.

  “Coke with a cherry,” the bartender droned. “That’s two bucks, and I forgot, I need to see your I.D.”

  “Why? I didn’t order alcohol,” Eren pointed out.

  “I’ve got rules here, Brat.” The bartender leaned over the bar again, looking like he was preparing for an argument. “We don’t allow anyone under twenty-one, cuts back on problems for me.”

  Eren crumpled a little at that. It was calm there, he was thirsty, it was getting colder outside, and he didn’t want to go home. The steely-eyed man had even remembered his cherry. “I’m only nineteen.”

  “Then you’ve got to go,” the bartender said firmly and signaled toward the door. “I’m sorry. Really, I am, but I’ve had issues before.”

  “It’s alright.” Eren fished in his pocket and slapped a five down on the bar. It was the only extra money he had, and it sucked that he’d wasted part of it on a drink he wouldn’t be able to finish. He’d have to tip the bartender a dollar too, it wasn’t his fault Eren walked into a place he wasn't allowed in.

  When he returned with the change, the bartender didn’t immediately relinquish it. Instead, he eyed Eren as he tried to drink all the soda he could before being booted from the establishment. “You know, kid, if you’re going to go into a bar underage, you should hold off until later. It’s only eight-thirty. If you had waited until maybe ten or eleven I probably would have been too busy to remember to I.D. you for a Coke.”

  Eren only wanted some peace, to find a decent place to relax. “I wasn’t trying to sneak in. I was out walking, and I saw this place.”

  The bartender crossed his arms. “Why do you want to be here anyway? You were only ordering soda?”

  “I was lonely, I guess,” Eren shrugged. He could smack himself for saying it, but something in the man’s tone had softened when he inquired, and it made him spill it. “The music’s cool, too.”

  “You don’t have any friends?” the bartender asked.

  “They all left for college. I couldn’t afford to move,” Eren explained, looking down at his hands.

  “What’s your name, Brat?”

  “Eren,” he whispered.

  “I’m Levi.” He set the money on the bar, silent until Eren looked back up at him. “You don't seem like a hooligan. How about I let you finish your soda. You can even have another if you want, but you need to fuck off by ten when the underage kids start trying to get in here.”

  “Really?” Eren asked for assurance, sounding more eager than he wanted.

  “Don't get too excited,” Levi said. “I’ll tell Hanji not to bother you.”

  “Hanji?” Eren asked.

  “Yeah. They’re my manager. They suck at managing most of the time, but they don’t complain, don’t give me shit, and as much as they babble, even a grumpy old bartender needs some company that isn’t customers sometimes.”

  “Okay, thanks. I promise I won’t be any trouble.”

  “Better not be,” Levi warned before walking away.

  Ten o’clock was later than Eren had planned to stay when he arrived, but he was thankful he didn’t need to return to his depressing stroll around the city or his cruddy apartment just yet. He liked it there in the bar, and Levi seemed interesting. He would have enjoyed talking with him more if the bartender had the time. Unfortunately, he was busy taking orders and making drinks, though he’d occasionally stop and check if Eren wanted another Coke.

  He would have accepted the offer for more one of the first three times Levi had asked if he had the money for it, but Eren wanted to stretch out his time there as long as he possibly could. The fourth time Levi asked him, Eren glanced at his phone, seeing it was nine-thirty and mentally prepared to say goodbye to his last three dollars.

  “One more, I guess. With a cherry.”

  This time Levi didn't look at him strangely before he walked away.

  When Levi returned, Eren pushed his last dollar forward for a tip and went to take a sip of his soda. Cherries floated across the top of the drink, at least ten from what he could tell, but when he looked up to say ‘thank you,' Levi was already across the bar pouring drinks.

 

  XxXxX

 

  On his way to the market, Eren walked passed the bar. It wasn’t the first time he had since the night he stumbled in there two weeks before. It wasn’t far from his apartment, but he’d never attempted to go back inside. Levi had generously allowed him to stay that one time, but it would be going too far to enter again knowing Levi’s rules. He sighed. He had enjoyed it there, and after spending the past year alone since his friends left, it felt good to talk to someone, even if it was brief and only with a bartender who almost kicked him out.

  Though he entertained the idea for a moment of going back in later, he dismissed it and put his thoughts toward budgeting his money for the week's food. He had forty dollars, enough to stock him up on Ramen and frozen dinners. If he was lucky and the Ramen was on sale, he’d be able to swing a carton of milk and box of the fruity cereal he liked that his mom used to buy for him. It was a stretch, but he hoped he’d have a bit of good luck today.

  Wandering through the store, he used the calculator on his phone to add everything up, bitching to himself as he was forced to put a bottle of soda he couldn’t afford back on the shelf then strolled toward the checkout.

  He watched nervously as the girl scanned his items, feeling a tightening in his chest when it appeared the total was going to exceed the amount of money he had available.

  “How can it be that much already?” he asked pointing at the screen, noting the total of $37.89.

  “Do you need to put something back?” the woman sneered, sounding exhausted.

  “I added it up. The Ramen’s supposed to be $10.00, not $15.00. It’s on sale!”

  “Not according to the scanner.”

  Eren glared at her, jaw tensing in annoyance as he thought how to respond. He was going to have to tell her to forget the milk, and maybe the cereal too.

  “Eren?”

  He heard a voice behind him, familiar, yet different from the louder atmosphere he had heard it in before, but he recognized it and turned around.

  “Levi?” Eren said, mouth agape.

  He was standing behind him in line with two tins of tea in his hands, and there Eren was holding him up while he figured out what to part with.

  “Yeah, Levi,” the older man repeated.

  “Sorry.” Eren felt embarrassed, the feeling heightening now with Levi’s gaze upon him. “I have to put something back. I’ll be fast. I’m sorry.”

  He turned back to the cashier. “Forget the milk.”

  There was a surprising brush of a hand against his arm, then Eren was shuffled gently to the side as Levi moved up to the checkout girl and handed her a ten dollar bill. “Leave the milk, and finish checking him out.”

  “I can’t let you do that,” Eren murmured. He wanted to look Levi in the eyes but he couldn’t.

  “You’re a growing brat, and judging by the rest of the shit you bought, your body could use the vitamins in that milk.” Levi didn’t relinquish the spot, standing between Eren and the girl who was now holding out her hand while chirping his total at him.

  “But…”

  “Just give her the money, Eren.” Levi’s tone was less demanding now, gentler, and Eren felt compelled to stretch his arm out past Levi and hand the girl the two twenties that had been wadded up in his fist. It wasn’t worth arguing and enduring the awkward exchange anymore.

  “Thank you,” Eren managed out and grabbed his bags with a curt nod to Levi, still averting his eyes, before abruptly leaving the store as fast as he could. He strode quickly, chiding himself, cheeks still flushed from the interaction. It was terrible from almost any angle he looked at it. Shameful, really.

  He had barely made it halfway through the parking lot muttering to himself and longing for home before a car slowed next to him. He tried not to look, but it kept pace as he tried his best to ignore it. When he was about to look over and ask whoever it was what the hell they wanted, he heard his name and felt a wave of nervousness take him. He stopped, swallowed hard and leaned down slowly, seeing Levi in the driver’s seat.

  He felt exposed, like an asshole for leaving so rudely. He had probably pursued him to chew him out for being such an ungrateful jerk. “I’m sorry I walked away. Thank you again, but you really didn’t have to do that for me.”

  Levi craned his neck and glanced down at Eren’s hands. “You have a lot. You’re walking?”

  “Well, yeah.” Eren felt his cheeks flush more. “I don’t have a car.”

  “Get in, I’ll give you a ride home,” Levi said as he shifted the car into park.

  There was a click of the lock, and Levi sat there looking at him. His grey eyes drilled into Eren as he stood stock-still, mouth suddenly feeling very parched.

  “I swear I don’t bite,” Levi said with a smirk. “And I won’t drive you anywhere strange and do funny things to you.”

  “You have a sick sense of humor, you know,” Eren groused.

  “Good. I’ve been told I don’t have one at all.”

  Eren grumbled but reached for the door handle and got in regardless. He wasn’t sure why.

  There was that little smile again on Levi’s face, and then he was pulling away. “Left or right?”

  “Right. I live around the corner from the bar.”

  The ride was awkward, mainly quiet, and didn’t take more than five minutes. Though Eren was uncomfortable and couldn’t quite form words, instead he found himself scanning the tattoos on Levi’s arms. He couldn't tear his eyes away even when he saw Levi notice. They were all black, quite intricate, and something about them fascinated him. Not only that, but Levi himself was becoming intriguing as well. He was weird and snippy but nice in his own way.

  The only conversation had been Levi making jokes about Eren’s Ramen, and Eren giving directions once they made it past the bar. The jokes were slightly mean, but they were missing the nastiness that Eren would have expected to accompany the words. 

  When they reached the front of Eren’s building, he got out, ready to say ‘thank you’ one last time, but was startled when Levi got out of his car, and took the bags from his right hand, leaving with half of them, and began walking to the door.

  Eren stood and only stared at him. He was so strange; allowing Eren to stay at the bar when he was too young to be inside, then paying for his milk, giving him a ride, and now it sure as fuck looked like he was trying to help him carry his groceries up to his apartment. Who in the hell was this guy?

  “What are you doing?” Eren knew the answer, but he couldn’t think of anything else to say.

  “I was going to help you with your bags, but if you want to lug them all inside by yourself, have at it,” Levi said and held the groceries out, looking bored.

  Eren shuffled past him, the inclination to squabble with Levi over the gesture waning when he met his eyes. He fumbled with his key, stuck it in the lock and opened the door. “It’s on the fourth floor, and the elevator is busted.”

  “I think I’ll survive,” Levi said before Eren turned and started up the stairs.

  Eren could feel his anxiety rising as they neared his floor. Levi hadn't made any comments about the building, but it was shitty. Not only college student level crappy, just pitiful and rundown, and he couldn’t picture him thinking anything good about his residence or him, for that matter.

  Just to add insult to injury, Eren dropped his keys to the door once they reached his apartment, and he wondered why Levi put him on such edge. It only got worse when he struggled with his bags as he stooped to grab them from the floor only to watch Levi gracefully bend down to retrieve them.

  Eren put his hand out to take them, and the brush of Levi’s fingers against his skin sent a pleasant staticky sensation up his arm when he set them in his upturned palm. It settled in his chest, and he wondered if his day could be any stranger.

  “It not very nice inside,” Eren warned as he unlocked the door and pushed it open.

  “I’m sure I’ve seen worse,” Levi assured and followed Eren inside.

  Eren had cleaned it the best he could when he moved in, but he had struggled with the stains and the stale smell that lingered since he found the place two months earlier. He waited for the judgment to come as he set his bags on the counter and took the other ones from Levi.

  “Stop being so nervous, Brat,” Levi said as he scanned the room. “You should see the place I grew up in.”

  “It’s not much, but it’s all I can afford,” Eren revealed.

  “I figured as much based on your diet,” Levi smirked, but there was no malice in it. “Can’t say I blame you for wanting to get out of this shit-hole, though.”

  “Hey!” Eren yelled.

  “Calm down. I didn't mean anything by it.” Levi dropped the sarcasm and ran his hand through his bangs. “Don't your parents help you out?”

  “I don't have any. My mom and dad died two years ago. Car crash.” That was a sore spot, and Eren didn't understand why he was divulging it to Levi.

  “I know it sucks.” Levi shifted his weight, appearing uncomfortable. “I don't have my parents either.”

  The conversation was diving into places Eren didn’t want to go, and Levi looked antsy too. His face frequently didn't hint at much from what Eren had seen in their limited exchanges so far, but he was looking down, and a barely-there frown was creasing his forehead.

  Levi didn't seem to Eren like the type who was looking for sympathy after revealing that he was parentless as well. That didn't mean he felt as though he should ignore what Levi said, but he grappled with his response while what felt like long minutes ticked by.

  “Sorry. I guess we have something in common,” Eren said weakly.

  “Yeah,” Levi said, and his expression changed when he met Eren’s eyes. “You don’t have to get sappy about it.”

  There was quiet discomfort that stretched between them, but Eren liked something about Levi, and he wished he wasn't so terrible at socializing. Though his embarrassment about the grocery store began to ebb away, and he felt like he should tell Levi he was grateful again. “Thanks for helping me out. And for the ride too.”

  “No need to thank me so much, Brat,” Levi said, and Eren was glad Levi’s abrasiveness was returning when he noticed him barely roll his eyes.

  “I’d offer you a drink, but I only have water,” Eren said, feeling inadequate.

  Levi didn’t immediately respond. Instead, he crossed his arms and eyed Eren and the apartment again. “If you want to come to the bar, you can. I won’t kick you out.”

  “What?” Eren asked sounding more excited than he would have liked. He wasn't sure if he heard Levi correctly and was uncertain why he was so enticed by the offer.

  “Relax, it’s not like I asked you to marry me,” Levi scoffed, but once again there wasn't any bite behind his words.

  “Sorry. It’s just boring here sometimes.”

  “You didn't cause me any headaches when you were there, and the regulars can get on my nerves.” This time Levi did roll his eyes. “And you don't get drunk. I hate drunk people.”

  “Then why are you a bartender?” Eren asked.

  “Actually, I’m the bar owner,” Levi revealed. “It’s a long story. Too long for right now, but I sort of fell into it.”

  “Maybe you can tell me when I come to the bar,” Eren said and smiled big for the first time that day.

  “Maybe,” Levi said, and Eren noticed the left side of his lips lift slightly. “I better get going. I have to get ready to open, and you need to get that milk in the fridge.”

  “Oh yeah,” Eren said, before almost tripping on the way to the door, missing the smile on Levi’s face as he moved to leave.

  “I’ll see you sometime at the bar, Brat.”

  “Yep,” Eren said as he saw Levi out. He lingered at his open door for a moment, watching until he rounded the corner and was out of sight.

  When he was secured inside, Eren leaned back and closed his eyes. His mind reeled from the day. It hadn’t started out good, but it got better, and Levi’s offer to allow him in his bar was the highlight of it. He wanted to go that night, but the invitation sounded casual, and he had class early the next day. Tomorrow was Friday though, and it would be something to look forward to.

  For the first time in a very long time Eren had plans, and for the first time in a long time, someone wanted his company.


	2. Chapter 2

  The day had felt as if it dragged on the worth of five days. Eren had fidgeted his way through the remainder of Thursday after Levi left his apartment only to squirm through his Friday morning classes as well and the balance of the afternoon.

  The excitement was brewing beneath the surface and paying attention to anything his professor was saying had become a task Eren had regretfully given up on. Excitement had then given way to sheer anxiety on his way home and had ruled the rest of the day, was still ruling it now. He was preoccupied, confused about why it felt like such a big deal, but it _was_ a big deal nonetheless.

  He looked down at the choice of shirts laid out on his bed. The ones he had pulled out all worried a half an hour earlier, attempting to choose which to wear. It was still chilly, though he had a few t-shirts he thought were ‘cool.’ Unfortunately, they weren’t exactly ‘him’ either. Then there were some striped button downs that he liked a lot, although they seemed so formal and they were nearing retirement. He had nothing good.

  His fingers ran tensely through his hair as he scanned the options again, felt like they might snap off his hands with how stiff they were. He pulled tightly for a moment like a sting in his scalp could give him clarity. Pulled, so he wasn’t torn between trying to decide what dumb shirt to put on and feeling like a complete dork for making such a big production about a simple decision.

  The debate ended with a palm to his forehead and an embarrassed sigh as he grabbed his favorite shirt. Black, worn and faded with vertical white stripes, looked about as ancient as it was. It wasn’t impressive, but he liked it. It was him, and familiarity was more comfortable than something new.

  Putting it on was a big step in itself, the tension in his muscles building as he put his arms through the sleeves and the soft fabric settled on his torso. By the time he’d accomplished that, Eren felt as if he’d worked out for two hours. Everything was so tight, and his chest hurt.

  He took a deep breath and then shaking hands fumbled with buttons as Eren struggled to get them through the buttonholes, and his fingers quivered more when he found his palms oddly sweaty. Gross.

  He glared at himself in his bedroom mirror, felt his throat tighten when scanned himself from top to bottom. The shirt was worn out, and _he_ looked worn out. He shouldn't care this much, didn't understand why he did, but Eren was less confident in his outfit choice now than he was five minutes ago.

  He stood there and stared, jumped when a blaring horn outside his building startled him. It left him grinding his teeth and wanting to scream out the window, but the distraction quickly gave way to a thread of relief after it drew his attention away from that stupid mirror.

  There wasn't time for this if he was going to go, and the bar was darker than his cruddy apartment, maybe Levi wouldn't notice how utterly terrible he looked.

  He supposed this was to be expected. It was the first time Eren had plans in over a year since all his friends left. That could be why it felt so monumental, but below the surface, Eren sensed it was more than that. He wasn’t only excited about plans and leaving his apartment, he wanted to see Levi again.

  Levi had dominated his thoughts since he’d departed the day before. If Eren were honest, he’d thought of him before that too. After their first encounter when he’d met him. Flitting images of him and recollections of bits of conversation crossed Eren’s mind since then while he would be doing something boring like making his bed or walking to the train.

  To see Levi again at the grocery store was a surprise, and a welcome one regardless that the situation had embarrassed Eren. As much as Levi quipped at him and was sarcastic, there was something about his snippy attitude that drew him in. Part of him felt it was some form of worship, thinking he was interesting, avant-garde, but another part of Eren naturally found Levi to be so exciting and incredible. Levi was all the things Eren wasn’t.

  That interaction the day before was what had led him here, led him to the short walk to his bathroom to brush fingers that refused to work properly through his hair. It never did what he wanted, and seemed to want to even less now that he really needed it not to look terrible tonight. That mirror was vexing him like the other. Reminding him how utterly inadequate he felt.

  “I suck,” Eren said. There was no one there to hear him, no one to tell him he was wrong. At the same time, there was no one there to reinforce it, and something about voicing his insecurities made what discomfort he was feeling lift, if only slightly.

  It was enough to make him move though. His palms were still sweaty as he fumbled with his socks and boots, and his fingers shook as he tied his laces, but he drew in a shaky breath on the edge of panicking, pictured Levi, held the image in his mind. If he could get through the nervousness that was who was waiting for him.

  Even as he thought of him, there was a part of Eren that wanted to strip down to his boxers and a t-shirt, cuddle up in his bed with a book and pretend Levi never said he could come back. It had been easier before he saw Levi the day before, but it wasn’t the same now, and he knew this man wasn’t going to get out of his fucking head. Eren couldn’t go back to before yesterday, couldn’t let it be that one enjoyable evening topped off with the disappointment of not being able to go hang out there again. He’d managed that, had been working through it, but this had him near an anxiety attack.

  He thought about what Mikasa used to tell him to do when he’d felt this way, then took a big deep breath, closed his eyes and pictured the ocean. The waves crashing, capped with white froth, the feel of sand under his feet and the warmth of the sun on his face. The tension seeped away slightly as Eren breathed through it. The worse thing that could happen was that Levi only told him to stop in to be nice because he pitied him, that he hadn’t really thought Eren would show up and then the entire evening would turn awkward and Eren would leave early and get himself over it.

  He gave his forehead one last press to his open doorway, closed his eyes, took deep cleansing breaths, stood there psyching himself up before he walked over the threshold and locked it up behind him. He could do this.

  It was like a prayer as he left, as his feet hit the pavement, and although the walk was blessedly short, it almost felt as if it was too short. He was in front of the bar before he knew it, stood outside judging himself again, watched the half-assed sunset he could barely see with all the buildings that were in the way, and closed his eyes again.

  Levi might not care that he had come. It was the most awful thing that could happen, Eren thought as he blew out a breath, walked to the door and reached out a trembling hand. He noted how slippery it was on the handle, but he’d gotten it open, and somehow willed himself inside on legs that felt like jelly.

  “Brat,” Levi called as Eren made it through the door.

  Eren heard him, watched him standing behind the bar, raising his arm.

  “Hey,” Eren squeaked. He couldn't move. Levi’s voice had made more of the anxiety drain from his tensed muscles, but it felt like it was pooling in his feet, weighing them down like lead.

  “You need a fancy invitation?” Levi snarked, watching him from across the room. He looked so good as Eren observed him, dressed in a black button-down shirt, sleeves rolled halfway up his forearms so Eren could see those tattoos again. He felt like his chest was on fire.

  Levi didn’t smile, didn’t do anything that would have allowed Eren to get any sort of reading on him, but he was close. Levi was back there calling to him, didn’t appear to be bothered by his presence, and Eren felt his stomach do something like a flip before he made himself walk closer and take the same seat he had the first time he was there.

  Eren’s mouth was getting drier – fuck, he needed a Coke, and he fumbled like an idiot trying to pull his arms free of his jacket. Somehow he got himself settled, all the while feeling the weight of Levi’s heavy gaze on him. He put his hand through his hair again, left it settled against the back of his neck, and wondered how Levi seemed so much taller than him now.

  It was hard to meet Levi’s eyes while they were boring into him like that, and Eren wet his lips. “Sorry, it’s been a long week.”

  “You and me both,” Levi said. “Coke with a cherry?”

  He quirked his lip after he asked. Eren felt infinitely better, and wondered how such a tiny little thing had such an effect. “Yeah, thanks.”

  Eren looked around, trying to look anywhere besides at the beautiful tattooed bartender who was making up his drink, then attempted to dry that bothersome sweat off his hands with a bar napkin.

  “I have to take care of a few people, so give me a minute,” Levi said as he set down the drink, and Eren watched as he slid down to the other end of the bar.

  There were a bunch of cherries in his Coke again, and he felt his eyes go wide while a burst of warmth bloomed in his chest. It was more than what he asked for, and he pushed his money across the bar and tried to look anywhere but at Levi. He could feel the blush creeping across his face, how his cheeks got hot each time he saw him from the corner of his eye.

  It took a few sips of soda, but he was getting more comfortable, the racing in his chest had slowed, butterflies finally settling, if only a bit. He looked around, admired the art on the walls, and wished for a moment he had brought a book because his phone was nearly useless for hiding and being anti-social.

  “You’re adorable!” someone squealed close to his ear.

  Eren almost flew off his stool then looked next to him seeing a bright-eyed person grinning at him with eyes that sparkled madly behind a set of glasses.

  “Um… thanks,” Eren whispered as he resettled. He wasn’t used to people saying things like that to him.

  The squealer sat down next to him, bumping their shoulder into his as they did. “I’m Hanji, and you must be _Eren_.”

  “I am.” He wasn’t sure what to say, and he swallowed hard because he wasn’t certain how Hanji knew who he was.

  Hanji leaned in close, their voice breathy and high. “Oh, you’re darling, even more than Levi described.”

  Eren sputtered, almost inhaled his soda. “He told you about me?”

  “A little.” Hanji drew out the last syllable, bringing their thumb and index finger up before their face and held them near half an inch apart.

  Eren panicked, felt his chest tighten once more. It could be bad, and it could be good that Levi told Hanji about him, but he felt like he wanted to fold in on himself. What if Levi had told Hanji about the grocery store?

  “I hope it wasn’t all bad,” Eren mustered out. He was going to die if Hanji knew.

  “Of course it wasn’t bad.” Hanji genuinely looked perplexed. “Why would you think that?”

  “I don’t know,” Eren replied. Hanji either didn’t know, or they were an excellent liar.

  The way Hanji was looking at him was almost unnerving, their grin was still plastered across their face, they looked so damn excited. Like they found Eren to be the most fascinating person in the world.

  Eren fiddled with his fingers, looked down into his soda. There was more to this, he could tell, but asking might open a box that he wasn’t sure he wanted to deal with. The anxiety was already bordering on too much without adding to it.

  “Levi doesn’t usually find most people interesting enough to talk about, but he mentioned you after you came in a couple weeks ago, and he talked about you last night too. He even smiled a big smile,” Hanji explained, practically screeching while beaming at Eren again.

  “Why don’t you get to work, Hanji,” Levi scolded as he arrived and leaned against the bar.

  Eren watched Levi glare in Hanji’s direction, saw Hanji snicker as they looked between him and Levi. Eren felt like he heard a joke that he had missed half of.

  “He’s so cute, Levi!”

  “Shut the fuck up,” Levi countered. “Go on, shoo.”

  Hanji ducked as they rose from the stool, dodging the straw Levi had flung at them and walked away quickly.

  Eren didn’t miss the way Levi had stiffened, how he wouldn’t look at him.

  “That’s your manager?” Eren asked, trying to break the awkward silence.

  “Yeah. I’m sorry they were bugging you.” Levi shifted, leaned against the bar and narrowed his eyes.

  “They weren’t.” Hanji hadn’t mentioned anything about it, but Eren needed to know. “They don’t know about the grocery store thing yesterday, do they?”

  “What do I look like? Some shitty guy who would tell everyone your business?” Levi asked. He sounded offended, pissed, his voice was clipped.

  Eren winced, his stomach felt like it was going to bottom out. He’d insulted him. “No. No, you don’t! I jus- just got worried. It was embarrassing.”

  Eren watched Levi’s expression lose its edge, felt his heart pound hard again as he leaned over the bar closer to him.

  “I’m a nice guy sometimes. But don’t tell anyone.” Levi smiled the tiniest fraction of a smile Eren had ever seen, but he recognized it. More than anything, he _felt_ it.

  “I didn’t think you’d come in, Eren.”

  “Why?” Eren hoped to any God available to hear his pleas that Levi wasn’t annoyed he showed up.

  Levi smirked again and rested his chin on his fist. “You seem like a nervous wreck. Like you don’t get out much.”

  How could he be that transparent?

  “I don’t, but I don’t know…”

  Eren watched Levi frown at him as if he was thinking hard. “If it weren't for this place, I wouldn’t get out much either. You worry too much.”

  Eren ate more of his cherries, stuffing his mouth while Levi only watched. He had no inkling of how to carry on the conversation. Eren liked Levi, but talking to him was like walking through a minefield. He didn’t know what would trigger a snarky response. He didn’t mind them, but it had him feeling like he was on a rollercoaster, a bunch of highs and lows, and he was so fearful of saying the wrong thing.

  “So how did you end up with this bar.” That had to be safe. Levi already told him about it, said he’d possibly explain it another time.

  Levi’s lips curled into a broad smile, broad for him, at least. “It was my uncle, Kenny’s.”

  “Did you buy it from him?” Eren asked. “You look too young to own a bar.”

  Levi laughed. It wasn’t loud, barely there, but it was a laugh, and it matched the man so well. “I’m thirty-three, Brat.”

  Eren’s mouth fell open while his heart sank. Everything that had him so jumpy and messy clicked into place. Levi was fourteen years older than him, way too old to have any interest in him. This was what it was, why Eren was such a disaster all day, why he’d been a small disaster for the two weeks prior. Eren wanted Levi to be interested in him because he was interested in Levi. Five or six years difference might not have been a stretch, he was still putting a lot on hope in that case, but this… there was no way Levi would want to hang around a kid or date a kid.

  Levi waved his hand in front of Eren’s face, trying to get his attention. “I know it’s amazing, but it’s not _that_ amazing,”

  Eren’s heart was still dropping, probably had fallen to the center of the earth already, but he wasn’t going to sit there like an idiot. “It’s just you don’t look _that_ old.”

  “Holy fucking shit, Eren, you make it sound like my dick can’t get hard anymore and I’m ready for a shitty rest home.”

  Eren banged his head lightly on the edge of the bar. Everything he said pissed Levi off. He stayed that way, stared at his shoes, chewed hard on his lip until he felt fingers on the back of his head slipping through his hair.

  “I did that thing again when someone thinks they pissed me off,” Levi whispered, breathy, close to his ear as he tugged gently on Eren’s hair. “Sorry.”

  Eren didn’t pull his head up right away. He stayed there, loving the way Levi’s hand felt, his whole body relaxing, warmth crawling over his skin from the little fire that had sparked in his chest. He kept his head on the bar as long as he could until he almost whined, finally raised it, savoring how Levi’s hand remained there until it was impossible for him to keep it there anymore.

  “I wasn’t trying to be an asshole,” Eren apologized, looking at Levi’s hand on the bar. The one that had only been touching him moments before. He could barely breathe again. “I was only surprised.”

  “Looking younger than I am is the one good thing I got out of my family.” It was barely there, but Eren heard it. The way Levi’s voice lowered for only a moment in the end. Like it was something that hurt.

  “You got a bar from your uncle,” Eren countered.

  “My uncle was a fucking douche-bag.” There was a tinge of venom in Levi’s voice. “Asshole got himself in debt, got himself in trouble with the law, he was going to lose this place when they arrested him. Fucker didn’t have enough money for his defense attorney, so I paid off the debts and gave him the rest of what I had as payment for the bar. It was a stellar deal for me, at least.”

  “Did he get out of trouble?” Eren questioned, not knowing if he should be asking, but Levi laughed again.

  “He’s dead. The fucker ended up in prison, pissed off someone in there and got his ass stabbed.” Levi didn’t seem regretful or sad, possibly impassive. “He did everything he got arrested for too, real nasty shit. This place was a mess when I bought it. Drug dealers, prostitutes, shady shit everywhere. I cleaned it up, stopped watering down the liquor and started playing better music.”

  “I’m sorry,” Eren said, lost.

  “Don’t be. Kenny took shit care of me after my mom died, then abandoned me when I was thirteen. He was a shitty person.” It was a personal thing to spill out, but his expression didn’t give away a hint of anything to Eren.

  The conversation was so wrong, Eren felt like a terrible person for asking Levi about it now. “I shouldn’t have asked.”

  “Don’t get all sappy again,” Levi began, the smile barely surfacing again. “If I hadn’t wanted to tell you, I’d have said to fuck off.”

  “I guess I’m not sorry, then.” It was daring, and Eren wasn’t sure where he’d pulled the courage to say it from. Perhaps Levi’s abrasiveness was rubbing off on him… or maybe confidence.

  “Good.” Levi leaned in closer again, close to Eren’s ear. It wasn’t even that loud in the bar. “There’s no point in having regrets, Brat.”

  Eren stuck his face in his glass, hiding for a moment and gulped the rest down then set it on the bar. “I suppose not.”

  “You want another?” Levi asked as he lifted Eren’s empty glass.

  “I should really pace myself.”

  “It’s Coke, not Everclear,” Levi pointed out.

  “I don’t have a lot of money though.” It was embarrassing. Here Eren was rationing out Cokes because he shouldn’t have been spending money on them in the first place.

  Levi’s expression changed, a hint of him kicking himself in the ass noticeable for making Eren admit it.

  “On the house,” Levi offered as he leaned in close again.

  “I can’t let you—“

  Levi cut him off. “Fuck Brat, can’t you just let a wonderful guy buy you drinks in his own bar, or am I too _old_?”

  “No. No, I didn’t mean it like that. No, you’re not,” Eren explained frantically. “I suck.”

  “Shut the fuck up, you don’t,” Levi argued before walking away to get Eren more Coke.

  Eren didn’t know how this was turning out. He was bad at interacting, couldn’t read Levi. He couldn’t tell when he was joking or when Levi was serious, and Eren wasn’t sure if he’d actually offended Levi when he became surprised about his age. It really felt like Levi was flirting with him. Touching his hair, the way he toyed with it and then kept his hand there as long as he could. And that last thing about buying him a drink… asking if he was too old to do that for him.

  The nervousness that threatened to crack Eren in two earlier was peeling away to make way for something else now. Filling up his stomach with butterflies, making his throat tight, his eyes almost burning when he grappled to find the proper responses to Levi. Half of it felt wonderful, half of it didn’t.

  He was becoming slightly more comfortable with Levi, and so much more interested in him now, but that left him with the problem of not tripping over himself and sounding like an utter fool. An issue he was dealing with now as Levi set another Coke in front of him, once again full of cherries and Eren couldn’t help blushing and wanting so much for Levi to be doing it to be sweet in his own weird way.

  “Thanks,” Eren said and hoped his face wasn’t as red as it felt. “Thank you.”

  “I didn’t suck you off, it’s just a Coke,” Levi said as he slid a straw into Eren’s drink.

  “Oh my god,” Eren gasped. He knew his face was red as a beet, and Levi was just smiling at him. Leaning over the bar, his face about a foot from Eren’s, with that weird little half a smile, the one that curled up on the left that Eren hadn’t completely figured out yet.

  “I told you yesterday that you don’t have to thank me so much.” Levi’s tone didn’t match the flirtatiousness of what he’d just said, and Eren was so confused. “You’re wound up so tight, you’re going to have a heart attack before you’re old like me.”

  “I told you I didn’t mean it like that!”

  Levi only smiled at Eren, this time bigger and Eren's scowl died as he began to catch on.

  “I have a lot of shit to worry about,” Eren confessed.

  “We all do, Brat.” Levi didn’t look at Eren, just stared down at his hand like he was thinking hard, and Eren watched him swallow before his eyes flicked up. Watched the way his Adam’s apple bobbed when he swallowed again before he spoke. “You could hang out here more if you want. You might learn to relax. Most of the people here are assholes, but a few aren’t, and you’ll learn to love Hanji.”

  Finals were going to be coming up, and Eren knew that spending too much time fucking off could be a terrible idea. School was the only thing he had to hang onto to make his shitty life better in the future. “On the weekends maybe or if I don’t have class in the morning.”

  “I didn’t mean to neglect your studies,” Levi explained. His smile was still there, but it softened a little, less snarky now. “You can have free Coke.”

  Eren couldn’t believe what he was going to ask, his lungs almost pushed all his breath away as he opened his mouth. He wasn’t this brave, was never this brave. “Why would you bribe me with soda to come in here?”

  The rest of the smile on Levi’s face dropped, he looked so earnest, and Eren was bracing himself, sure he’d gone and pissed him off again. “I don’t know. I get sick of the people here. Do I need a reason?”

  Levi’s response was better than Eren expected. “I guess you don’t.”

  “Just don’t start acting shitty like the regulars,” Levi warned.

  “I’ll try not to.”


	3. Chapter 3

  Eren dropped his backpack on the floor and hefted himself up onto his stool. He didn't see Levi, but he waved across the bar at Hanji who called to him and smiled back before returning to busying themselves with what looked like invoices. It was early, and this was the norm when he got to the bar right after opening.

  He watched a few of the ‘assholes,' -as Levi called them-- arguing over a pool game, then pulled out one of his school books. He was less tense in here now, felt sort of like he was home, but there was a necessity to have something to hide behind when he wasn’t talking to Levi or Hanji. He’d began spending three or four evenings a week at Levi’s bar, Fridays and Saturdays, and a day or two during the week if he could spare it. Eren was doing better, and the last month had been the best in recent memory, better than anything he’d experienced since his parents died, better than anything since his friends left.

  It had taken a few more visits before Eren had been able to shuck off the near crippling anxiety Levi’s presence brought on, but it hadn’t been long before he began to understand the surly man better. Levi was still mysterious, fascinating, and for all his flirtatiousness still felt untouchable, but there was a comfort Eren found in him, and in the little niche he’d carved out for himself in the bar.

  Eren had a seat, it was _his_ place now. The stool at the far end near the wall that Levi would boot people out of upon Eren’s arrival. Levi knew he liked it there best, felt safest in his spot where he could hide if he felt like it. It also made it easier for him to study when Levi was busy.

  In the last two weeks, Eren had taken to bringing along school work at Levi’s prodding. He would occupy himself with it when Levi couldn’t stand around and chat with him.

  He could do something like settle into a boring review chapter for finals like he was doing now while trying to steady his nerves and get the butterflies to settle.

  Levi didn't make Eren _uncomfortably_ anxious anymore. Instead, he made him feel an entirely different kind of anxiety. Now it felt as if he was flying, made his fingers shake and his body tremble for other reasons. There was nervousness still, but presently it was more about anticipation than apprehension and fear.

  He stopped fretting about his clothing choices and his hair as he had before. There wasn’t a reason to since Levi never seemed to be judging him, and if the amount of time Levi spent stealing tussles to his locks indicated anything, it appeared Levi fancied it just how it was in all its untamed glory.

  It was what Levi did when he returned. Stepped close to Eren and played with the hair hanging over his forehead, brushing the rebellious pieces from in front of his eyes.

  Levi said nothing at first, only watched, looked at Eren fondly while the teen tried not to lean into his touch too much.

  “You’re early today, Brat.”

  Eren glanced at Levi and felt his chest warm up. “It’s Friday, and I finished my paper sooner than I expected.”

  “Good. When are you done for the semester?” Levi asked, and walked behind the bar.

  “About a month,” Eren groaned then watched Levi fill a glass with the soda gun and dump a spoonful of cherries into it.

   Levi deposited it in front of Eren, and Eren didn't attempt to pay.

  He leaned over the bar, peeking at Eren’s book. “Are your friends going to be home for the summer?”

  Eren sighed. “For some of it, but I don't know how much I’ll see them. I need to get a job… so random bartenders don't have to buy my milk.”

  “Random?” Levi asked feigning hurt. “I thought I was special.”

  Eren looked up about to say something sarcastic, but when he met Levi’s eyes, he felt as if he was melting and the quip died on his tongue. “You are.”

  Levi didn't respond, just kept staring at him with the left side of his lip quirked again, and Eren was thankful when Hanji ran up and interrupted them because he felt like his eyes were betraying his feelings far too much.

  “Did you say you were looking for a job, Eren?” Hanji inquired, too excited to be planning on talking about mundane bullshit.

  “Yeah. For the summer.”

  Hanji screeched, walked behind the bar, and stared down at Levi. “You should give the sweetie a job here.”

  Eren watched carefully, felt his heart plummet when Levi’s smile dropped, and he looked at his manager annoyed. “Hanji,” Levi warned.

  “What? I don't see the problem.” Hanji had deflated for barely a moment before their face was fixed with a determined expression.

  “He’s nineteen. There’s nothing he can do here,” Levi argued.

  “He can't serve alcohol, but he could work the door, or help me with all this paperwork.”

  Levi looked up at Hanji, his brow furrowing before he flicked his eyes to Eren and ushered his manager a few feet away then turned his back to the younger man.

  It left that discomfort Eren had recently become less aquatinted with to resurface in a wave, but he strained his ears and attempted to eavesdrop. Their voices were hushed, but Eren heard Levi whispering and caught words and phrases sporadically, “…I don't want him out _there_ …”

  He watched Hanji’s smile grow three sizes bigger, picked up them saying, “…I knew that you…”

  “…interfering…” Levi scowled, then said something Eren couldn’t hear, and countered with, “go fuck yourself.”

  There was more squealing from Hanji, Levi glancing over his shoulder at Eren, and some murmurs between them that Eren didn’t catch.

  “…back here with you,” Hanji retorted to something Levi said too quietly for Eren to figure out.

  “I swear I will wreck you if…” Levi threatened.

  “…adorable,” Hanji shrieked and poked Levi in his chest.

  Eren watched the exchange conclude. Observed Levi as he rolled his eyes at Hanji, and they both moved back toward him. He seemed out-of-sorts, but he took a short breath, exhaling slowly as he crossed his arms and leaned back.

  “How would you feel about helping me behind the bar, Brat?” Levi asked, face impassive as ever.

  Eren looked at Hanji who only smiled wider and nodded at him.

  “Well…” Eren felt like a deer caught in headlights with two hunters watching him ready to take their prize. There was no legitimate reason to refuse the job, but having Levi as a boss was terrifying. He was petrified. “What would I be doing? I don't know anything about working in a bar.”

  “You do whatever I tell you to do,” Levi drawled with a brief smirk then leaned over the bar.

  Eren’s cheeks heated up, and he could tell Levi noticed. His eyes narrowed, he wet his lips, and his smile returned. It was almost hungry, an expression Eren hadn’t seen on his face before. It made his breath ragged, and he shifted under the weight of it. Eren knew Levi was watching him closely, he was looking him in the eyes, almost predatory. Eren could feel his gaze all over his skin making it sensitive. His stomach began to warm, and too much blood was starting to flow where it shouldn’t be. This was not the place for his body to be reacting like this. Not in front of all these people, not in front of Hanji, and definitely not in front of Levi.

  He pushed his book into his lap, somehow found words and forced them out. “I- I think I can do that.”

  “Can you start tomorrow?” Levi asked still looking at Eren like he wanted to eat him up. “I’ll pay you eight dollars an hour, and you’ll get a portion of the tips.”

  “Tomorrow, yeah.” There was a new feeling of dread. He was going to fuck this up, and if the same thing happened tomorrow that was going on now, he was really going to fuck up bad.

  “This is so exciting!” Hanji practically yelled as their eyes darted between Eren and Levi.

  “Be here by seven,” Levi advised before leaning in further and getting into Eren’s space. “You eat all my cherries anyway, might as well start earning them.”

  “Fuck off! You just give them to me. I never once asked—“

  Levi quickly cut Eren off and brushed his bangs out of his face. “You’re doing that thing when you take me too seriously again.”

  “Oh,” Eren said, fighting the urge to nuzzle into Levi’s hand, struggling to keep himself from kissing the palm that brushed against his cheek. “I’ll stop that.”

 

XxXxX

 

  Being disrupted from rummaging through his closet at ten in the morning from a buzz at the door wasn’t what Eren expected. No one _ever_ came to visit him. His friends were away, they’d never been to his apartment, and he assumed it had to be a mistake as he walked over to the window to look out and tell whoever it was to go away.

  What met his eyes as he opened the window and stuck his head out only sent him into a mini panic. The short dark-haired man was unmistakable even from four stories up, and Eren’s stomach filled up with those damnable butterflies again, threatening to make it burst.

  Going to the bar was something he could mentally prepare for. Eren knew he was going, knew he’d see Levi, but he’d had no warning about this. He struggled for words, fought for his mouth to open, didn’t know why Levi was here, and a sudden fear that he was going to tell him to forget the job bubbled up inside him.

  “Hey,” was all Eren could manage. It was high-pitched, he sounded like a twelve-year-old, was sure his voice cracked, and now Levi was looking up at him and studying him with those steely gray eyes that were way too delving.

  “Are you going to let me up or make me stand around in the rain all day like some loser?” Levi called, crossing his arms.

  “Just a second,” Eren yelled down and pulled his head back inside.

  He ran to hit the buzzer, then fumbled his way to the bedroom, grabbed his jeans, and tried to get them on as he ambled over to his door. He’d just gotten out of the shower, had only been in his boxers, and now the fly on his jeans didn’t want to cooperate with his shaking fingers.

  He thankfully accomplished buttoning his pants just as he heard Levi walking down the hall, and let out the breath he’d been holding in relief. It didn’t matter that he was interested in Levi, answering the door with his pants open would be too forward, too weird and inappropriate. He flung the door open with more force than he wanted and poked his head out, seeing Levi approach.

  “My apologies for coming without calling you first, but I don’t have your number,” Levi said as he stopped in front of the door.

  Eren ran his hands through his hair, some kind of comfort against the mounting anxiety. He wanted to tug at it, but he was sure it would look ridiculous in front of Levi

  “You seem jittery,” Levi noted then looked Eren up and down, slowing as his eyes swept over his bare torso.

  Levi was staring at him. He couldn't move, and his back felt like all the muscles in it were rubber bands twisting. He glanced down at Levi’s face, and watched him appraising him. This needed to stop. Not the looking or the compliments from Levi, but the tendency Eren had to go so very still on the outside while his insides felt like they were going to tear him apart.

  “You alright?” Levi asked, giving up taking in Eren’s appearance.

  “Too much coffee, I guess.”

  “I hope not because I was going to ask if you wanted to go get some.”

  “Why?” Eren asked. He felt like such an idiot, didn’t know why he’d asked. Levi had him almost unable to function.

  “I woke up this morning, and through some incredible sixth sense, was confident that you desired my pleasant company today.”

  Fuck. Eren’s face was getting all red again, and he knew it. Knew Levi could see it with the way he was staring at him, looking at him like he was trying to decipher him. Eren didn’t mean to be so confusing.

  “Yeah, coffee would be good.” Eren didn’t know what this was. Didn’t know if it was friend coffee, date coffee, want to get in your pants coffee, or any of the other possible coffees it could be, but he wasn’t passing up a chance to spend time with Levi.

  “Now that you’ve accepted my generous invitation, do you think you could let me in?”

  “Oh!” Eren yelped and moved aside. “I’m sorry.”

  Levi walked inside, surveyed the apartment again, and Eren felt that gnawing embarrassment tugging at him like it had the first time Levi had been in his home. “I need to finish getting dressed. Give me a minute. You can sit down or whatever.”

  He felt like a rambling fool as he scurried to his room, grabbing a thermal and pulling it over his head, then layering on his favorite hoodie. It was the only one without holes.

  When he returned to the living room some of the anxiety began to wear away, replaced by excited anticipation again. Levi was smiling at him, the warmest smile Eren had seen so far from his usually inexpressive face.

  “Relax, I wanted to explain a few things to you about tonight,” Levi explained. “You have that tendency to get nervous and freeze up. I thought it would help.”

  So it was business coffee. Eren’s heart dropped a little at that, but it lessened some of the pressure he was feeling.

  There was quiet between them as Eren sat down next to Levi and got his socks and shoes on. He didn’t see Levi watching him, but he could feel it. Feel when Levi leaned back against the couch and shifted slightly closer to him.

  Words didn’t come again, and Eren really needed that to stop happening. It didn’t occur nearly as much as it used to, but it still happened too often when he was in Levi’s presence. Eren knew what it was. He knew if he didn’t have any interest in Levi romantically he would be completely comfortable with him by this point, but this crush, this attraction was what made him a mess around Levi so often.

  “Ready?” Levi asked when Eren finished tying his last shoelace.

  “Yeah.”

  The ride was quiet. Eren fiddled with his hands, looked at them way too often while Levi spent much of the time glancing at him when he would get the chance, and Eren shrank down a little further in his seat at each stoplight as Levi watched him.

  Eren fumbled with the door handle when they parked, and Levi patted Eren’s leg. “It’s only coffee, Brat. Calm the fuck down.”

  Once they were inside, Levi ordered tea, and Eren decided to try that instead of coffee thinking it had less caffeine. He was wrong.

  He got the same kind as Levi, quibbled with him to allow him to pay while they stood in front of the counter, then finally acquiesced when Levi explained he had invited him, so it was only fair he cover the bill.

  Levi lead Eren to a seat in the back away from the most of the occupied tables which Eren appreciated. The place was dark, warm, and the curved corner booth Levi chose was cozy. Eren would think it was romantic if they had been there on an actual date.

  After Eren had sat down, Levi followed, seated himself right next to Eren, and made no effort to give him much space. If he moved any closer, they’d be shoulder to shoulder, touching.

  It would be amazing and sweet if Eren were sure whether Levi felt the same kind of attraction he did.

  They settled in, Levi’s hand brushing Eren’s as he set it on the table, and Eren almost whined. He had to get this conversation going, or he was going to blurt out something stupid like asking Levi if he was interested in him.

  “So, what am I going to be doing tonight?” Eren inquired, and took a sip of tea, finding his throat way too dry.

  “You like to get right to business, huh?” Levi smiled and leaned back. Eren felt like Levi was daring him to say those words, and he ignored the need to do it.

  “No,” Eren answered. “But I don’t want to screw up.”

  Levi sighed, brushed his fingers over Eren’s again. “You’re not going to screw up.”

  “I might.” Eren looked at Levi and pursed his lips, his worry evident on his face. “Then you’ll hate me.”

  “Nah, I’d never hate you.” Levi kicked Eren’s foot under the table and leaned forward. “It’s going to be easy. You make sure I’ve got ice. Wash glasses, and if I tell you to ring something in, you ring in the price that I say. That and collect tips. Be quick about that because sometimes when those shitty drunks get saucy, they’ll take it back and use it for their next drink. Never let tips sit there.”

  Eren took a deep breath. “That doesn’t sound hard, but I feel like I’m going to mess up.”

  “You might, but it’s not like I’m going to fire you or kick your ass.” Levi’s expression dropped its regular edge, and he tapped Eren’s hand like he was trying to prompt him to look at him.

  Eren had to purposely tense all the muscles in his body to keep from shivering. This was maddening, he felt like he was holding back a monster inside. His thoughts were racing, and he had to bite his lip to keep from saying any of the things that were flying through his mind.

  “Thank you for doing this,” Eren said.

  Levi narrowed his eyes at Eren, and Eren was sure Levi was going to scold him for thanking him like he always did.

  “I’ll take that ‘thank you’ but no more.”

  “I swear this is the last,” Eren assured him.

  “It better be.” Levi leaned his head down, trying to catch Eren’s gaze, and Eren was doing his best to avoid it. Craning his head to look at pictures hung on the walls, eyes darting to his cup of tea that he’d put way too much sugar in. That wasn’t helping either, and neither was the caffeine, and Levi was looking at him waiting. Waiting for him to say anything.

  “How do I enter things in the cash register?” Eren asked, trying to play it safe.

  “You really are all about business,” Levi laughed. “It’s an old system, so it’s easy. I can show you tonight.”

  Eren looked down at the arm that was so close to his on the table, finding any reason he could to not look directly at Levi. “Did that hurt a lot?” he asked.

  “What?”

  Eren reached out to touch Levi’s arm but pulled his fingers back before they made contact. “Your tattoos.”

  “Not there actually,” Levi answered then smirked. “Other places were a different story though.”

  “Other places?” Eren’s interest was piqued, and he’d almost found the courage to allow his fingers to slip over the tattoos on Levi’s forearm. Some kind of bravery was building, and it was tempting to trace the swirling lines like he’d been wanting to for a month. He knew eventually he wasn’t going to be able to resist the urge. “Do you have a lot more?”

  Levi pulled down the neck of his t-shirt, and Eren saw the same design at the top of his chest as well, only bigger; black, intricate tendrils sweeping over his skin. “Maybe sometime I’ll show you how far they go.”

  Eren stopped himself from sputtering. That was definitely flirting. “Is it on your stomach too?” Eren asked, not knowing what the fuck he was doing, but he looked down at Levi’s stomach hoping he’d show him more.

  “So you aren’t only business,” Levi began then pulled up his t-shirt and leaned way back. “If I show you more in here I’m going to get arrested.”

  It was the same design covering his entire torso, and Eren could see that it wrapped around to Levi’s back and continued below the waist of his pants. The tattoo was lovely, but Eren found himself more in awe of the body it was decorating. Levi was practically laying in the booth looking at Eren instead of down at the tattoo. His expression was something Eren could only describe as expectant.

  Eren felt himself go still, he wanted to put his hand out and touch Levi, skim his fingers over the muscles he could see tensing under his skin. Slender, lean, and cut. They weren’t overly built but teased at the strength they possessed. Levi could probably break him in half if he wanted to.

  He was sure he could stare at Levi for hours, brush his hands and lips over all the skin that looked like it was on offer before him, and he would have looked longer if Levi hadn’t broken the spell.

  “If you’re done ogling me, can I put my shirt back?” Levi asked, yet he hadn’t dropped it back down. “Not that I don’t enjoy you looking, but you seem like you’re getting a little hot.”

  “Yeah! Sorry, go ahead.” Eren banged his head on the table like he was wont to do when Levi said things like that. His legs wouldn’t stop moving, and he was sure if he attempted to make them that those words would fly out of his mouth. “I didn’t mean to be weird, it’s just… it’s beautiful.” _You’re_ _beautiful_.

  “Don’t worry about it,” Levi said as he threaded his fingers through the hair on the back of Eren’s head. “It’s been a long time since I got to show them off to anyone.”

  “Your tattoos?”

  “Anything really.” Levi pulled gently on Eren’s hair. “I don’t usually meet anyone who sticks around long enough to care. I mean, you have seen my awesome personality first hand.”

  “It’s not _that_ terrible,” Eren said, feeling a little bit snarky himself.

  “Say’s the brat who looks like he’s about to jump off a cliff when I talk to him.” Levi sounded slightly disappointed.

  “I’m like that with most people.” Eren kept his head down, he couldn’t look at Levi when he said it. “You make me feel jittery… nice jittery though, but it’s not your fault.”

  “I’m that awful?” Levi asked and lightly tugged Eren’s head up.

  Eren pulled his arms up on the table and laid his head down on them, then he looked at Levi regardless of how hard it was. “Actually it’s the complete opposite.”

  Levi smiled, and Eren’s chest felt like it was pleasantly turning itself inside out.

  They lingered for a couple hours, Eren asking for more details about each of his tasks, Levi looking bored when they’d talk too long about work and struggling to change the subject, then touching Eren’s hand which would shut him up for a few minutes.

  When they were back in front of the apartment, Levi had given one last brush to Eren’s bangs before they said goodbye, and Eren had almost leaned over and tried to kiss him. Levi had just been watching him, eyes glued to his and Eren had felt an almost magnetic pull. It was as if Levi was waiting, Eren felt like he was waiting, but he couldn’t do it. Not if he didn’t know for sure.

  When Eren was back upstairs, he laid down on his couch, replayed the moments before he’d gotten out of the car and wondered if Levi really was trying to get him to kiss him. Levi was older than him, much older, and it occurred to Eren that maybe Levi felt the same but was trying not to be pushy because of the age difference. It was possible he was leaving Eren hints and expected him to make the next move. If Eren tried, and he was wrong though, he could ruin his chance to be around Levi forever.

  Then again, if Levi wanted to give him signals and was waiting for Eren, then he wasn’t reciprocating very well, and Levi eventually, would give up. If that was what was happening, Eren could be losing the opportunity to have what he wanted with Levi.

  Though ambitious in other areas of his life, Eren was never one to pursue a relationship in the same manner. He had little experience, and he hadn’t had a lot of chances to learn how to do this. Close to zero, and when he had, it had ended in abject failure. He’d also never felt this intensely about anybody he’d had an interest in before. There had been a few guys in high school he’d liked, but due to his shitty luck, they always ended up being straight. He thought this was where much of his anxiety stemmed from. The one time he’d been forward, his classmate’s reaction had been less than enthusiastic, and he didn’t know for certain if Levi was gay or bisexual.

  They hadn’t discussed it, and though it seemed like he was, what if he was just a straight guy who was really touchy and flirty with other guys?

  Eren smashed that idea right away. He was sure Levi wasn’t straight, kind of just knew, but that still didn’t mean he was interested in some poor college student who was fourteen years his junior. He resigned himself to the idea that he had no other choice than to test the waters. One of these times when Levi played with his hair and looked at him all dark and smoldering like he had been in the car, Eren was going to kiss him.

  The worst case was that Eren totally fucked up, and Levi never wanted to see him again, but if his gut was right, if everything he was feeling inside was real, Levi may just kiss him back.


	4. Chapter 4

  "Early on your first day?" Levi asked as Eren sat down in his seat at the bar.

  "I was nervous, and I thought it was better than pacing around my apartment." He couldn’t lie. Eren had spent the majority of his day running through possible ways he could screw up his job. Thinking of how he could mess up with Levi too, but that worry was in the back of his mind as opposed to his new job. He didn’t have a tight schedule with which to possibly destroy his opportunity at a relationship with Levi. That could wait.

  Pressing his hands hard against the surface of the bar, Eren attempted to will away the nerves, find a focus. Sure, he planned on doing the best he could tonight, but Levi was looking at him curiously like he was trying to figure him out, and although he didn’t want this to be the effect, it essentially threw a wrench into his relaxation techniques. Distracting Eren from his nervousness about his first day working, but instead riling up the butterflies that were currently fighting to break free from his stomach.

  "Fucking relax and come here, Brat." Levi beckoned Eren over to where he was leaning near the cash register, then his expression shifted, and he was looking at Eren as he had been earlier in the day when they had tea.

  It was penetrating, almost audacious, and enticing as it was, Eren’s chance to do what he'd planned was lost because he wasn't going to try kissing Levi in front of people. Not the first time. His potential humiliation could be left in private if that were how it would turn out.

  Levi was waiting for him, and seconds were beginning to feel as though they were stretching into minutes before Eren shook out his arms and stood up. His confidence building if only minutely.

  It was different behind the bar once he crossed into the rear of it. Like an alternate world, entirely separate from the rest of the room. He wasn't sure if it was his timidity, but the space seemed twice as big when he scanned it than it had from his regular perspective and he wondered how Levi kept track of it all, and how he was going to.

  “C’mon.” Levi put his arm around Eren and led him to a cooler on the far side, ran his hand up Eren’s back and squeezed his shoulder when they stopped in front of it. "This is where the ice is, just make sure those troughs near the wells are always full. We'll start easy tonight. Wash glasses, make sure I have ice, and I'll handle the rest."

  "I can do that," Eren said. It was hard to talk with Levi touching him like he was, kneading his shoulder, with the way his thumb was pressing into the back of his neck, stroking along his spine. He’d spent so much time worrying about looking foolish if Levi ever touched him in this manner that Eren hadn’t taken the chance to teach himself how to react for when he eventually did.

  "You're so tight and tense," Levi noted as he moved around behind Eren and started massaging his other shoulder too. "I put away my sarcastic hat tonight. I promise no snarking since it’s your first day."

  “Are you sure you’re capable of that?” Eren asked, pushed up into the fingers digging into his muscles.

  “Brat,” Levi murmured and squeezed.

  To his surprise, Eren could feel the tension draining away. Levi was touching him, and that usually made him tighten up. His back would become as stiff as a board, but this made him feel like he was made of something gooey and he had to brace his hands on the edge of the bar to keep from falling over.

  "If you keep doing that I'm going to collapse on the floor," Eren nearly moaned.

  "It doesn't feel good?" Levi asked, stopped pressing, but didn't remove his hands.

  "No. It feels _too_ good." It came out all breathy, and Eren wanted to cover his mouth before he revealed too much.

  “I’ll stop,” Levi laughed and let go, leaving Eren to pleasantly shudder as he ran a final sweep of his hands down Eren’s back. "Do you feel a little more relaxed though?"

  "Yeah…" Eren found his legs were more willing to cooperate and turned to face Levi.

  "I'll do it anytime you want." There was that dark, hungry expression from Levi again when their eyes met. The look Eren had seen for the first time the previous evening, but now he'd been doing it constantly when Eren had been with him today. It was magnetic yet nearly unendurable, left Eren feeling like Levi had read his mind, knew what he had decided earlier and kept daring him to take the chance.

  It wouldn’t surprise Eren if that were the case, he was cracked open like a book before Levi, his pages flipping back and forth no matter how much he fought at times to close them. That he’d revealed to Levi what happened to his parents only the second time he had encountered him told Eren enough to realize what was going on.

  The ardent expression remained even as Levi demonstrated to Eren how to wash glasses, and where to set them to dry. Levi didn’t relent when he showed him where they were stored, and not when Hanji had joined them and began hovering around either. Levi was all sexy smirks, and it was as if his eyes took on a new mysterious darkness that was more intense than before. Eren didn't know if he imagined it or if it was indeed real, but it didn’t make a difference. Regardless of whether it was true or fantasy, Levi was affecting him more as the days went on, the pull intensifying as the hours and minutes ticked by.

  When Levi put Eren to work, it hadn't ceased either, and now there were little touches too. Soft feather-light sweeps of Levi's hands across Eren’s body as he'd have to pass by him to deliver a drink or when he pushed him gently aside to get something from the well. Touches that began high on Eren’s back at the beginning of his shift but were plummeting lower and lower as the evening progressed.

  Eren started observing the dynamics behind the bar. Watching Levi as he'd pass by the other bartender, Isabel, and Eren noticed Levi's hands stayed to themselves. It wasn't as if Eren was complaining, but it was beginning to affect him physically. He didn't know if it was because it was Levi or something else since no one had ever touched him like that before, but Eren was sure if Levi had done that when they were alone, he would have fallen apart.

  When it happened the next time, Levi's hand lingered longer against Eren’s lower back, right over his spine, barely touching, and he had to brace himself against the bar. His cock was beginning to turn traitor, and Eren wanted to shove his head in the ice that was in the well before him.

  Levi turned to face Eren still with that suggestively dark expression, hand remaining softly against his back. "Why don't we take a break?"

  Eren took in a shuddering breath, he knew Levi could feel it. "Yeah," he squeaked out not missing the way Levi was looking at him. Not blinking, just observing him again.

  "Come on, this way," Levi said, and the hand disappeared.

  Eren was running on auto-pilot, walking after Levi, trying to think of anything that would push the blood back up to his foggy head.

  Levi lead him through the bar to the other side, calling to Hanji that they were taking a break before he pushed open a door revealing a stairwell.

  Eren followed Levi up the stairs. He didn't speak, only concentrated on his breathing, then focused on Levi’s shoes hitting each step, noting a door once they made it to the third floor and continued up two more flights of steps.

  "That's my apartment." Levi gestured back toward the landing. "Though I want to show you something else tonight."

  "Is that where you go off to when you disappear?" Eren asked, finding his voice was willing to cooperate again.

  "Sometimes, but most of the time I escape up here," Levi revealed as he opened a door.

  Once Eren followed him through he found they were on the roof of the building. It was an ordinary roof that was typical for a city walk-up, but there were chairs, and a table in the corner and strings of lights hung around. Eren was fairly sure he saw a small fire pit as well, and he laughed. Levi wasn’t really the type who would care about fire codes.

  "It's nothing impressive, but I come up here often to get away from the noise." Levi walked to the edge and leaned against the sill. "There’s something about being five stories up that makes me feel like I’m not a part of the rest of the world. The air up here embraces you quietly."

  Eren inhaled deep, tried to feel what Levi was explaining. The breeze was crisp, cold for the second half of May, but welcome after being in the hot bar, and a relief after how flushed Eren had been a few minutes before.

  He came to stand next to Levi, didn’t think as he closed the distance, then leaned forward and looked down over the edge. He could see some of the assholes from the bar outside smoking below and being generally loud, yet it felt like the voices didn’t touch them nearly as much as they should have and he began to understand what Levi meant.

  Levi looked over at Eren, then glanced down at the people on the sidewalk before his eyes flicked to Eren again and he smirked. “Sometimes I want to drop a bucket of ice on those jackasses.”

  Eren laughed. “Have you ever?”

  “No,” Levi whispered. “Maybe we can this summer, although I don’t fancy being arrested.”

  Eren turned toward Levi but leaned against the ledge bringing himself down to the shorter man’s height and smiled. “Do you really think we’d be arrested?” Eren asked, feeling the most at ease he had the entire night.

  “You never know these days,” Levi sighed. “Besides, I’d rather come up here with you to look at the stars. I just wish those animals would keep it down sometimes.”

  Eren watched Levi look up at the sky, held his tongue, didn’t lean in toward him no matter how much he wanted to. Levi was so pale and the way the moonlight bathed him nearly made him look ethereal, he was so beautiful, like a man carved from alabaster, painted with the blackest ink. Eren could feel his breath begin to speed up, almost hitch in his chest, and the muffled thump of the music from downstairs was nowhere as hard as the beating of his heart.

  “It’s almost full,” Levi said as he glanced at Eren and pointed at the moon.

  Eren followed his hand up and looked up at the sky. “It seems like it is now,” Eren whispered, looked at Levi again. His expression was different, something Eren hadn’t seen before. Like he was tired, yet trying to stay awake, but Eren knew that wasn’t what it was. He looked content, just entirely full of joy and comfort but not the kind that made a person jump around animated. He looked like someone had just put him in the place that made him the happiest and most at peace.

  “Nearly there,” Levi explained. “Three more days. I could bring you up here to see it.”

  The possible implications had Eren feeling like he ran a mile. “Sure,” he answered, and his voice nearly broke as he watched Levi turn toward him, slink his hand a little bit closer to where he was resting against the ledge of the roof.

  Levi didn’t say anything, and he wasn’t looking at Eren how he’d been looking at him earlier, there was something expansive and rapt in his expression, and so honest.

  Eren straightened up, moved in closer, tentative and slow. He leaned down, closed his eyes, hands settling in fists at his sides, and pressed his lips to Levi's. He almost missed, but he felt the gentle pressure of Levi pressing lightly back, his hands moving to grip Eren's hips. There was almost a taste of dread in the back of Eren’s throat when he thought too hard about what to do next, whether he should open his mouth, softly bite, or how in the fuck he was supposed to prompt Levi to open up.

  Levi's fingers dug in a little harder to Eren’s body, so he pressed his lips more firmly against Levi's for barely a second, but he was so scared to put his arms around him, and Levi wasn’t reciprocating the way Eren expected, so he pulled back. It wasn't that he didn't want to kiss Levi. He did, very badly, but he had no idea how and he only froze.

  Levi was looking at him, frowning, and Eren didn’t know whether it was because he was a terrible kisser or he had made a humongous mistake. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to run away or try again, and the quick beat of his heart stayed amazingly high, but for all the wrong reasons now, and he needed to fix it.

  "Sorry,” Eren managed.

  "What are you doing?" Levi asked and dropped his hands from Eren's hips.

  Eren felt the loss immediately, but Levi didn’t look mad. Instead, possibly confused, and Eren forced himself to speak because there was still a chance that he hadn’t read the signals all wrong and he was only an awkward bad kisser.

  "I was trying to kiss you," Eren began, feeling the weight of Levi's gaze upon him like a mountain. "But I shouldn't have, I'm sorry. I didn't think you were straight."

   Levi laughed, more of a laugh than Eren had ever heard from him. He nearly threw his head back and shook, and Eren only watched him while waiting in fearful anticipation of his response. "Tch, I'm as gay as the day is long."

  "Oh." Eren hadn’t completely fucked up. Levi liked men, so he had a chance, but this put it all off into the realm of Levi simply not having any interest in him.

  "So why did you stop?" Levi asked, and the lack of sarcasm gave Eren a little piece of hope to hang on to.

  "I don't know… because I didn’t know what to do and you didn't seem to like it," Eren struggled. "But I thought that's why you brought me up here, and I screwed up."

  "Maybe I brought you here for that. I don't know," Levi hedged then paused for a moment and sighed. "You're so nervous all the time, and it doesn't exactly make _this_ easy."

  "You make me nervous," Eren whispered and looked down.

  "Why?" Levi asked. "Because you'd like to fuck me?"

  "No! I mean yes, but n- no," Eren stuttered then ran his hands over his face and took a deep breath. "Ugh, why is this so hard? I have feelings for you, I don't only want to fuck you. Jeez."

  "I see," Levi said looking more relaxed than Eren would have expected.

  Eren wished to god Levi would have given him more than that. He didn't understand what he was saying. Whether Levi only wanted to have sex, whether Levi didn't. If he had feelings for him or not. Eren was already in this though, he'd come too far, made a whole lot of strides from where he was a few weeks ago, and he wasn't about to back out now.

  "I thought maybe you liked me," Eren revealed. "You touched my hand seventeen times at the coffee shop today, and you play with my hair, you give me extra cherries, and you touched me a lot tonight behind the bar. I was hoping you felt the same."

  “You counted?” Levi looked overwhelmed. His cheeks were dusting the palest shade of pink, eyes narrowing like he was thinking hard. "I'm good at flirting. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it. But the shit that comes afterward, that I'm not good at, Brat."

  "So you didn't mean to flirt with me?" Eren asked, felt like his heart might shatter. He thought he was prepared for rejection.

  "Where the hell did you get that from?" Levi asked surprised, he almost sounded angry.

  "You said you do it without knowing," Eren countered while trying to keep his voice even. His mind was going a mile a minute playing out every disastrous scenario possible.

  "I said _sometimes_ , and I also said I wasn't good at the shit _after_ that." Levi ran his fingers through his bangs, bordering on irritated. "Do you listen to half the crap I say?"

  "So you _did_ mean to?" Eren asked quietly, he couldn't look at Levi. The answer would either break his heart or send it soaring.

  "Of course I meant to, dumbass. I thought I was real fucking obvious for the last month." Levi was scolding him, grumbling, but his voice softened when Eren only looked pitiful. "I'm sorry, Eren. What I meant was a warning. I was warning you that I suck as a boyfriend. Giving you full disclosure before you get yourself too far into this."

  Eren lifted his eyes from the ground, they were full, nearly glassy, and they didn't hide how astonished or hopeful he was.

  "I don't care," he declared, feeling a new bout of bravery. "I doubt I’d make a good boyfriend either. I've only kissed one person other than you now, and I've only had sex once... and it was with a girl, and I didn't like it. It sucked. I don't think I was excellent at it and I probably wouldn't be any better at it with a man, so you'd not be in for anything good if you wanted to date me, but-"

  "Will you shut the fuck up…" Levi whispered as his hand moved up to Eren's cheek.

  He didn't look angry, there wasn't any venom, maybe only frustration.

  "I'll try," Eren murmured as Levi's hand slid to the back of his head then pulled him forward.

  This time Eren didn't pull away when their mouths met. Eren didn't have a chance because Levi had his lip between his teeth and was sucking it into his mouth, running the tip of his tongue across it before it was prodding between Eren's lips and Levi's thumb came up to the corner of his mouth to help tease them apart.

  It only took Eren feeling Levi's hand move down, skimming over his jaw, down his neck and chest before his arm settled around his waist for Eren to reach out. His fingers were shaky at first, but when they met Levi's hips, and the kiss got deeper, uncertain hands grew surer. He whimpered against Levi's lips when he pulled at his hair and tugged his head back, taking advantage of Eren's mouth opening wider.

  Eren didn't think kisses could be like this. Levi was nipping at his lips and tongue then pressing his mouth back against his like he was starved. Through the haze, Eren wanted to kick himself in the ass for being so worried, but this was too good to bother caring about it now.

  Levi was holding him tighter, pulling him closer with each breath he took, sneaking his hand up under the back of his shirt and teasing the skin above the waist of his jeans. Eren felt as if his legs would go out, lightheaded in the most delightful way as the kiss became needier and he pulled Levi tighter to him and molded their bodies together.

  All the sound died away with the cold and the rest of the world as they tasted each other, sharing breath, pulling one another closer until it was nearly crushing, and Eren felt comfortably smaller enveloped in Levi’s powerful arms.

  He could kiss Levi for hours if he would allow it, and it felt like it ended too soon when Levi pulled away, taking Eren’s bottom lip with him and holding for a moment before pressing one last kiss to his mouth.

  Levi's eyes were still closed, and Eren only watched him, took in the blush on his face, so impressed with himself that he'd been the one to put it there. He wrapped his arms around Levi, pulled him in close again and buried his face in the dark hair against his forehead.

  "It's easier when you stop thinking so hard," Levi breathed, and Eren could feel Levi's lips move against his neck.

  "Yeah… thinking's bad.” Eren didn't want to let Levi go.

  "You're such a dork," Levi laughed, the volume returning to his voice as he pulled back to look up at Eren who was smiling.

  “Since you already think I’m a dork,” Eren started, then paused and closed his eyes before he continued, “you don’t just want to get in my pants?”

  “You’re awful at reading signals, Eren.” Levi pressed his face against Eren’s neck again, sighed and kissed him there. “It’s not that I wouldn’t like to get in them, but that’s not my primary motivation or priority.”

  “I’m glad.” Eren squeezed Levi gently when he started kissing his neck slow and sweetly.

  It was a relief. Not that Eren wouldn’t have taken a purely physical relationship with Levi. He was sure his feelings wouldn’t have allowed him to refuse, but it wasn’t what he really wanted out of him. He could picture himself easily falling in love with Levi, and a relationship that was only about sex likely would have left him hurt beyond words.

  The world started crumbling away again when Levi shifted and pushed Eren against the ledge, ran his hands over Eren’s chest, fingers trailing up his neck around to the back and coaxing his head down for more kisses.

  "I'm sorry to interrupt you two, but we have a problem," Eren heard Hanji yell, and he blinked his eyes open remembering there were other people in the world besides he and Levi.

  Levi leaned his forehead against Eren’s chest, and he heard him hiss. “I swear to fucking Christ, this better be good, Hanji. So. Fucking. Good.”

  When Eren looked up, he saw Hanji standing in the doorway on the roof. They looked about as disappointed as he felt. “I’m so sorry Levi, but there are two assholes down there acting out a Jedi battle with pool cues.”

  “Fucking hell!” Levi groaned before he held his hand against Eren’s cheek, looked him in the eyes regretful, then strode across the roof and disappeared through the door. Eren stood there dumbfounded, staring at Hanji with his mouth hanging open.

  They looked at Eren sympathetically before smiling. “Come on,” Hanji prodded, and Eren moved forward feeling like he was waking up from a dream.

  “I’m really sorry, really really sorry,” Hanji apologized as Eren followed them down the steps, and heard a bit of yelling from down below. He still wasn’t prepared for reality.

  “It’s not your fault,” Eren managed. Oddly he didn’t feel bashful about Hanji walking in on them like he would have expected.

  “I know, but Levi’s going to be pissed,” Hanji explained. “That was kind of a big deal.”

  “I’m sure it will be alright.”

  Eren made it back downstairs in time to see Levi toss some guy on the floor. He had apparently run in and jumped into the middle of it with two people at least a head taller than him. Eren watched mesmerized as Levi pushed them around, kicked the legs out from under one of the brutes when he tried to punch him in the face, then hauled them both toward the entrance and flung the last one almost out the door before kicking him the ass, sending him sprawling the rest of the distance.

  “Is he always so…” Eren trailed off.

  “So terrifying?” Hanji asked laughing.

  “So intense,” Eren stated.

  “As much as he doesn’t seem like it sometimes, he’s a pussy cat unless you behave like those two.” Hanji lowered their voice as Levi approached. “I shouldn’t say anything, but you’ll see, sweetie.”

  “My apologies,” Levi said as he stopped in front of Eren, then rolled his eyes at Hanji. “Let’s get the rest of tonight over with.”

  It went faster than Eren would have expected, but going from everything on the roof back into work was plain weird. He couldn’t focus no matter how hard he tried to, and it seemed as if Levi was having the same problem. He wasn’t as touchy as he was before, and he appeared to be distracted, but Levi checked in with Eren frequently to make sure he wasn’t having trouble and didn’t feel overburdened. Eren was thankful for the concern, and as much as it had been a let down for Hanji to disrupt them because of two assholes who’d had far too much to drink, Eren felt airy and more at peace. He was still wound up tighter than he wanted to be, but kissing Levi had relieved more stress than he would have dared to hope it would.

  When Levi yelled for the last call, Eren was relieved. He cleaned up all the glasses as drinks were finished, leaned back and sighed once Levi squeezed his hip as he passed by and told him he was done for the night.

  Finally, Eren dragged himself from behind the bar, sat down in his seat and let his head drop against his arms. He was tired, his feet hurt, but it all paled in comparison to everything else he was feeling. He feared none of it was a reality. Afraid he was going to wake up in his bed, find out this had all been a dream, but hands tenderly sweeping across his back assured him it was real.

  He turned his head to the side, saw Levi, felt warm breath against his ear as he leaned down close to him.

  “Come on, Eren, I can finish up here.”

  Something about Levi’s voice made Eren unthinkingly get up and follow, walking to the door and trailing him to the outside of the building. Once they made it around the corner, Levi grasped Eren’s hand, pulled him close and kissed him again. It wasn’t as long and lingering and desperate as earlier, but it was gentle and searching and settled Eren’s worries. It felt like it ended at the perfect moment. As if Levi had imparted something to him, and Eren could only smile and look down fondly at Levi.

  “Sorry about earlier,” Levi said.

  “Not your fault,” Eren assured. “I’m a lot happier leaving tonight than I expected.”

  “And you’re not shaking this time,” Levi teased.

  “Hey! I didn’t think I was that bad.”

  “You looked like you were going to piss yourself most nights.” Levi kissed Eren again, soothing the bite of his words soundly before pulling away and pausing for a moment. “Do you think I could I have your number?”

  Any sting Levi’s teasing would have left dissipated with the request, and Eren took out his phone.

  They traded numbers and made out a little bit more before saying farewell for the night, and Eren headed back to his apartment. He wanted to call Armin and tell him about everything, share all that was going on in his life, but it was near three in the morning when he returned home. Instead, he stripped down to his boxers and t-shirt and got into bed.

  The dreariness of his apartment couldn’t even spoil his mood. Eren relaxed, laid his head down finding his nose pressed against his shoulder. He could still smell Levi on his clothes, and it left him feeling like he was melting into his bed.

  He closed his eyes while hoping to dream of Levi, only to hear his phone buzz a few minutes later. No one usually texted him this late, and his heart pounded wanting it to be him.

  He looked down at the screen.

  _Do you like ravioli?_

  It was Levi and a sort of strange question. Not what Eren expected, but he curled up tighter, pulled the blankets a little snugger and grinned as he texted back.

  _I love Italian food! :D_

  The emoji was a dorky addition and Eren second guessed it when Levi took longer than he expected to respond.

  _Do you want to come over for dinner tomorrow? I’m going to cook._

The worry from earlier peeled away more, and Eren typed out a response but deleted it three times before he finally settled on something not too terribly eager, no matter how eager he was.

  _Yeah. I’d like that._

  _5:30, just come to the bar._

_See you then._

_Sleep tight, Brat. :3_

He was so relieved when he saw Levi added a stupid emoji as well.

_You too. :)_

  Eren smiled so hard his cheeks hurt and held his phone to his chest. He felt like such an idiot, but he was a happy lovestruck idiot.


	5. Chapter 5

  Sun poured in through the window and Eren buried his head further under the covers. It seemed too early to be this bright. He wanted to go back to sleep but blinked his eyes open despite the fogginess as he remembered the night before. Levi had kissed him and was possibly his boyfriend – something he needed to try and get clarified without sounding stupid later. He had a date too, and though it was hard to stop the little fear that always seemed to crop up insistent that it was a dream, Eren shoved it away. He was positive it couldn’t have been.

  He stretched and stuck his arm out from under the covers, feeling for his phone and reality. Once he retrieved it, he pulled it back under with him nearly afraid to check the last text and pressed his forehead to the smooth surface, sucking in a breath, holding it as long as he could, then unlocked his phone and stared at the screen, ready to slam his eyes shut.

  It had been real. Eren could see Levi’s name and scrolled through the short conversation, reading it over twice, unable to suppress his smile as the tension flowed away.

  That warm, heady feeling from the night before returned full force, and he pulled the phone to his chest, feeling as if it made him a little nearer to Levi.

  He wasn’t sure how long he laid there quietly grinning, but when he floated down from the previous evening’s memories back into his room and looked the time, Eren saw he had just under six hours until he was supposed to be at Levi’s. It felt like a century.

  The invitation meant more than he could express. Not only was he going to have dinner with this man he cared for and who seemed to care for him, but Eren survived on the worst of diets due to his financial situation. He hadn't had anything nearing a home cooked meal since before his friends left and Armin began inviting him over for dinner after his parents died.

  It was something he missed about having a family, and not experiencing that anymore stung like salt grinding into a wound. His loneliness had been his biggest adversary in recent years, made his heart hurt far too much, and Eren found it crippling at times.

  Saddest was that he always ate alone, never with friends anymore and he wasn't sure if Levi would understand how meaningful this was. Unlike most nights when he’d be precariously balancing a bowl of Ramen on his knees careful not to drip it on his school work, he’d be able to have something delicious with someone who desired spending time with him.

  He allowed a shaky breath to pass his lips and tried to work through his feelings now so he wouldn’t lose control of them later that night. It wasn’t that he wanted to hide the significance from Levi, but many of the emotions that were kicking around were painful. Excruciating as they were, they came from the past, and he wanted Levi to be his future. Not that he wouldn’t share it with Levi eventually, but not tonight. Tonight was about just spending time together, and hopefully, the beginning of life continuing to improve for Eren.

  Knowing that Levi appeared to loathe being thanked he’d have to remember not gush over it as well, no matter how strong the urge, but it wasn’t going to be easy. The gesture almost brought a bittersweet tear to his eye, and although the burn was there along with the inclination to allow it free, he decided instead, to call Armin and get out of bed.  

  He was bursting with the need to share his newly found happiness with someone, and Armin was the most likely to be supportive, and the least liable to say too much about him and Levi’s age difference.

  He’d previously mentioned Levi to his friend when he’d told him about the bar he’d found, but he hadn’t gone into much detail, nor had he revealed that he was interested in Levi. It wasn’t that Eren hadn’t wanted to share it, but Levi felt out of his grasp at the time, and Eren didn’t want Armin to know how much he’d been pining for him. There was a level of vulnerability to that which Eren hadn’t been willing to expose to anyone else.

  Given the situation and the age difference, Eren was fairly sure of what Armin’s reaction would have been then and what advice he’d have offered anyhow. Of course, at the time it might have made sense, but it was something Eren knew he wouldn’t have cared to hear, and he wouldn’t have listened regardless.

  With a better conversation in mind, Eren managed to pull himself from the bed and put on pants before he proceeded to make a pot of coffee and settle down on his couch.

  His shoulders bunched tightly as he leaned forward and he squeezed his phone in his hand. He wanted to share this, Armin was his best friend, but the way it could come out sounding gave Eren pause before he dialed. He’d be coming out of left field telling Armin about his thirty-three-year-old possibly, maybe boyfriend covered in tattoos who owned a bar, and that he had met the man by going to that very bar which he was too young to be in. He couldn’t leave out that his maybe boyfriend was also his boss because he was now working in said bar, or that he was going to his possible boyfriend’s house for dinner that night.

  It all sounded a bit strange, one of those situations that could seem very odd when one was looking in from the outside. From Eren’s perspective, it wasn’t, but it didn’t stop him from appreciating how it would appear to others.

  He looked at his phone, still procrastinating. His thumbs idly traced the edges as he searched for a way to broach the subject before Eren took a deep breath then hit Armin’s contact not allowing himself the chance to rethink it.

  “Hey Eren,” he heard through the line after only one ring. He wished he’d had two or three to better prepare.

  “Armin, how have you been?” Eren asked. Armin's voice made his nervousness subside slightly, and he curled up on the couch.

  “Good. So what’s up?” Armin asked.

  Eren didn’t answer right away, took a deep breath trying not to push it out too loudly against the phone. “I’m dating someone.”

  Eren heard an excited little noise from Armin. “You are? I’m so happy, I was hoping you’d find somebody. Did you meet him at school? What’s his name? Have you gone on any dates yet?”

  It was a lot of questions, and Eren decided to start with the easy stuff before moving on to the more complicated details. “It’s Levi, that guy I told you about from the bar.”

  There was a pause. “Oh? You never mentioned you were interested in him.”

  “I didn’t think it was going to happen, so I didn’t say anything, but I started working there last night and things kind of happened…” Eren admitted.

  Armin laughed, and Eren could almost see him smile. “I thought you might like him a little. You’ve talked about him so much the past month.”

  “No, I haven’t!” Eren retaliated.

  “Sure you did. Every time we’ve spoken lately you mentioned Levi. I knew you had a thing for him.”

  Eren was beginning to realize that he was far more transparent than he liked to have thought. This was the second time in the last couple months that someone had seen right through him. And he had a suspicion Levi already had him figured out more than the other way around. “Sorry. I guess I did. I didn’t know it was _that_ obvious.”

  “You’ve always been obvious, Eren,” Armin pointed out, before pausing for a beat then continuing, “didn’t you say Levi owned that bar you’ve been going to?”

  “Yeah, he does,” Eren confirmed.

  “So he’s your boss?” Armin asked.

  “Yes’” Eren said, and his jaw clenched waiting for Armin’s response.

  “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old is he if he owns a bar?”

  Eren knew the conversation was going to move in this direction, but he didn’t feel any better prepared having anticipated it. “Older than me.”

  “But _how_ old?” Armin prodded.

  “Promise you aren’t going to be weird about it?” Eren asked.

  Armin was silent, and Eren could picture the face he was making even with him being four hundred miles away. He _knew_ it. The furrowed brow that Armin could somehow accomplish while still having those full concerned eyes. “I’ll try not to, but if he’s old enough to be your dad I’m going to be sort of worried.”

  Levi wasn’t _that_ much older. Maybe old enough to be his a lot older, older brother, but not his father. “He’s thirty-three.”

  Silence again, and Eren took the opportunity to add in one small detail. “He looks a lot younger though, I thought he was around twenty-five when I met him.”

  Eren breathed a relieved sigh when he heard Armin begin to speak again, though he tensed up preparing for the blow if Armin didn't approve. “I suppose it’s not a big deal as long he isn’t a creepy weirdo or something like that.”

  “No, no, he’s not a creepy weirdo. He knew I liked him this entire time, he could have done anything, Levi could have taken advantage of me, but he didn’t. He didn’t even try to kiss me.”

  “Then how did you end up dating?” Armin asked.

  “I tried to kiss him last night,” Eren quietly admitted, blushing regardless that Armin wasn’t there to see him. “I fucked it all up, but after that, we talked, and he kissed me, and I think this is going to work out.”

  “Eren making the first move. That’s not what I would have expected. You must really like him.”

  “I do. I really do. A lot.” Eren was quiet, he could feel the smile that refused to remain off his face edging up again. “He invited me over for dinner tonight.”

  “That’s good, Eren,” Armin began, and Eren could hear him sigh. “I feel guilty that you're still there all by yourself. I’m glad you met someone.”

  “Me too.” Eren smiled at that, didn’t want to tell Armin how lonely he’d been for the last year.

  “I’ve got to get going. I have a lot of school work, but call me tomorrow and let me know how your date went.”

  “I will.” Eren hung up the phone and buried his face in his hands, almost laughed as relief spread through him.

  He hadn’t honestly expected Armin to be negative, but he couldn’t predict for certain what his reaction would be. It was level headed, and there was a touch of concern, but he knew Armin would always be a little worried when it came to him. Eren was aware that he probably still would have been even if Levi was his age and some random student from the college that he’d met. He didn’t think much of it was coming from the age difference in itself.

  It was another thing he wouldn’t have to worry about. The truth was, his friends would be home for part of the summer, there wasn’t a way to keep Levi a secret, and giving them a heads-up beforehand was simpler. Eren knew Armin would tell Mikasa, and he was alright with that. He didn’t expect her reaction to be as smooth as Armin’s, she was more protective, but she’d move past it with Armin’s assurances eventually.

  With that worry out of the way for the time being Eren was left with nearly five hours to watch the clock and make himself nervous. Though the nervousness was less palpable than the anticipation. He couldn’t wait to see Levi.

  Once he finished his coffee and double checked to be sure he didn’t have any assignments to work on, Eren decided to treat himself to the longest shower he could. He didn’t have an endless amount of hot water available in his apartment, more like a ten minute supply of barely warmer than luke warm water, but he wasn’t going to allow it to drag down his day. He’d stay in the shower, thoroughly clean before his date, and relax as long as he could instead of rushing like he usually did.

  Clothing came next. Eren hadn’t been making as big of a deal about it anymore like he had a few weeks prior, but today was special, and he needed to find something that would look good for tonight.

  There was a pair of skinny black jeans he bought the previous fall. They’d been on sale, and he liked them a lot, although they weren’t his regular style. He’d put them on and taken them off on many mornings, more than he could count, always deciding they were a bit out of the ordinary for him. He pulled them on this time, thinking it was going to look like a disaster, and paired them with a looser black tank top he had. Something Mikasa had bought him for when they went to the clubs that he barely ever wore.

  When Eren looked in the mirror, he looked different than he normally did in his baggier jeans and t-shirt or button-down, but Eren loved what he saw now. Instead of the self-consciousness he was frequently left with when he tried to change up his look --like he was wearing someone else’s clothes, Eren felt like himself, yet improved, perhaps ‘dolled-up.'

  Satisfied, he tried not to mess up his outfit while he watched the hours slowly wittle by. He filled them with a review for his Tuesday class, finding himself stopping now and then to check his hair, finally deciding it really didn’t look better or worse no matter what he did to it.

  When the clock chimed five, time felt as if it slowed to a crawl, and he brushed his teeth again then swished with mouthwash until tears were running down his cheeks while wondering if Levi was going through the same experience.

  As Eren left his apartment, he continued to ponder whether or not Levi was waiting on pins and needles for him to arrive as he had been before leaving. Wondered if Levi spent his day desperately attempting to find a distraction. If held his breath and smiled while his cheeks got all hot like Eren’s did every time Levi crossed his mind. If he was already at the bar waiting or looking at the clock every thirty seconds, pacing around and thinking about him.

  The distance to the bar felt longer than usual, but as Eren walked up to the door, he could see Levi through the window. Saw him stride quickly to the entrance, the picture of barely controlled desperation before he unlocked it, came outside and just looked at Eren.

  Eren tried to find words while he took in the man standing before him. Levi was dressed differently than Eren had seen before, more relaxed. He wasn’t wearing the signature button-down with the rolled up sleeves as he usually did at the bar. Instead, he was dressed in a loose long-sleeved black shirt, the neck sliding down his left shoulder revealing more of his tattoos. It almost looked like Levi had trimmed the neck off with the way the edge was rolling up, and Eren knew he wasn’t going to be able to take his eyes off that exposed patch of skin. The pants he was wearing were nothing other than something Eren could call adorable on Levi. Worn out, faded jeans he had rolled up a few inches above his ankle, finished off with a pair of black Converse that looked as if he chose them because he could just slip them on to come down to the bar.

  A smile slowly built on Eren’s face, winning out as he fought to control it, and he felt himself go all hot and flustered, grappled for something to say, but Levi beat him to it.

  “Eren… you look… gorgeous,” Levi quietly said, voice deep and thick, and Eren didn’t miss the way his eyes got dark, lusty, how he was appraising him or the way he cracked his hands as if he was overcome, and Eren was sure he was admiring Levi in the same fashion.

  “Did you dress up for me?” Levi teased, cracking the heavy silence as Eren stood there overwhelmed, afraid he looked like he was going to devour Levi.

  Eren felt his cheeks get warm, his mouth watered, and he couldn’t stop smiling so hard his cheeks ached again no matter how much he tried to prevent it. He was so obvious, there was no way to avoid Levi knowing, and he relented. “I might have.”

  Eren stared at Levi transfixed as long as he could before he had to close his eyes because Levi closed the distance in less than a second, and was leaning up to kiss him in greeting. It made the press of their lips together more intense, made Eren’s chest tighten up with the feeling of being wanted like this.

  Their hands were quickly all over each other in a way dissimilar to the day before. As if they couldn’t feel enough of each other, needed to reacquaint themselves after long hours away with every bit of one another as they touched, and Eren didn’t have to think when he was kissing Levi, couldn’t think even if he had tried. It was all Levi, Levi, Levi.

  Eren cracked one eye open when his fingers skimmed across Levi’s shoulder, ran into fabric and slid the shirt off farther, slipping it lower down his arm, and he glimpsed the tattoos he was so enamored with. When he felt the tips of Levi’s fingers sneaking under the waist of his jeans, running over the skin there, he found his own hand spurred on, creeping up and pulling at the shirt more before Levi was pulling away with a look in his eyes like he didn’t want to.

  “We’re going to end up fucking on the sidewalk if we don’t stop now,” Levi breathed heavy, nearly groaning before he turned toward the door with Eren’s hand in his, as he tugged them inside.

  Once they were off the street, Levi locked the door behind them and grabbed Eren’s arm, made him look at him, placed his hands on either side of Eren’s neck, thumbs tracing his jaw while he held his gaze.

  There was something under the surface, Eren could sense it, see it behind Levi’s eyes as they reflected back at his, but he stayed silent, gave Levi time to find the words to express what he was attempting to say.

  “Inviting you here wasn’t a guise to fuck you,” Levi whispered and went quiet again before he blinked slowly and continued. “Fuck, fuck, I’m bad at this kind of thing, but-”

  Levi stopped himself, bit his lip and Eren waited patiently, he was struggling. Eren wanted to hear whatever it was and would wait forever if he had to. He looked down at Levi wordlessly, feeling his turmoil roiling beneath the surface, and Eren’s heart pounded faster when Levi inhaled sharply through his teeth as his eyes darted away then flicked back up to his before he finally spoke again. “Fuck it… I want to make you dinner. I want to hold your hand and things like that. I want to lean on you and listen to music and do all the sappy shit. All that dumb cutesy crap. You make me feel all this shit I haven’t felt in a decade, and I’m going to turn into one of those fucking people I sneer at when I’m at the coffee shop, and it doesn’t even bother me.”

  It was surreal to hear Levi confess how he did, and witnessing his vulnerability made Eren almost laugh. Not because he didn't take it seriously, not because he didn't feel the weight of the words, not because he found it funny, but because of how Levi put it and it made Eren giddy that he stirred those feelings in Levi. Still, he stopped himself. He could see the blush on Levi’s cheeks, it wasn’t bright or dark, only a dusty pink, but it was there, and Eren felt like he wanted to throw his arms around him.

  Levi was sarcastic, guarded at times and he was revealing _this_ , laying himself out in the open. Being charming and honest in his own Levi way, and he’d looked at Eren the entire time, was still looking. Was so sure of himself that he didn’t blink even after the uncharacteristic admission.

  “Wow. You’re going to make me cry or something,” Eren whispered and didn't look away no matter how exposed he felt. “I want to do all that too.”

  Levi swallowed slow and pressed a kiss to Eren’s mouth, got up on his toes so he could look at him better before he spoke. “I don’t want this to turn out like my past relationships. I told you I’m not good at this part… but I’m trying to be.”

  “It’s good enough,” Eren said, held Levi closer feeling a surge of confidence.

  “That’s enough of me pouring my heart out and being insufferably lame for now. You’re going to figure out all my secrets if I keep talking.” There was a huff in Levi’s voice, and Eren almost laughed again when Levi pulled away, took his hand and started to march them through the bar toward the stairwell.

  “I like when you talk,” Eren admitted. He wanted to hear everything Levi had to say, know all those secrets he referred to.

  Levi looked back at Eren before he started up the stairs. “You’re too sweet. How in the fuck did _I_ end up meeting you?”

  “Good luck?” Eren joked.

  “You’re arrogant underneath all the anxiety too.”

  “A little,” Eren smirked, trailed Levi upstairs, sneaking glances at him as he walked behind him until they reached the door to Levi’s apartment and went inside.

  Eren sucked in a deep breath once they entered. It was incredible. Open, a mix of industrial and modern, a vaulted ceiling, which left him realizing where the fourth floor had disappeared to. There were posters and artwork, and an open kitchen that was beautiful. He could see what almost looked like a wide ladder that led to a loft, and he assumed that had to be where Levi’s bedroom was.

  “This is unbelievable,” Eren said shocked.

  Levi smiled as he walked behind a kitchen counter. “It took a long time for me to get it like this. Sucks that I don’t actually own it.”

  “You don’t own it?” Eren asked.

  “No. I only lease one-half of the building, but I’ve entertained the thought of buying it for a couple years.”

  Eren watched Levi pulling a pan out from the refrigerator and set it down on the counter. He saw what looked like uncooked ravioli, but they looked fresh, not like the frozen kind available at the store. “Did you make those from scratch?”

  “Yeah, did you think I was going to feed you shit for dinner?” Levi asked falling back to his usual sarcasm, and Eren adored it. Adored that Levi took so much time to do something for him, and he had to fight not to thank him as he was usually inclined to do.

  “No, but making that from scratch must be really hard,” Eren pointed out.

  “It’s not difficult, but it is tedious,” Levi explained. “I like doing it though, it relaxes me, and it gave me something to do today.”

  “It looks good,” Eren said, glad it sounded as if Levi had to distract himself all day as well.

  “It’s your traditional cheese ravioli. None of that weird shit like butternut fucking squash,” Levi explained as he set a pot of water on the stove to boil.

  “I would have eaten it even if it was weird,” Eren muttered as he began to feel comfortable enough to sit down on a stool at the kitchen counter.

  Levi moved toward him, stopped when he was in Eren’s space, placed his hand over Eren’s sitting on the kitchen counter. “I know you would have, but who the hell likes butternut squash ravioli?”

  “It sounds sort of gross,” Eren confessed, though was aware that if Levi had served it to him, he would have gratefully consumed it.

  “I promise this won’t be gross,” Levi assured Eren before moving past him. “Get comfortable, I’m going to put music on.”

  Eren turned around, watched as Levi crossed the living area to a shelf filled with records and started flipping through them, turning his head to look at the covers before he made a selection and set it playing on a turntable.

  “Do you want anything to drink?” Levi offered as he began pulling herbs out from the fridge. “I made sure I had Coke for you.”

  “Yeah, thanks.” Eren noticed he’d said _it_ , but it was so casual Levi didn’t say a thing.

  Eren continued to watch Levi cook and made small talk with him while he prepared everything. Levi told him about the sauce he’d cooked all day, and Eren wondered again if Levi had busied himself because he was antsy about seeing him.

  When they ate, Eren had to repress the urge to move around the table, put his arms around Levi and thank him profusely. There was a short period of time that he nearly felt as though he would get teary-eyed, but the high he was on being with Levi was stronger, and he focused on that rather than the sentimentality the dinner brought on.

  When they were finished, Levi led Eren over to the couch, changed the music before sitting down next to him, and Eren didn’t miss how Levi nudged his shoulder into his arm and leaned against him.

  “I hope you like this album, it’s sort of old, but you’re used to it from being in the bar, so I thought you wouldn’t mind,” Levi said as he smashed himself closer to Eren.

  Eren didn't recognize it, yet he appreciated it for a different reason. “It reminds me of you, so I like it.”

  “That so?” Levi queried.

  “Mhmm, it sounds sort of sad, but happy too, and the lyrics are angsty and sappy -as you would call them.” Eren was quiet. So was Levi and he feared he had said something wrong.

  Levi looked thoughtful as he curled in closer, brushed his fingers over the back Eren’s knuckles. “So, I’m sad, happy, sappy and angsty?”

  “A little?” Eren countered shakily, not sure if he should have been honest or not.

  “I see what you mean,” Levi said.

  Eren sighed in relief. “Oh good. I thought I might have pissed you off.”

  “No. It takes a lot to piss me off, I’m just a grouch,” Levi explained.

  “Sometimes,” Eren said, and Levi squeezed his hand.

  They moved into a comfortable silence squished together on the couch, taking turns mapping out each other’s hands with soft strokes of fingertips, catching gazes, fondly looking at one another as long minutes ticked by. There was quiet apprehension between them that Eren could feel, a delicate nervousness that both of them seemed afraid to breach. It was dichotomous to the fierce kiss when Eren had arrived, but it didn’t feel _wrong_ , more as if they had delved into something deeper and neither wanted to break the surface just yet.

  After a time the mood shifted, and at Levi’s urging Eren picked out albums, going through several before he settled on a handful, feeling happy Levi allowed him to even touch them. They had a debate whether New Order was better than Joy Division, at which point Levi playfully told Eren to shut the fuck up. Though he followed up his demand with an apologetic kiss which remedied Eren’s pouting.

  Eren was still anxious about starting anything physical with Levi other than kissing, but as the night moved on Levi pressed slowly closer, put a leg over Eren’s lap, slinked his hand onto his thigh, and a demanding urge to do more began needling Eren.

  He eventually moved his arm shyly around Levi, tracing his fingers thoughtlessly over the designs on Levi’s shoulder, feeling comfortable enough to stop resisting the need to do so.

  Levi’s breathing sped up, and when Eren heard it, he slid deeper into the couch. Stretched himself out more, hoping Levi’s hand would move higher, perhaps to the erection that quickly began forming as his hand shifted slightly to the inside of his leg and he ran teasingly light strokes over him. He looked down at Levi, and it was as if Levi could feel Eren watching him when his eyes immediately looked up and over and met his gaze.

  They didn’t need to say anything, didn’t need to look at each other longer, the distance only closed, and Levi had turned before Eren knew what was going on and Levi’s lips were upon his again.

  The kiss was slow, Levi’s tongue dipping gingerly into Eren’s mouth, not desperate or hungry. Eren was so gently wound up chasing it back, feeling the soft give of Levi’s lip between his teeth that he barely noticed Levi push him down onto his back before he was pulling off his shirt.

  Green eye’s blinked up at Levi as Eren shuddered, gasped for air when Levi’s eyes bored deep into him, and he felt his thighs squeeze hard either side of his hips.

  “I’ve been curious,” Levi breathed, looking at Eren like a prize. “You reacted in the bar when I touched you like this.”

  Eren watched Levi above him through half-lidded eyes, trying not to twist beneath him, whined when Levi drew the tips of his fingers down his chest and stomach. His cock hardened more, made it feel like his pants were way too tight. He wanted something but didn't know exactly what. “Levi, I…” Eren whined, pushed his hips up trying to get friction.

  “I knew you had a thing for this,” Levi whispered before he repeated the motion then trailed a hand almost ticklingly light over Eren’s cock still trapped in his pants.

  Eren slammed his head back into the couch frustrated yet wanting Levi to do it again, back bowing when Levi touched him like that for the third time, felt his mouth move soundlessly before he found his voice pleading, “Ah… p-please…”

  Levi didn't say anything, only moaned low, bit his lip and got off of Eren. He was about to protest until Levi took his hand and began to pull him forward. “Upstairs.”

  Eren only nodded and followed him up, legs feeling nearly too weak to climb. When they made it to the loft, he watched Levi take his shirt off before he climbed onto the bed.

  Eren stood planted near the railing, was looking breathless at the tattoo on Levi’s back. A dragon stretching up his spine, its jaws open on either side of his neck like it was going to swallow him up, and the trance suddenly broke when Levi turned around obscuring the view, leaned back, put out a hand beckoning Eren closer. “C’mere, Brat.”

  Eren barely made it on his hands and knees to the pillows before Levi was pushing him back into the mattress, straddling him and undoing Eren’s pants.

  Any of the haze of Eren’s arousal that had cleared on the way to the bed came back full force as Levi tugged his jeans down his hips and freed his cock. He reached out to do the same for Levi, whining in exasperation when he moved away, leaned over and started searching through the drawer in his bedside table.

  “God damn it,” Eren heard Levi hiss.

  He leaned up on his elbows, looked over at Levi. “What’s wrong?”

  “My condoms are expired,” Levi groaned pressing his head into the bedding in frustration as he tossed one toward Eren.

  Eren picked it up, examined it. “This expired in 2015.”

  He watched Levi drop a bottle on the bed, then move back above him. Felt warm breath when Levi whispered in his ear, “Don't worry. I’ve got you,” before he leaned down and kissed him as he grasped Eren’s cock.

  Eren felt like he was going to shoot off the bed, no one had ever touched him like this there, and Levi’s hand felt so much better than his own ever did. He was digging his fingers into Levi’s back, gripping him, hanging on like he’d float away without him, moaning into Levi’s mouth.

  It felt so good, even better as he stopped thinking and began to thrust into Levi’s hand. Though Eren wanted to touch Levi too, and he struggled through the fog and palmed the bulge straining against Levi’s pants, smiled against his lips when he felt the vibration as Levi whined into his mouth, pushed his tongue in deeper, and Eren began to undo his jeans.

  Eren moved faster, careful with the zipper and slid Levi’s pants and underwear down under the swell of his ass, encouraged when Levi broke away, panted against his neck.

  “Eren…” Levi whispered when Eren took his cock in his hand, teased the spot under the head with his thumb, smeared the pre-come gathering in his slit over the head.

  They were moving against each other, hands stuck between them jerking each other off, until Levi stopped, looked down at Eren and pulled his hand away. “This will be better,” he said as he retrieved the bottle he’d left on the bed earlier, leaned back and opened it.

  “Oh my god,” Eren sputtered, looking at Levi’s dick for the first time. “It has tattoos.”

  Levi looked down, smiled darkly as he dripped lube into his hand. “Yeah, it does.”

  Eren reached out, ran a finger over the tendrils of the design that trailed down Levi’s length toward the head, almost moaned as he watched muscles tense under Levi’s torso as he shivered. Touched a line of what looked sort of like spikes that circled Levi’s cock underneath the head. “What is this right here?” Eren asked skimming his thumb over the design again.

  Levi laughed a little. “They’re thorns. I got that tattoo around your age. I was sort of a pain-slut then.”

  “Oh,” Eren said, blushed darker as he felt Levi spread his legs and lay between his thighs.

  “I’m not as kinky as I used to be…” Levi assured before he ran his hand over Eren’s dick, slicking it with lube before he grasped them both and began stroking. “….Only a little bit, still.”

  Eren didn’t know how it was possible, but it felt even better with the lube, and Levi’s cock rubbing against his than it had when it had only been his hand and Eren felt like he was about to come already. He grasped Levi’s biceps hard, grit his teeth, tried to will it away, and Levi knew exactly what his problem was because he let go of the both of them, smiled softly, and squeezed the base of Eren’s cock. “Don’t worry, I’m about to lose it too. This is going to go fast.”

  “I’m sorry,” Eren ground out as Levi pulled him back from the edge.

  “Don’t be,” Levi murmured. “It’ll be good.”

  Levi released Eren’s cock, held onto both of them again, and Eren was instantly thrusting up against him, crying out as he felt them slide against each other. He felt shameless, didn’t care how he was rising beneath Levi, how loud he was, and Eren wanted more kisses, more of Levi.

  He slid his hands up Levi’s chest, felt the muscles under hs skin straining as he ground against him, held them there for a moment, opened his eyes and watched Levi. He was panting above him, mouth hanging half open along with his eyes. He moved his hands up further, felt the pulse beating in Levi’s neck as he pulled him down, took his lips and tasted him like he was starving.

  Eren was going purely on instinct, any worries of how to be when they were like this were buried, and it was all need. Physical and emotional, and Eren felt his chest get warm when Levi kissed him back with as much hunger as he was giving.

  He felt Levi speed up, gripping them both tighter in his dripping fist, and Eren debated for only a moment whether to squeeze himself and stop it from happening now, but he wanted it so badly, and he felt like both his chest and his dick would pleasantly explode.

  When Levi wound his arm underneath him, gripped his shoulder and started nipping at his jaw, Eren let himself ride it out, thrust up hard, shuddered with his release against Levi as he continued jerking them, and came almost right after Eren with a, “fuck” on his lips.

  Eren felt Levi hold him tighter, embraced him back harder, didn’t care about the way their stomachs stuck together with the come and lube, only concentrated on the feeling against him of Levi’s heart pounding in his chest, then the feel of his lips on his again.

  He could hear the blood whooshing through his ears as Levi kissed him slow and deep, sucking his tongue into his mouth, slowing still more, pressing harder as their breathing evened out before Levi finally rolled off of him.

  Levi panted as he lay on his back beside Eren, and he watched him through slitted eyes as Levi spoke.

  “I told you it would be good,” Levi murmured.

  Eren could barely find his voice. “It was,” he smiled.

  He watched Levi get up, eyed his ass as he walked into the bathroom and returned with a washcloth and cleaned them both off. When he was finished, Levi tossed it in what looked like a hamper and returned to Eren’s outstretched arms.

  They laid there quiet as Levi settled his head against Eren’s chest, and Eren ran his finger’s through Levi’s bangs, concentrated on the puffs of Levi’s breath he felt against his chest. Eren felt surprisingly protective of him, maybe a little possessive, which was different because it felt the opposite from when they kissed for the first time.

  “I could lay here forever,” Eren revealed, feeling uncertain if he should have said it before it barely left his mouth. He was already putting his heart out there more than he’d planned.

  “Are you sure about that?” Levi asked, turned and looked at Eren, searching.

  Eren wet his lips, suddenly feeling too emotional when he saw the expression on Levi’s face. He looked worried. “Yeah,” Eren admitted, and he meant it.

  “Maybe you’ll decide you don’t want an old man for a boyfriend and break my heart into tiny little pieces.” Levi wasn’t joking, and Eren heard Levi’s breath hitch, watched his face as the mask dropped.

  “Stop,” Eren started, realizing that Levi had confirmed he was indeed his boyfriend, but the confirmation felt secondary as he began to understand that Levi was as scared as he was. Maybe more. “You’re not _old_ , and I’m not going to change my mind about being with you.”

  “Are you certain it doesn't bother you?” Levi asked looking somewhat reassured, but Eren could tell he was seeking more. It made his heart ache.

  “It doesn't. When I found out how old you were I thought you wouldn't be interested in me,” Eren confessed.

  Levi moved closer, ran his thumb over Eren’s chin. “I wouldn’t have expected to be. I don't make a habit of perving on teenagers, but there was something about you.”

  “My beautiful face?” Eren asked grinning, thankful Levi’s ‘perving’ comment lifted some of the conversation's weight.

  “Brat,” Levi smirked, tucked his head back under Eren’s chin and let out a breath. “I’m glad the condoms were expired.”

  “Why?” Eren asked though he felt a bit relieved they had been too. He wasn’t sure he was prepared for having sex with Levi yet. His feelings were still too tender and new, and the prospect of it made him feel like he was about to jump off a cliff.

  “Because I wasn't lying earlier about not bringing you here only to fuck you, and I wouldn't want you to think I was. We got wrapped up, and I wasn’t thinking,” Levi explained as he rubbed circles across Eren’s hip.

  “I should probably get tested anyway, I never have been so there’s no way to prove to you that I don't have anything,” Eren explained.

  “It’s been a few years for me because I didn't have a reason to,” Levi said.

  “Not surprising considering your condoms expired two years ago. That means you probably bought them in 2013,” Eren pointed out.

  “That sounds about right,” Levi began, “I have discerning taste. No one interesting came along until you.”

  “I hope I live up to your picky expectations then,” Eren teased. 

  “I’m confident you will.”


	6. Chapter 6

  The day hadn't begun good, sucked even more as it dragged on. Eren hadn't seen Levi since he dropped him off at his apartment after their evening together two days earlier. Levi had hinted at the option of staying that night, but Eren had to study the next day and the thought of sleeping next to Levi all night in his bed was currently the most frightening prospect in the world.

  It wasn't that he wouldn’t have enjoyed it, it was that he would have liked it too much. Any restraint he’d put on his feelings would have been demolished. He knew he was lonely, clingy, but he wanted his relationship with Levi to build from his feelings _for_ Levi, not out of codependence or the desire to fill the hole his parents’ deaths and his friends leaving had left in his heart.

  The man was already more than that to him, but it would be too easy to allow Levi to slip in as a replacement and he deserved better from Eren. He deserved vigilance and honesty on Eren’s part, not a kid who dove in head first and used him as a crutch.

  Eren had thought it over the day before, Levi camping out in his thoughts even while he studied. He’d been tempted to take a break and head to the bar or text Levi countless times throughout the day because, in truth, he was lonesome, but he had schoolwork to take care of and needed to remain an independent person regardless that he was getting involved with someone.

  Though it didn't stop his desire to be in Levi’s presence, it was easier for Eren to keep a handle on himself and some of his emotions -the ones he could, that was- if he stayed mindful of exactly what he should and shouldn’t be doing. Things like paying attention in class, instead of thinking about how much he missed Levi and how he was uncomfortably soaked to the bone.

  There was an hour left in class, Eren could barely endure it, and his resolve broke a bit, feeling like maybe he could take it less when he noticed Levi text him.

  ‘ _No class tomorrow?’_

Eren smiled when he read it, there was a possibility Levi wanted to see him. Eren had been diligent, done his work, went to class, sorted himself out, and resisted the urge to seek Levi out yesterday. It wouldn’t be over-indulging if he saw him today and let himself slip back into the comfort of his presence.

   _‘Luckily, no.’_

  _‘Hang out tonight?’_ Eren smashed down his smile, stuffed his phone under his desk and started typing.

_‘Yeah. :D’_

_‘Can I pick you up after class?’_

_‘Please! The bus sucked today.’_

  _‘When and where?’_

_‘4:30, corner of 4 th and Andersen.’_

_‘See you soon, Brat. :)’_

_‘Thanks. :)’_ Eren left out the heart emoji he wanted to add. It was still too early for those.

  After getting drenched in water when an inattentive motorist hit a puddle while he waited for the bus, Eren was grateful for the ride offer. He was soaked still, had thought about leaving class early as he sat stewing in his damp clothes, and the lesson went in one ear and out the other while he counted the minutes until Levi would pick him up.

  He was out the door immediately when the professor closed out the lecture for the day, feet moving as quickly as possible without breaking into a run. Eren stuffed his notebook in his bag, fingers arguing with his zipper as he struggled to get out of the building and put his things away at the same time. He looked out the entryway, saw it was still fucking pouring outside, and ran full speed across the campus until he saw Levi’s car.

  He expected to have been nervous on the approach and wondered where those butterflies had gone as he moved closer, then blessedly made it to Levi’s car and caught himself against it. He felt like an asshole when he got inside sopping wet and dropped his bag on the floor at his feet.

  “I’m sorry. I’m making a mess,” Eren said, pulled back his hood, and looked at Levi from the corner of his eye. He wanted to lean through the distance and kiss him, put his arms around Levi, but he was dripping all over the place, and he knew Levi preferred things spotless.

  There was a mild little spasm in his neck that rode down to his back, and his eyes widened when Levi reached out and brushed the dripping bangs from his forehead.

  “It will dry,” Levi said, and Eren swallowed slow and hard, recognizing he needed to get past the fear that he was going to do something wrong.

 “But I’m dirty too, some asshole splashed me with gutter water,” Eren explained, and Levi kept looking at him, hand repeating the motion and pushing back more soaking hair making the butterflies return.

  “I’d tell anyone else to kick rocks if they got in my car like this, but…” Levi moved nearer, kissed him, and Eren was sure the thrashing of the rain on the windows was meeting the pace of the blood rushing through his veins. He didn’t feel the uncomfortable clinging fabric against his skin or the chill that accompanied it moments before, only the feel of a warm hand delicately holding his cheek and Levi’s tongue in his mouth.

  When they parted and the heat receded, Eren realized how much he wanted a shower, and warm clothes that he didn’t try to get more kisses before Levi started the car and they pulled away.

  “You had a shitty day?” Levi asked.

  “It’s better now,” Eren admitted.

  “We’ll stop at your apartment so you can clean up,” Levi began and smiled that lopsided smile before he continued, “you’re a muddy disaster right now.”

  “Yeah, I feel gross.”

  “You could have called me for a ride,” Levi said flicking his eyes toward Eren. There was something tight in Levi’s voice, something that made Eren’s chest hurt again.

  “I- I didn't think about it,” Eren revealed. There was a wrenching inside like something in there was reprimanding him, and he wrung his hands, looked over at Levi then back down again. “I guess I didn't want to be a bother.”

  Levi sighed, and Eren recognized his mistake when he heard it. “You’re not a bother, Brat.”

  The rain didn't let up, only pounded harder when they arrived at the building, and Eren took a deep breath before he practically dove out of the car and ran for the door, key in hand.

  Levi was a mess too Eren noticed as they climbed the stairs, and he thought of waiting for a lull before they attempted to go back out to the car.

  When they reached Eren’s apartment, it was murky and hard to see, but he tossed his bag on the floor with a small sound of disgust and started pulling at his wet clothes. “I’m going to shower. I’ll be quick.”

  He abandoned Levi, moving toward the bathroom before he was stopped in his tracks. “What the hell?”

  “What’s wrong,” Levi asked as he switched on a light.

  Eren looked down, squinted at the floor, pulled up his foot and stared at the sole of his shoe in disbelief. “There’s water all over the ground here.”

  Levi walked further into the apartment, followed the puddle into the kitchen and looked up at the ceiling. “I think the roof is leaking.”

  Eren’s hands balled into fists, and he barely stopped himself from slipping on the floor as he looked up. There was a steady trickle of water running down the cabinet, and he wondered how he hadn’t noticed the sound of it when he’d first entered his apartment. The pitter-patter of the water hitting cheap linoleum was nearly deafening now. It pounded in his head, and he ran hands shakily through his hair, covering his ears for half a second before his hands slid down the sides of his face.

  It had taken him six months to save up enough money to move to this part of town, let alone find an apartment in his price range that wasn’t infested with roaches or rats, and now he had Niagara Falls cascading through his kitchen.

  “Son of a fucking bitch,” he whispered. This place was better than other places he’d found, but the landlord was an asshole, lazy, and mostly unreachable. Eren wasn't sure if he wanted to cry or punch a hole in the wall, perhaps both. He couldn’t fathom looking in the cupboard to survey the damage to his food, and the possibility of his cereal being destroyed was enough to make his knuckles crack as he reconsidered breaking something.

  “Eren?” Levi’s voice walked him back from the murderous red he was envisioning, and he hastily pulled out his phone to distract himself from what felt like an impending rampage.

  “I’m going to call the landlord,” Eren said through gritted teeth, almost slipped again when he moved to sit down on his couch.

  He could hear Levi fiddling in the kitchen while he dialed, then a string of curses as the phone rang and rang, his back absorbing tension like bowstring when he finally connected with an answering service.

  The call was brief, it wasn't what he wanted to hear, and Eren tossed his phone on the table in front of him instead of across the room when he looked up and saw Levi watching him.

  “What did those fuckers say?” Levi asked.

  “That they couldn't send anyone until tomorrow and to put a bucket under it.” Kicking something felt like a good idea again.

  “You could stay with me tonight?” Levi said, and Eren didn't miss the lack of hesitation or how he made it a question.

  Eren wanted to, but chewed his lip, stopped himself before he blurted out a, ‘yes.’ There was a chasm between them, and it felt like something wanted to burst out of Eren’s chest and carry him across it.

  Levi was looking at him, the guarded expression dropping momentarily like it had two nights earlier. He appeared pensive, maybe like he was hurting. “I’ll sleep on the couch if you want me to.”

  “I don’t want you to sleep on the sofa,” Eren whispered.

  Levi’s brows knitted into a frown as he leaned against the doorway and crossed his arms. He averted his eyes but looked sympathetic, yet uneasy. Already it wasn’t difficult for Eren to work it out, to read Levi. He knew Levi’s discomfort came from him behaving oddly, and this was probably the kind of shit Levi was always saying he wasn’t good with.

  “Get some shit together, you can shower at my place,” Levi instructed, and the camouflage was back.

  Eren stood on shaky legs. He was freezing, he was wet, he _wanted_ to go, and a decent shower in Levi’s apartment sounded a lot more attractive than one at his own house. He couldn't argue, wouldn't argue. In the end, he knew he’d acquiesce and agree, the hurdle now was making sure he didn't give too much of himself away over the course of the night. His emotions were raw, like a bundle of nerves scraping under the skin, it would be simple to open himself up, lay himself out bare even without Levi prompting him.

  He looked at Levi examining the ceiling as he walked toward his room. It would be so easy to dig his heart out and put the whole thing in Levi’s open hands, make himself so vulnerable and unprotected. Let Levi be that shield for him instead.

  Levi met Eren’s eyes, Eren smiled tiny and tried to stop looking so fucking attached no matter how much he already was.

  “You have a bucket or something I could put under it?” Levi asked when he caught him.

  Eren pointed toward the corner of the kitchen. “In that closet.”

  His furiousness at the leak renewed when he saw Levi immediately move toward the closet, and he had to get out of the room, calm himself down. There weren't many things that caused Eren to become this frustrated, that made him feel violent, but on the occasions it came, when it bubbled up, it came on hard.

  Levi didn't need to see him like this, and Eren didn't want him to. Their relationship was too fresh for these kinds of problems, and Eren moved to his bedroom to talk himself back down to normalcy and pack.

  There were more hissing curses heard from the kitchen as Eren gathered up clothes, stuffed them in a dry backpack. He didn’t care what he grabbed, he was too exhausted to find anything special, and he knew Levi didn't care. When Eren came out from his bedroom the sight that greeted him was enough to pull a smile from his lips, small as it was.

  Levi was diligently mopping up the water, looking like an efficiently cleaning madman. “Levi, you didn't have to.”

  He looked up at Eren, frowned before he continued cleaning. “Tch, you don't want to come home to this. Besides, it would be unhealthy. There’s mold up in that cabinet, so I know the leak isn’t new. I should punch your shitty landlord in his face.”

  “I don't think that's an excellent idea,” Eren worried.

  “No, but it doesn't mean I don't want to,” Levi began, looking angry as he squeezed out the mop. “I know the type. I grew up in places worse than this. They don't fix anything, only collect their rent.”

  Eren watched captivated as Levi put away the mop and set up the bucket, felt a little strange that he was feeling so enamored with Levi for cleaning his kitchen regardless he had once again mentioned what sounded like a shitty childhood. There was a lump in his throat, and he knew he was falling way too fast. “I have everything.”

  Levi walked forward, looked like he wasn't sure what to do for a moment before he took Eren’s bag. “C’mon, before you get pneumonia or something equally disgusting from those wet clothes.”

  The rain hadn’t let up, but Eren couldn't wait at his apartment for it to stop. He hated it there already, and regardless that he’d suffered a bit of fleeting apprehension about staying with Levi, deep down inside he didn't want to be in his home anymore.

  The sprint out to the car was wet and miserable, the ride to Levi’s fraught with puddles and sheets of falling water, and the run inside would have sucked the most had Eren not been that much closer to a hot shower.

  Once they made it inside the bar, they were both a mess, and Hanji looked up at them inquisitively from the bar as if they had never seen anyone come in from the rain before or hadn't looked out the window that day. “What the hell happened to you two?”

  “Nothing, Hanji, we were out for a walk in the sunshine,” Levi snarked on the way to the stairwell, sighing when he looked down at the water dripping across the floor as they went.

  “You both looked like drowned rats,” Hanji said.

  “That’s fucking observant,” Levi rolled his eyes as he threw the door open. “I have to get Eren situated with the shower upstairs. I’ll be down in a few minutes.”

  “I’ll be here!” Hanji called before the door slammed shut.

  “You don't feel like sitting at the bar tonight?” Levi asked as they walked up the stairs. “I sure as fuck don't feel like working.”

  “Can you do that?” Eren asked when Levi unlocked the door.

  “I can do whatever the hell I want,” Levi smirked. “It’s Tuesday night, it’s not busy, and I wasn’t planning on us being down there long. Hanji and Isabel can handle it, and Furlan can always keep an eye on the door and make drinks if they need help.”

  “Good. I just want some dry clothes,” Eren said.

  “You’ll have them soon.”

  Once they were in the apartment, Levi led Eren straight to the loft, took him into the bathroom, got the shower running and hung a towel on the hook.

  The warm steam was enough to make Eren want to tear all his clothes off, in fact, he was sure they couldn’t come off fast enough, and he was down to only his jeans and socks when Levi leaned up and gave him a parting kiss.

  “Take a shower for as long as you’d like, use whatever you want in there, then put your dirty stuff in the hamper so I can wash it. I’m going to run downstairs and make sure those dumbasses are set for the night, so they don’t come bothering us.”

  After Levi had departed, Eren peeled off the rest of his clothes as quickly as he could, dropping them on the floor after a short internal debate over whether or not to put them in the hamper first.

  Levi’s shower was so much better than his he realized when he stepped in. It had been years since he didn't have to wash as quickly as possible in fear of the shitty tepid water running out. He spent at least five minutes only standing under the water, forehead pressed against the cold tile, sucking up as much of the steam as he could. His bones ached, and his chest hurt, but getting the grime off and warming up was like being reborn.

  When he was finished he smelled like Levi, not exactly like him, but a hint, and he couldn’t stop pressing his nose to his skin while he got dressed. He wanted to put on his pajamas and forget every awful thing that had happened that day, but he was sure Levi wasn't back upstairs yet.

  There was an emptiness he could sense in the apartment. He knew Levi hadn't returned without even searching, and decided he should go downstairs after doing as instructed and putting his dirty clothes in the hamper.

  He didn't see Levi when he arrived and took his regular place at the bar. There was a temptation to go behind it and get himself a Coke, but he wasn't working, only had once, and didn't feel entirely comfortable doing it.

  A few patrons were sitting around, but it was mostly deserted, and Eren wanted to go back upstairs. More than that, he wanted to go look for Levi because he felt small, weak and stuck out in the middle of a wind storm. The day was too much, and every little thing had dragged Eren back to the edges of an abyss where he didn't want to be. Something nasty inside was unfurling, attempting to grasp him and tug him back in.

  He was depressed, too depressed for a guy who was waiting for his boyfriend who he was going to spend all night with. He looked up, tried to garner some wisdom from the bottles of liquor sitting on the shelves in front of him. Instead, he saw Hanji who came rushing over when their eyes met.

  “Hi, Eren,” Hanji said, taking the seat next to Eren and nudging him a little. “Having a cruddy day?”

  He huffed in a breath, blew it out slow as his fingertips pressed against the surface of the bar, felt his toes curl in his shoes along with them. “Do you ever have one of those days that starts out with putting your underwear on backward?”

  Hanji laughed. “Yes! I know exactly what you mean. Then it all goes downhill.”

  “That’s how my day began,” Eren slumped forward a little and looked at Hanji.

  They patted Eren’s arm and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “Levi told me about the leak and the gutter water. Sorry, sweetie.”

  “It’s been one thing after another today,” Eren whispered. “Not only today, really…”

  “Yeah,” Hanji began, eyes wide and sparkling like they always were when they got excited. “You can stay with Levi tonight though. He wouldn't let you sit in that mess, and I already told him I’d hold down the fort here so you two can relax.”

  It was all so sweet. A sweetness that Eren wanted, but wasn't used to anymore. He didn't even know what to say.

  “Something else wrong?” Hanji asked when Eren didn't respond, only averted his eyes and slumped a little more.

  “I- I,” Eren began, pushed himself up straight as a pencil and looked across the bar while he searched for words. “Nothing else is _wrong_ , I just- I don't want to be a burden.”

  Hanji had moved in closer before their voice dropped to a whisper, not losing that animated edge. “You’re not a burden. I swear.”

  “But Levi and I… He's done so much for me and-“ Eren started, frustrated he couldn't get a whole sentence out. When the hell did he forget how to talk? “It hasn’t even been a week.”

  “Eren, I’ve known Levi for almost twenty years, and I’ve never seen him like this. Nothing close to it. Believe me when I say you’re not a burden. He’d be going out of his mind right now if he’d left you there.”

  “Are you sure?” Eren asked apprehensively.

  “Absolutely. Levi may not say it, but it doesn't mean it isn't the case,” Hanji explained. “He’d be a grouch if you weren't here right now.”

  “But that’s a problem too,” Eren pointed out.

  Hanji didn’t say anything at first. They looked at Eren, searched his face before taking a quick glance around the room and dropping their voice.

  “Contrary to what Levi would have you believe, I can be as good at listening as I am at talking.” Hanji looked at him, leaned down on the bar, put their hand on the back of Eren’s neck and coaxed his head down level with theirs. They looked at him expectantly, earnestly, ready to hear whatever secret Eren had to tell.

  Eren closed his eyes, kept them shut, not sure if he should be talking about this with Hanji. “It’s personal sort of.”

  “Is it about Levi?” Hanji asked.

  “Not really, it’s about me.” There had to be some way of explaining.

  Hanji put their head up, looked worried and covered one of Eren’s hands with their own. “I hope you’re not changing your mind!” Their voice was desperate, higher pitched again.

  Eren shook his head. “No, no, no. The opposite would be closer to the truth.”

  “What do you mean?” Hanji asked.

  He felt so stupid, but he needed advice, and from someone who wasn’t practically a kid like him. “I mean, can you care about someone too much too fast?”

  “Oh…” Hanji started and smiled wide. “As long as you aren't losing yourself, no. I don't think so. Love can be a frightening thing, Eren. Like some big scary giant that wants to eat you, and then when it does it doesn't even digest you, it just throws you up.”

  Eren looked at Hanji fascinated yet horrified and confused before they continued.

  “Actually a monster like that would be so _interesting_ …” they trailed off, looking at the ceiling.

  “It sounds terrifying,” Eren said, trying to pull Hanji back to reality.

  “I’m sorry,” Hanji said, looked like they came back down to earth again. “I understand why you’re afraid.”

  “What if he changes his mind?” Eren asked, realizing this was where a significant amount of his apprehension was coming from.

  Hanji was quiet again, flicked their eyes up like they were thinking hard, searching for some file in their head and laughed. “You know, it’s interesting how two people can have the exact same silly fear about the other… I wonder what the chances are,” Hanji grinned. “You and Levi _really are_ made for each other.”

  They didn’t say it, but Eren understood it. He’d have to talk to Levi about his feelings or get over it, but allowing worry and fear to consume him wasn't going to accomplish anything. He had too much going on in his head, he was hungry, worn out and achy, and he just wanted to curl up in Levi’s apartment and pretend his roof wasn't leaking.

  He waited patiently at the bar for another ten minutes listening to Hanji babble about man-eating monsters with no dicks before Levi reappeared, rescued him from Hanji’s imagination and took him back upstairs. They ordered Chinese food, and Levi showered while they waited for it to be delivered. Eren was overjoyed when Levi started coming back downstairs in pajamas because Eren wanted so badly to be wearing his too.

  “Oh thank god,” Eren blurted out when Levi stepped off the ladder in flannel pants. “I am so sick of jeans.”

  Levi snickered, brushed damp hair out of his eyes. “Wear whatever you want, Brat. You can walk around naked for all I care, but Hanji will be up soon with that food, just to warn you.”

  “Pants it is, then.” Eren went up to the loft and changed. When he got back downstairs, Levi was lounging on the couch, idly flipping through channels shirtless with his hair down.

  “We’re not going to be able to see the full moon tonight,” Levi sighed as he looked up at Eren. “I’m looking for a movie instead.”

  It would have been nice, but Eren didn’t find himself that let down as he sat on the couch, felt his achy body drawn back into Levi’s embrace. “Next month?” Eren asked and began outlining the tattoos on Levi’s chest with his fingers.

  “Next month,” Levi affirmed then looked down. “You like those?”

  “They’re pretty,” Eren whispered.

  Now that he could touch Levi when he wanted, Eren couldn’t quite get enough of the designs, couldn’t resist the need to run his hands across them. Levi didn’t appear to mind either, perhaps liked Eren worshipping him like that with the way his breath sped up a little. How he pulled Eren closer, caught the shell of his ear between his teeth, skimmed his thumb under the waist of Eren’s pajamas.

  Eren was already hard, near undone when Levi’s hand dipped farther down below his navel, trailed through the coarse hair above his cock and he started sucking on his neck. Eren whined, leaned up into the touch about to stretch himself out under Levi on the couch when he heard a knock at the door. 

  They had sunk too far into the fog, had to shake off the arousal, and Levi sounded like he nearly growled as he threw a blanket over their laps and bellowed a rough, “come in.”

  Hanji appeared in the kitchen, squealed about how ‘adorable’ the two looked snuggled up on the couch, then dodged a glare from Levi as they set the food on the counter and bid them goodnight.

  Eren was okay through dinner, a full stomach had quelled most of his apprehension about what he and Hanji discussed, but after they finished, and the evening ticked on, Eren found himself becoming nervous about his apartment once again. They’d watched a movie, somehow made it through without getting naked, but it was later now, closer to bed, and he started thinking too hard about the next day.

  Being with Levi took the edge off the immediate stress, but spending this one night with him was a temporary solution. He couldn’t allow himself the illusion that the problem was gone and he sunk deeper into disquietude. He began to shift restlessly, and Eren knew he had gone too quiet when Levi told him everything would work out fine without having to ask what was wrong.

  “But what if it doesn't get fixed?” Eren sat forward and put his head in his hands. His chest felt all achy again, but not that fond cozy ache it sometimes got when Levi looked at him just the right way. This was burning and tearing with an unpleasant crack. It made his eyes sting again, and he realized his hands were pulling into fists when he felt his nails in his palms.

  Levi’s hand slid across his back, fingertips teasing at his side, trying to coax him backward. “We’ll deal with it when it happens if it does. There’s nothing we can do right now.”

  Eren resisted Levi’s attempts to pull him against him, and he hated doing it, but he felt wound up like a top about to be spun. “He might not get back to me. The last time there was a problem it took a week to get it fixed.”

  “We’ll figure it out, Eren,” Levi said more firmly, and moved to Eren, wrapped his arms around his waist and rested his chin on Eren’s shoulder.

  Eren didn’t lean back into the embrace no matter how much he wanted to. “But-“

  He was cut off when Levi dragged him practically into his lap and leaned them against the couch. Eren could feel Levi's breath rustling the hair on his head. The hold was so tight, Levi had plastered him to his body, and Eren finally had a sense of how powerful the smaller man’s frame was.

  Eren moved his head back, tried to look up at Levi. “Seriously, Levi, he didn’t-“

  “Jesus, will you stop being a brat and let me make you feel better?” Levi scolded and pressed Eren’s head against his neck.

  Eren didn't resist, though part of him wanted to. This affection was the kind that was going to make him cry. Most of his body stiffened, except those parts that were touching Levi. He found fingers to twist up with his own, warmed at the feeling of Levi’s skin against his cheek and the tip of his nose then wet his lips, brushing them against Levi when he spoke. “I know it’s only a leak, but...” Eren began, closed burning eyes, comforted by the sensation when his eyelashes skimmed over Levi’s neck on the way down.

  “I know, Eren,” Levi whispered. “It’s been shitty for you the past two years.”

  That was going to make him come apart, untie all the little pieces. He kept his mouth closed, clamped his teeth together, pictured them locked up tight. If he said a word and they opened up now, it was going to all pour out like the water falling on the floor in his kitchen.

  “I know I’m nothing special, that I’m nothing great, and it might be little consolation, but you’re not all by yourself anymore,” Levi said. “I’m not going to let you sleep in a drenched apartment, and you're not going to move to some infested piece of shit slum if that douche-bag doesn't get it fixed.”

  It should have been wonderful, and all those words were, and Eren should have been grateful and hugged the man whose arms he was laying in, but he was still so angry, and he wasn't Levi’s problem. It reminded him of the time when Armin had brought him treats and extra food after his parents died while he was in that stupid youth home and he’d thrown the bread back at his friend, only to have Mikasa shove it in his mouth.

  He needed someone to stick a loaf of bread in his mouth right now. Eren shifted as much as the embrace would allow, tried to look at Levi, but Levi’s arm was locked around him keeping his head down.

  Perhaps Levi knew it was better if he didn't look.

  “It’s not your responsibility though,” Eren murmured. He could barely say it because he was so far off the mark and he knew it.

  “It’s not, but does it look like I give a fuck?” Levi asked, and Eren felt like such a brat, understood now why Levi always called him one.

  “No…” Eren said, and buried his face harder against Levi because he couldn't say what he wanted. “But-“

  “You’re going to be a brat and make me fucking say it all,” Levi interrupted, quietly groaned, then pressed his lips into Eren’s hair and trapped his legs with his own. “We haven't known each other long and all that shit, blah blah blah… but sometimes... maybe... a guy waits for somebody, and he doesn’t know who he’s waiting for, but he waits anyway, and when he finds this person he makes sure he doesn’t fuck it up. He does shit he wouldn't usually do and says things he wouldn’t normally say. He does it because he waited for so fucking long, and since the brat he waited for was willing to give an ornery jerk of a bartender a chance, that ornery jerk treats this brat like fucking gold because he wants to.”

  Eren was such a fuck up. Levi was so eloquent even through all the swearing and roughness, and he needed to say it all because Eren had been too blind to see it.

  “I’m sorry.” Eren didn't know how he managed the two words he did.

  “Don't be sorry, Eren,” Levi admonished. “Making me confess, snitching myself out, you should be feeling terribly arrogant right now.”

  “You said the other day you wanted to say things like that,” Eren smirked, and he knew Levi felt it when he choked out a breathy noise that sounded almost like a laugh.

  “I said you were going to make me spill all my secrets too.”

  “That’s not a bad thing,” Eren said, feeling some of the gloom lift.

  “No, but if you get my secrets, then I get to do this shit I’m doing without your complaints.”

  “Yeah…” Eren relented, squashed himself further into Levi’s smaller embrace as best he could.

  “You want to get in bed?” Levi asked as he threaded fingers into Eren’s hair.

  “I’d rather kiss you first.”

  Levi relinquished his hold enough that Eren could turn his head and sweep his lips softly across the edge of Levi’s jaw. Everything wasn't perfect, but it was better.

  “When you said you were nothing special or great…” Eren mumbled against Levi’s skin. “You’re a liar.”

  “And as usual, you should shut the fuck up,” Levi scolded, took Eren’s lips, and the warm brush of Levi’s mouth made Eren feel safe.

  It spread outward, over Eren’s face, down his neck, through all his skin, reached all the way to his toes. Levi moved across him and was like a blanket covering Eren. He could feel the press of Levi’s body everywhere, lighting up his nerves, but different from the other evening they’d spent together or their time on the roof the night before that.

  Levi pulled back, and Eren didn't protest because looking at Levi felt like what he should be doing right then.

  Those grey eyes were gazing at him, gazing _into_ Eren, and they were more exposed than he’d seen them before; as if a veil had slid back. Levi’s expression was so fucking honest and _devoted,_ and Eren felt like his limbs were made of something fluffy and muted.

  “I’m not trying to get in these pants right now,” Levi confessed while he squeezed Eren’s hip.

  “I know,” Eren whispered. He wasn't sure what he wanted then, but it wasn’t that.

  “That’s not what you need tonight,” Levi assured, ran his fingertips over Eren’s face, pausing to brush his thumb over Eren’s cheek, swiping away phantom tears that refused to fall. “You’re so stubborn.”

  That did it. Eren’s entire body bunched, stiffened before he went boneless. A tempest swirled inside of him, endearment and affection at the silent gesture, at the way Levi was regarding him, but that unrelenting misery and fear he’d tethered inside broke free as well. The tears came with the conflict of emotions, not a rush of them, nor were they accompanied by heaving breaths or shudders, but they pooled in his eyes, silently falling once they overflowed.

  “It was a bad day,” Levi whispered, held Eren and pressed their foreheads together. “You get it out, and then we move on.”

  “I didn't want to cry about it.” Eren sniffed and rubbed his eyes.

  “Shut up.” It was affectionate, but Levi kissed Eren like he always did when he said things like that, so he knew. “It’s important to bitch about things sometimes and cry if you have to. Not everyone can pretend things didn't happen or keep them inside.”

  “I swear I don't do this all the time,” Eren assured Levi, laughed at himself when his smile caused the rest of his tears to cascade down the sides of his face.

  “It wouldn't be a problem if you did.”

  “But I don’t.”

  Levi buried his face against Eren’s neck. “Fuck, you’re such a little brat.”

  “Mm.” Eren skimmed his hands down Levi’s sides, stopped and held them still when he felt Levi’s torso pulling in with each breath he had taken before it puffed over the skin where Levi’s mouth was still pressed against Eren’s neck.

  He didn't want to cry anymore, only wanted to stay on that couch trapped under Levi, the same as when he was in his bed and never wanted to leave. Levi was twirling his hair between his fingers, breathing against him being so entirely dedicated and attentive, had looked at Eren like he could start loving him at any moment. He had already told Eren he could break his heart, and Eren realized how stupid his own perceived fragility was.

  He laid there with a breakable adoring grump in his arms and had spent the last two days worried about having his own heart shattered. Levi was on an entirely different page, because through all the fear and vulnerability, unlike Eren, he didn't hold anything back.

  Eren wrapped his arms tight around Levi, felt his heart jump before it sped up and slammed into his chest. It could be so much different, so much deeper if he would give just what he got. Levi didn't deserve less than Eren, and Eren’s selfishness was going to unfairly hold them back.

  He didn't know how to apologize or assure Levi he was going to stop being a self-absorbed ass, but he felt as though he wanted to pull him inside, surround him, cover Levi with himself. Eren turned his head toward Levi, nuzzled his lips and nose against his jaw, tried to coax him to turn toward him.

  “Levi…” Eren whispered, covered the skin he could reach with kisses before he flipped them.

  He looked down at Levi who was almost smirking at him, trapped him with his gaze. Eren told Levi how sorry he was and sent that painfully tender feeling that was rolling around somewhere under his ribs to Levi with his eyes.

  The smirk dropped, and it was like Levi’s face went naked, beautifully exposed before he was leaning up, grasping Eren’s head and smashing his mouth against his. They clung to each other, bruised lips and caught teeth in all their haste, but Eren didn't care, cared more that he couldn’t hang on tight enough or pull Levi as close as he wanted him.

  He was certain marks would be left on his hip and shoulder where Levi’s fingers were digging in, slender fingers like claws against his flushed skin. Levi felt so desperate in Eren’s arms, almost like passion had overrun him, but some unnamed thing was there with far more gravity than anything Eren had felt from him previously.

  It was in the sounds he made, how he hummed against Eren’s mouth, the way his tongue moved inside as if Levi couldn’t taste Eren enough, the way it felt like Levi was going to consume Eren when he bit his lips. How they kept kissing, kissing and grappling and fighting for more of each other without the need to rub their hips together. Eren didn’t even know if he had a hard-on, didn’t care if he did. Even when they stopped and Levi rolled them onto their sides, stared at Eren while they sucked in each other’s breath, Eren still didn’t care about his dick.

  He didn’t know if it were because they couldn’t yet, or because this was some different precious thing they’d just shared far beyond sex. Eren felt like he never wanted to move again, could spend the rest of his lifetime looking into steel grey eyes, feel the thumping in Levi’s chest beneath his hand knowing he was the one who made it beat like that.

  “Better?” Levi asked, and any other voice would have ruined the silence.

  “Yeah…” Eren whispered, tucked his head under Levi’s chin because he couldn’t look anymore.

  The quiet settled again for how long Eren didn’t know, but as he came down from whatever that beautiful high was, he cleared his throat and ran trembling fingers over Levi’s chest. “Levi…”

  “Hmm?” He sounded like he had been at the edge of falling asleep.

  “Can we go get those tests tomorrow?” Eren blushed and turned his face further in toward Levi’s chest when he heard the little rumble of a laugh.

  “So eager to claim each other?” Levi asked and ran his fingers gently down Eren’s spine.

  It wasn’t that, not really. “I didn’t mean it that way,” Eren said, could feel himself flush down to his chest. “I don’t want to do it and just jump into bed as soon as we have the results because we have them, but…”

  Eren could barely finish and swallowed while he dug up the rest of the words. “I want it done so it can happen when it happens, and we don’t have to stop.”

  “So now you’re trying to get in my pants?” Levi asked, and Eren could tell he smirked without even looking.

  “I was serious,” Eren whined.

  “I’m sorry. I know,” Levi said and kissed the crown of Eren’s head. “I'm an asshole. I understand what you mean. I don't want to do it only because we can either.”

  “So we can go? You want that with me too?” Eren asked. He could do it by himself, but he didn’t want to.

  “We can go tomorrow if that’s what you want.”

  “Is it what you want?” Eren asked regardless that he was afraid of the answer.

  Levi kissed Eren’s head again while his fingers teased across his lower back then came to rest on his hip and grasped it hard as he hissed. “Remember when I told you that you’re terrible at reading signals?”

  “Yes,” Eren laughed.

  “You still are, my adorably oblivious brat.”

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

  “Eren,” Levi breathed close to Eren’s ear.

  He could hear Levi’s voice teasing at the edges of his dream, floated back down into wakefulness when Levi softly called his name again. His whisper traveled like an echo, crossing the distance until Eren heard it a third time, felt warmth breath against his cheek.

  The arm over Eren’s stomach slowly felt more real, heavier, the palm fondly tensing at his side firing up his senses as the silky caress of Levi’s lips slid lightly against Eren’s shoulder.

  There was the rustle of blankets and sheets, and green eyes blinked open from under a fringe of messy bangs.

  Eren couldn’t see Levi well, but he turned toward the dip in the bed, into the scent and warmth of Levi’s body as his eyes grew accustomed to the darkness.

  “Yeah…” Eren said, found fingers to knot up with his own.

  “The sky cleared,” Levi whispered, and Eren looked at the hand that pointed outward and up from the bed, behind him, saw it as the moonlight shone on Levi’s pale skin through the window.

  The _moonlight_.

  “You can see it now,” Eren breathed, didn't care Levi woke him out of a sound sleep to show him. The windows behind Levi’s bed were huge, reached to the roof, and Eren could see the moon framed by the entire sky through parted puffs of white. It made him feel peaceful as if he shed his earlier worries along with the clouds and the rain.

  “I woke up and noticed,” Levi said. “I thought you’d want to see.”

  “Have you been awake for long?” Eren asked.

  “Not too long. I don't usually sleep well,” Levi confessed.

  He looked delicate when Eren looked back at him, eyes used to the light they were getting from outside now.

  Maybe Eren was just as awful with this shit as Levi. He thought the sleeping issue had something to do with Levi’s past but didn't know what to say or how to ask. He felt himself go all stiff with his uncertainty as Levi only stared at him, eyes flicking up to the outside every few beats.

  Clamming up constantly was useless, and Eren decided he wasn’t going be closed-off and quiet and unresponsive. Not when Levi helped him with his little breakdown earlier, not when he made it all better.

  “You can wake me up whenever you want,” Eren said, extending the best offer he could without prying. There was no more being a half-assed boyfriend, he’d already decided that earlier when they were on the couch.

  “Does that mean you’re going to stay over sometimes?” Levi asked. He was so quiet compared to how he usually was.

  “If you don't mind having me in your bed,” Eren whispered.

  “You’re always welcome in my bed, Brat.”

  Eren’s fingers tightened around Levi’s more, and he wet his lips and just looked at him, smiled harder than he’d intended to.

  Earlier in the day, Levi’s words would have caught Eren off-guard, but after their exchange on the couch -not only the words that were spoken but those unspoken- they didn’t. Levi adored him, Eren could feel it, knew somehow that he hadn't misread any of it. He only hoped that Levi understood that he cherished him just as much.

  Levi was so responsive to Eren too, yet in a different way than he was with other people or how he had been when Eren first met him. Eren could feel it now in the way Levi’s fingertips gently pressed into his palm, how his body subtly slid closer, how Levi’s knee edged over toward him and his head tipped a little closer.

  Eren wouldn't have imagined this Levi a month earlier.

  It wasn't hard for him to tug Levi toward him, press his lips against Levi’s. The brush of his lips in return felt like he wanted him, felt like something else was there too. How Levi tucked himself up against Eren, his hands feeling gentle but sure as they found patches of flesh on Eren’s back, then slid down his side. It would almost seem tentative if Eren didn't know better. As if Levi was afraid to touch him, but it was more like he was memorizing Eren and trying to burn something into him at the same time.

  There was that all too familiar feeling of Eren not being able to get enough air in his lungs again when Levi’s hand went lower, dipped down under his pajamas, slid over his lower back and Levi pulled back to look at him. Eren concentrated on Levi’s lips, took too big of a breath when he looked up -way too big, and couldn't fill his lungs enough in the aftermath.

  He could see better now, see the way Levi’s pupils took over, had both gone almost all black, watched Levi look down at his neck, lick his lips and raise his eyes back up like he was tumbling a question around behind the mask.

  Eren didn’t wait for it to come, was too enthralled with touching Levi. He could feel Levi’s stomach contracting where his hand rested against it as Levi sucked in a breath. Smooth muscles tightening up suddenly, tenser still when Eren closed his eyes and kissed Levi forceful and searching then slowed down when Levi’s tongue fought back for dominance.

  Eren would let him have it for now.

  Let him have it because Levi’s hands were all over him now, and Eren didn't want any of it to stop. He was going to fly apart in the most perfect way, felt like he was crumbling to bits when Levi’s hand skimmed down below the waist of his pajama bottoms again, taking them down with the sweep of his hands over skin as they shifted lower. Light teasing touches gracing Eren’s flesh, punctuated with nails scratching and fingertips pinching.

  Eren was naked now down to his knees, the first time he had ever been this exposed with Levi, and his skin went all hot and tingly when Levi caught his pants with his foot and pushed them off the rest of the way. Eren breathed faster as his cock got harder, shut his eyes tight, kissed Levi like he was starving and began stripping Levi of those fucking flannel pants.

  He was wavering between bashful and daring, neither of which slowed his heartbeat. It only sped up more when Levi moved to lay on top of him, pushing Eren back into the sheets and crawling up between his spread legs. Their hip bones met with a bump in their desperation to be pressed together again, and Eren’s legs tensed involuntarily against Levi’s thighs, squeezing him until he hissed.

  “Eren…”

 Eren wanted Levi to fuck him, realized on second thought, not ‘fuck’ him- something else, something softer. He wished they’d already had those tests because this would be perfect. Getting woken up in the middle of the night to look at the big full beautiful moon, watching Levi above him in its pale glow while Levi was inside of him.

  It only made him harder as he built it all up in his head like some damn love story, some perfect scene like something in a romantic movie.

  Eren wasn't a virgin technically, but he might as well have been because he’d never done this with a man before, he’d never been taken.

  It was all Eren could think about with how Levi was grinding against him, how Levi’s tongue was swiping into his mouth while his fingers began to comb through his hair fondly. It was too much almost, made Eren’s heart twinge again while he felt his skin flush.

  There was physical need wrapping up with some other unrelenting sentiment that twisted along with it inside. Both made Eren feel like Levi wasn't close enough even with him pressed tight up against his chest. That’s when Eren noticed how fevered Levi’s skin felt too, how warm his mouth was as it latched on to his neck, sucking up bruises that Eren thought he should care about, but didn't.

  Eren almost came apart when he pried his eyes open, looked down to see Levi looking at him almost deviously before he took one of his nipples between his teeth then flicked his tongue teasingly light over it. When Levi did it again, Eren was sure his back almost bent in half with how it had bowed. Levi held him back down, whispered Eren’s name against his stomach sounding like he was reciting a prayer and Eren felt like he was going to cry.

  Not because he was scared or sad, but because Levi was worshipping him and something was hanging between them, something he was too afraid to put a name to, but it made him feel like all the emotions inside were too big to fit under his skin.

  Eren was sure a lot of what they were doing weren’t the kinds of things that frequently felt romantic to most people. It still did to Eren, even more, when Levi began taking his cock in his mouth, Eren’s thighs starting to tremble either side of Levi’s head, and his hands were shooting down to tangle up in Levi’s hair.

  Eren tried to bite back the whine that was desperately trying to escape from his lips, found he couldn't stop it when Levi took him deeper, and his fingers rubbed gently at the skin under his balls. He wanted to ask Levi to move lower, couldn't quite choke it out until Levi hummed around him, brushed his fingers softly down over the crease of his thigh.

  “Levi…” It was a raspy whisper and Eren was sure his voice was already fucking gone.

  “Hmmm?” Levi answered with Eren’s dick in his mouth, circled the head with his tongue when Eren nearly screamed.

  Eren was shaking, trying to get his hips up, but Levi was holding them still. His teeth were chattering, he was almost shivering he was so wound up. Eren knew what he wanted, wasn't sure he could ask for it, but he watched Levi watching him, looked at him with pleading eyes as Levi pulled away and sat back on his knees.

  “Here?” Levi whispered, drawing his knuckles down over Eren’s ass.

  Eren felt himself go hotter when he shook his head. He couldn't say it, wanted to hide his face, but he couldn't stop looking at Levi. He kept trying to watch him when Levi moved to go into the drawer next to the bed but had to throw his arm over his eyes when he saw the bottle of lube in Levi’s hand.

  Levi pulled Eren’s arm away with a ‘Tch’ as he settled back over him, kissed Eren then let him hide his face against his neck.

  Eren still felt so shaky, breathed in Levi where his nose was pressed against his skin.

  “Has anyone ever?” Levi asked close to Eren’s ear.

  Eren knew what he meant, and he swallowed hard, tried to find his voice because Levi was asking so he wouldn't hurt him. His teeth were still fucking chattering, and his chest felt all tight. “No. J- just myself… a few… a few times.”

  “I’ll go slow,” Levi said, scraped his teeth over Eren’s neck.

  Eren shook his head feeling like every nerve in his body was in hyperdrive when Levi ran his hand lightly over his hipbone.

  “You’re over-sensitive right now,” Levi whispered. “So soft and breakable, I could spend hours taking you apart.”

  Those words shot straight to Eren’s groin, if his hand had been on his dick he would’ve come. He couldn't answer with words, could only grab Levi’s face between his hands, respond with quivering lips against Levi’s mouth. His heart was hammering so hard, there was no way Levi couldn't feel it with the way he had settled against Eren while he took his lips.

  Eren’s hands moved to Levi’s back, felt his flesh slide against his palms as Levi's mouth traveled lower to his chin, nipping a trail down his neck and chest as he inched down Eren’s body once more.

   He stopped Levi for a moment, hooked his hands around his biceps, didn't let go until Levi was back up with him, nose almost bumping against Eren’s own. Eren watched Levi swallow hard, looked down at his neck, watched his Adam’s apple almost stop before their eyes met again. Levi’s eyes looked so open. As if he left them that way so Eren could read them, maybe give Eren something Levi hadn't given him before.

  The way Levi closed his eyes slow and then brushed his cheek against Eren’s told Eren everything he needed to know before Levi was biting Eren’s lips in parting and resumed sliding down him again.

  Once Levi was sitting between his legs, Eren resisted the urge to hide his face, instead looked at Levi’s cock straining up toward his stomach and wondered how he wasn’t trembling just like him.

  He closed his eyes tight when he saw Levi pick up the bottle of lube, the sound of the top cracking open seemed so much louder than it should have been, and when Eren heard it snap closed, he chewed his lip, trying to even out his crazy breathing before Levi touched him.

  Levi rubbed the inside of Eren’s thigh, kissed him there, told him softly to relax before Eren felt his fingers gently circle him. He was about to fly off the mattress and knew he wasn’t going to be able to stay still. Eren wanted it, wanted Levi to do this so much, and it wasn’t that he was exposed, and this was so intimate, but it was his emotions on display. Eren couldn't control them, he couldn't hide them no matter how much he tried.

  He was doing exactly what he’d told himself not to. There was a part of him that cared, but it was so small compared to the part that didn't. The part that wanted to never go home, to never leave Levi’s side again. That part that wanted to sleep in Levi’s bed every night from now on.

  Eren couldn’t think anymore, his brain fucking breaking. The finger was teasing at his hole again, pressing carefully outside and Eren’s breathing went from short, sharp breaths that pierced his insides like a pleasurable knife to something so deep his lungs burned when he felt Levi’s finger begin to slide inside.

  He cracked his eyelids open, Levi’s eyes were on him, shifting back and forth between observing Eren’s face to watching his finger move deeper inside.

  “Good?” Levi murmured, and Eren nodded and whimpered because he couldn't fucking talk.

  Now Levi looked about as fragile as Eren felt. Eren could tell he was holding back, being so attentive, looking devoted and enchanted again, watching for Eren’s reactions as he began to pull back, then carefully drove back into Eren a little farther this time.

  Eren whined, fucking whined because it felt like all the nerves in his body homed in on that beautiful ache down there. Eren felt himself clamp around Levi, didn’t mean to, but Levi stopped, looked at Eren concerned.

  “Still good?” Levi whispered, and Eren found his voice after he cleared his throat.

  He wanted Levi to stop being still, move again so that ache would return. It was so much, nearly too much, but he wanted Levi to make him fall apart.

  Eren swallowed audibly, before his head fell to the side, eyes still watching Levi. “Don’t stop anymore.”

  Levi grabbed the bottle of lube again, poured more over his fingers before pushing in more and pulling back again. He quickly built a slow rhythm, torturously slow, going deeper each time, watching Eren start to twist on the bed until his finger was almost as deep as it could go.

  Eren’s hand slid down his stomach, making his way to his dick when he heard Levi shift, felt his tongue flick over the head of his cock.

  That voice that was very much strangled, near inoperable for most of the night since they had awakened, suddenly became impossibly loud.

  “Levi!” Eren moaned, fisted hands into raven locks and held Levi’s head there.

  Eren heard something like a breathy laugh, felt Levi’s smile curl against his cock as he smirked and slid his lips down over the head. Levi’s mouth was so hot, and he sucked harder, pressing Eren’s dick up against the roof of his mouth, flicked his tongue again into Eren’s slit, pushed his finger deeper, slightly faster. Eren was grateful Levi was holding him down on the bed with his arm no matter how hard he bucked upwards because he could barely control his movements at that point.

  Levi didn't appear to care because he sucked Eren down to the base. Found Eren’s hand, knotted up his fingers between his own, held them down against Eren’s stomach and it calmed Eren’s frantic breaths.

  Eren cracked his eyes open only a bit, wanted to see Levi, watched as his head slowly bobbed over him. He met his eyes for barely a moment, smiled around him again as Eren thrust down against his finger.

  He wanted more, and words came out a jumbled mess of syllables when Eren tried to speak, and Levi pulled off of him, the sound of protest that came afterward clear when Levi crawled up Eren’s body, finger inside thrusting in harder when their lips met.

  He couldn’t concentrate on kissing, could barely breathe and pulled away, pressing his lips against Levi’s cheek. “More, harder, I don’t know…”

  Levi didn’t shift, only coaxed Eren to look at him with soft murmurs and feather light kisses against the skin he could reach. When their eyes met, Levi let go of Eren’s hand, ran his thumb under Eren’s cheekbone, cupped the curve of his jaw in his hand.

  It was so fucking affectionate, and Eren felt his eyes get all hot again while his chest filled up with that warm emotional shit he refused to name.

  His eyes shut against the room when Levi’s hand between his legs pulled back, and when it pressed back in with two fingers, the throbbing was stronger. That need was more profound now too, but Eren couldn't look anymore. Levi’s eyes were too intense, the things it stirred in Eren too consuming and fragile. Like a boulder balancing on the edge of a knife. One look too long from Levi could kick it all down, send the feelings careening into Eren’s gut. They’d burst inside, and he’d never be able to pick them all up and control them again.

  Eren could barely keep his legs up when Levi slid away, mouthing barely-there whispers against Eren’s skin all the way down and took his dick back between his lips. Eren felt something inside, Levi hitting something there that made Eren feel like he was going to combust. He cried out as his legs fell open, felt his hips jump sharply, cock hitting the back of Levi’s throat, then heard the long drawn out groan come from his own mouth when Levi forced his hips back down.

  “Sorry,” Eren somehow managed to apologize, and Levi’s thumb was rubbing over Eren’s stomach softly in acceptance, reassuring and slow, making Eren get that fluttering feeling again.

  Eren was beginning to grow accustomed to the stretch more, moving his body experimentally down against the fingers fucking him, Levi humming quietly around Eren’s dick as he curled his fingers up into that place inside again.

  Levi was unraveling Eren slowly like he plucked up a stray thread, just pulled on it, making Eren fall apart from the bottom up. Eren’s mouth was dry from the rapid breathing, and his throat felt thick. The heat spread out from low in his belly, shot straight down to the soles of his feet. He was going to come, so sure he was going to explode the next time Levi hit him in that place inside again.

  Eren tried to warn Levi, licked his dry lips, swallowed down the lump in his throat. “I’m go- going to…” Eren choked out, fisted his hands into the sheets, so he didn't rip out Levi’s hair.

  There was a hum of acknowledgment, and Eren felt it through his cock before it shot into his chest and Levi relentlessly pressed over and over and over into that place again. Levi didn't stop, looked up at Eren determined, only pulled off when Eren grabbed his shoulder to pull him away, and Eren’s back bowed up above the mattress, made him feel like he was about to levitate.

  Eren heard his own voice, not sure how he produced the sound that was breathing out of him as he came. It felt like something got set off deep down inside, a long chain of explosions that traveled down through his limbs as Levi continued fingering him, jerked him off through the rest of it until Eren was thoroughly spent and his voice was practically gone. Eren was teetering near way too sensitive and collapsed back against the bed before Levi carefully pulled his fingers out, leaving him feeling almost painfully empty.

  He couldn't move, was still breathing like he’d ran a marathon, nearly wheezing as Levi crawled up the bed and laid next to him. Eren managed to turn his head to the side, looked at Levi through eyelashes as Levi wiped the come off Eren’s stomach with his pajamas, then the lube off his own hand and tossed them on the floor.

  Eren tried to speak, still couldn't as he was watching Levi looking at him. His mouth felt like a desert, and he still couldn't get enough air, but those grey eyes that were holding his gaze made it secondary to what he felt then. The way Eren got that fuzzy hot feeling again and something strained in his shoulders like his skin were too small to contain everything inside.

  He scanned Levi’s body, watched flesh that looked nearly black and white as it stretched over tensing muscles when Levi’s arm reached out, and his hand was skimming down the side of Eren’s face. Eren closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. Levi’s skin was so inviting, but it occurred to Eren that Levi hadn’t even come yet.

  Eren opened his eyes, looked down at Levi’s cock, still hard, reached his hand out no matter how difficult attempting to move was and skimmed fingers over Levi’s dick.

  Levi closed his eyes, choked in a sharp intake of air. “Catch your breath first, Brat.”

  Eren didn't stop though, ran his fingers back down and up again then pressed his thumb beneath the head. He was still looking at Levi and wondered how he was without turning away. Normally he’d be so bashful with the way he was laying there totally wrecked with his voice hoarse from crying out his pleasure for so long.

  “I don’t think I’ll ever breathe right again.” Eren’s voice sounded like his throat was made of sandpaper, but Levi only smiled that small smile, not the cocky or sarcastic one, looked into Eren a little more before he rolled up against him and their lips met.

  The kiss made Eren breathe deeper, slower, calmed his heart down like it was trying to match Levi’s. Levi’s heart was pounding in his chest, Eren could feel it, but it was steady and not nearly as frenzied as Eren’s was moments before. It was one of those kisses Eren loved, those kisses when Levi’s tongue licked far into his mouth, slowly tasted him before Levi started sucking Eren’s lip between his own like he was going to devour him.

  Levi always looked at Eren afterward like he was then when he pulled away. That delving gaze that made Eren want to put his face against Levi’s neck and hide. Hiding because he was way too exposed again because Levi’s eyes were so potent and when his expression would drop to the one that looked like something painfully sentimental it made Eren feel as if he would cry.

  It got him every time, wasn't backing off as he spent more time with Levi, but becoming harder to control. Eren knew one of these days soon he was going to lose it when Levi looked at him that way, and if Eren somehow were able to keep stopping it before then, he’d definitely not be able to when they finally had sex.

  He could see it now. Crying like baby beneath that gorgeous man, spilling his guts without words. Eren was going to be completely found out when he wasn't even certain what exactly he was feeling yet.

  There were words on the tip of Levi’s tongue like earlier. Eren could see it, read it on his face, but Levi bit his lip like he was holding them prisoner inside his mouth, pressed his forehead up against Eren’s chin and kissed his neck.

  Eren didn't want to force Levi to say what it was, just as Levi hadn’t forced him. Instead, Eren wrapped his hand around Levi’s cock, gripped him a little tighter when Levi let out a shaky breath as if he was trying to hold it back.

  Eren didn't know what the hell he was doing because he’d never done this before, but Levi just sucked him off, made Eren feel more pleasure than he’d ever felt before, so he wanted to try. He knew what felt good to him, and Levi seemed to be liking Eren’s touch so far if his responses were anything to go by.

  The way Levi laid back, spreading himself out below Eren as he made his way down his body, how his fingers grasped the sheets when Eren nipped at his jaw. Eren paused at that spot where Levi’s chest met his neck, could feel his own warm breath hit him back in his face as he exhaled against it before he laid a tentative kiss there enjoying the blush that was creeping further down. He could feel Levi groan, how he swallowed thickly, just like Eren had done earlier when he was on the other side of it.

  He worked his way down slow, partly because Eren was enamored with the responses he was receiving from Levi when bit his nipples, left wet kisses down his ribs, but it was also partly because he was stalling for time. Eren wasn't sure what to do when he reached Levi’s dick, and he was running out of options he realized as he felt the head of Levi’s cock bump into his chin. Sure, he was going to put it in his mouth and suck on it, but Eren knew there was more to it than that and he tried to remember through the haze just what it felt like Levi had done to him.

  When he ran into it a second time, and Levi grabbed his shoulder, Eren threw some of his trepidation to the wayside, brought his lips to the velvety skin on the head and licked before he slowly took Levi into his mouth a little bit at first.

  Eren could taste the pre-come, it was salty, not unpleasant, and when Levi’s fingers dug into his skin harder as Eren swirled his tongue, he took it as a sign he was doing all right.

  He was watching the rise and fall of Levi’s chest, wrapped his hand around him when his breathing sped up, moved up and down over him, sucking a little harder.

  “Brat…” Levi’s voice cracked with the endearment and Eren was encouraged, felt a little bit cocky when he moved faster and Levi’s legs tensed against his shoulders, held him there tight.

  It was surprising to Eren that he could cause someone to produce the noises Levi was making. Little hisses when the tip of Eren’s tongue would swipe across the head, long lingering moans when Eren would press hard with his lip against the vein on the underside.

  There was a whispered, ‘fuck’ from Levi as Eren took him deeper, ran his tongue up the length as shaky fingers reached lower to carefully grasp Levi’s balls. Eren wouldn't have expected it to be, but something was exhilarating about having Levi's cock in his mouth, giving pleasure to him, nearly battling to press down Levi’s hips that were inching higher off the bed back into the mattress.   

  Eren began to move faster, taking Levi down as far as he could, so careful of his teeth when Levi started thrusting up meeting his pace. He had to back off a hair when he almost choked, but those panting little moans that were coming from Levi’s mouth now suggested Eren wasn't fucking this up.

  “Eren…”

  He opened his eyes, looked up, past the smooth planes of Levi’s torso, watched his face almost go slack, mouth hanging open with his eyes all screwed up. Levi hadn't looked like that when he’d jerked them both off, now he looked like Eren was coming damn close to giving back what he got earlier. He felt a sort of chest-puffing satisfaction at that, feeling like he could stay down there between Levi’s legs for the rest of the night if only he’d keep hearing those beautiful sounds Levi was making.

  It was almost disappointing when Levi cried Eren’s name in warning, grasped his hair none too gently and pulled Eren off. Eren barely got his hand around Levi’s cock to jerk him off the rest of the way before Levi was coming, coating the backs of Eren’s fingers and his stomach as his dick pulsed in Eren’s hand.

  “Oh, my fuck…” Levi groaned through gritted teeth before he was sitting up, leaning forward to kiss Eren.

  Eren grasped blindly next to him for his pajamas, somehow managed to find them, cleaned off his hand and Levi while Levi was kissing him like he was trying to consume him.

  “Just throw it on the floor,” Levi breathed as he pulled back a tiny bit, lips still nearly touching Eren’s, eyes locked with his.

  He tossed it over the side of the bed, let Levi pull him down into the warmth of his body before he was throwing the covers over them. Eren was exhausted as soon as his face touched Levi’s shoulder, eyelids feeling like they weighed a ton, and he yawned before tucking his arm around Levi’s chest.

  “Sleepy?” Levi asked, ran fingers through the hair on the back of Eren’s head.

  “Yeah. I think you almost killed me.” Eren said tiredly.

  “Is that a complaint?” Levi smirked.

  “Nope. I’m doing anything but complaining.”

  “Good, because I intended for you to lose your voice next time.”

  If he weren't so tired, Eren would have started fucking around with Levi again at that statement. His cock definitely was up for it, stirring slightly even now through his tiredness, but he was utterly spent and nuzzled his face closer to Levi’s neck, felt his body begin to relax in Levi’s arms.

  “Good night, Brat,” Levi said and kissed Eren’s cheek.

  “Good night.”

 

XxXxX

 

  When Eren woke up, Levi was already awake, sitting on the edge of the bed half dressed just watching him. He had already showered, Eren could tell by the wet hair and the fragrance of his soap, smelled it more as he moved closer, kissed his forehead after he brushed bangs out of his face.

  “It’s still early, only seven,” Levi said and swept his thumb across Eren’s cheek. “You don’t have to get up yet.”

  Eren closed his eyes, felt overwhelmingly affectionate at the touch. The fear Levi would change his mind about them, or he’d be different out of the blue was beginning to subside, but it didn’t make him appreciate these gestures any less. It was enough that he forgot for a minute how sticky his stomach was or the dried sweat that clung to his body.

  As much as Levi’s bed was comfortable and waking up in his apartment was so much better than waking up on his own, Eren knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep more. Not when Levi wasn’t under the covers with him, and not when he had to worry about his apartment.

  That problem still hadn’t gone away, and he felt bit panicked when he wondered if the bucket might have overflowed.

  “I’ll get out of bed. I need a shower,” Eren said, sat up, winced slightly at the mild discomfort in his backside. “I have to check the water in the apartment.”

  “I tried not to be too rough,” Levi said, tipped Eren’s chin up so he’d look at him.

  “You weren’t. I'm all right,” Eren said, smiled regardless of the blush.

  “I thought we could go to your apartment, have breakfast, then go get the tests…” Levi started, looked down and back up at Eren before he finished. “I mean if you still want to.”

  Eren hadn’t changed his mind about that, was more sure they should go after what happened in the middle of the night. “I still want to.”

  “Good because next time I suck your cock I want to swallow you,” Levi whispered. It was so filthy, yet so surprisingly endearing at the same time. Regardless, Eren hid his face in his hands so quickly there was a loud slap when they met his cheeks. He murmured something and wasn’t sure what came out of his own mouth before there was the familiar ruffling of the hair on the back of his head.

  “Sorry. I did that thing again when I sound like the perverted old man that I might very well be.” It wasn’t bitter, only seemed maybe a little sardonic to Eren.

  “You’re not a perverted old man,” Eren whispered from between his fingers, looked up at Levi. “Even if you were, I doubt I’d care at this point.”

  Levi buttoned up his jeans, smiled at Eren with that devoted look that made him feel like he was melting for barely a moment before it was gone and Levi was pulling a t-shirt over his head. “I’m going to run downstairs fast and check the till. I’ll be back before you’re ready.”

  Eren sat on the bed, stretching, heard Levi move through the apartment, then the door close after a pause, presumably to put shoes on. He sighed and stuck his face in his hands again. Eren was worried about his apartment, but he was not going to let it ruin his day, was _not_ going to allow it to get between him and a whole fucking day without classes that he could spend with his boyfriend. His boyfriend who Eren kept catching looking at him like he was an angel or some other miraculous being.

  It was lunacy to fret about the leak to the degree he had the previous night, and as Levi had said, if it became a problem, they would deal with it when it happened. For now, he had a shower to focus on, then breakfast and getting one step closer to a normal committed relationship with Levi, taking down that wall that stood between them now.

  That was something that definitely had to be taken care of too. Eren knew if it didn’t, they eventually would do something stupid and have sex anyway. He couldn’t deny he might have that first night if Levi’s condoms hadn’t been expired.

  It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Levi, or he felt that Levi didn’t trust him, but Eren didn’t want that question mark there, didn’t want it ever to stir up doubts or problems. It was easier if they began knowing for certain from the beginning.

  The prospect was only becoming more exciting as he got out of bed and headed to the shower. The apartment could be damned for now if the bucket were overflowing and Eren told himself he wouldn’t get mad, wouldn’t fall back into despair like he had the day before even if it was.

  When Eren was ready, he noticed the bed had been changed and made. Better still, Levi was already waiting for him, sitting on the couch just smiling at him as he came down the ladder.

  It didn't stop when they were in the car on the way to the apartment either. Levi had been smiling at him then too, whenever their eyes would meet. Eren knew what Levi was doing. How the sometimes cool looking and dour bartender was attempting to keep Eren’s mindset in a better place than the day before, and it was working.

  Even the rain that had begun coming down again didn’t ruin Eren’s mood or the trudge up four flights of stairs to his apartment.

  Levi was at the door before Eren, holding his hand out, ready to take the key so he could enter first if that’s what Eren wanted. He looked at Levi, pushed his sleeves up as he lifted his chin and stuck the key in the lock.

  “I can do it,” Eren assured Levi. He wasn’t going to come apart he told himself as he pushed the door open and took a step inside.

  The first thing Eren noticed was the smell then saw how Levi’s nose wrinkled up. His feet stopped for a moment, legs still feeling sure before he scanned the room, moved trepidatiously to the kitchen to check the bucket with Levi right behind him.

  There wasn’t any water on the floor, but the container was almost full, filling up more with the dripping from the leak, and the scent of mildew was starting to become overpowering.

  “That smell is coming from all the shit growing on the ceiling,” Levi said, pointed up at the yellowish brown blob above them.

  Eren felt his chest do that uncomfortable jumpy thing it did the day before, then Levi’s hands were laying over his own where they sat on the edge of the bucket. The tension that was seeping into his back slowly ebbed away and Eren lightly shut his eyes and took a deep breath.

  He could clean this, maybe spray the ceiling with bleach. Levi would help him, Eren knew that it wouldn't be as bad as it seemed. The gross spot where the carpet had gotten wet the day before could be cleaned too. They’d only need to go to the store to buy cleaner, and with some elbow grease and a bit of time, they could make it tolerable until it was fixed and could be adequately cleaned.

  Levi’s hands were still over Eren’s, and he felt his fingers gently pry his away when they began gripping the plastic tighter.

  “I’ll get it,” Levi said, and Eren’s hands gave up before he hefted the container into the sink. “I doubt they’re going to be able to do much today since it’s raining again. Why don’t you see if there’s anything else you need for tonight.”

  “I can’t impose like that.” It was unexpected, and Eren wanted to slap the words back in his mouth right after he said them, remembering what Levi had confessed the night before about waiting for someone.

  Levi stopped what he was doing, turned slowly to face Eren. There was something like mild disapproval mixed with affection etched onto his face, and Eren thought it was an expression like what he would expect from a person feeling sorry about having to scold a puppy or something equally cute and unthreatening. Not that Levi was treating him like a dog, but Eren could tell Levi felt bad, felt bad Eren felt how he did, felt bad that he was going to once again gently correct him.

  There was another emotion too, one that made Eren’s back go stiff, it hit him in the chest, made him feel panicky and sick to his stomach when he realized what it was. Guilt. Guilt searing into his limbs, down to the tips of his fingers and toes as he watched Levi walk closer, realized his constant attempts to refuse his help might be making Levi feel rejected or insecure.

  “I’m sorry, that was a stupid thing to say.” Eren felt like such a fucking idiot, and Levi was looking at him, kept his hands at his sides seeming more relaxed than Eren had anticipated.

  “You can’t be here with it like this. You’re going to get sick or something, and there’s no damned reason to be if you have another place to go. It’s illogical.” Levi watched Eren as he nodded his head and continued, “I can drive you to school in the morning, and Eren…”

  “Yeah?” Eren asked, looked down, met Levi’s eyes.

  “I’m not going to get sick of you, Brat,” Levi assured, stiffened up, and glanced toward the window. “Unless it’s that you’re getting tired of me or something.”

  Eren wanted to drop to his knees, pull Levi toward him, bury his face against his chest and tell him how wrong it would be to think that. Instead, he moved forward through the space between them, put his arms around Levi.

  “I’m not,” Eren said, said it like he meant it so Levi would know how much he did.

  Levi smiled that half smile again, and Eren felt it against his neck, knew exactly what it was. The one Eren had seen the first night he met him.

  “Then no more debating about it,” Levi said as he stepped back. “Get your clothes, your books, any cute lingerie you might have hiding in there too, and let's go.”

  Eren rolled his eyes with a smirk, went to his room, wondering if Levi actually was into that, thought for a second that he wouldn't care if he was, and then heard the tell-tale sound of Levi in the cleaning closet again. When he returned Levi was finishing wiping the counter down and had set the bucket back up, but luckily hadn’t taken out the mop again.

  Once they were near the car, Eren didn’t get in, but grabbed Levi’s arm and pulled him toward him, let his knees go weak when Levi held him tight in return. The rain was falling gently, but not enough that he cared. Eren couldn’t figure out what to say, but he just sagged against Levi, let him hold him up a little, and blew out a giant breath.

  What seemed like the biggest disaster possible yesterday, didn’t feel so daunting anymore and he couldn’t help but laugh into Levi’s shoulder when Levi's hand skimmed sweetly down his back.

  “I’m starving,” Levi said, face muffled against Eren’s neck.

  Eren didn’t relinquish his hold just then, laughed a little harder, and nodded his head. “Me too.”

  Levi took Eren to a small diner, one Eren walked past almost daily when he went to the bus stop, but never had ventured into.

  Being confined to a booth with each other left them both giddy, hyper, nearly drunk on each other. They held hands across the table and stared at each other like being in a cheap diner waiting for toast and omelets and drinking shitty tea was the most romantic thing in the world. They played footsie, smirking at each other and trying not to laugh or make funny noises when they touched one another’s legs under the table.

  Levi trapped Eren’s foot between his own, narrowed his eyes at him, daring him to get it free.

  Eren made a goofy face, trying to make Levi laugh so the tight grip would loosen up as he clumsily attempted to move his leg. He was unsuccessful, and Levi looked at him devilishly as Eren’s eyes teared up in his attempt to suppress the laughter brewing in his chest. His stomach was tensing, trying to hold it in while he twisted as nonchalantly as possible in his seat in his bid to get free.

  When the waitress set their plates down, Eren was shaking trying to hold it in, looked anywhere but at the server’s face or Levi’s. He was going to lose it if he looked at either of them now.

  “Stop,” Eren ground out as she left, looking at Levi, trying so hard to seem serious even as a smirk was riding up his cheeks.

  Levi’s feet loosened, but he didn’t move them away. “Better?”

  “Yeah,” Eren said, almost laughed again.

  “Good, now behave yourself and eat your omelet.”  

  Eren made weird faces at Levi between bites, while Levi tried not to laugh no matter how much being mature didn’t appear to matter to him. It didn’t work, the pent up laughs eventually came spilling out, and Levi ended up banging his knee hard against the underside of the table when he couldn’t stop himself anymore.

  Eren almost snorted when the other patrons turned to look at them, some disapproving of their childishness, others glancing almost bored before their gazes quickly returned to their bacon or pancakes. He looked around, feigning an attempt at being inconspicuous before he stretched out his arm beneath the table and rubbed Levi’s knee, scrubbing away the pain.

  “I could kiss it for you,” Eren said trying to keep a straight face.

  “When we get home,” Levi said, and his eyebrow arched in a way that made Eren’s skin burn up.

  ‘ _Home,'_ Eren liked how Levi called it that, how he didn’t say, ‘my apartment.’  He smiled, then got horribly sentimental before he changed the subject.

  “Okay, but we really have to behave at the clinic at least,” Eren said, tried to keep his face stern, cheeks hurting from repressing a smirk.

  “I can’t make any promises,” Levi drawled. “There are bowls of condoms and lube, I’m not sure how they expect behavior in that environment.”

  “We can try,” Eren said, putting on his best adult face and failing miserably. This was the first time he and Levi had gone anywhere in public since they began dating, and he was on a high, couldn’t control how gleeful he was. He couldn’t stop snickering when the waitress brought the check because Levi was trapping his foot under the table again, looking at him all intense while Eren was trying not to laugh.

  The lightheartedness dropped away when the server walked away, and Levi still persisted, holding his foot captive, gazing at him. That expression always made Eren shaky, how Levi looked so adoring again as if he fancied Eren more than anything else in the universe. The pitiless flutter returned, the pleasantly bothersome one that made Eren feel like something was flying around inside him trying to escape.

  He smiled although he knew that he was laid out bare, sipped his tea and averted his eyes with a stupid grin on his face.

  “You’re adorable,” Levi said.

  “Shut the fuck up,” Eren countered using the line Levi always used on him, got up, and moved to sit down next to Levi and give him a kiss. Soothed the phantom sting of words that didn't actually sting, just like Levi always did.

  “Ready to get out of here? “Levi asked as he put his hand in Eren’s.

  “I doubt I need more caffeine,” Eren said, but didn’t make a move to get up, only cocked his head toward Levi and shook out his hands. “What are they going to do at the clinic? For the testing, I mean?”

  “Take an MRI of your dick, probably shove some kind of huge medical probe up your ass,” Levi smirked, glanced sidelong at Eren from under his bangs.

  Eren covered his mouth and laughed, tried not to be too loud. It made some of his nervousness dissipate, but he still wanted a straight answer. “Seriously though…”

  “They swab your mouth. If you want to be tested for everything, they’ll take your blood and make you piss in a cup. So be sure your aim is true, Brat.”

  “That’s it?” Eren asked surprised.

  “Yeah. Then some asshole will probably give you a talking-to about safe sex, ask you if you prefer being fucked by my index or middle finger. Standard stuff,” Levi shrugged.

  “Jesus,” Eren whispered, buried his face in his hands.

“They’ll talk your ear off if you let them because you’re in a higher risk category.” Levi put his fingers up and made air quotes. “If we’re good boys for the blood test they might even give us glow in the dark condoms and flavored ones too!”

  Eren felt his cheeks get all hot when he put his head up and noticed the lady at the next table over staring at them, though he wasn't surprised by Levi’s foul mouth. Levi wasn't really one to put away his sarcasm and stop being crass no matter where he was. Eren wouldn't complain about it though, wouldn't change it if he could. It was something that he liked about Levi from the beginning, and he’d take the good with the downright embarrassing.

 

XxXxX

 

  A few inaccurate pokes of a needle to Eren’s vein, and a grocery trip later the two finally returned to the bar. Levi hadn’t been joking, and Eren’s pockets were stuffed full of ridiculous condoms he was confident he and Levi would never use. Not to mention the mountain of pamphlets the guy who gave him his available results had insisted he take.

  It had taken a couple hours, but it was worth it. At least he and Levi knew they were clear of the most vicious of possible STIs, and the rest of their test results would be back within a week.

  The only burden that still remained was the lack of response from Eren’s landlord. He’d kept his phone turned up throughout the day, changed the ring to the loudest one possible while he worked a few hours after they’d gotten back, helping Levi with inventory.

  Now he was beginning to get anxious about it again, noticed Hanji glance at him from across the bar and come trotting over like they always did when they knew something was bothering him.

  “What’s got you down, Kiddo?” Hanji asked, poked Eren’s forearm and took the seat next to him. “You and Levi went and did the thing, you should be in a good mood.”

  Eren looked at Hanji, eyes widening in surprise before they narrowed. “How do you know? Did Levi tell you?”

  Hanji smirked, nodded their head toward the corner of the counter near Eren’s usual seat. “You have glow in the dark condoms. I don’t know why the clinic insists on giving those away.”

  “Oh! Well, they were annoying me stuffed in my pockets. They gave me like twenty of them.” Leaving them on the bar was probably the stupidest place he could have put them, but it was still closed, and only the employees were there. He should have known better.

  “Just down about the apartment then?” Hanji asked, going back to the subject at hand.

  “I suppose. I was hoping I’d at least hear back something today,” Eren said. “Other than that, I’m doing great. I just don’t like it up in the air.”

  Hanji smiled, looked all dreamy for a moment. “But you get to stay with Levi, and that’s good for both of you.”

  “I’m going to get too used to it,” Eren confessed. He knew he was, knew that going back to his apartment after however long he crashed at Levi’s was going to make being home suck about one hundred times more than it already did. He knew it was a trap that his head and his heart would get stuck in, suspected it would be the same for Levi too.

  Their relationship was spiraling down on a quick descent into something wholly deeper than just casual dating, fast. Eren recognized it. There was a part of him that refused to believe it because it was still hard to accept someone could be that interested in him so quickly, but he knew. He could see the way Levi looked at him, it was the same way he looked at Levi.

  It was scary, made him startle himself sometimes when he’d think of the future, one he saw Levi in no matter how far ahead he gazed. Even now he was daydreaming about it, while Hanji was trying to get his attention.

  “Eren…” Hanji said, drew out the last syllable of his name.

  “Yeah?” Eren said, turned to face Hanji again, saw Levi at the end of the bar, caught him looking.

  “Do me a teeny tiny favor, Eren?” Hanji asked.

  “Sure, anything,” Eren said, smiled at Levi still watching him, and looked back at Hanji.

  “When you finally realize you’re falling in love with him, tell him. Don’t get scared and keep it to yourself?” The smile dropped, and Eren saw a look soberer on Hanji’s face than he’d seen before. He didn’t know how to respond, his palms itched, began to get clammy, and something in his chest dropped into his stomach while his heart did gymnastics at the same time.

   Eren sputtered as he attempted to talk, wasn’t even sure if he should say anything back. His immediate thought was to deny anything of the sort, he’d known Levi for a little over a month, he couldn’t possibly be falling in love with him already. He knew what Hanji was implying, suggesting it was already happening and he didn’t know it yet.

  The assertion made that fucking fluttering come back harder than it had even when he’d tried to kiss Levi for the first time. He was lightheaded, felt like all the blood was running down to his feet.

  He decided to ignore that entire part of the conversation, he didn’t know if he was falling in love, he never had before. The idea was terrifying, and he figured Levi would be the first one to say it if it happened.

  “Y- you make him sound so vulnerable or something.” Eren finally managed, suddenly feeling defensive, and he understood now why Levi was always playfully telling Hanji to ‘fuck off.'

  “He is,” Hanji whispered. “You might think that given the age difference and your lack of experience with relationships that you’d be the more vulnerable of the two of you, but you’re not.”

  “He seems like he has a better handle on things than me. Like he knows what he’s doing,” Eren countered. If Levi didn’t, where the hell did that leave the two of them? Two idiots floating around trying to figure it all out.

  “He does in a way. That you’re right about,” Hanji revealed. “He’d chew me out for ‘interfering’ if he knew what I was saying, but just keep in mind, he has a fragile heart, Eren.”

  “I’m not going to hurt him, Hanji,” Eren sighed, took a deep breath as he prepared to confess something he hadn't even shared with Armin. Something he had only began to realize. “I can't really picture myself without him anymore.”

  “And you’re afraid.”

  “I don’t know,” Eren said. “Not _afraid_ , I don’t think.”

  “You look like you are,” Hanji said. “I can see it when you look at Levi. Adoring, and smitten, but there’s always fear behind your eyes.”

  “Because everything I love dies or leaves.” Eren couldn’t believe he said it. His deep-seated fear, that feeling that anything he cared about was going to be ripped away from him painfully acknowledged because he had finally revealed it to another soul.

  Hanji was quiet, let Eren have a minute to collect himself before they replied. “It doesn’t mean it will always be that way.”

  “I know,” Eren said. “Sometimes it’s hard to get past shitty things like that.”

  “Another reason why I believe you two are perfect for each other,” Hanji explained, then shut their mouth up tight as Levi began to approach.

  Eren watched Levi as he walked down to where he and Hanji were sitting, felt like they were about to be found out with the way Levi’s brow was raised.

  “What's so interesting?” Levi asked, leaned on the bar and started toying with Eren’s hand.

  “Glow in the dark condoms!” Hanji practically yelled.

  The look on Levi’s face didn’t lend Eren any hope that Levi believed Hanji.

  “That so?” Levi asked, smiled that little smile that he smiled only for Eren while he looked at him. “I have a few more things to take care of down here, then I’ll make us dinner.”

  Eren studied Levi trying to figure out if he knew, and if he did if he would be mad. He was aware that if Levi asked he was going to spill it all. He wouldn’t be able to keep a poker face, Levi would see right through it, and he’d sing like a criminal at an interrogation.

  “You think you can keep everything under control down here tonight, Hanji?” Levi asked.

  “Absolutely,” Hanji said, put their fist over their heart, giving Levi some weird-ass mock salute.

  Eren felt like there was more to this entire exchange, but he didn’t want to ask about it, wasn’t going to test his luck out after Levi hadn’t investigated any further about their conversation.

  “Let me make dinner,” Eren blurted out, felt compelled to cut through the awkward exchange that he wasn’t quite getting the gist of.

  It was really the least he could do since Levi was buttoning things up for the night in the bar, and Eren was staying with him for free, eating his food, sleeping in his bed, and getting a ride to school in the morning.

  “You can cook?” Levi asked, looked at him in a way that made Eren blush with Hanji sitting right there.

  “Sort of,” Eren said. His voice went quiet, and he rubbed the back of his neck, immediately felt like he had gotten himself in over his head. If he really fucked it up, he had money that he’d earned helping Levi and could order a pizza.

  “It’s been a while,” Eren added, and rubbed his hands together before he continued, “but I do remember some of my mom’s recipes.”

  “Perfect,” Levi said, came around the bar and tugged Eren up out of his seat. “Make whatever you want, I’ll show you where everything is.”

  Eren turned to Hanji and waved, looked at them totally overwhelmed before Levi was leading him up the stairs and opening the door to the apartment.

  Once they were inside, Levi was showing him the contents of cupboards, pointing to every ingredient imaginable, telling Eren what shelves in the refrigerator held what he would need. Eren was a little overwhelmed by it all, but Levi seemed so excited.

  There was a sense of relief that Levi liked the idea, but it was tinged with a feeling that there was no way Eren was going to meet his expectations.

  “What’s wrong, Brat?” Levi asked, stopped mid-sentence, cut himself off after babbling about fresh tarragon and basil on the top shelf.

  “I usually eat ramen for dinner, I’m not sure I’ll need all that stuff. I don’t know what half of it even is.” Eren felt so stupid again, foolish and young.

  Levi closed the cupboard, moved over to Eren and took his face gently between his hands. “I don’t care what you make, I only care that _you_ made it, Brat.”

  “You sure?” Eren asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Even if it was butternut squash ravioli?” Eren asked, trying not to smile.

  “Tch, even that shit.” 

  Eren was definitely going to get used to this, used to making dinner, used to being in Levi’s bed, probably as much as he was already used to that affectionate pet name.


	8. Chapter 8

  After five more nights at Levi’s, Eren was sure he didn't ever want to leave. The feeling had come on while laying in bed with Levi on the second evening when he got real comfortable after making dinner for Levi and having someone to hold onto at night.

  Levi hadn't cared that Eren had made spaghetti from a box, that he found a jar of sauce in the cupboard and had only doctored it up with some of the basil Levi showed him and fresh garlic. He’d eaten it looking sweet and appreciative, as if Eren had made him a four-course dinner, cuddled him on the couch afterward like he found Eren to be the most precious person in the world.

  It had been like that every night since. Even during the evenings that Eren had to study and do schoolwork, Levi had pulled Eren to lean against him or found a little spot to nuzzle his way into. He’d been quiet, hadn't disrupted Eren while he worked, played music and sat there with him in a way that should have felt like too soon to be that comfortable in silence.

  The rains had stopped the day before, and some asshole who worked for the landlord had finally called Eren about coming by to assess the damage and fix the leak the next day. Eren felt a jumble of things. He was relieved the leak might be fixed, though disappointed at the prospect of being back in his apartment.

  There was a question in Eren’s mind, stupid as it felt, he couldn't come up with an answer. Why should he go back home tonight? Why should he and Levi part and sleep alone when they didn't have to?

  It wasn't fair to expect more, expect to basically move into Levi’s apartment, but Eren had stumbled into this predicament by circumstance. It didn't help that Levi seemed like he was in no hurry to get Eren out of there either. There was also the fact that Eren had paid rent for his apartment, and coming up with the money hadn’t always been easy for him. He’d struggled each month, scrimped and saved, so he didn’t have to live in a shitty area. It would be stupid to leave something he worked so hard for.

  He’d seen the aftermath of fast relationships that failed, watched kids in his school battered by the deluge of loss when they’d been dumped. He didn't want the same to happen to him, and there was still that fear that Levi might tire of him, might decide he didn't want to date a teenager.

  He was definitely going back to his apartment tonight. He could stay at Levi’s on the weekends if he asked him to, but during the week he needed to be independent. He needed to just be Eren, not half of ‘Eren & Levi.’ In the long run, their relationship would be better for it.

  “What time is this guy supposed to meet you, again?” Levi asked.

  “Ten o’clock.”

  Eren was tense, not only because he didn't know what they were going to say, but because of the cleaning, and because he hated it at his house.

  Some of the tension seeped away when Levi moved forward, set his teacup down on the table and stretched out next to Eren on the couch.

  His head was resting in Eren’s lap, and Eren’s fingers found their way into Levi’s hair.

  “There’s going to be a lot to clean,” Eren sighed.

  “Those jackasses should be paying a company to do it, but I wouldn't count on it.”

  “I want the smell gone.”

  “Don't worry about it. If I can keep the bar in order, I can get your apartment cleaned.”

  Levi had gathered up extra cleaning supplies from the bar’s utility room a few days before, insisting anything he used there would be better than what they could buy in the store. At first, Eren had felt guilty about Levi helping him clean, but as the rains continued and the days went on, the wet moldy spot on the ceiling had grown, and by yesterday when they went to check on the apartment, it was simply overwhelming. Eren didn't have the first clue of how to start cleaning any of it.

  “Thanks,” Eren said, smirked down at Levi scowling.

  “Eren,” Levi scolded, drew out the last syllable of his name.

  “C’mon, you have to let me say it once in a while.”

  “You can tell Hanji ‘thank you.’ They’re coming along to help.”

  Eren leaned down, tightened his fingers in Levi’s hair, pressed his lips gently against Levi’s. He didn't have his family or his friends around anymore, but he was acquiring a new family. Not that he was replacing anyone, but it made his chest get warm and tighten up a little with affection when he thought of Levi and Hanji and all the other people from the bar. He didn't feel so alone anymore.

  “You can say it once a month, Brat,” Levi mumbled into Eren’s mouth. “And on your birthday and Christmas.”

  Eren pulled back a couple inches, looked at Levi and grinned. “That’s fourteen times a year. If I get to do it for seventy years, that’s almost a thousand times.”

  Levi closed his eyes, wrapped his arms around Eren, and buried his face against his stomach. “Seventy years? You plan on sticking around that long?”

  “Maybe,” Eren whispered, brushed his lips across Levi’s cheek. “Unless you get sick of me.”

  “As if,” Levi laughed. “Still awful at reading signals, I see.” 

  “I’ll get better at it.”

  “I hope it doesn’t take you seventy years,” Levi breathed, pulled his arms tighter around Eren. “And you have to fall in love with me first.”

  Eren felt the breath he was taking stop midway in his chest. He didn’t know what falling in love felt like, wasn't sure if that was what this was. He didn't want to say it if it wasn't true, but he thought maybe it was. As if it was starting. He pictured it like falling through the sky or the heavens, surrounded by stars, not frightening though, not like he’d fall and die. More like he would fall and fall and fall, and something would catch him, and when it did, it would be like an epiphany, and he’d just know.

  He tugged on Levi’s hair, made him turn his head, so he was looking up at him, and just looked. Like maybe the answer would be in Levi’s eyes. There was that devoted expression that made his chest fucking hurt, the one that made his heart get all fluttery and made him want to cry. No one had ever looked at him like that before Levi, and he couldn't stare back at him anymore.

  It meant so much when the mask dropped but was so overwhelming too. Eren closed the distance, kissed Levi again. It stopped him from having to hold his gaze, but what he had just been thinking about made him feel compelled to do it even more so, almost as if this kiss would tell him if he was falling or not.

  There was a dull thud that didn't register completely, and Eren ignored it. Only flicked his tongue deeper into Levi’s mouth, swallowed the gasp when he pulled a little tighter on Levi’s hair, oblivious to the sound of footsteps in the apartment.

  “You two are the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen.”

  He knew it was Hanji. Still, Eren tried to pull away, but Levi had his lip between his teeth, didn't let go right away, then pressed one last kiss to Eren’s mouth before he sat up and glared at Hanji. “Oi Shitty Glasses, don’t you even knock?”

  Hanji frowned, stood in the kitchen, so obvious they were trying not to laugh. “When have I ever knocked?”

  “When have I ever had a boyfriend?” Levi asked. “Like a serious one, that I would bring home in the last decade?”

  “Oh…” Hanji clapped their hands together and cocked their head to the side with a sigh. “I’m sorry, I’ll knock from now on.”

  “Or at least knock before you walk in,” Levi said and stood up. “Actually, scratch that, knock and wait for an answer.”

  “I can do that.” Hanji looked between the two of them, and grinned before they squealed, “You two do look adorable together though.”

  “Fuck off,” Levi grumbled.

  “I’m never going to get over it,” Hanji admitted, and Eren laughed. Having someone’s approval was enough to make Eren not care about the intrusion.

  “Good. If we ever get married you can give me away,” Levi smirked then glanced at Eren.

  Eren blushed, could feel his cheeks heating up and his stomach felt like it flipped inside of him. He didn’t have time to feel too weird about it all because Hanji was immediately talking all loud and excited. Leaning over the kitchen counter toward Levi with a giant grin on their face.

  “Seriously?” Hanji squeaked and looked at Eren.

  “Whatever the blushing bride wants,” Eren joked.

  “I want a veil,” Levi smirked. “A black one, and a garter belt. I’m not wearing a dress though.”

  “That’ll make it hard to get the garter belt off,” Eren said, smiled through the blush. Couldn’t believe he was saying it.

  “I’m sure you’ll think of something.” Levi was blushing now too, and Eren cleared his throat and stood up.

  “We should get going if we’re going to meet this douche-canoe by ten,” Levi said, and Eren was thankful for the change in subject.

  On the way over to the apartment, Eren found himself surprisingly numb to the prospect of dealing with the leak. Instead, he was focused on the conversations that morning. Something was shifting inside of him.

  He wasn't completely embarrassed by what had been said. It was only odd to joke about weddings given their conversation before Hanji showed up. He wasn’t upset by that either. If it were anyone else who barged in or said those things, then he would have been bashful, but something about Levi’s quirky best friend screeching about how cute they were and catching them kissing didn’t bother him.

  He only hoped when his friends returned for the summer that they’d be as excited for them as Hanji, or at least even half as enthusiastic.

  The moment of happiness was short-lived. When they entered his building, Eren was sure he could smell the mold as they walked up the stairs to his apartment. He knew it was probably in his mind, but having Hanji there didn’t help him quash the fear that it was real and not his imagination.

  Hanji was caring, seemed totally invested in both Levi and Eren’s well-being now, but they hadn’t been up there before, and it was still hard enough when it was only he and Levi.

  When they got to the door, Eren looked at his phone. 9:53 read the time. He saw Levi look at him questioningly, felt Hanji crowd up behind him, stuck the key in the lock, and gently kicked the door open after he turned the handle.

  “This apartment is so much better than what Levi and I shared when we were your age,” Hanji practically screamed as they pushed past Eren and ran into the middle of the living room.

  “Seriously?” Eren stammered.

  The smile that threatened to rise up was pushed back down when he looked at the blob on the ceiling.

  “You didn’t believe me?” Levi asked, surveyed the room, looked at the moldy spot Eren was glaring at.

  “I guess I did, but I wish this were better.”

  “They aren’t lying. We lived in a place ten times worse when we were your age.” Levi reached his hand up to the back of Eren’s neck and massaged. “Stop worrying.”

  After bringing up everything from Levi’s car, they divided up the jobs, Levi taking the lead as he always did when cleaning was the objective. He worked on the ceiling and cabinets, while Eren tried to knock the horrid scent of mildew out of the carpet and Hanji followed behind both of them, wiping up stray cleaner and bits of plaster that fell in the wake of Levi’s scrubbing.

  They played music from Levi’s phone, falling into some kind of synchronization while waiting for the fabled ten o’clock landlord to appear. As the time wore on, Eren's stomach hurt more, and he wasn’t sure if it was the anticipation of having to speak with the landlord or the shitty air quality.

  There were sounds heard from up above. Apparently, people fixing the roof, but no one came to the apartment until well into the afternoon, when there was a barely audible knock at the door.

  Eren stood up, pulled down the bandana Levi insisted he wore from around his mouth.

  When Eren swung the door open, a fat man stood waiting, rubbing his hands and looking annoyed. Eren didn’t recognize him, assumed he was Bart, the owner of the building.

  His suit looked fancy but seemed cheap upon further inspection, a thick gold chain hung from his neck, seeming to stereotypically signify his ‘wealth.' The crappy cologne he wore choked Eren, and he put his hand over his mouth, hoping the man would think it was due to the mold.

  The man looked like he had walked off the set of any number of films that portrayed the ‘connected’ hood rat, and Eren fought to stop himself from gawking. He only wanted his apartment fixed and hoped he wasn’t offending him.

  “Eren Yeager?” The man inquired as he stepped into the apartment, cheap pleather shoes creaking with each step.

  “Yeah,” Eren said, hating how meek he sounded.

  “I’m Bart, the owner, and landlord of this building,” the portly man said as he ran his hands down his round stomach and surveyed the living room. “I heard you had a leak. It should be taken care of.”

  “What about…” Eren faltered for a second, he wasn’t great with this kind of interaction. “…the ceiling?”

  “What about it?” Bart said, his voice rising almost mockingly.

  Eren felt his entire body tighten up, back trying to decide if it should slump forward or stand up straight as a mast.

  “It’s a mess,” Hanji said as they stepped out from the kitchen, and Eren was so grateful.

  “I’ve only been told about a roof leak,” Bart said. “I wouldn’t even be here if I hadn’t heard you called several times.”

  Eren’s stomach bottomed out. He had waited almost a week, a whole fucking week for anything to be done and now the landlord was playing coy about any other problems the roof leak had caused.

  “How about you fix it, swine,” Levi said.

  Eren’s head whipped around. He watched Levi move to the entrance of the kitchen and lean against the wall.

  There was something in Levi’s eyes, something that made Eren want to ask him to stop and continue all at once.

  “Levi Ackerman,” the landlord scoffed. “Why the hell are _you_ here?”

  “He’s my boyfriend,” Eren revealed, suddenly feeling defensive. “What’s it to you?”

  It was probably the dumbest thing to say to this man, but Eren couldn’t help it.

  Bart laughed, looked between Eren and Levi, sneered, and Eren felt his knuckles crack as his right hand balled into a fist.

  “Nothing, I didn’t know he’d retired from outright thuggery to corrupting supple young college boys.”

  “Better than being a slumlord,” Levi drawled. “You still have that deal going for struggling young mothers? A week’s free rent for a blowjob.”

  “I bet you give a good one,” Bart retaliated.

  “’Awe-inspiring’ would be a better adjective to describe my blowjobs,” Levi smirked.

  “Fucking fairy,” Bart spat.

 Eren stepped toward Bart, not to hit him, he was holding back. He didn’t know his history with Levi, but he was going to get in this douche bag's face regardless. There was a hand on his shoulder, and he turned his head expecting to see Levi. Instead, it was Hanji. Levi was still leaning against the wall looking bored, maybe slightly amused by the exchange.

  “Enough of this bullshit!” Hanji growled as they grabbed a handful of Bart’s shirt and shoved him roughly against the wall. “Is this crap going to get fixed or not?”

  “The leak _is_ fixed,” Bart squealed as he raised his hands in mock submission.

  Hanji banged him against the wall again as they let go of his shirt, and moved to stand between him and Eren.

 “What about the mold that’s all over the ceiling and the cabinets?” Eren asked, no longer keeping his voice steady and calm. “You can’t leave it like that!”

  “I can have it repaired in the next few weeks, maybe.”

  “Or maybe, I could fuck you gently with a chainsaw,” Levi interjected, narrowing his eyes dangerously at Bart.

  “You’d enjoy that, fruit,” Bart said. “I always told Kenny he should beat that out of you… probably doesn’t work on the son of a whore.”

  “Tch, creative. Do you think you're the first person to call my mother a whore or call me a fruit?” Levi hedged. “More importantly, do you think I give a fuck?”

  Eren only looked between Levi, Hanji, and Bart, waiting for someone to say something before his gaze settled back on Hanji. He was certain he couldn't stop Levi if he decided to haul off and hit the landlord, he only hoped Hanji knew better than he how to keep that from happening.

  “It will be fixed when it’s fixed, be happy I’m not evicting you,” Bart yelled at Eren before stomping out of the apartment and closing the door with a slam.

  Eren’s stomach twisted in knots as he listened to the heavy footfalls grow fainter, wondered what it would sound like if Bart conveniently fell down the stairs. He didn't want to lose his apartment, but the urge to follow, maybe kick his feet out from under him was roiling beneath the surface. It frustrated him, he hated when he got this angry and couldn't act on impulse.

  “Oi Eren,” Levi called. “Calm down.”

  “What a fucking tool,” Hanji said.

  “He’s not going to do shit, you watch.” Levi ran his hands through his bangs, tugged them a little, looked up at the ceiling. “I’m sorry, that guy… I just fucking hate him. I should have shut up.”

  “No, no. That guy _is_ a dick,” Eren countered. “Maybe I should look for another apartment.”

  It was probably a stupid idea, the chances that he’d find anything decent were slim, but it wouldn’t hurt to search, and if he was going to be stuck living among mold, he really didn’t have a choice.

  “Might as well,” Hanji said.

  “We’ve done all we can do here today.” Levi moved toward Eren, he was stiff. Eren noticed how his shoulders were set like they were holding up an invisible weight.

  Eren had built up this moment in his mind for days. He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, put his arms around Levi, didn't say thank you. “I have to work on my paper.”

  “Are you sure you’re going to be all right here tonight?” Levi asked, sounded like he wouldn't believe Eren if he said yes.

  Eren wasn't worried about himself being all right, he was concerned about Levi, yet knew he shouldn't ask, and it dawned on him that he didn't need to. Levi would bark at him if he did, get defensive, but he’d read between the lines. He understood exactly why Levi was asking.

  “Maybe we should spend another day cleaning first.” It was a mumble against the side of Levi’s head, whispered into his hair, and Eren felt arms tighten around him before they were gone.

  “Then get your shit together.”

  It was still _together_ , he hadn't unpacked anything, hadn’t even put his bags in his room, only left them near the doorway when they’d arrived. There was a convenience to that, one that wasn't consciously planned, but Eren couldn't shake the feeling that there was more to it than pure happenstance.

  It was something he thought about on the way back to Levi’s. He knew he was being quiet, reflective, maybe everyone in the car was, even the usually animated, Hanji.

  They’d only gone to the apartment, cleaned it and gotten mouthy with the landlord, but if the tension in his muscles were anything to go by, it would be easy to see something had changed. Perhaps not changed, but moved between all of them.

  It was like being a piece shifted around on a chess board, or perhaps like a leaf blowing through the seasons. None of it was wrong or contrary, but there was a weight to the whole day that Eren felt with every fiber of his being.

  The feeling lingered still when they entered the bar, and Eren and Levi abandoned Hanji below to return to the apartment. Hanji had seen them both off with that weird-ass salute to Levi and some kind of nod to Eren before promising they would handle everything for opening.

  Eren had never been a fan of silence, especially the kind he didn't quite understand. It made him want to flee. Made him relieved that he had to bring his bags up to the loft when he and Levi walked into the apartment and Levi only leaned against the counter in the kitchen, far too quiet and nothing near the man he usually interacted with.

  When Eren got back downstairs, Levi was staring at nothing, looking down carefully into the granite counter top. Though their eyes met when Eren sat down on the couch, Levi’s smile was faint, wickedly sad if Eren needed to find a way to describe it. It was far too contemplative.

  Eren rubbed his hands together, averted his eyes. Had he done something wrong? Should he have tried to comfort Levi, or ask him how he knew Bart? Levi didn’t seem angry with him, but he was so, so heavy, and so severe. Reflective perhaps. Eren didn’t know what to do. He wet his lips, bit the bottom one real fucking hard, as hard as he could stand without drawing blood.

  “Levi…”

  He waited for a response. Maybe it wouldn’t come with words, but he watched him for any little change, even a flick of the eyes, a twitch in his face.

  “It’s not some big secret, you know,” Levi murmured before he finally looked at Eren. “But, I didn't want you to find out _that_ way.”

  “Find out what?” Eren asked, grateful that Levi said _something_.

  “The shit about my mother.”

  “Oh,” Eren said. “I didn't think he meant it literally.”

  “He did,” Levi admitted. “She didn't even know who my father was. One of her customers.”

  Christ, this was more than Eren had expected, he hadn’t thought it was the truth, just some name calling.

  “I don't care, Levi,” Eren said. He didn't know what to say or what to do. Levi had never opened up like this before. The day had made him feel as if he’d walked into some kind of an alternate reality. Levi talking about his past, maybe talking about how he felt. It was so strange, he _never_ did that unless it was about Eren, and Eren wanted him to say more, but he wasn't sure how to handle it, or how to not say the wrong thing.

  “She wasn't a bad person or a bad mother,” Levi whispered. He looked breakable for a moment, then hard again.

  “I’m sure she wasn't.” Eren looked up, watched Levi tracing imaginary shapes against the counter top with his fingertips.

  “The other stuff is true too,” Levi said. “I used to be a criminal, I guess. I didn't hurt anyone or anything like that. I mean, I’ve hurt people, but only when it was necessary. Mostly defense. Kenny pretty much threw me out on the street when I was thirteen, though he never did try to beat the gay out of me like Bart suggested. He was a scumbag, but not _that_ kind of scumbag. I didn't have many options. When your choice is getting paid to be some pervert’s plaything or being a runner for drug dealers, I think you can see why I chose the latter.”

  “I don't care about that either.” Eren wanted to move from the couch and hold Levi. This was all so shitty, and he was so not, and he deserved some kind of comfort. Eren was trepidatious though. Levi was extremely closed off when it came to his past, was in general, and without ever being told, Eren knew there was a line that Levi would have to allow him over. To cross it without permission or invitation would be some kind of violation.

  “I don't care that he said all that, Eren. It doesn't hurt me, but I didn't know what you’d think.” Levi looked at Eren, and it was almost like there was a challenge in his gaze and a concession. He’d prepared himself for rejection, Eren could see it, and his heart felt like someone stabbed it in sympathy.

  “I don't think less of you…” Eren had whispered before his voice raised an octave, “…is that what you were expecting?”

  “I’m not sure what I was expecting,” Levi admitted. He was so quiet, and he looked liked he was prepared for Eren to destroy him. “Not that you would think less of me, but maybe… you’re not into damaged goods. Damaged goods can be fun for a while, but no one wants to grow old with them.”

  “Shut the fuck up,” Eren demanded angrily. His legs didn't want to move, felt like they weighed about five hundred pounds, but he took a deep breath, walked through molasses to come and stand in front of Levi, reached his hand out tentatively.

  Levi hated feeling like this, these conversations, Eren could tell, but he skimmed his fingers up along his neck, scratched through stubble on the back of Levi’s head, looked at him no matter how difficult it was. “Whether you’re damaged or not, I think you're perfect.”

  Eren stared down at Levi, not sure if he wanted to strike him or kiss him.

  “Sentimental fucking brat,” Levi smirked, the usual Levi returning.

  “Maybe no one wants to grow old with a sentimental fucking brat,” Eren retaliated.

  “Now you're the one who should shut the fuck up.”

  The way Levi smashed himself up against Eren and took his lips nearly knocked Eren on his ass. Levi was practically crawling up him, ravaging his mouth. Edged him back toward the couch until Eren’s legs hit it, and they toppled over.

  Levi pulled back, straddling Eren, looked down at him; pupils blown so wide they were almost all fucking black.

  “I wish to fuck I could have you right now,” Levi groaned, ran his hands up Eren’s stomach and chest, and for once Eren wasn't the one who looked like they were about to cry.

  “Levi… I think-“

  He wasn't sure what he was about to say, but Levi’s mouth cut him off. Whatever it was only settled in the center of his chest. Stayed there, then found its home while they kissed. Dug itself in a little deeper when Levi practically tore all their clothes off, spread through his limbs as they moved against each other, seared itself into him when fingers found their way inside his body. Finally pulled itself back to the surface when he came, shuddering beneath Levi.

  It was only when they lay there naked and quiet, breaths evening out, nearly moving in sync, that Eren understood what it was.

  He understood, and his heart hammered with the revelation. Eren was fucking flying because at once, it was both the scariest and most wondrous thing he had ever felt.


	9. Chapter 9

  Almost a month of that gnawing feeling from three little words stuck right in the middle of Eren’s chest. Why was it so hard to say? What if he said it and Levi didn't say it back or thought he was going too fast? What if he made it awkward and destroyed it all? He’d spent such a long time alone, if he screwed up his relationship, he’d have no one again, and worst of all, he’d lose the best thing he’d ever had in his life.

  He let the penny fall from between his fingers again, watched it drop, picked it up and then let it slip from his hand once more. Maybe he wouldn't ever hit anything the way that coin kept clanking onto the top of the bar. Maybe there was no end, no defining moment when he’d smash into realization like he’d originally thought.

  He was falling, he knew that now, had been for probably longer than he believed, but Eren wasn't sure when he’d cross from falling in love to _being_ in love, or if there was any difference in the first place. It was the main reason he hadn't attempted to tell Levi yet, and he knew he was probably over thinking it. Using his head too much to consider something he should leave to his heart.

  His palms were already sweaty, as they were wont to do in Levi’s presence the last month. Just looking at him now caused those damnable butterflies in his chest return with a vigor far more intense than what it had been in the beginning. It didn’t help that over the last few days his mind had been preoccupied with other things he was considering, like actually sleeping with Levi for the first time.

  Eren groaned quietly at the thought, rubbed his hand across his face, cradled his cheek in his hand and tried to breathe through the jump in his chest and the spasms in his back. He could try talking to Hanji again, they would listen to him, give him advice, but when he pictured the conversation, it all sounded so stupid. Asking Hanji if there was a difference between falling in love and actually loving someone. Hanji had advised him not to hold back on it when he realized, but how could he tell Levi when he wasn't entirely sure how it all worked? When he couldn’t put a name to his feelings?

  Even the angst he was currently experiencing didn't give him a clear answer.

  He looked across the bar for probably the fiftieth time, watched Levi talking to the tall blonde. Eren wasn't sure who he was, noticed he had really thick eyebrows when their eyes met. Levi didn't have customers at this time of day, and they apparently knew each other. Eyebrows Guy sure seemed to smile at Levi a lot too, and Eren wasn't sure if he liked that very much.

  He shook his head, feeling like he was being foolish and tried to shuck it off. Levi adored him, and this man was probably a friend. Still, watching the exchange made Eren wish he’d already said what he was thinking of saying. There was a selfish childishness in that regret, he knew that, but it didn't stop his fingers from tensing around the papers he held in his hand, nor the need to watch Eyebrows Guy from the corner of his eye.

  He had good news that he wanted to share with Levi, yet it caused the immature desire for Levi’s undivided attention to begin brewing beneath the surface, and Eren was so angry with himself for it.

  Wanting to say what he had been considering saying for a month just because of this man and that needling jealousy was a terrible motivation. Eren knew that, even so, his hackles were up, and the realization didn't help stop the tightening in his jaw or how his throat constricted.

  “You’re here early,” Hanji said as they sat down next to Eren, gently elbowed him like always.

  “I didn't have much to do today other than Skyping with Armin,” Eren revealed, tried not to glare at Eyebrows Guy or grind his teeth too hard before he continued quietly brooding.

  He’d stayed overnight at his own apartment the evening before, and wanted to get to the bar earlier today because he honestly just missed Levi, but he’d been waiting for something important in the mail. To his chagrin, when he’d finally arrived, it was to find Levi talking to some huge blonde-haired man. And Levi had barely acknowledged Eren since he’d gotten there ten minutes earlier.

  He was expecting hugs and kisses, Levi possibly pulling him upstairs to sneak away for something more, not a friendly smile and wave while he chatted it up with some Goliath fair-haired smiley dude.

  Sometimes Eren could be so good at ruining his own day.

  Other than that snag, everything had been going better. Eren’s apartment, though not fully repaired, had been thoroughly cleaned thanks to Levi and Hanji's help. Eren still hated it, but he didn't spend nearly as much time there as he used to between working at the bar and hanging out with Levi. Now when he was home, it wasn’t as easy to fall into depression, and he could finally afford basic internet which made it simpler to stay in contact with his friends.

  Although, it was easy for him to occasionally find things to be upset about when there weren't any actual reasons to be. Like what he was doing now, and he decided he must have some deep psychological inclination to sabotage his own happiness with dark thoughts. He could be such a fuck up.

  “I wonder what Levi’s talking to Erwin about,” Hanji wondered, and Eren sensed they were trying to break the awkward silence.

  “That’s his name?” Eren asked, tried not to seem too interested in what was going on between them no matter how much he was.

  “Yeah. Erwin’s a friend of ours,” Hanji explained. “He’s a few years older than Levi and me. He watched out for Levi when he was a teenager.”

  “That’s it? They’re just friends?” Eren rubbed his temples, second guessed himself immediately for asking. Hanji always figured everything out, and they were going to read him like a book after that.

  “What else would they be?” Hanji asked sounding puzzled as hell, looked at Eren with that delving fucking twinkle in their eyes that they always got when they were rummaging through Eren’s mind.

  Eren didn’t look directly at Hanji. Instead, he averted his eyes, toyed with the penny still sitting before him on the top of the bar, whispered real quiet because he was almost sure he was wrong and could already feel the embarrassment creeping up. “I don't know. I thought an… maybe an ex-boyfriend or something.”

  Hanji looked at Eren, eyes going wide before they cackled almost maniacally. “Oh my god, Eren. No.”

  Eren noticed Levi and Erwin glance over at him and Hanji. Levi smiled at Eren, one of those affectionate little smirks when the left side of his mouth quirked up, and Eren felt a sickly bubble of guilt in the pit of his stomach, right in the center below his chest. He felt so foolish, he didn’t know what to say, only wanted to dig a hole and lay down in it.

  “Eren, were you getting jealous?” Hanji whispered, moved closer like they always did when Eren confided to them.

  “No!” Eren said louder than he meant to. He sure as fuck was jealous but became instantly defensive at being found out. There was no tricking Hanji either, and he could tell by the look on their face that he hadn't.

  “Erwin and Levi… that’s too funny. Back when Erwin was still single, Levi would have been a little too out there for Erwin, definitely not his kind of material. And now, well Erwin’s been with Mike for over ten years.”

  “You sure?” Eren asked. From what Levi had told him of his past, he most certainly was ‘out there’ when he was younger, so it made sense. Still, he rubbed his hands over his face, gave up any effort to cover his discomfort with Erwin’s presence. He believed Hanji, but he craved comfort, someone to tell him he was off the mark. “They seem awfully close.”

  “Well, they are, but Erwin’s seen Levi go through a lot, used to knock him back toward the straight and narrow when he’d start to go off the rails, and he made sure he was getting to school after Kenny put him on the street. Like I said, Levi definitely wasn’t Erwin’s type back then. Too much of a handful, not vanilla enough for Erwin, and besides, Levi is crazy about you, Eren.”

  He felt like such an asshole, more so because even though it had alleviated most of his fears, it hadn’t done much to stop him from feeling jealous that Levi wasn’t currently paying attention to him. He wished he’d stayed on Skype with Armin a little bit longer, instead of rushing away to the bar to tell Levi his news. If he had, he wouldn’t have seen Erwin, and Levi wouldn’t have been busy when he’d arrived.

  “Don’t tell Levi,” Eren said, put his head down on his arms, suddenly feeling incredibly small and young.

  He felt Hanji’s hand rub over his shoulder. “Don’t worry, sweetie, I won’t.”

  “I don't want to do anything that would piss him off,” Eren mumbled into his arm.

  Hanji laughed. “He wouldn't be pissed. People get jealous sometimes, and he’d probably think it was sweet, but your secret is safe with me.”

  “Thanks.”

  Eren tried to distract himself through the remainder of Levi’s conversation, but as the minutes stretched on, they felt like hours. It didn't help that his fears had been replaced mainly with a feeling of shame that he couldn’t shake, and Eren spent the rest of his time waiting while cringing at himself for what he felt had been incredibly immature of him.

  When Levi and Erwin finished their conversation and started walking toward where he and Hanji were sitting at the bar, Eren could see Levi’s eyes light up. He enjoyed those quick moments when he’d get that expression for a barely a second, and then the mask would pull back into place. It was a glimpse of the Levi that he only revealed to those extremely close to him, and Eren almost felt a sense of pride that he was one of those people. Generally, this would leave him smiling, but he had to force it, still wracked with the urge to kick himself in his own ass.

  Levi slid up next the Eren as soon as he was near enough, wrapped his arm around his waist, and the sense of warmth and fondness was accompanied by embarrassment over the jealousy he’d been feeling mere moments before.

  “This is Eren,” Levi said to Erwin, and Eren could almost feel the excitement radiating off of Levi. “Eren, this my friend Erwin. This fucker is going to help me buy the building.”

  So that’s what they’d been talking about.

  “It’s nice to finally meet you, Eren,” Erwin said, looked between Eren and Levi then practically grinned.

  “With Erwin’s help, I’ll finally be the proud owner of this shit-hole.”

  “Oh,” Eren said forgetting the disquiet inside for a moment. “You’re going to buy it, like now?”

  “I sure as fuck am.”

  “I’m sure Levi’s going to scowl at me,” Erwin said as he raised one of those thick eyebrows and looked at Eren, “but thank you for making this curmudgeon a little less grouchy.”

  “You’re welcome.” Eren smiled, but he felt like a bigger jerk than he did before. Erwin was kind to him, glad he was with Levi because he made Levi happy, and not ten minutes earlier Eren had been giving him the evil-eye from across the bar.

  “So fucking sappy,” Levi interjected, “and I’m not a _curmudgeon_. Jeez.”

  “Maybe not, but you could use more sap, Levi,” Erwin pointed out.

  “Maybe,” Levi retorted, “but you don't have to say it.”

  “Yes I do,” Erwin laughed.

  “Don’t worry, Erwin. He’s like a new man lately, all dreamy-eyed. He smiles a lot more, and he even blushes sometimes,” Hanji teased. “They’re terribly cute together, aren’t they?”

  “Okay, both of you can go choke on a dick now,” Levi groaned but tightened his arm around Eren, sort of plastered him to his side.

  Eren was blushing for Levi, as if the embarrassment was contagious, forgot for a minute how stupid he felt for getting annoyed about Erwin. He could feel Levi’s fingers tensing against his side, knew Levi was becoming a little uncomfortable, and it struck him how amazing it was that he could discern that from such a slight touch.

  “I better get going. We can iron out the details in the next few weeks,” Erwin said. “Maybe over dinner. You could bring Eren with you, and I’ll bring Mike.”

  “Of course you’d make it like some yuppie double date thing,” Levi mocked. “Do you wear an apron when you cook these days?”

  “You should know me well enough by now, Levi.” Erwin smiled, an eyebrow rising again as he turned to walk out the door.

  Levi scowled, but it was one of the affectionate scowls he so often did which had nothing to do with any real malcontent. Eren knew there was that part of Levi which had a tendency to in some fashion always reject niceness directed at him. Though, he’d allowed Eren past that barrier much of the time, especially when they were alone.

  Eren had noticed it happening more over the last two weeks. When it was only the two of them the snark would nearly disappear, sometimes they could go the whole day without Levi directing any sarcasm toward him. Eren had worked out that it wasn’t so much a defense mechanism, as it was merely Levi’s personality, but as they’d gotten closer, Levi was allowing Eren to see the private side of him. The sweet part that snuggled him and whispered endearments against his ear, that part he’d notice in typically hard grey eyes that always softened to something like a fog.

  It was the part that was on display now as Levi didn’t give Eren time to get up from his seat, only wrapped his other arm around him, buried his face in his bangs.

  Eren glanced over Levi’s shoulder, noticed Hanji depart, leaving the two them their space, gave Eren something close to a wink before they went off behind the counter to finish preparing for opening, and Eren was almost certain it meant that Hanji was aware he was planning on ratting himself out.

  “So you’re actually buying this all?” Eren murmured into Levi’s shirt.

  “Yep,” Levi said. “I’ve got nothing else to do job-wise, and I’ll make more money in the long run if it’s mine.”

  “And Erwin is just lending you the money?” Eren asked. It was sort of nosey, but something compelled him to find out every detail.

  “He is. I’d rather owe money to Erwin than take out a loan and deal with a mortgage,” Levi explained. “Erwin’s always come through when I needed a loan, and I’ve always paid him back.”

  This was good, this was in truth fantastic, and Eren got so caught up in the moment that he forgot about what he wanted to tell Levi, didn’t think about it until Levi had already led him through the bar to the stairwell.

  He didn’t want to lessen Levi’s exciting news, but Eren had important things going on as well, and he wanted to share them with Levi. He twisted the papers that were still firmly held in his hand, there was something about having his fingers wrapped around the confirmation that made it feel more real. As if nothing could take it way.

  “I have some good news too,” Eren said as he trailed Levi up the stairs and into the apartment.

  “What’s that?” Levi said as he closed the door and locked it.

  “At the end of the winter semester I applied to the state school, and got accepted, but I didn't have the money for it. I heard about a scholarship a couple months ago and applied for that too, and I got a letter today explaining I was approved. I can start there in the fall.”

  “Good job, Brat,” Levi smiled, pulled Eren into a tight hug.

  “And if I can't find an apartment, I could always live in the dorm.”

  Levi leaned back, looked at Eren and frowned before his lips pulled thin and tight. Eren could tell right away he didn't like the dorm idea, yet he didn't voice his disapproval. “Search still looking that bad?”

  “Kind of. Everything decent is too much for me, even with what I’m making here, but my apartment is gross, and that Bart asshole isn't ever going to fix it.” Eren walked over to the couch, flopped down on it, the gesture most likely appearing dramatic because Levi was beside him in a second, coaxing Eren’s head down against his shoulder.

  Living in a dorm was the absolute last place Eren wanted to be. He wasn't enthusiastic about sharing space with a stranger, and the dorms were on campus, which was a good twenty minutes drive from Levi’s. There were so many reasons not to live there, although, it would allow him to free up a lot of his finances, which given his small trust, were meager, to begin with.

  “Do you want help looking?” Levi asked. “You’ve been doing it all on your own.”

  “Sure. There’s some I can look at next week if you want to come with me.”

  Eren had been trying to do it on his own, didn’t want to burden Levi with helping him with something that should be so simple, but he knew Levi would know what to look for better than he did. He was older and had more experience dealing with shitty apartments and crappy landlords.

  “Yeah, I’ll come.” Levi brushed rebellious bangs out of Eren’s eyes.

  “Okay.”

  “Do you want to go out to celebrate your scholarship?” Levi asked.

  Eren didn’t answer immediately. Instead, he rubbed his head against Levi’s arm, tried to impart an apology over his previous behavior without saying it. He wanted to tell him he’d fucked up, reveal how much of a child he’d acted like, but it felt as if it would break the mood.

  The quiet stretched on, and Eren pulled in on himself, licked his lips and opened his mouth, still undecided on whether to answer Levi or confess.

  “I think I just want to stay in and have Chinese food if that’s all right,” Eren said, pushed his face against Levi’s neck, breathed him in. “Can I sleep over?”

  “You know you don't have to ask,” Levi scolded. “I bought your cereal at the store today. I had a feeling you’d want to stay.”

  Eren knew he didn't need to ask, but he liked doing it sometimes. Mostly because he enjoyed Levi’s assurances that it was unnecessary. It had become a thing between them. Levi had his quirks as well, at times he needed Eren to confirm that he was staying around, wasn't going to leave him or change his mind about being with him. Eren appreciated that Levi would make himself vulnerable like that, it made him feel better about his own vulnerability and insecurities.

  Their weaknesses aside, Eren still felt guilty for getting jealous about Erwin. He felt like he was lying or keeping a secret by not revealing to Levi his initial reaction at seeing them together and he couldn’t bear it any longer.

  “I’m going to get the menu,” Levi said, pressed a little kiss to Eren’s head before he got up.

  “Hey, Levi?” Eren grasped his hand as he moved to walk away. Levi paused mid-step, turned to look down at him, and the warmth in his expression made Eren feel even worse.

  “You seem off. What’s the matter?” He sat down on the coffee table in front of Eren, ran his thumb over the top of his hand when Eren wouldn't look at him.

  “I’m sorry,” Eren said and hid his face as best he could without being too obvious.

  “For what?” Levi asked, leaned down, so Eren had to look at him.

  “I got kind of jealous when you and Erwin were talking, and it was stupid.” He couldn't read Levi’s expression, it still looked fond as always, but it was so hard to know for certain. In a way, he wanted to clamp his mouth shut, but he’d already gotten the worst of it out. “I know that I had no reason to, but I felt like I should tell you and apologize.”

  “Hey, Brat,” Levi whispered, tipped Eren’s chin up. “You don't have anything to apologize about, and there’s no one to be jealous of.”

  “I told you it was stupid.”

  Levi wasn’t mad, didn’t appear to be even slightly pissed or annoyed, and that made Eren feel more ashamed.

  It was as if Levi could sense Eren’s conflict because he just kept looking at him, fingers reaching out and skimming over Eren’s jaw as the faintest smile crept up on Levi’s face.

  “Stop beating yourself up,” Levi said. “If you could be in my head for a minute, you’d know you never have anything to be jealous about.”

  “I thought you might be pissed at me.”

  “No,” Levi assured. “It’s kind of cute, really.”

  “Shut up,” Eren groaned.

  “Then don’t be cute.” 

  “I’m not trying to be,” Eren countered.

  Levi laughed. “I know you aren’t trying to be, but you are. Would you rather I tell you what a dumbass you were instead?”

  “Hey!” Eren sniped.

  “See,” Levi said, leaned over Eren and brushed their cheeks together. “I’ve told you a thousand times I’m not going anywhere.”

  Levi was quiet again, pulled in a breath and brought his lips to Eren’s ear. “I guess it’s dumb as fuck for me to think I can make you believe me when I worry about the same thing all the time, but here we both are.”

  Eren’s heart caught in his chest, eyes getting all hot as he wrapped his arms around Levi’s waist, pulled him closer and into his lap, then remembered what Hanji had said to him weeks before.

_‘You know, it’s interesting how two people can have the exact same silly fear about the other… I wonder what the chances are.’_

  “I’m not leaving you ever. You’ll have to make me go away,” Eren whispered.

  “Not happening, Brat.”

  “So we’re both idiots?” Eren asked, pressed a kiss to Levi’s temple.

  “Probably. Stupid insecure idiots, but you’re my idiot.”

  “Same, Idiot,” Eren said, laughed through the tears that still threatened to fall, and he swore he heard Levi sniff before he straightened up and looked at him with glassy eyes.

  “You’re like a fucking confessional,” Levi whispered. “Did you ever consider becoming a priest?”

  “No,” Eren laughed. “They’re celibate or something.”

  “You should, except for the no sex part. You make me say a lot of shit I shouldn’t.” Now Levi was the one trying to hide his face against Eren.

  “No, you should say everything,” Eren said, ran his fingers through Levi’s hair.

  “You too.”

  Eren listened to Levi breathe, felt it against his neck, heard lines in that song Levi always played repeating over and over in his head. He tried so hard to force out those three simple words, his tongue was thick, didn’t cooperate, and he bit his lip while he spoke. “Levi, I think I… I think I… God, damn it, fuck.”

  “Me too,” Levi whispered.

  All Eren could do was grab onto Levi like he’d die without him in his arms. Wait out the silence and just hold him, hold him because it was the only way he could tell him right now.

  Levi rubbed his chin against Eren’s, pulled back, looked into conflicted green eyes, finally breaking the silence. “Is this why you didn't want to go anywhere?”

  “No,” Eren shook his head. His hands were shaky, breaths nearly stuttering, but he scratched his fingertips into the undercut above Levi’s ear, then flipped all his hair to the side, not sure if he was attempting to distract Levi or himself from how completely screwed he was. “I really want Chinese food an- and to spend time with you here. I need to be here with y- you.”

  _It’s easier to pretend the world is only you and me when we’re home._

  “You always want General Tso.” Levi’s voice cracked, could barely finish the sentence, purred when Eren resumed rubbing the side of his head, and he sounded fucking wrecked.

  “Not as much as I want you.”

  Levi looked at Eren, kissed him softly, almost innocently, and Eren felt the tension ebb away like it ran down from his head and kind of fell out of his feet. He couldn’t handle anymore. He couldn’t say it, couldn’t tell Levi _why_ he couldn’t say it yet. He didn’t even understand the reason.

  The shitty guilty feeling disappeared slowly through dinner and snuggling on the couch afterward. There were more little whispers in Eren’s ear and more soft tiny kisses to the backs of his fingers and nuzzles into his hair. More than usual. Levi didn’t mention anything about their half confessions, and neither did Eren.

  Eren knew Levi was giving him reassurance because of his earlier admission. In the beginning, it had in a sense made it worse, made Eren feel like he wasn't as good of a boyfriend as he’d thought, but after a few hours and thinking about it, Eren had realized he learned something valuable about himself.

  Learned that his inability to say what he wanted without fear had probably amplified the entire problem. That, and the realization that he’d been putting off asking Levi for what he really wanted because he’d been too preoccupied trying to pin down a definition for something a person was just supposed to feel. It had been in the front of his mind the entire last half of the day. Kissing and jerking each other off wasn't enough anymore. Eren wanted more of a connection, something deeper.

  He looked at Levi, hoping he’d see what was going on in his head, see the conflict, the over-analyzing, and inner battle, all the want. He got devoted eyes looking into him and kisses in return, fingers ghosting up under his shirt and over his stomach, found himself gasping into Levi’s mouth when his fingertips toyed with the waist of his jeans.

  “Wanna get in bed?” Levi asked, pulled back to look at Eren.

  Eren knew what he meant, knew he didn't mean to go to sleep. Not just yet. They almost always fucked around when Eren slept over, and Levi always first asked if he wanted to get in bed.

  _Make me yours._

  Eren only nodded his head, felt the blush creep over his cheeks and down his neck like a flash of fire. Levi stood and pulled him up, and he wanted to tell him now, but once more couldn't form the words.

_Make me say it._


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do have some artwork, a commission I had done of New Wave Trash Bartender Levi, and Eren because I'm lazy and have been way more into writing than drawing lately. It was done by an amazing little friend of mine who I adore. They're an art student, and I love their art style so I gave them some shitty sketches for ideas and told them to go to town. It's up on my Tumblr right [here](https://ittybittyteapot.tumblr.com/post/162097678663/the-accompanying-ereri-artwork-for-my-fic-this-is).

  Eren let Levi’s hand slip from his as he turned and detoured to the kitchen.

  “Need water,” Eren said, voice still not cooperating. “I’ll be up in a minute.”

  “Get me one?” Levi asked before he was walking toward the loft.

  “Yeah.”

  Eren’s heart was hammering, back tightening like someone was twisting it up in a knot. Conversely, his dick was starting to act like it had a mind of its own, one that was completely uninterested in his nervousness. It wasn't unusual for him to have a hard-on by the time he reached the top of the ladder when they ‘went to bed,' but what he needed right now were water and air. What he needed now was to get his shit together and stop trying to think.

  He’d nearly said it earlier, never got that close before, kept it tucked all up inside where it was safe, but now Eren was fairly sure Levi felt the same way too. Still, the exchange had pulled him up to the height of tension before he had floated back down right into warm thoughts of Levi.

  He wasn’t truly holding back, Levi had to have known what he meant, or at least had some inkling of how Eren was feeling. He wouldn’t have said, ‘me too’ if he hadn’t, and Levi would have pushed if he was intent on making Eren admit it now. Eren was safe for the moment, at least with respect to _one_ of his problems.

  There were two distinctly different issues in his mind. The first being that Eren was almost sure he wanted to have sex tonight, the second was that Eren knew he was falling in love with Levi. He needed to stop focusing on one of those things for a while and concentrate on the other instead of making things harder for himself.

  He counted to twenty while he downed nearly an entire bottle of water, an audible huff filling the kitchen as he finished, pulled in breath afterward like he was starved of oxygen, forehead meeting the cool stainless steel of the refrigerator door as he tipped forward and squeezed his fingers around the handle. He was already panting like Levi was touching him, knew he was going to ask for it tonight. He wasn't nervous about it, felt more like all the emotions were getting too big for his skin, felt like he might tackle Levi as soon as he made it up to the loft.

  Levi was always careful with him, gentle and attentive. Always observed him, even when Eren wanted Levi to boss him around a little or get a bit rough. He knew Levi would take care of him, there was nothing to be nervous about, that definitely wasn’t it. 

  It was a reassurance that for the time being took the lingering heaviness away, made Eren move toward the bedroom, the tight grip on the water bottle clutched in his hand loosening. Every step up the ladder felt lighter, contrary to what he would have expected mere hours earlier, but what didn't make a lot of sense was the trembling that wracked his legs.

  When he made it upstairs, Levi was already getting under the blankets, and Eren tossed the water bottle on the bed instead of handing it to Levi. If he got that close, he wasn't even going to get his clothes off before he was all over him.

  He was almost entirely hard, tried to get undressed without ripping his own shirt and pants off, and calm his crazy breathing. He put his stuff in the hamper, but unlike every other night, he didn’t bother putting on his pajamas before he walked towards the bed naked as the day he was born.

  “No clothes?” Levi asked from under the covers, lips quirking, eyes flicking down to Eren’s dick before he looked back up and met his gaze.

  “Uh uh,” Eren shook his head, climbed onto the bed and into Levi’s arms as they practically slammed into each other. He felt Levi scramble, lips already locked on his, Levi pushing his own pants off before he was throwing back the bedding and pulling Eren on top of him.

  Eren had wanted this all day, more after getting over his issue about Erwin. He could barely contain himself for the last few hours, couldn’t keep still, and Levi had spent the evening inquiring as to why he was squirming around so much.

  He pulled back, looked at Levi, feeling his legs tensing against Levi’s hips, got that constant fluttery feeling again. It had started out heated, but now Eren felt overwhelming affection with the way Levi was looking up at him. Ran his fingertips lightly down the side of Levi’s face, paused at the edge of his jaw, and Eren’s mouth opened, almost about the spill those three words he’d been thinking about all day.

  Instead of saying them he leaned down, buried his face against Levi’s neck, rubbed against it when he couldn't look anymore. He couldn't look and not say it.

  No one who he’d ever said that to was still alive or present, either passed on or far away, and it scared him, but even through that fear, Eren knew he couldn't control it indefinitely. Every carefully crafted wall he’d built was nearly demolished. He’d always left little cracks and loose bricks, made it seem to anyone looking in, that those walls weren’t there, but Levi had noticed and gotten inside. Found all the secret passageways and wound his way through them.

  It’s what that look in his eyes always said. The one Eren was avoiding now as Levi's hands touched every inch of his skin he could reach, as he whispered his name close to his ear. He hid as much as Eren did when they were like this, but it didn't mean he didn't try to wreck him with the affection. That he didn't say things that made Eren’s chest feel like it was filling up with something far too deep for him to ever get all the way through.

  “Fucking adore you,” Levi murmured. There was no cockiness in it, no smoothness with the way Levi said it, just honesty mixed with a vulnerability Eren could detect in his already hoarse voice. There were trepidation and fear, and Eren was certain it was spurred by what Levi had admitted earlier.

  “You… too,” Eren managed, voice cracking for some reason he didn't understand.

  It always started out like this. Slow and soft, arms and legs wrapped up around each other, tighter squeezes when either of them said something too intense for the other to react to with words, but it was more delving this time. Like something had changed.

  Things like that were hard for Levi to say, though easier when they were like this, faces buried into one another’s necks, but challenging nonetheless. They were always stuttered out, words of endearment exchanged between them always said against flesh, or whispered in ears, often times with their heads pressed together, eyes shut as they fell asleep.

  “Your heart is beating, so hard.” Levi’s hands swept down Eren’s back, slow and gentle, just drinking in the feel of his skin before his tongue was flicking over Eren’s lips and he began thrusting up slowly against him.

  “Levi,” Eren whispered as he pulled back, voice still screwed up. “Did you ever get new condoms?”

  “Yeah,” Levi said, nipped at Eren’s jaw. “Why? In the mood for more than rubbing our dicks together?”

  Eren whimpered, could feel his cheeks heat up when Levi ground up against him harder. “Yeah. I’ve been thinking about it a lot.”

  “So you’re all wound up?” Levi asked, lips moving down to Eren’s neck. “That's why you were wriggling around all night?”

  “Maybe.” Eren rubbed his face against Levi’s shoulder, he’d already spit out as many words as he could about it without losing control. If he kept talking he was going to get sentimental and ramble on to an embarrassing degree. It had already been hard enough to ask for it, but he’d known he had to. Levi was never going to just try and fuck him for the first time without him saying he wanted it.

  It was one aspect where their age difference and Eren’s lesser experience came into play. Levi was always careful not to push him. Even when he knew exactly what Eren wanted or needed, he waited for Eren to say it, at least when it was something they were doing for the first time.

  Eren didn’t have a chance to contemplate it though, not with the way Levi flipped them. Swift but gentle, not hurried or rough. He clung to Eren, lips planted against his neck, sucking up bruises, before he pulled away, the reason Levi started fishing around in the drawer not a secret to Eren.

  When Levi was hovering back over him, Eren closed his eyes, heard the snap of the top on the bottle of lube, his body already familiar enough with what came after that sound that his cock started aching, balls pulling tighter along with the muscles low in his stomach.

  “Look at me,” Levi said. Almost a whisper as he dragged his hand down Eren’s stomach, squeezed his cock with one hand, while the fingers on the other trailed lower.

  Eren could never refuse Levi’s commands in bed, it made everything below his navel get tight, made him whine for Levi to repeat it. He bit back a whimper as Levi ran his thumb up the underside of his cock, blinked his eyes halfway open.

  The way Levi was looking at him as he teased him made his chest hurt. Affectionate and warm and maybe a little bit scared, and Eren didn't completely understand that. This wasn't new to Levi like it was to him, but Eren was sure Levi seemed as nervous as he did, and Levi’s expression only changed to something even more devoted when his finger found its way inside him.

  The playfulness Eren felt earlier dropped away as that ache overtook him, made something settle in his mind like there was a thread running from between his legs up to his heart. Each slow thrust doing more than stoking the flame in his belly, but filling up his chest with affection that he knew eventually would be too much for him to keep a tether on.

  It was all the false starts, and the ‘almost said’s’ that were sitting on Eren’s tongue, the threat of weighty words passing his lips intensifying with each finger Levi added. They stirred up more with the way Levi was latching onto his neck and jaw. How he kissed him slowly, licking into his mouth in a way that felt loving, it was with the way his hand moved over Eren’s skin like he was testing the feel of fine silk. It was all the affection, all the things that made Eren wonder if Levi was feeling the exact same way.

_I'm falling in love with you, Levi. I'm going to love you any moment now. Maybe in a week, or in a day, perhaps the next time your lips touch me like this or when you look at me that way._

He had to bite his lip, and it wasn’t only because Levi was hitting that place inside, making Eren’s hips jump off the bed, but because he was about to admit it. Levi was nearly fucking a confession out of him, and they weren't even having sex yet. He’d said as much as he could earlier, it was as far as he could currently go.

  Eren began to panic, and pleasure turned to discomfort. He grit his teeth, tried to breathe through it, tried to keep himself from twisting, and the whimpers confined to the back of his throat.

  It never hurt before, sometimes almost burned a little a first, but in a comforting way, and Levi did this to him all the time. Even the first time it hadn't hurt. He was so keyed up, but he couldn't calm his body, he was pulled so fucking tight, from the top of his head to his toes. Felt like he might snap if Levi touched his dick, or if he kept looking at him that way.

  Eren felt his brow furrow, tried not to whine, but Levi noticed, Eren could tell by his expression, how he carefully, slowly pulled his fingers from him and wiped off his hand.

  He couldn't stop the sigh of relief. Then there was a brush of lips across Eren’s forehead, followed by his cheek, concerned eyes boring into him so hard he had to turn his face away. Focused his vision on the bathroom door, anywhere but Levi’s face.

  “It hurts," Levi said.

  There was no point in lying. “Yeah.”

  "You’re supposed to tell me if it does, Brat," Levi scolded.

  "But I want us to do this," Eren argued.

  "The point is for it to feel good," Levi said, rubbed his thumb in slow circles over Eren’s hip, pinched him a little in mock punishment, which only made Eren’s dick harder. “It's because you're nervous. Your body is tensing up."

  Eren knew Levi thought he was anxious about the act itself, but he knew better, it wasn't that. He was nervous about the words that kept nearly flying out of his mouth.

  "But I want this with you." Eren knew Levi wasn't going to continue if he thought he was in pain, but he was too wound up not to try.

  Eren watched from the corner of his eye as Levi stared down at him for a long time, it felt as if he was trying to read him, and Eren wished Levi could just know what was in his head. He was close to telling Levi to try again, didn’t want to give up because he fucking needed this, he wanted this.

  "You know,” Levi said, leaned over, pressed his lips close to Eren’s ear. “You could fuck me instead.”

  "I can?" Eren turned his head to look up at Levi, voice coming out like some kind of squeaky cracking whisper that made his entire face get hotter. The idea of fucking Levi made Eren’s cock twitch, how Levi said it, and the way his breath warmed his ear made him want to press Levi back against the sheets right then.

  "What, you thought I was always going to be doing all the hard work?" Levi smirked down at Eren while he pinched his hip again.

  Eren whined at that, had to take a deep breath and swallow hard before he could speak again.

  "I guess not, but I always thought it would be the other way around our first time.” That was Eren’s mistake, his perception that they were somehow in different positions. As if Levi having more experience with sex meant he knew what he was doing in a relationship. That he knew more about being what they were together, being _them_. Like they weren't both sort of fumbling around learning everything, figuring it all out with one another.

  "I don't care which way we do it," Levi admitted, searched Eren’s face. "At the risk of sounding like a sappy loser… I only care about being with you, Brat.”

  Now Eren had seen Levi totally drop the sarcasm, saying sweet, sentimental things to him, saying he only wanted to be with him. That was the crux of it, Levi didn’t care, only needed Eren on this journey they had begun with each other.

  Levi was looking at him again, but he had moved nearer, nose touching his, lips brushing against his when he spoke. It was easier not to hide with Levi’s eyes so close, and Eren tried not to look away, tried to look and not say what he wanted to say.

  Levi pressed the bottle of lube into Eren’s hand, and Eren sucked in a really deep breath. Although the reason escaped Eren, this made him more nervous than the idea of being on the bottom. He didn’t open the bottle just then, instead skimmed his hand down to Levi’s ass, squeezed a little roughly, breath hitching when Levi hissed. Slid his fingers over, circled sensitive flesh, gauging Levi’s reaction, nearly moaned when Levi whispered his name and his mouth fell open.

  Eren was struck with an almost feral need, not only that but something that pulled in his chest, made him press harder against Levi as he flipped them over, mirroring Levi’s earlier movements. He came up on top, not fucking thinking for a moment, just hungry as he opened the bottle and spread slippery fluid over his fingers.

  He looked down at Levi, hand dripping onto the mattress, and Levi was looking back up with so much want that it gave Eren pause. His eyes were glassy, looking like they were full of all that shit that Eren knew his were full of when he looked at Levi. Eren was shaking, teeth almost chattering again. He couldn’t do this from far away, had to get as close as possible, spread himself out over Levi, kiss him, holding him as tight against his body as possible.

  He hadn’t made it halfway down before Levi’s hands were grasping the sides of his face, lips meeting Eren’s before Levi’s head was slamming back into the pillows. Eren wound his arm up under Levi’s, pressed the tips of his fingers into his shoulder, was finally holding Levi down the way he always had to hold him down. Didn’t think as he nudged Levi’s legs apart with his own, felt Levi moan into his mouth, nails digging into his back before his hand found its way between Levi’s legs.

  Eren was careful, cautious as he pressed inside, watched Levi’s face for any indication he was screwing up. He had no idea how much he’d done this before, but he did know it had been a long time since Levi last had sex.

  “Fuck,” Levi said through gritted teeth, pushed back down against Eren and tossed his head back. Eren felt Levi hold him tighter, how his muscles tensed as if there was a wave rolling down through them every time he drove back inside.

  His chest was all screwed up, limbs felt rubbery, head felt like it might float away from his neck even as Levi’s tongue made its way into his mouth. Eren’s heart was going to beat out of his chest and right into Levi’s with the way he was biting at his lips, and those beautiful fucking sounds. With the way his eyes would catch Eren’s every time they’d stop for air. Dark and searching, how he whimpered when Eren added another finger.

  “Eren, I…” Levi’s voice trailed off, sounded as scratchy as Eren’s, stopped saying whatever he was trying to and caught Eren’s mouth with his own instead. Kissed him for what felt like forever while Eren stretched him.

  It felt like it might be the same words Eren was struggling with, and he hoped to god it was. Nearly said them himself again as Levi whispered for his cock, pulled himself up against Eren, pressing their bodies together as close as he could.

  It was too much. The way Levi clung to him, was pressing his face against Eren’s neck, the quiet little, “fuck me's” puffing against his ear.

  Eren couldn’t let go, even as he pulled his fingers from Levi, wiped off his hand and blindly tried to fish for the condom next to them. He couldn’t pry himself away, Levi was asking, practically begging, but he was hanging on to him like he’d fly away without him.

  His fingers finally met foil, and he grasped the fucking package of latex like it was life, pried himself off of Levi, hating the feel of air instead of Levi against his skin.

  He looked down at Levi, watched the rapid rise and fall of his chest. His fingers were so shaky, but Levi looked like his were worse, his entire body was trembling. He appeared so beautifully fragile, and Eren had to screw his eyes shut hard and take a deep breath. He ripped the thing open, somehow managed to smoothly roll it down, trying not to look inexperienced as all fuck, didn't look at Levi directly because if he did, he was going to ask him what he was about to say earlier.

  Once it was on, he slicked himself up, not trusting the amount of lube that came with a lubricated condom. He laid back down, planted his forearms either side of Levi’s head, and just looked for as long as he could before he was brushing his lips against his collarbone.

  “Levi,” Eren said as he slid a hand down between them and lined himself up, felt Levi’s limbs pull him closer, and began to guide his cock inside.

  It was so fucking tight, tighter than Eren had imagined, and he had to stop once he made it almost all the way in because he felt like he was going to come if he got any farther, and more importantly, he didn't want to go too fast.

  Levi was panting in his ear, crying out softly every time Eren’s body shifted the slightest bit. Eren wasn’t sure if he was hurting him or not, but he dug up the guts to move his face away from where he’d buried it against Levi’s shoulder and looked down.

  The way Levi looked was fucking sinful; eyes all pupil, looking up at Eren, biting his lip as he rolled his hips, and Eren was entirely sure he was going to come way too fast.

  “Is it okay?” Eren breathed.

  “Yeah, but it would be better if you moved,” Levi whispered and smirked before his expression was back to fondly euphoric.

  “I need a second,” Eren said through gritted teeth. “Or I’m going to lose it now.”

  Eren thought maybe anyone else would believe that it was a shitty thing to say, something that would break the mood, but it was so much them. So much Levi. The look on Levi’s face hadn’t changed, even with the teasing. He was still looking at Eren like he was trying to pull his soul into him, touched his face with shaking fingers and stared into Eren’s eyes.

  There was a moment that settled between them, and Eren needed it. Wanted to etch Levi into his mind, the way he was looking up at him, his expression seemed like he was asking Eren to break him. Eren watched him swallow, close his eyes before he opened them again and wet his lips.

  “Sorry, now I'm the brat,” Levi whispered.

  “Only a little bit,” Eren added.

  “It’s just… fuck. I need all of you.”

  Slowly, Eren slid in the rest of the way, head dropping as their hips met. He knew Levi was still watching him, felt his fingers on his chin, tipping his head up, like he was daring him to say it. That expression was challenging, devoted, and Eren wanted to, but he pulled his hips back instead, pressed back in, watched Levi’s head fall to the side, and attacked the neck stretched out before him with his mouth.

  He wasn’t rough, little grazes down the side until his lips met Levi’s shoulder, tried to calm his heart rate and that all too familiar feeling that his chest was too full. Like he had to let something out.

  It made his rhythm stutter at first, but Levi only held him tighter, pressed his heels into the bed as he began to meet each shaky thrust. Eren thought for a moment through the haze that he was fucking it all up with the way he was moving, but Levi didn’t seem to care, was trailing his fingers slowly up and down his spine, whispering his name over and over between moans.

  Eren felt like he was going to fall apart, but he needed to hold himself together. His mind was reeling, and he had to bite his tongue, he was going to say it, eyes burning with that overwhelming unspoken emotion. Still, he was doing his best not to unravel, Levi needed this. After everything he had done for Eren, he deserved to be the whining writhing mess he was quickly becoming beneath him.

  He hadn’t even moved his hands down to guide him through the uneven thrusts, held one hand against his cheek while the other was beginning to dig into his back.

  Eren was hot, covered in a thin sheen of sweat, slid against Levi and felt the wind from the open window caress his skin. It was dark, the incoming front felt like there was something else twisted up in it, seemed like the kind of air that wrapped you in spells on an early summer night. As if whatever had shifted between them had moved everything else along with it.

  “Eren,” Levi breathed.

  “Levi,” Eren whispered back, tried to even out his thrusts regardless of the fond ache in his heart that was making it hard to concentrate.

  Eren thought he knew what Levi wanted to say, knew what he almost said in return.

  “I…” Levi said, looked like he was trying to hold Eren’s gaze, wrapped his arms around Eren’s shoulders, ground his cock harder up against Eren’s stomach and pressed his lips against his cheek.

  “You…” Eren murmured, sped up when Levi whined close to his ear. It was either go harder or pour out his secret. As much as it was about to pass his lips, he was wrapped up in the physical just as much as the emotional, the twitch in the base of his spine throwing him forward with every little sound Levi made, every scrape of blunt nails over his flesh.

  Eren felt like he was falling farther each time he drove back into that heat, looked into Levi’s eyes, saw all the desperation reflected back there. Felt Levi’s body all around him, pulling him closer, was teetering on the edge of losing it all when he felt Levi’s entire frame go rigid, body squeezing him, back bowing in his arms with a “Brat,” whispered against his neck as he spilled himself over their stomachs.

 Eren was about to pull out, jerk himself off the rest of the way, but Levi grabbed his hips, pulled him forward, kept fucking himself on Eren’s cock.

  “Don't stop,” Levi ground out, looked up at Eren pleading, like he’d laid himself out, completely open for him.

  “But you just…”

  “I know, but I like it.” Levi dived up at skin, scraped his teeth gently down Eren’s neck. “And I want you to get off in me.”

  It was so wickedly hot, Eren almost came from the words alone. He didn’t need to be told again because Levi’s body was still gripping him, and he began digging his fingers into Eren’s arms as soon as he moved, urging him on.

  His name came across Levi’s lips in some kind of broken staccato. Eren watched his mouth fall open, eyes nearly closing, looking like they were about to roll back in his head. And the sounds, the fucking sounds that were coming out of his mouth, long drawn out whimpers that Eren never would have imagined hearing from him. He tried to kiss him, but Levi couldn’t seem to do much but hang on.

  Levi’s fingers dug in so hard they hurt, made Eren’s back tingle from his neck to his ass, and he buried his head against Levi’s neck, mouthed the words silently against Levi’s skin as he fell over the edge. Levi was still pulling him down as hard as he could, and Eren felt like he might just melt into him. He slowed down, still fucking his way through his orgasm, rested his lips against Levi’s cheek, felt his heart slam in his chest like it was going to burst straight through his ribs.

  Eren couldn’t pull in enough air, felt like all the bones in his body had turned to dust. If Levi hadn’t guided his face toward his, Eren was sure he wouldn't have been able to move it on his own. Levi’s lips brushed against his, and he tasted salt before Levi’s tongue was in his mouth. It was warm and slow, almost made him feel like he wasn't in his body anymore.

  The mess they’d made of each other didn't quite matter for the time being. All that did was severely needed breath, clinging to and tasting each other. It wasn’t until a gust blew in, cooling still dripping skin to a chilling degree that Eren pulled back and looked at Levi. Took in still reddened cheeks and lips, and rested his forehead against Levi’s.

  “I’m freezing,” Eren regretfully whispered.

  “Warm shower?” Levi asked. “We’re a disaster right now.”

  “Let me peel myself off of you,” Eren smirked, kissed Levi’s forehead before he carefully pulled out and collapsed back on the bed.

  “I’m not changing these sheets,” Levi said as he scanned them, eyes settling on a small spot of lube. “They aren’t that fucked up, maybe a little sweaty, but we can sleep on your side. I don't have the energy.”

  “You sure?” Eren asked, beaming over Levi referring to the left half of the bed as _his_ side.

  “Yeah, I don't give a fuck. We can do it in the morning,” Levi explained. “I want a shower and cuddles and sleep.”

  “Cuddles?” Eren asked surprised. “You never say ‘cuddles.'”

  “I do now,” Levi deadpanned as he sat up and grabbed Eren’s hand. “And I’d like to have them sooner rather than later, so get your bratty little ass in the shower with me.”

  It didn’t take long for Eren to drift off to sleep once they were clean and settled in bed. He dozed off almost as soon as his head hit the pillow and Levi wrapped his arms around him, slept like he’d been up for days. It wasn’t until the wee hours of the morning as he slowly made his way back to wakefulness, and opened his eyes that he found Levi just watching him. He could barely make Levi out in the darkness, but the lights from outside provided enough of a glow for him to see Levi was awake.

  His fingers were toying with strands of Eren’s hair, silver eyes observing him, looking on adoringly, and Eren smiled and closed his eyes, blew out the breath he’d been holding when Levi’s hand slid down to his cheek.

  “Spying on me?” Eren asked with a smirk.

  “I like watching you sleep,” Levi admitted.

  “I’m sure the drooling is attractive.”

  “You weren’t drooling yet,” Levi whispered. “That doesn’t start until about five A.M. when you stop talking in your sleep.”

  “Shut up,” Eren huffed, opened his eyes to find Levi was smiling at him and he couldn’t help smiling back.

  “Hmm. You know I don't always sleep good, but when you're here and I wake up, I watch you sleep instead of getting out of bed.”

  “Does having me here make it harder to stay asleep?” Eren asked quietly, slightly fearful of the answer.

  “No, the opposite actually,” Levi admitted.

  “What did I say in my sleep?” Eren asked.

  “You were talking about what a fantastic lay I am.”

  Eren hid his face in his hands so Levi wouldn’t see the blush he knew was developing. “I didn’t really, did I?”

  Levi laughed, “No, you were talking some nonsense about having to unlock your basement.”

  “Weird,” Eren said. “Do you want to try and go back to sleep?”

  “Sure,” Levi said.

  “Do you want _cuddles_?” Eren teased.

  “Shut the fuck up,” Levi whispered and tucked his head up under Eren’s chin. “You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?”

  “No.”


	11. Chapter 11

  Three apartments toured over the course of the entire morning and early afternoon, and Eren was no closer to finding a new home than he had been a month earlier when he began his quest. The first not only smelled of burnt plastic, but its surfaces were covered in wallpaper that appeared as if it had been pasted there during the Great Depression.

  The second was decent enough, though upon further investigation by none other than ‘housing inspector Levi,’ it had been declared unfit. There was a small hole in the back of one cupboard, and Eren’s suddenly overprotective boyfriend was convinced it was an entranceway a rat had chewed through, contrary to any further evidence of vermin.

  The third, which they had only just departed, smelled faintly like weed and had shitty water flow. It had also been deemed not up to standard by Levi.

 Eren was grateful for his help, but he likely would have jumped on the third and put up with unsatisfying showers had Levi not gently stopped him. He only hoped the appointments they set to look at other places the following week, would yield better results. If not, Eren didn’t have many options left. It was either remain in his current apartment with the mildewy ceiling or the dorms. Both choices sucked.

  “You packed up the rest of our shit, right?” Levi asked as he unlocked the car.

  “Mostly, but you don't have any swim trunks that I could find,” Eren said as he opened the door and slid into the passenger seat.

  “I don't swim,” Levi declared.  “I don’t usually go to beaches either, but you’ve met my friends, so I should meet yours.”

  “Oh c’mon, Levi. You won't go in with me?” Eren whined. “Just a little.”

  “To my knees… maybe. I don't need swim trunks for that,” Levi pointed out.

  “I bet you’ll come in,” Eren teased.

  “I'm sure I won’t,” Levi said. “Do you know how many people have pissed in the ocean?”

  Eren grinned mischievously. Levi’s face was impassive like it usually was, but Eren could see his lip barely twitch, as it was wont to do when he was resisting the urge to smirk at Eren.

  “It doesn’t matter, you’ll think I’m sexy out in the sun all wet in my swimsuit, you won’t be able to resist joining me.”

  Levi looked over at Eren, expression serious as ever as he turned on the car and shifted it into drive. “You’re a fucking brat.”

  After a quick trip to the store and a lot of grumbling from Levi, they returned to the apartment, one pair of swim trunks and three bottles of sunscreen richer. Eren had been careful not to tease Levi too much as he’d found something wrong with nearly every swimsuit they looked at, then finally relented and settled on the plainest ones he could find. Black with a simple white strip down each side. Eren thought Levi would have looked darling in the pair covered in space cats, but he wasn't going to complain. He knew he was lucky he was able to get him to agree to anything.

  It didn’t go unnoticed by Eren that Levi was stashing the new article of clothing as deep into his bag as possible as they readied the last of their luggage. He didn’t say anything, knew it would be a losing battle if he did, and instead decided not to mention swimming until they were at the beach.

  “Oi, are we forgetting the suntan lotion? I’ll fry without it,” Levi asked as they departed.

  “I’ve got it,” Eren assured. “I wouldn't let you burn.”

  “I’m allergic to the sun.”

  Eren resisted the urge to laugh. Levi was nervous, he could tell, and he knew the feeling all too well himself. He’d suffered through enough of it the past couple years, not to mention how he was feeling about Levi meeting his friends for the first time. Eren was sure they would get along, but it still left him with worries. They hadn’t all been together since the holidays, and although he’d spoken to Armin and Mikasa about Levi, he hadn't gone into much depth. They both were well aware of the age difference, and Eren knew how protective Mikasa especially could be.

  Everyone could also be quite the handful when they got together as well, and Eren had concerns the teenage craziness would be more than Levi would enjoy dealing with, because more than anything, he wanted a relaxing weekend at the ocean with everyone who was important to him. 

  It stayed in the back of his mind during the three hours they spent driving up to the coast, but Eren was still cognizant of Levi as well. He wasn’t chatty at all times, yet he seemed more subdued than usual. As if he was mulling something over behind those cool grey eyes, and Eren wasn’t entirely sure it was the coming weekend that occupied his thoughts or something else. It seemed like too small a thing to get his wheels turning like that and quiet him down to this degree. And he’d been like that since they’d left the last apartment.

  Regardless, Eren attempted to focus on what was to come and prevent himself from sinking too far into his own head. He was still distracted by his internal debate and turmoil over confessing to Levi. The urge always came on stronger when they were alone and silent, as they were now in the car, listening to music and taking in the scenery. It happened as well during the times they were more intimate, and Eren had taken to mouthing the words across Levi’s skin almost every chance he had. As if he was testing them, practicing saying them without putting a voice to the phrase.

  _I’d say it against your chest right now if I could. Right over your heart._

  He’d said the words to Levi in his head nearly continuously for the last week. By now, it was the only way to keep them from tumbling out. Something he was doing then as they drove around a curve and the ocean came into view from the highway. He looked out over the dark blue water, sunset reflecting off it, gasped at the scene before he glanced over at Levi, caught a little smile when Levi’s eyes flicked briefly toward him, and he squeezed Eren’s hand a little harder.

  _I love you._

  This wasn’t a good time though, they were almost to their destination, and Eren couldn’t look at Levi and say it while he was in control of the car and unable to give him his full attention. He didn’t particularly care about making it a big deal, making it perfect, but this definitely wasn’t the place to do it. And definitely not when he was unsure what Levi would say or think. If he were put off by it, their arrival at the beach house would be awkward, to say the least.

  When they pulled up, Eren saw cars parked and knew that everyone else had already arrived earlier. It was the price they’d had to pay for spending time looking at the apartments. He resisted the urge to sink back further into his seat, not certain if he was happy everyone else had gotten there before them or not.

  He’d originally hoped to see Armin first, expected to find out exactly what he’d told the others so he’d have a heads-up. He’d spoken to them all briefly in texts or Snapchats the last few months. They knew about Levi, but he’d not told them much about him.

  Levi looked over at Eren as he shut off the car, brushed the hair away from Eren’s forehead, seemed to sense his nervousness. “You look like you’re about to piss yourself again.”

  “No I don’t!” Eren argued, but he caught the hand near his face with his own, tried not to grip it too tightly.

  “It’ll be okay. I _want_ to meet your friends,” Levi said as he reached up, ran his thumb across Eren’s brow, looked at him like he was trying to see inside. “Just smooth these out, if you keep frowning this much, you’re going to have wrinkles before me.”

  That painfully fond expression on Levi’s face sparked a sense of bravery that began to brew within Eren, and he pecked Levi lightly on his cheek before he was pushing through the jitters, getting out of the car and gathering up bags.

  The walk up to the house first felt like he was trudging up a hill, and Eren was overcome with that stupid fucking anxiety he’d been trying to rid himself of for months. Though, he found his confidence rising with each step he took. He was going to see his friends again, he was going to be able to show off his hot, exciting boyfriend that he loved. He hadn’t told him he felt that way yet, but soon, he was definitely going to do it soon.

  He paused as they reached the door, hand hovering over the handle the same way it did the first couple times he’d walked into Levi’s bar.

  “There’s nothing to worry about,” Levi gently prodded. “And I promise I’ll be nicer than I am to the assholes in the bar.”

  “Well thank god for that,” Eren said and smirked over his shoulder at Levi before they went inside.

  He’d expected everyone to be sitting in the living room when they entered, had pictured five heads turning in his and Levi’s direction in unison when they walked in, silence and then some kind of weird awkwardness, but this wasn’t at all what he pictured. No one was to be seen, though he could hear Mikasa and Sasha talking in the kitchen.

  “We’re here,” Eren yelled and moved toward the sound of voices.

  “Oh hi, Eren,” Mikasa said and waved as she poked her head through the doorway. “Hang on, I’ll show you where your room is.”

  “Oooh, I want to meet Eren’s boyfriend,” Sasha said from somewhere farther into the kitchen.   

  “Then come meet him,” Eren answered, watched expectantly waiting for Mikasa and Sasha to round the corner.

  He felt sort of odd standing there, maybe a little exposed, waiting, but he had Levi, and although it had only been half a minute, it had felt like ten. When they finally made an appearance, it was enough to take at least half the weight off of Eren’s shoulders. There’d been brief handshakes, Sasha commenting that Levi was cute and a good choice before Mikasa was showing them to a bedroom that exceeded Eren’s expectations.

  He stopped in the doorway, looked back at Mikasa, smiled at her, silently thanking her for not making it a big deal, and was given a smile back in return. She hadn't run to him and hugged him as she usually did when she saw him, but he understood why. Knew she was trying to keep the energy low, keep it from getting too hyper. She knew him better than almost anyone, had an awareness of when it was better not to ramp everything up.

  "The boys are already down on the beach, we’re heading there now,” Mikasa explained and rolled her eyes. “Jean thinks he’s going to grill dinner, I guess we’ll see how it turns out. Meet us down there after you get settled. No pressure, Eren.”

  “Thanks,” Eren said, finally gave her the hug he wanted since he saw her face again.

  “I’m happy to see you,” she huffed against his chest. “I missed you.”

  “I missed you too,” Eren whispered as he pulled back. “We’ll be down there soon.”

  He closed the door, turned and walked into the room, dropped his bag on the floor, felt exhausted for a second as the anxiety fell away.

  Levi was looking outside, and Eren flopped down on the bed, stretched his arms out high above his head, working the kinks out from the ride and closed his eyes. “This is actually comfortable. Not bad.”

  “There’s a hammock out there, and it looks like a private deck,” Levi said as he pointed to something beyond the sliding glass door.

  Eren opened his eyes, turned his head to the side, just smiled while he watched Levi looking at the view. “You’re beautiful, you know.”

  Levi turned, brows lowering, looking like he was thinking deeply as he walked over to the bed and spread himself out next to Eren. “Feeling sentimental already, or are you trying to butter me up and get me in that water.”

  “Maybe both,” Eren mused as he turned to face Levi. “Honestly, it was more of an observation than anything else.”

  “There’s a waxing crescent moon tonight,” Levi said, looked past Eren at nothing before their eyes met. “And it’s supposed to be clear out. If you promise to watch it with me, I’ll go in.”

  “I’d watch it with you anyway, dork.” Eren smiled, kissed away the sting of the affectionate insult until they were panting, and Levi’s legs had wrapped around his waist. He knew he shouldn’t now, but Eren couldn’t stop the instinct to buck into his hips, drag his cock against Levi’s through their clothes.  

  Levi pulled away as he bit back a moan, looked carefully at Eren, appeared regretful before he kissed his forehead. “We came here to see your friends, not to lock ourselves away in a room and fuck. We could do that at home.”

  _Home._

“We can go outside when my boner goes away,” Eren groaned. Levi had a point, but it didn’t mean his dick wanted to go along with the idea.

  “Seeing me in those swim trunks should help make it go away,” Levi joked.

  “Shut the fuck up.”

  It took Eren a good ten minutes to settle himself down to a point where he could walk outside the bedroom. Seeing Levi change, nor seeing him in the swimsuit that he’d referred to as ‘ghastly’ had helped either. He looked anything but ugly in it. The way the shorts settled low on his hips and how they allowed Eren to see all the tattoos he was so enamored with didn’t help much in cooling him back down either.

  Besides the waning horniness that still lingered, there was some trepidation on their way down to where everyone else was. The walk to the beach feeling longer than the walk up to the house. A mix of self-consciousness and excitement made Eren’s legs feel fucking heavy and numb at the same time. It wasn’t the type of self-awareness that caused him to feel like he was being judged or watched, but more that he had a sense of everything his body was doing.

  How his palm was sweating in Levi’s hand, how his elbow twitched, the swing of his free arm, and the way his hair felt against his forehead. It reminded him to adjust his bangs, aware he was doing so to hide behind them as much as he could. It was silly really, he was nearly six feet tall, not six inches, everyone saw them coming, but the hair partially obscuring his right eye comforted him almost as much as the brush of Levi’s thumb over the back of his hand.

  He could see his friends as he and Levi moved closer. They were spread out, and that made it feel less burdensome. Mikasa and Jean were at the edge of the water, and Sasha, Armin, and Connie were working on building a fire, looking mellow enough that Eren allowed himself a small smile of relief.

  When he made it to them and set his things down, he found Levi seemed far less nervous than he was, didn’t seem phased when Mikasa and Jean rejoined them, nor when she had lifted the weight from Eren and began introductions.

  There was the usual round of ‘nice to meet you’s,' nods of heads and quick waves of hands before everyone was back to doing their own thing, and Eren found himself slowly relaxing. It had all been rather nonchalant and had left Levi and Eren to sort of blend in with the other five.

  It had allowed the worries about his friends meeting Levi to dissipate, and Eren and Levi to settle in, making conversation with the others, Eren not feeling inhibited about holding Levi’s hand or behaving like they did around each other back home when they were in the presence of others. No overly prying eyes or concerned looks were given that would have gotten in the way of the two of them sinking into their mini vacation.

  It was comfortable enough that it took less time than Eren expected to get Levi to venture into the water. To Eren’s surprise, he’d gotten up and prompted Eren to follow him down to the shore instead of the other way around. Levi had said he would go in, and Eren had expected he would do as he said the next day, but he wasn’t anticipating him being the one to drag him up from his lounge chair and down to the waves.

  At first, they only walked along the edge holding hands, where the water met the sand, Levi wrinkling his nose slightly at the gritty texture on his feet, but he’d made his way in a little deeper faster than Eren would have imagined. Tugged Eren along by the hand until it was up to his calves.

  Beautiful as walking along the beach hand in hand with Levi was, they hadn’t driven there to spend all their time alone. Eren did want to hang out with his friends as well, and while he had an internal debate about prompting Levi to go back, they were called by Armin when the food was ready.

  Jean’s attempt at grilling didn’t turn out as badly as Mikasa had apparently feared it would, and Eren found himself unwinding further through a laid back dinner around the fire. He was getting more comfortable, slowly inched closer to Levi as the sun dipped completely from view and tucked himself up against him. Felt his anxiety slide away, replaced with confidence and something warmer. His friends hadn’t seen him in a place this good since before his parents had died, and the last time they’d said goodbye, he’d barely managed to hold back tears at the prospect of being alone again.

  The worried looks and whispers of concern that he’d contended with the last time they were together, were absent now, and it felt the way things did when they were younger and still in high school together. Back when Eren had foolishly thought the world was safe, that he was too young to suffer any kind of significant loss.

  He felt Levi’s arms pull at him, as he shifted toward him once more. Deceptively delicate, yet strong arms plastering Eren to his smaller body. Found himself between Levi’s legs, leaning back against his chest, didn’t care how sappy it must have looked because he was content. He wanted his friends to see him like this, see he’d persevered and found the most awesome person in the world. If he was honest with himself, he knew part of it was pride that Levi was his as well. He couldn’t criticize himself for it though, and Levi allowing him to be affectionate in front of what was a bunch of strangers to him, made Eren preen a bit.

  After everything he’d lost, and how hard his life had been, in the here and now he had something to be proud of. It hadn't been easy, nothing ever was for him, but there was something to show for his efforts, and he was wanted and adored by this person who despite all his flaws, Eren wouldn't change one thing about.

  Mikasa was watching them, he noticed. Not in the suspicious, protective manner that Eren would have expected, but more like she was curious. He met her eyes and smiled.

  “So you two met in the bar, right?” she asked, her smile growing faintly bigger when she flicked her eyes down, noticed Levi’s thumb beginning to draw circles over the back of Eren’s hand.

  “Yeah, but it’s his bar, it’s not like I went to a club and picked him up,” Eren explained.

  “I’m surprised you went to a bar, you never liked going to clubs with us,” Mikasa pointed out. “Why were you there?”

  Eren shrugged, thought back to that night he was out walking, how he’d ended up there in the first place. She had a point, bars and clubs never were his thing, and the rest of his friends used to have to needle Eren and drag him out of his house to get him to go. It was out of the ordinary for him to simply walk into one. Especially alone.

  “You know, now that I think about it, I stopped in front of it because it looked kind of cool and laid back, and when I got closer, I could hear this song that started playing…” Eren looked up, tried to put himself back in that night that seemed so far away now. “…I don’t know what it was, but it made me want to go inside. I got this feeling or something.”

  “Thieves Like Us,” Levi interjected.

  “Huh?” Eren asked confused.

  “The song,” Levi explained. “It’s called, Thieves Like Us. It’s the same one you always make me play.”

  Eren thought about it, he’d flipped back to that song probably five times on their way to the beach earlier that day, and he always picked the album it was on when he and Levi listened to music, and it was his turn to choose. Only he hadn't realized until Levi pointed it out that it was the song he’d heard that night.

  “You remembered that?” Eren asked, tipped his head back to look up at Levi, suddenly noticed all his friends were quiet and watching them, and he felt his cheeks getting hot again, sunk himself into Levi a little further.

  “I have a good memory for music, especially when a beautiful brat walks into my bar during the intro to a love song like it’s a fucking John Hughes film,” Levi said it like it was nothing, and Eren was surprised that he’d revealed it in front of everyone.

  Perhaps it was the two beers Levi had over the course of the evening, maybe he felt exceptionally comfortable sitting there with Eren, but whatever it was, it didn't matter. What mattered was that it had made enough of an impression on Levi that he recalled it.

  “You remember...” Eren repeated, more to himself than anyone else.

  “Yeah…” Levi admitted, shrugged, and Eren could feel how he hid his face slightly in his hair, before he continued, “but I’d think you’d be the one to remember, I mean, it is New Order,” Levi teased.

  “Ugh, we’re not getting into the New Order versus Joy Division debate again,” Eren groaned and rolled his eyes. It didn’t matter that he only liked better what he liked better, his music knowledge about that particular genre wasn't extensive enough to keep up with Levi’s philosophical arguments regarding the merits of Joy Division over New Order. He was never going to win.

  “No point in you losing another disagreement.” Levi’s arms tightened around Eren minutely, and he knew Levi’s lips were quirking without looking. It was a playful argument they occasionally had, only requiring a squeeze or kiss on the cheek to melt away any snark they threw at each other.

  “Sweet and vomit-worthy as this little conversation about Eren’s epic love story is, we need more wood,” Jean interjected, gesturing at the dwindling fire with a smirk.

  Eren flicked sand in his direction with his foot, “Eat a dick, Horseface, let me have my moment.”

  “I like your friend,” Levi admitted, then looked up at Jean. “I’ll help you get wood… Horseface.”

  Eren’s eyes widened as he watched for the reactions, head slowly swiveling, the quiet stretching on for what felt like hours until Jean burst out laughing.

  “Eren, your boyfriend, is fucking awesome,” Jean said between guffaws as he stood up. “He’s like some level hundred and ten snark-lord. How did a dipshit like you even end up with someone that cool?”

  “I don’t know,” Eren shrugged, grinned arrogantly at Jean. “He just likes me.”

  “He’s one patient mother-fucker,” Jean laughed.

  “Infinitely more than you, asshat,” Eren snipped, although there wasn’t any bite behind his words.

  It wasn’t hard for Levi to extricate himself from behind Eren because Eren was laughing hysterically, mostly from the feeling of relief, his stomach contracting until it hurt when everyone else joined in, even Levi snickered a little.

  Though he didn't show it much, Levi had been apprehensive about going to the beach, Eren knew. He could feel the tension rising off of him the entire drive to the coast, the way he was stiffer than usual anytime he’d touched or embraced him that day, and Eren feared he was dragging Levi somewhere he didn’t really want to be.

  Watching him relax over the course of the evening had filled Eren’s heart with so much warmth. He loved his friends, and he wanted Levi to like them, wanted to be able to spend time with them and bring Levi along when they were in town. He hoped maybe someday when he had more money at his disposal they’d be able to go visit them, and Levi would want to go too.

  When Levi and Jean were gone, and the laughing slowly died away, Eren was left with the smiles of those who remained.

  “So… Levi seems cool, Eren,” Armin said.

  “Yeah,” Mikasa interjected. “I was worried at first because he’s so much older than you, but it feels like he cares about you a lot. You can tell by the way he looks at you.”

  Eren slowly swallowed, turned his head and looked into the fire. He rubbed his hands over his face, dragged them through his hair. He wanted to admit it, tell his friends how he really felt about Levi, but it seemed unfair when he hadn’t told Levi yet. As if he was keeping a secret, and until he shared it with Levi, he couldn’t share it with anyone else.

  “I care about him a lot too,” Eren finally whispered. That felt wrong too. It wasn’t true because it was so much more than that, and it felt like a lie.

  “Seems like it’s more than only caring about him,” Armin pointed out.

  “It is,” Eren murmured. That wasn’t a lie, and he wasn’t sharing something that was meant for Levi to hear first.

  He thought about it for the rest of the time they spent on the beach. Thoughts filling up his head to the point that he couldn’t think of anything else, heart pounding when he and Levi returned back to their room and showered, almost blurted it out when he was putting pants on and looked up at Levi standing by the door.

  Levi was observing Eren quietly, leaning against the frame of the door leading outside in that too big sweater that was sliding off one of his perfect shoulders, hair down and flipped to one side how Eren liked it most. Looked like an angel dressed up by the devil himself, eyes dropping the protective impassivity they had when the two of them were with everyone else. The gates were open again, always open to Eren now, at least during those times when it didn’t seem like he was attempting to hide the same thing Eren was hiding now.

  Eren met his gaze, knowing he was looking expectant and probably a wreck, it was evident by the slight furrow in Levi’s brow as he watched Eren struggle to pull his shirt over his head.

  “You all right?” Levi asked softly.

  “I'm good,” Eren assured him. “It’s just been a busy day. Let’s go look at your pretty moon.”

  Getting on the hammock was precarious, but after some jostling and Eren nearly falling off and onto his ass, Levi was settled between Eren’s spread thighs, back pressed up against Eren’s chest, top of his head tucked up under his chin. They fit perfectly like this, and after Eren having been able to lean against Levi in this fashion earlier that night, he was glad to return the favor.

  He wrapped his arms around Levi’s middle, stretched his arm up across Levi’s chest so he could thoughtlessly trace fingertips over the gentle curve of his collarbone. Eren closed his eyes, tried to pay attention to Levi telling him about the constellations and the effect of the moon on tides through the buzzing in his head. There was a soft rock to the hammock every time either of them shifted, and the movement nearly teased the words from his mouth.

  Other things began to circle his mind as he struggled to find the best moment to try and say it. Considered things he hadn’t thought about in near two months, things he’d never asked Levi about because there hadn’t really been a point, but something Levi had said earlier when they were on the beach caused the curiosity to spike.

  His arms wound tighter around Levi, more in anticipation than anything else while he explained some superstition about the crescent moon. Typically Eren would have paid better attention, would have asked Levi questions, but instead, he quietly waited as patiently as he could for Levi to finish. Cringed slightly when he started squirming and began to rock the hammock too much.

  “What’s got you wiggling around so much back there?” Levi finally asked.

  The answer didn’t come right away. Instead, Eren rubbed his face against the crown of Levi’s head, wrapped his legs around Levi’s waist and gently squeezed before he found his all too often uncooperative voice.

  “The first time I met you…” Eren started, wet his lips before he continued, “why did you let me stay at the bar?”

  Levi scratched the back of his neck, flipped his hair and looked up at Eren quietly, just took him in for a few seconds before he answered, “when you came in and looked around, you got this amazing smile. It was like a shadow lifted. Like you were so happy and relieved or-“

  “I didn't think you noticed me come in,” Eren interrupted.

  Levi smirked. “I did. Anyhow, you had this beautiful smile that got bigger when you sat down and looked at me, and then when I said that you had to leave, it disappeared. You looked so disappointed, like the loneliest guy in the world. I wanted to see you smile again.”

  Eren blushed, couldn't help the way his lips quirked up no matter how much his eyes were beginning to sting. “I’m glad you let me stay.”

  “I was hoping you’d come back, but you never did,” Levi softly explained, sounded solemn before he was quiet again, opened his mouth, but nothing came out at first, and he looked back up at the sky. “I dreamed about you.”

  “I thought about you all the time after that night,” Eren admitted. He’d never told Levi that before, never let him know how quickly the feelings had struck him. “At least we ran into each other at the store.”

  “Maybe it was fate or some shit like that,” Levi shrugged. “I don’t usually believe in that crap… but I don’t know… I don’t dream about bar customers either. It was weird… you were at the store that day and I’d just been thinking about you again that morning. If the universe shoves people together to give them a chance to have something, maybe it pushed you into my life. Maybe it kept reminding me of your existence. Or maybe it forced me into your life.”

  “Maybe… I’m only glad it happened,” Eren whispered. “So when you offered me the ride? There was more to that than only being kind.”

  “Yes,” Levi admitted.

  “That’s sweet,” Eren said and kissed the top of Levi’s head.

  There was a comfortable quiet between them, but Eren could feel Levi’s body was tense, how it stayed that way. Like he was wound up and was waiting for the perfect moment to let himself go.

  “What is it?” Eren prodded quietly.

  “It wasn't the first time I had seen you,” Levi revealed.

  “What do you mean?” Eren asked.

  Levi sighed, didn’t sound like he was annoyed, more like Eren had caught him. It was the same kind of sigh Eren always heard from Levi before he pulled more out of him than he’d planned on saying.  

  “I used to see you walk past the bar on your way to the bus stop. You always had this sad smirk, and there was something about you that made me stop whatever I was doing and watch,” Levi admitted. “I recognized you as soon as you walked in that night. It felt sort of like it was meant to be.”

  This was the kind of confession he wouldn't have expected from Levi, for him to peel everything back, and it felt like it was all falling into place.

  Eren wanted to say it so badly, looked down at Levi looking up at the moon, arm resting on his knee, fingers tight in a fist, ran his fingers up its length until he found a hand to tangle with his own. The way Levi’s fingers knotted around Eren’s as he pressed their hands against Levi’s chest filled him up with affection, something more. Eren tipped his head down, lightly kissed the edge of Levi’s ear, made sure he placed his lips as close as he could. If Eren said this, he could say it only once until he heard it back, he could only say it to Levi, not out into the aether, not for the universe to hear.

  His back tightened as the words jolted from where he’d safely stowed them inside, and settled on his tongue, waiting, but instead of cowering or second guessing, he wrapped himself more around Levi, pulled him snugger against his body. Slipped fingers into Levi’s hair with his free hand, tried to breathe past the anxiety and bit his lip.

  “I love you,” Eren whispered against Levi’s ear.

  He felt Levi stiffen for barely a moment before he relaxed and tilted his head back up to look at him.

  “Love you too, Brat,” Levi breathed before he stretched his neck farther back, brushed his lips against Eren’s. It sounded so casual and natural like he had said it to Eren thousands of times before.

  “Thank you,” Eren said, the banned phrase slipping out of his mouth without thought.

  Levi only laughed, “I’ll let that one slide since I’m relieved you finally said it.” He swallowed hard before he glided his lips lightly across Eren's. “Took you long enough.”

  Eren sat forward slightly, fingers tangling tighter into raven hair as he looked down at Levi. “You knew?”

  “Of course I did,” Levi said close to Eren’s mouth, not backing off a hair.

  “Why didn't you tell me?” Eren asked, felt a bit stupid and exposed. He’d worried over this for weeks, probably for longer than that and hadn’t consciously realized it. Levi had it all figured out and hadn’t said a word while Eren twisted in the wind, afraid to say it.

  “Because you were confused,” Levi explained, grasped Eren’s chin and ran his thumb across it. “You wouldn’t have worked it out yourself if I said it first. I didn't want you to feel obligated to tell me before you were sure. Don't be angry with me.”

  Eren sighed, Levi wasn't wrong, and he felt the tension slowly drain away, looked down into Levi’s eyes. The facade was gone again, all he saw reflected back was honesty and love, and Eren relented before he leaned down and kissed Levi as if he was claiming him. Marked everywhere he could reach inside with his tongue, teeth catching on lips, ignoring the need for air until they were both lightheaded.

  When Eren pulled back, Levi’s eyes looked glassy, like he was going to cry. He barely ever seemed like that. It was so open it nearly hurt with how much it made Eren’s heart swell. Expanding with the tang of bittersweet settling in Levi’s expression, in eyes that said ‘never leave me,’ and he wondered what had been so painful in Levi’s life that a kiss had him looking like the love could crack him in half at any moment.

  “I wanted to say it for a long time,” Eren admitted.

  “I know, but you weren't ready,” Levi said and settled his head back down against Eren’s chest, hiding a little before he continued, “you know you just admitted you love me under the moon on a beach with waves crashing nearby and shit.”

  “Yeah, sort of cheesy, huh?”

  “And it’s so uncool,” Levi whispered.

  “But it felt right at that moment,” Eren gently argued, turned his head to scowl down at Levi before the connection dawned on him. “Wait that’s from-“

  Levi cut him off, “lyrics from your song.”

  Eren laughed, “Wow Levi, that’s fucking sappy.”

  “I don't give a fuck about being cool, Brat,” Levi said, laced his fingers between Eren’s and let out a breath. “I warned you at the beginning of our first date that you would do this to me.”

  “I don't care if we’re uncool,” Eren said, kissed Levi’s head. “You know what would be cool though?”

  “What?” Levi asked, curiosity coming through.

  “Fucking on the beach,” Eren smirked. He knew exactly what Levi would say.

  “I don't want sand in my ass crack, or on my dick.” Levi turned over, looked past Eren’s shoulder and through the glass doors into their room. “This thing will rock all over the place, but that bed didn't seem half bad.”

  “But can you be quiet?” Eren asked, looked as pensive as he could while attempting not to laugh.

  “Can you?” Levi deadpanned.

  “No,” Eren admitted. “Do you care?”

  “No, and I’d bet my ass that Horseface will say he heard something at breakfast tomorrow morning regardless of whether he did or not anyway. He seems the type.” Levi carefully pulled himself off of Eren, stood up and looked down at him.

  “Wanna go to bed?”

  “Yeah,” Eren answered as Levi waited, somehow managed to get off the stupid hammock without falling on his face.

  Eren paused for a moment as Levi slid the door open, looked up at all the stars and smiled, heard the rush of the waves crashing against the shore. He felt like he’d kicked a weight straight out of his chest and something else had invaded the empty space. It filled him up, but it wasn't heavy, almost made him feel lighter. As if he could take Levi’s hand and they could both float up to the stars they loved staring at.

  “You know…” he called over his shoulder, heard Levi come to stand next to him, felt him take his hand. “We could cover the sounds with music.”

  “New Order?” Levi asked and sighed knowing he was defeated.

  Eren looked down, grinned the answer when Levi met his gaze and only rolled his eyes and smiled.


	12. Chapter 12

  None of the apartments they had looked at since they returned from their trip had been sufficient for Levi. Eren had come back from their weekend at the beach on a high, but it slowly plummeted with each appointment they went to. ‘Rickety windows,’ ‘too small,’ ‘wrong smells,’ ‘old carpet,’ and a ‘shifty guy’ on the corner. Each of these had been a reason the past two days to give up and check out the next one.

  Nothing was going to be good enough, ever, and that was painting Eren into a corner. He’d been trying to keep it together, attempted to stay positive, but it was beginning to feel like Levi was searching for a level of perfection that didn't exist at Eren’s price point.

  Levi’s concerns were valid, none of the units were great, a few barely acceptable, and each had left Eren with a grimy feeling from the mustiness and age. Old decrepit places and their lack of upkeep, leaving behind filth and that scent that could only be described as stale. It was the same with his current apartment, and though he hadn’t deluded himself into believing he’d find something that would remind him of a bright spring day or fresh laundry, he hadn't expected the search to go so poorly.

  He worried over it all on their entire ride home, which had been mainly quiet. The silence only breached when Eren periodically cleared his throat of scratchiness from lingering dust or when Levi would occasionally assure him that they’d find something next time. Eren wanted to believe it, believe that there was some truth to those words, in the gentle brushes over his leg and across the back of his hand that accompanied them.

  Most often, any words from Levi lifted Eren from his haze, but it was reminding him of the day he first discovered the ceiling was leaking and Levi had to practically hold him down and force the comfort into him. The same day that Eren’s childishness had backed Levi against a metaphorical wall and that tender admission had passed his lips. When Eren had unknowingly pushed Levi to the edge, making him reveal those things he tried to keep stowed away inside. Explaining to Eren that without knowing he had, that he’d waited for him for so many years.

  Eren felt like he was going to fucking cry and he needed that again, needed something more than the casual shots in the arm Levi was offering. Not necessarily a confession from Levi, but those words that were always _right_ , the things Levi would say at those times when Eren was most distressed. When his usual sarcasm and brashness were tinged with eloquence and perfection, and it would make Eren’s worries fall away.

  He hadn’t gotten it, and he knew it was unfair to expect it, but that realization did nothing to stop his angstiness.

  He tried not to appear angry or frustrated as they arrived back home, but the way Eren sort of threw his wallet down on the counter and huffed didn't go unnoticed by Levi.

  “We’ll find something,” Levi assured him.

   Eren grit his teeth. Tried not to snap back at Levi, pressed his fingers to his forehead. “I doubt it.”

  Levi was rubbing his back, he was trying to be sweet and helpful and gentle, but all Eren wanted to do was throw something. Worse yet, he felt guilty for being annoyed with Levi in the first place.

  God, he was such an ungrateful brat sometimes.

  Levi had helped him with his apartment, helped him with that fucking landlord, helped him clean the mess from the ceiling. He let him sleep at his house all the time, gave him a job, bought him his favorite cereal, paid for his groceries when he was short at the store. Levi did this all because he cared and because he loved him, and Eren was ready to shuck his hand away in exasperation.

  Still, even through the guilt, it didn’t stop Eren from considering there may be more to Levi’s apparent disgust with every place they toured than what it appeared to be on the surface.

  “There has to be something acceptable,” Levi said, pulled Eren back from that self-loathing that began to wash in.

  “Some of the apartments were acceptable,” Eren bit back, instantly felt like an asshole, but he didn't stop. “I could have taken the weed apartment or the one you thought was too small. And the one with the weirdo on the corner, I mean it’s not like I’m some pussy who can't kick someone’s ass if I have to. I can defend myself. I can take care of myself.”

  “I don’t think you’re a pussy,” Levi whispered. “They weren't good enough.”

  “Levi,” Eren groaned. “None of them are ever going to be good enough for you.”

  “I don't want you in some shitty place.”

  “But you think everything’s shitty,” Eren huffed. “I know you're trying to help, but I’m not going to find some beautiful place like this!” 

  “I know that,” Levi said.

  “Sometimes it feels like you don't want me to find something.” It had been bothering Eren since the week before, the inkling that Levi was far too picky. Not that he was sabotaging his search, but that maybe he didn't really want Eren to move. His current apartment was right around the corner. That left Eren nearby, and none of the other places had been in the neighborhood. Perhaps Levi would subconsciously hate any apartment that moved Eren farther away.

  The units they’d recently looked at weren’t exactly far, but they weren’t as close, and Eren knew it wasn’t going to be the same. He wouldn’t be able to walk out his door and be at the bar in less than ten minutes. It felt wrong to him, so it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility that it felt wrong to Levi as well.

  Levi’s expression didn't leave him with many doubts that he was correct either. It was tense, but his eyes had that glossy look they sometimes got when he seemed sad or nervous, or the emotions between them were too big and delving to handle. He looked how he did when he’d hide his face in Eren’s chest, but this time something different was tumbling around alongside it.

  “Do you not want me to find a new apartment?” Eren asked, so quiet, he barely heard his own voice. Wasn't even sure he’d said it aloud.

  Eren observed Levi, watched as he bit his lip for a moment and scanned his eyes anywhere but Eren’s face.

  “I guess I don't,” Levi whispered, met Eren’s eyes, then looked down at his hands. “Live with me instead?”

  When Levi looked back up at Eren, he looked as petrified as Eren had been feeling a few months before. The urge to scream ‘yes,’ and practically knock Levi over with a hug was present, but it didn't come.

  Levi shifted under the weight of Eren’s gaze. “You aren't messy, you stay here all the time anyway, and I like having you around. I mean, you’d have to wake up to my face every morning…but you don't seem to mind it.”

  Eren wanted to answer him, but nothing came out. His feet wouldn't move, and his heart jumped into his throat. Mouth opening soundlessly as he watched Levi’s expression slowly dropping to something pained and sorrowful as the moments ticked on.

  He could have a place to call his own, a home with Levi, but it was downright terrifying. This should have been something he was squealing about. Instead, his mind was filled with fear that only spewed 'what ifs’ and trepidation around like a broken faucet. He’d thought about this on more than one occasion, desired it secretly deep down inside, but it paralyzed him with an indescribable anxiety.

  If he did this, if he took this step, if they acknowledged that they actually loved each other so much that they were going to make a life together, Eren’s entire being would be torn asunder if it didn’t go right. In doing this, he would be handing over everything he was to Levi.   

  It wasn’t only the concern over him having nowhere to go if something happened between them either, it was more his emotions, and that stupid fragile heart that was currently beating crazily in his chest.

  Levi was fidgeting, and Eren couldn't get his obstinate mouth to work. If anything told Eren that Levi loved him more than the words themselves, it was how Eren could reduce the man standing before him to this. How that cold, uncrackable façade would crumble away with such ease. He supposed it had been like that from almost the beginning, though he saw what was behind that eroding shell more and more each day. It both made him happy and hurt him simultaneously. That he had such an effect on Levi, that only a look or a silent moment could tear Levi in two.

  It was a gift that Levi placed his heart in Eren’s hands so freely, but one that came with tremendous responsibility. Something Eren knew he should never take lightly.

  “Forget I said it,” Levi sighed, sounded like Eren had just crushed him. “I wasn't trying to make you move too fast. I told you I’m not good at this part. I suck at it.”

  The expression on Levi’s face was so dejected, and it was breaking Eren’s heart. Even still, nothing came as more reasons to be apprehensive shot to the forefront of his mind. Levi had this great apartment and a business and money to take care of himself, and Eren really had nothing to offer. His used furniture wouldn’t even be worth moving over. He could barely take care of himself, let alone contribute an equal part to a household.

  “Fuck! Why do you make me so scared that I say everything?” Levi groaned at Eren’s silence then ran his hands harshly through his hair.

  That painfully defeated expression was too much, and Eren found his voice again and sighed. “Why do you make me so scared that I don't?”

  Levi wasn't looking at him, took a long look out the window, rubbed his fingers across his eyes, before he was peering down at his shoes instead, and whispered, “What are you so scared of?”

  _Being alone again._

_Being without you._

  “Look at me,” Eren said.

  Levi didn’t look at first.

  “Levi, please,” Eren pleaded, nearly lost his nerve when hurt grey eyes met his. “I love you, and that scares the fuck out of me.”

  The way Levi’s eyes went from fearful to something entirely different was enough to cause Eren’s own to burn, and all he wanted to do was move through the few feet between them and pull Levi tight against him, but his body still wouldn't cooperate.

  “I love you too, that’s why I want you with me,” Levi said as he stepped toward Eren, sliding his arms around him, and Eren concentrated on the feeling of Levi’s warm breath fanning out against the top of his chest.

  “I don't like sleeping without you anymore,” Eren confessed, just breathed Levi in and buried his face in his hair.

  “Does that mean you want to move in here?”

  Eren nodded against Levi. It was still scary, but everything with Levi was scary. Not because anything was wrong, but because the thought of ever losing him was already something he couldn’t handle. “Yeah.”

  “Really?” Levi asked, and he sounded so guarded, so careful. “Why didn’t you say anything then?”

  “You make it hard for me to talk sometimes,” Eren admitted. “And I don’t have anything to give you. I have nothing good to bring here or much money. I don’t want you to feel like you have to take care of me.”

  “I didn’t ask because I think you can’t take care of yourself. I asked because I want you with me. I want to fall asleep with you every night and wake up with you in the morning. I’d live in a cardboard box with you, Brat.” Levi pressed his face harder against Eren’s chest. “Aww fuck, I’m saying too much shit and sounding like a sappy douche-bag again.”

  “I don't care,” Eren said. “I’ll never mind when you do that.”

  “I’m sorry,” Levi whispered. “I should have asked you sooner instead of dragging you around to look at all those slums.”

  “Yeah, and I should have told you I love you earlier.” It was the first time Eren had admitted it to anyone, including himself. “We need to stop that.”

  Levi only shook his head, it was almost imperceptible, but Eren felt it just the same, held Levi like something was trying to steal him away from where he was tucked in his arms.

  This was the last thing Eren expected when he woke up this morning, but when he thought about it, he realized he shouldn't have been as caught off guard as he was. He’d spent less and less time away from Levi since they had started dating, hadn't been separated at all after they’d come back from the beach.

  It went against everything he’d fought for in the beginning. His need to stay independent, his fears that it was all moving too fast. It wasn't turning out as he feared, though. This was the natural progression of things…at least for them.

  He wasn't losing himself like he thought he would, more like he found his other half and they sort of unthinkingly slotted themselves together slowly, the realization only occurring right before the snap when they slid fully into place.

  Eren didn’t feel like he was home when he was alone at his apartment anymore, and he didn’t only feel at home when he was in Levi’s apartment. It felt like home anywhere Eren was when he was with Levi. It was something he had realized when they’d woken up the first morning at the beach house. Opened his eyes to find Levi watching him, face adorned with that loving smirk and soft eyes he only allowed Eren to see.

  Even through the near argument, through the fear, through that nastiness that he was certain had settled on his skin earlier that day, Eren felt like he was right where he belonged. He was sure this was going to be okay.

  “I feel gritty,” Eren finally said, cracking the quiet between them. “It’s muggy, and that last apartment was dirty.”

  “I think my idiosyncrasies are rubbing off on you,” Levi pointed out but didn't pull his face away. “Wanna take a bath? A real bath?”

  It had been several years since Eren had soaked in a tub, and the day took on a more surreal color as he slipped into the water in front of Levi only to be instantly plastered against his chest. The day had begun with hope, slid down into disappointment, almost spun into an argument, and now he was in a warm steamy tub with his boyfriend trying to figure out the easiest way to get out of a lease.

  Being in love was work, emotionally taxing, but at the same time, the most wondrous and beautiful thing Eren had experienced in his life. He loved the hard parts- the parts that ripped him up inside- as much as he loved the kisses and ‘I love you’s.' As much as he adored the looks and the quiet comfort that settled over him during moments like these.

  Those times when Eren would stifle his breath as much as possible, see if he could hear Levi’s heartbeat as it quickened and thumped against his back. Hear it over the breaths that grew deeper and panted across his neck.

  The day’s tension tried to disappear, and Eren allowed it, wasn’t going to sabotage himself or going to beat himself up about him and Levi’s conflict earlier in the day. His habit of ruining his happiness with dark thoughts and negativity was backing off as Levi placed kisses against his neck and edge of his ear.

  Eren could feel Levi squirm slightly behind him, stiffening cock pressing up against his lower back. It was enough to make him cry out, knowing where it would eventually lead. The place it always led to; that universe that only existed in the center between them, wrapped up protectively with their arms and legs as they tangled around each other. In shared breath and shared looks, that place between sweat slicked skin covered in barely whispered ‘I love you’s.’

  Eren felt more pent up than he had before, couldn't keep his mouth shut when Levi’s hands skimmed over the middle of his torso, one slipping upward toward his chest, the other delving deeper under the warm water and finding his dick.

  Levi’s hand wrapped around him, the other tweaking a nipple, wrung a scratchy groan from his throat. Eren swallowed down a moan, hips involuntarily rutting up into Levi’s hand. He felt like he was about to come, yet never would at the same time. Every minute brush of Levi’s body against his, every push of his breath against his cheek felt like hands pressing into his skin. Made him feel like he was completely wrapped up in Levi.

  “Are you gonna fuck me?” Eren whimpered, thrust up into the hand that was gliding over his cock again, chest rising, desperately trying to chase the fingers pulling at his nipple when they began to slip away.

  “Is that what you need?” Levi exhaled, voice thick and strained with his own arousal. “You want me to fuck you?”

  They hadn't tried that again, and though Levi was unaware of it, what was getting in the way before was no longer a problem. Eren hadn't pursued it in the last few days since he’d told Levi he loved him, they’d only continued doing it how they had been since the first time, but the desire to be beneath Levi hadn't waned for Eren.

  “Yeah,” Eren ground out after a moment, rubbed the back of his neck against where it was pressing on Levi’s shoulder, tried to feel the pulse in Levi’s neck beating in time with his own. He swallowed slowly, felt his cheeks tingle. “Other stuff too.”

  Levi ground up against his back, squeezed his dick a little harder.

  “What _stuff_?” Levi purred near Eren’s ear.

  Eren nearly shivered with the bashfulness, felt like his neck and chest were hot enough to turn the water in the bathtub to steam.

  “Tell me?” Levi prodded, tried to coax an answer from Eren when he pinched his nipple hard again, then circled his thumb lightly over it.

  Eren was aware Levi knew he liked that, and it wasn't hard to ask for it anymore. He didn't usually have to either. Levi knew Eren practically melted when he ran those maddeningly light touches over his skin. Pulling him up to the heights of hypersensitivity before pinching and scratching, delivering mild sparks of pain to nerves standing on end, then teasing the spots with feather light strokes afterward. It had Eren whining and begging each time. Made him even more pliable in Levi’s hands than when Levi would tell him what to do.

  He’d never told Levi he liked those things, didn't know he did until Levi started doing them. It was like he had dug around in Eren’s head, found something Eren didn't know was there, or maybe he was just that good at reading him, but what Eren was thinking about now was beyond this. More than mild bites and scrapes and pinches, more than Levi telling him to look at him.

  “It’s weird,” Eren managed, still not sure if he could get it out or explain it. He wasn't even sure what he wanted, Eren only knew he wanted something else.

  “When my cock tattoos were still sore, I jacked off ten times a day because I could give myself the best fucking handjobs I ever had in my life,” Levi admitted against his neck. “I doubt I’ll think it’s weird.”

  “I don't know,” Eren breathed.

  Levi jerked him again, dragged his thumb across his slit. “You don't know, or you don't think you can say it?”

  “Both?” It was hard to think through the fog, hard to focus with the way Levi was slowing stroking his cock, pinching him again.

  “More... _please_.”

  “Harder?” Levi asked, voice cracking right along with Eren’s, though Eren could tell from the way it sounded that Levi had managed to raise a brow regardless he couldn't see his face.

  “Yeah.”

  Eren’s shoulders jammed back against Levi’s chest as he whimpered, felt like his dick was going to explode when Levi applied more pressure to the already throbbing nub and twisted slightly.

  “You get off on the pain,” Levi panted in his ear, punctuating the statement with a thrust of his cock close to Eren’s ass.

  “Y-yeah,” Eren confessed, swallowed down half the word.

  “You want more, that’s what you're trying to say?”

  His voice was totally fucked from crying out, but he nodded quickly the affirmative.

  Levi was trying to help Eren figure it out, help draw it out of him. Eren knew what he was doing, knew Levi would do it when he started the conversation, and it was partly the reason he’d been so unclear, to begin with.

  “But that’s not all, is it?” Levi asked and drew a line of open-mouthed kisses up Eren’s neck.

  “No.”

  “Something more sinful than just this,” Levi said before he was pulling another whine from Eren as he twisted again.

  “Mmm,” Eren hummed, and his entire body flushed hotter.

  “I think I have an idea of what you need,” Levi quietly assured.

  There was something in the way Levi said it, something about Eren feeling like the decision was being taken out of his hands, that Levi was going to tell him. It made his whole body tense, warmth settled in his stomach, and his ass clenched around nothing as the yearning for Levi to be inside of him built.

  He rubbed his thighs together, barely able to keep still, sloshing water onto the floor. “ _Levi…_ I _need…I_ _like…_ ”

  “You like when I dominate you, you like light pain,” Levi breathed against his ear. “There are so many things I could do to you. Things I want to.”

  “ _Fuck_.”

  “It’s so tempting right now, but I don't want to do something you don't want.”

  “You can do anything to me,” Eren rasped, tried to stop panting so hard.

  Levi’s hands stilled as he huffed out a laugh, wrapped his legs around Eren’s waist, and ceased thrusting against him. “Your kinks leave a vast spectrum to work with.”

  “Yeah?” Eren asked, rubbed his cheek against Levi’s chest, felt slightly less bashful over the conversation.

  “You’re submissive sometimes, but not always. You like pain, but I’m not sure how much yet,” Levi started, then paused before his voice dropped to a whisper and he continued, “I could tie you up with silky little ropes, blindfold you, fuck you with toys and not let you come for hours. I could bend you around in stress positions, make you stay on all fours and whip the backs of your thighs. Maybe you’d thank me and beg for more, but I suspect you’d hate it and ask me to stop.”

  “Fuck most of that,” Eren groaned.

  “See, maybe that’s all too complicated and extreme, maybe you’d prefer my hand. Perhaps you’d get off if I demanded you lay over my lap and spanked you.”

  “ _Yes_ ,” Eren whined, slapped his hand over his mouth, screwed his eyes shut, and hid his face against Levi’s neck. He felt like his face was going to burst into flame, yet that did nothing to stifle his arousal, how Levi’s words bounced through his head, made his cock ache with the idea of it.

  “I thought so,” Levi softly said, ran his fingers through the hair above Eren’s cock. “Don’t be embarrassed, Brat. If you did that to me, I’d be whining like a bitch in heat and grinding my cock into your thigh like a whore.”

  “Yeah?” Eren breathed, turned his head so he could see Levi from the corner of his eye.

  Levi kissed Eren and gently brushed the bangs out of his eyes. “I may enjoy your reactions when I boss you around… and fuck… I really do want to spank the hell out of your ass, but it doesn't mean I wouldn't like the same treatment.”

  “I want that,” Eren barely managed, heart nearly slamming out of his chest. It wasn't possible his ribs could contain it.

  “I can give you that, but nothing too crazy this time,” Levi advised, ran his fingers up Eren’s neck. “You're wound up so tight already, I want to make you fall apart. I want you sweetly tonight.” 

  Eren’s breath caught in his chest, he tried not to whine, but the promise of both those soft loving touches that nearly made him boneless and ones that were a bit darker had him close to losing control of himself.

  He found the will to move his arms, pried fingers from their grip around the edges of the tub, reached into Levi’s hair and pulled him closer until their lips met.

  When they moved apart, Levi looked into his eyes carefully, quirked up his mouth barely. The expression beat back some of Eren’s embarrassment, made him feel more at peace with what he wanted, took the conflicting feelings away and filled him up the rest of the way with need.

  “Take me to bed,” Eren pleaded and nearly choked on the words.


	13. Chapter 13

  Eren stood in the bathroom, fought with shaking hands to dry off and wrap a towel around his waist. When they had gotten out of the tub, Levi had kissed Eren hard then departed to the bedroom, and Eren surmised it was to allow him to collect himself.

  He needed it. Needed a moment to try and breathe through the anticipation and the nervousness. He hadn’t planned on spilling it the way he had, but there had been too many times already when he’d stopped short of telling Levi. It was only a matter of time before it tumbled out.

  Perhaps it was the ups and downs of the day. How they’d been on the brink of an argument, only to dive into that deep pool of feelings, they often found themselves in, but the touches afterward had tapped into a place they hadn’t delved that far into before. It had his body feeling like static was crackling over it, and it had allowed Levi to pull him so far into it, then kick down that crumbling wall of inhibitions Eren still possessed. Left him wondering how he’d been so fucking brave.

  If Eren felt like his legs were too rubbery for walking when they were in the tub, he wasn't sure how he was going to make them move now. Levi’s words had him feeling all gooey, and he wished he could somehow magically transport himself to the bed.

  He took a deep breath, tried to disperse the haze that was clouding his head. Felt like the arousal had almost put him in an altered state of consciousness. Like he was drunk maybe. He was all fucked up on Levi, on that voice, how he spoke, the way his hands had known exactly what to do to him, the way he could dismantle him slowly, rendering him a panting mess who would confess all his secrets with barely a thought.

  Eren was still coming undone when he made it past the threshold of the bathroom, glanced across the room at Levi who was sitting on the edge of the bed in a towel waiting for him. His eyes were dark, lusty, but through that, Eren could see warmth and affection. The love he knew burned behind that nearly ferally aroused expression. His legs still felt unstable, but after the first step, it was like his body was on autopilot as he crossed the floor, came to stand in front of Levi, gulped down his breath, not sure what to do next.

  Levi looked up at Eren, took his hand and brought it to his lips. Pressed soft, feather light kisses to the backs of Eren’s fingers. Eren could feel Levi's hand trembling around his own, and it caused little shocks to ride up Eren’s arm, before they found their way into his chest, made him suck in a quick breath.

  There was a moment when Eren tried to break the surface of the haziness and figure out what to do, but Levi dropped his hand, reached forward, slid his fingertips across Eren’s hips, traced the curves around to his back, pulled him forward, and Eren couldn’t fucking think. Couldn’t stop the breathy cry that escaped his throat. Levi had him thoroughly keyed up, his skin so over-oversensitive that every touch no matter how small made his dick twitch and leak, and his lip trembled as he tried and failed to find something to say.

  Levi’s thumbs trailed back over Eren’s hip bones, tracing the dips of the muscles down Eren’s stomach before he looked up and met his eyes, leaned forward and kissed the skin over Eren’s already tensing abs.

  Eren’s chin fell to his chest, and he whined when Levi nipped just enough to pinch, soothed away the slight shock of pain with his lips and tongue. Eren’s fingers came up to tangle in Levi’s hair, felt like it took forever for them to make it from where they had been tensed at his sides to Levi’s head, and they twisted in raven locks when Levi bit at him again. Eren threw his head back and moaned high, barely noticed Levi’s hands were loosening the towel around his waist until he felt it sliding down his hips, then the caress of a breeze against his thighs as it fell to the floor.

  He closed his eyes tight, still couldn’t keep looking at Levi when he was watching him like that. They’d told each other ‘I love you,’ but it was too fond, too delving, far too intense for Eren to try and hold his gaze with what they were about to do. With what Eren was going to allow Levi to do to him, what he’d asked for.

  Eren felt himself sway slightly, nerves lighting up more when Levi slid his hands down his sides, fingertips coming around to brush over the top of his ass.

  It was as if Levi sensed how intoxicated Eren felt because he pulled him gently toward the bed to his right, and Eren climbed on, Levi leading him until Eren was kneeling beside him. Eren opened his eyes, heart feeling like it was going to shoot out of his chest when Levi looked up, and their eyes met once more.

  Levi’s hand slid around to the small of Eren’s back, fingers splaying out against his flesh. Reassuring, grounding Eren at that moment, tethering him to his lover to whom he’d completely laid out his desires for.

  “You still want this?” Levi asked softly. “You still need a spanking?”

  The way the word, ‘spanking,’ rolled off Levi’s tongue sounded so fucking debauched, the last syllable was drawn out and laced with sin. It made Eren’s cheeks burn, but the desire for it didn’t relent. If anything, it intensified.

  Still, Eren couldn’t say it, he could only nod, try to hold Levi’s eyes with his own so he could see, so he knew. He didn’t want Levi to ask him to confirm it verbally because Eren wasn’t sure he could. Eren wasn’t as bashful as he had been in the bathtub when he’d unthinkingly allowed that hissing little, ‘yes’ to escape his lips, but he felt so vulnerable, so open and exposed. More than he ever had in his life. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but it was so deep and profound, more than he was used to feeling at once.

  It’s why he was relieved when he felt Levi gently press his fingers into his back, coaxing him slowly down over his lap. Eren’s arms reached out, catching himself, palms drinking in the silky brush of fabric as he carefully lowered himself down. He immediately hid his face against the bed as he settled his weight across Levi’s legs, fingers knotting tightly into the sheets either side of his head as he let out a soft whine.

  Levi’s other hand was immediately in Eren’s hair, reverently combing through it, the other pulling him tight against his stomach before he laid it against Eren’s lower back, and began to explore the flesh over his spine.

  Eren wasn’t sure why he felt more at ease like this. If anything, he expected to feel more vulnerable, more exposed sprawled ass-up over Levi in the manner he was, but something was comforting about it. Maybe it was the way Levi’s hands moved over him, or because Eren could hide this way, but he found himself calming, his heightened senses backing off enough that his arousal came back full force and he began to rock slightly into Levi’s thigh, craving friction against his cock.

  “Relax,” Levi soothed as his right hand stilled Eren, “or you’ll come in two seconds.”

  Eren nodded his head into the bedding as he relaxed his hips, turned his face so he could look up at Levi from the corner of his eye. There was a hungry glint present, but Levi was infinitely patient and loving with Eren. Hand running up the expanse of Eren’s back, fingers gently kneading his neck when they reached it, and Eren let out a long slow breath as he closed his eyes again.

  His heart was still racing, and his nerves felt like they were in overdrive, but something in him unfurled and he no longer felt as if he was going to burst out of his skin, or like he had to rut against Levi’s leg to rid himself of the ache. It was still there, he was still hard, thoroughly aroused, but he’d found some patience, concentrated on the feeling of warmth from Levi’s lap, the sensation of his fingers gliding over his skin and through his hair, the sound of Levi’s voice when he whispered to him.

  “You look exquisite spread over me like this,” Levi exhaled, hand slipping down Eren’s back and circling lightly over his ass.

  Eren only hummed, rubbed his face into his arm, the admiration too much to take.

  “I’m going to tell you the rules, Eren,” Levi said, and Eren could hear how he strained to keep his voice even, relished in the knowledge that Levi was falling apart just as much as he was.

  “Yeah?” Eren breathed.

  Eren didn’t really want to hear the ‘rules,’ and although he knew very little about these things, he was aware there were protocols and guidelines that most people followed. He was mindful of the fact that Levi wasn’t going to do this without telling him what they were either. Levi loved him too much to risk hurting him or doing anything to make him uncomfortable.

  “This was spur of the moment, so you don’t have a safeword,” Levi explained, brushed his hand back over Eren’s ass again, and then gently squeezed. “We’re going to use colors tonight instead.”

  “Okay,” Eren said.

  Levi’s hand left his backside and was on his neck again, and he almost whined at the loss. He felt squirmy, wanted to demand Levi get to it. He considered doing so for a moment, hoping Levi would spank him in reprimand, but thought better of it. He trusted Levi, this was something Levi was experienced in, something Eren knew nothing about, but Levi was willing to teach him and help him explore it.

  Eren turned his head slightly, looked at Levi once more, was nearly sure Levi knew exactly what he had been debating about and was quietly waiting to see which direction he would go.

  “What color?” Eren huffed, finally letting go of his inner brat.

  Levi petted Eren’s hair again, breathed out a “good boy,” rewarding him for cooperating, and Eren sighed at the positive response.

  “If you want me to stop, say, ‘red.’ I’ll stop right away. If you don’t like it, if it’s too much, whatever the reason it doesn’t matter, I’ll stop. You don’t have to say why or justify it, and I want you to say it if you need to.”

  “Alright,” Eren whispered, looked up at Levi from the corner of his eye again. Smiled a little when Levi’s eyes met his and his lip quirked.

  “If you don’t want me to stop, but slow down or back off, say, ‘yellow,’ and what you need from me. Do you understand?” Levi asked. “I’ll keep going softer and slower, and you say, ‘green’ when it’s okay again, or if it’s not, say, ‘red.’ Whatever you want, you have to let me know.”

  “Why can’t I just say ‘stop?’” Eren asked, held Levi’s gaze, tried not to rub his dick into his leg when he felt Levi’s hand settle over his ass again.

  Levi smiled almost devilishly, tugged gently on Eren’s hair until Eren nearly purred. “Because some people enjoy pretending that it’s a punishment and that they don’t want it. They like to beg and plead, but they don’t really want it to stop, so ‘stop’ doesn’t work. We don’t know if you’d like that or not, but in case you get the urge, we wouldn’t want to ruin it.”

  Eren wasn’t entirely put off by the idea of that game, but he couldn’t contemplate it, he didn’t want to think, he only wanted Levi to start. More so when Levi’s hand slid over his ass then disappeared. He anticipated the first strike, waiting, body tensing, dick grinding into Levi’s leg, wondering when it would come, but it didn’t. Instead, Levi’s hand was back, petting his ass again.

  “Are you green?”

  “Yes. Fuck yes,” Eren breathed, any pretense of hiding his eagerness sliding away.

  Levi continued in the same fashion after Eren’s confirmation, lightly stroking over Eren’s behind with his fingertips before they would skitter away, returning after different intervals of time. Wound Eren up even tighter, leaving his skin feeling like it was reaching out for Levi’s touch. When they were back upon him again, it was only for a moment before they departed once more and Eren felt the first swat half a second later.

  A surprised yelp escaped Eren’s mouth with the shock, and he felt his cock twitch where it was trapped between his stomach and Levi’s thigh. He hadn’t expected it to come when it did, and that made it more jarring, not in a way that made him uncomfortable, but one that left him wholly craving the next.

  There was a pause before the second. One that caused Eren to whimper, a whimper that hitched and drew out when the blow finally came, followed by another strike across his ass. They weren’t particularly hard, just hard enough to leave a tingle followed by the slightest bit of warmth. Levi continued this way for several more, each spank falling upon Eren’s skin minutely harder.

  “More,” Eren exhaled, sounded like he was begging because he already was.

  Levi breathed out a small laugh, paused the spanks for a moment to pinch Eren’s ass before he admonished, “I’m warming you up, Brat. Be patient,” and followed it up with a smack twice as hard as the last.

  “Fuck,” Eren whined, hips jerking pleasantly into Levi’s lap.

  Levi’s tone had been loving, but there was something darker behind it, that dominance Eren at times craved from Levi. If it could have made his dick any harder, it would have. It didn’t matter that Levi was hitting him, Eren felt like Levi was taking care of him, worshipping him, no matter how much a small part of Eren felt like the act should feel contradictory to that.

  Even as the strikes began to come faster, the force slowly ramping up with each stroke to his already smarting behind, Eren felt affection from Levi the same as he did when he held him, whispered how much he loved him in his ear.

  He felt like he was falling into a haze, one that didn’t cloud the experience. More, it left him heady, body buzzing pleasantly when Levi increased the force once again, driving Eren’s dick harder against his thigh and leaving his ass burning. He drew out the time between each hit, allowing Eren to feel the full spectrum of the pain before he gave him another that was especially hard, and Eren’s breath caught in his throat. He sunk down further into himself as Levi’s palm shifted to the more sensitive spots where his ass and thighs met, almost entranced by the sound of the smacks echoing loudly off the walls, the tone of his own breaths, the higher pitched whimpers falling from his lips after each strike.

  Eren could feel the ridge of Levi’s hard cock against his hip, hear how his breathing would become uneven occasionally when the force of the spank would push Eren’s body harder against his dick. Still, Levi didn’t thrust up against him, didn’t seek out friction, only focused solely on Eren and giving him what he needed, ignoring his own hunger for the time being.

   Something about that knowledge caused it to become more emotional. Levi was walloping Eren quite hard now, but Eren felt relieved, as if all of his stress from earlier that day, the near argument, and everything that he’d built up inside in recent years was subsiding. Like it was healing those scars he still wore inside, soothing his worries and stress. His eyes stung right along with his bottom, but it wasn’t because of the pain, it was because he was finally granted some release from the tension inside.

  It was as if Levi sensed it, because his free hand was back, combing lovingly through Eren’s hair once again as the other continued reddening Eren’s ass with hard, slow strokes across the center of his backside.

  “So perfect,” Levi whispered, ran his free hand down Eren’s spine while the other continued raining down slaps. “You’re so good, so beautiful like this.”

  Eren cried out at the words, mewling shamelessly at Levi’s praise, preened at how Levi was pleased with how well he was taking it even with the increase in intensity. Eren didn’t always feel perfect, in fact, he often felt anything but, although when Levi said those things, he could believe them.

  He rutted his hips into Levi’s leg harder, faster, the rhythm setting a pace quicker than the speed of the whacks to his now throbbing behind. There was a moment Eren contemplated saying ‘yellow,’ not sure if he would be able to take any more, but the tingling burn was so good, and he needed it, needed more, needed it harder as he felt the pressure in his cock building.

  The disconnect from the sappiness which was usually between them never came. Eren’s expectation that this would be purely sexual, carnal satisfaction was thoroughly destroyed, and he invited it regardless of how surprising it was. The part which earlier had felt like physical need was replaced when the revelation that it was something more pummeled into Eren. The connection between he and Levi deepening even as Levi threw down hit after hit against Eren’s searing flesh. To Eren, it felt as if they had crossed into something more profound, like Levi was claiming him, making Eren his.

  Where in the beginning, Eren’s body had been slightly stiff, both due to being overwound with arousal and that slight bit of trepidation, he now found his body in a fluid state with this discovery. One that made his limbs feel like jelly as he sunk deeper still into something that felt like nirvana.

 When Eren opened his eyes and looked up at Levi, he didn’t see lust. Levi’s brows were turned down in a determined frown, but the soft appearance in his steely eyes betrayed the feeling behind them. The mask was gone, as it so often was now, but the look was so devoted, and there was a depth to it far beyond the concentration that was etched onto his features.

 “Such a pretty shade of red,” Levi admired.

  “I love you,” Eren stuttered out, voice hitching through the strikes, as his arm snaked around Levi’s back and tensing fingers gripped at his hip. Eren had to hold Levi, needed to have some kind of contact that was less passive than the feeling of his skin against Levi’s towel-clad legs. He hungered to embrace Levi, to press fingertips into soft skin stretched over the taut muscle beneath.

  In response, Levi’s free hand found its way back up into Eren’s hair, knees rising up a couple inches, pushing Eren tighter against his body. “I love you, too.”

  Levi sounded like he was fighting to keep going, voice watery, and Eren was sure if they weren’t hanging onto each other they’d topple over onto the floor and melt into each other. He wanted the loving abuse to continue, but he wanted so much to hold Levi as well. Felt like it was possible to fly up into the sky, or swim down to the floor of the ocean. Like he’d spin away without Levi holding him there.

  He was so close, the pain teetering on the edge of too much again, but every time Eren thought he couldn’t endure more, he’d find himself wanting it harder. He felt like he could take it longer, but that telltale feeling of his balls tightening, muscles bunching up made it clear he was moving closer to coming. He couldn’t control the rhythm of his hips any longer as they involuntarily sped up, and he began grinding his cock harder across Levi’s leg.

  “Such a good brat,” Levi hummed, nearly cooing his approval, and it was those words that finally had Eren sobbing his orgasm into the bed as he spilled his seed over Levi’s lap. He didn’t stop rutting his dick into Levi’s leg, and Levi didn’t cease spanking him, backed off the perfect amount as his hand met Eren’s flesh three more times before gently rubbing the abused skin while Eren rode out the remainder of his climax.

  Eren was panting, heart hammering in his chest while he tried to suck as much oxygen into his starved lungs as possible. His entire body tingled, could feel his pulse thumping across his stinging ass even as Levi continued gently stroking the skin there.

  “God, you’re beautiful,” Levi whispered. His hand slipping up into Eren’s hair as he stretched his torso across Eren’s back and pressed kisses to his neck.

  Eren pushed up against the silky lips sliding across his skin, whined quietly and squirmed when Levi gently nipped there. Eren couldn’t find words, his body, and heart still reeling with the sentiment and endorphins.

  It was only when Eren felt Levi rest his cheek against his shoulder and his breathing had begun to even out that Eren wet his lips, took a shaky breath, and spoke.

  “Thank you,” Eren sighed, voice hoarse from crying out.

  “Did you like that?” Levi quietly asked, warm breath fanning out over Eren’s skin before he pressed his lips against Eren’s flesh once more.

  “Yeah,” Eren admitted. He wasn’t uncomfortable with it, but there was still a touch of bashfulness tinging the words.

  Levi sat back, and Eren’s eyes met his before Levi was swiping a thumb over Eren’s cheek. Eren hadn’t noticed the wetness there until Levi had wiped it away. Eren’s eyes had burned for a time during the spanking, but he hadn’t realized that he’d actually shed any tears, and Eren hadn’t yet been able to concentrate on why he reacted that way, to begin with.

  “Did it hurt that much?” Levi asked.

  Eren had followed the ‘rules,’ though he hadn’t said red or yellow, nor had he felt the need to, but he could hear the concern in Levi’s voice.

  Eren could feel his cheeks heat up, felt as if they were competing with his still burning backside, but he swallowed down the slight touch of embarrassment.

  “It hurt, but… But, I liked it. I wanted it to hurt,” Eren confessed.

  Levi brushed Eren’s hair away from his face, still looking slightly concerned, though he didn’t voice what he was thinking. It was more like he was giving Eren the chance to say what he wanted without forcing him.

  “I got a little emotional, I think,” Eren offered. “I don’t know why, but it made me feel better, like a release or something.”

  Levi leaned forward and kissed Eren’s forehead. “Sometimes this shit isn’t totally a sex thing, you understand? Sometimes it’s deeper than that.”

  Eren felt like a crybaby to a degree, but he understood what Levi was getting at. Things had been so dark for him for such a long time. He couldn’t explain why, but he felt like he’d been healed a bit. Not only that, but the experience was important because he felt as though he and Levi had deepened their connection with each other, and that had a profundity to it that made him feel like his heart was overflowing. It was soul-stirring, even more, due to the knowledge that he was finally going to experience Levi taking him instead of the other way around.

  It felt as if somehow with that act, everything would be sealed, there would be no walls between them anymore.

  He slowly pulled himself off of Levi’s lap, cautiously settling back on his sore ass before he was leaning forward and wrapping his arms around Levi.

  Levi’s lips were immediately against Eren’s neck, the weight of his body gently pushing Eren back against the mattress in reply as Eren pulled the towel from Levi’s hips. His dick wasn’t hard again yet, but the feeling of Levi’s still stiff cock sliding against his thigh, teased at the prospect of filling him, and it was causing his own dick to stir.

  Eren’s need for Levi’s dominance and the pleasurable pain he delivered was sated for the time being, but now Eren craved something different.

  “Make me yours, Levi…”

   

 

 

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

  Eren felt Levi’s lips move against his skin as he spoke.

  “You’re already mine, Brat.”

  His heart fluttered at those words. He could hear Levi say it a thousand times and never tire of it. Someone wanted Eren to belong to them, thought him precious enough to make sure he knew.

  “I know, but-“

  “ _But_ … I understand what you mean,” Levi cut him off, hissed in a breath through his teeth, eyes boring into Eren’s, serious, earnest. “It’s not as if I haven’t wanted this, that I haven’t thought about it… a lot.”

  Eren’s mouth refused to cooperate, a bevy of words jumbled between his head and lips that wouldn’t form a sentence. He still felt too sensitive, whatever had happened while Levi was spanking him hadn’t completely settled yet. It was as if a bandage had been removed leaving new freshly healed skin beneath, delicate to the elements. Everything adoring that Levi said was drilling into him a little deeper than usual, swiped over feelings that felt as though they had nothing shielding them anymore. It left him once again with that unassailable urge to cry, and though he swore he wouldn’t allow any more tears to fall that day, his eyes burned in disagreement no matter how much he attempted to control them.

  After being so alone, feeling his self-worth slip away like it was nothing, Levi’s worship was at times overwhelming. Not unpleasant, not painful or something Eren would change, but it was always hard to contemplate a person caring about him in this fashion to this degree.

  “You’re so quiet,” Levi whispered, face nudging affectionately at Eren’s neck as he placed soft kisses there.

  Eren swallowed hard, averted his eyes for a beat before forcing himself to look at Levi.

  “Remember how I told you that sometimes you make it hard to talk?” Eren asked.

  “You don’t have to talk,” Levi assured before stretching his neck forward and speaking against Eren’s ear, “I didn’t mean it like that.”

  Eren often found himself befuddled and tonguetied, not unlike now or when Levi had to draw his desires out of him earlier that day. “I wish I could say things back to you though,” Eren confessed.

  Sometimes, Eren wondered how a person like Levi who usually didn’t say things in the best manner to most people could always find the perfect words for him. If anything, Eren expected Levi to be the one stumbling and attempting to find a way to convey what he was feeling, but most of the time it was the opposite. Maybe they were both completely fucked up. Perhaps they were both blindly staggering through, and it only worked because they were a mess together.

  Eren wasn’t so sure, but he knew he wouldn’t change any of it. Wouldn’t make himself feel any more sure of himself or Levi any less snarky, wouldn’t find a way not to hide when it was all too much, wouldn’t find a way to say all the things he couldn’t put words to.

  Even now while Levi’s fingers reached for all the skin they could feel, tongue and lips and teeth slipping over Eren’s jaw as he ground himself slowly against Eren’s rapidly hardening dick, Eren knew Levi could read what was hidden beneath the surface without him verbalizing it.

  Still, Levi was trembling, Eren could feel that. It was something he didn’t quite completely understand when they were like this. It didn’t happen every time they found themselves wrapped up in each other, but sometimes Levi’s body felt like it were about to shake apart. Eren always wondered why that was considering that Levi had so much more experience in everything than he did, but he gathered it wasn’t necessarily from a feeling of nervousness or anxiety, but more something akin to what Eren usually felt. The sense of being tremendously overwhelmed.

  Levi pulled away for a moment, and Eren could help letting out a needy whimper. The familiar routine of Levi reaching into the bedside table felt different this time because Eren could see Levi’s hands shaking, fingers quaking even harder as he kneeled back between Eren’s legs, tensing fingers clutching a condom and lube.

  Eren closed his eyes. If he watched Levi being that fragile, he was going to start with that accursed crying again. It was too much, and the feelings were far too big to grasp. His eyes stayed glued shut as Levi stretched him, Eren instinctively finding Levi’s lips as his heels dug harder into the bed. There was a degree of hunger that normally wasn’t as pronounced with the anticipation of what would come shortly, and Eren fought to control himself, struggled to keep himself from making demands out of impatience. There was more than one occasion when Levi had to gently press Eren’s frantically rising body back into the mattress as his hips bucked up trying to chase Levi’s fingers each time they retreated.

  He only allowed his eyes to flutter open when Levi’s fingers finally left his body and didn’t return, struggled to watch through the faint light of twilight as Levi rolled down a condom before he was draping himself back over Eren again.

  Levi had readied Eren’s body well, and instead of traces of nervousness and trepidation, there was unrestrained eagerness when Eren felt the head of Levi’s cock pressing against his ass. The only indication that this was anything new to Eren was the way his fingers bruisingly gripped Levi’s forearms as he slowly slid inside.

  Levi’s forehead was pressed against Eren’s brow, but their height difference caused him to shift lower as he buried himself balls deep while nipping lightly at the base of Eren’s throat.

  “Fuck,” Eren breathed as he felt their hips meet in a way unlike how they had before. It wasn’t painful, just felt different than Levi’s fingers, perhaps more intense, certainly fuller, but Eren’s grip on Levi’s arms relaxed when Levi looked up at him. Green met stormy grey, completely open for Eren once more before he was pulling back and pushing inside again.

  Eren bit his lip, swallowed down the loud whine that was attempting to creep up his throat. As much as he knew it wasn’t possible, he couldn’t help the fear that the customers in the bar below would hear him, especially with the window behind the bed cracked slightly open.

  Levi wasn’t rough or hurried, and Eren fought to keep eye contact with him when he’d pull away from where he’d been mouthing his flesh to just look into him before he’d hide his face against Eren’s chest again. Although, the worry over sounds carrying, and the initial shock was replaced rapidly with that overly sentimental feeling once more, and Eren found his eyes stinging again, curled his shoulders up and tried to hide his face against Levi’s neck when he couldn’t keep them from overflowing.

  Unlike usual, Levi didn’t allow Eren to conceal himself this time, pulled away just enough that Eren couldn’t keep his face buried.

  “Okay?” Levi asked, slowed to a gentle grind, swiped his thumbs over Eren’s cheeks, though he didn’t say anything about the tears.

  Finding words to describe the somewhat indescribable feeling took Eren a moment, especially given that Eren could still feel Levi’s cock moving inside of him, which was distracting. His body involuntarily rutted against Levi’s hips in an attempt to get him deeper while he battled to wet his dry mouth and say something or keep his feelings in check.

    Levi was looking at him, patiently, quiet and tender with just a hint of that secret smile on his face that had become so familiar to Eren over the past couple months. It was easier to find the words when Levi looked at him like that after the hungry expression disappeared, and all that was left was unending devotion behind hard shining eyes.

  Eren ground his teeth together, eyes straining upward before they settled back on Levi’s, fought the need to whimper for Levi to resume moving how he was before while trying to fight the stupid tears as he searched for a way to put his emotions into a sentence.

  “I’m fine, I just… my chest feels tingly or something, but it’s not because I’m sad,” Eren whispered through the sniffles and the breath getting stuck in his throat. “I guess I was wrong when I told you I didn’t cry all the time.”

  “And I said it wouldn’t be a problem if you did,” Levi said, pressed a kiss to Eren’s mouth and tangled his fingers in his hair when Eren raised his hands, stroked them down the sides of Levi’s face.

  “I love you,” Eren said, wrapped his arms tight around Levi’s shoulders, squeezed his legs around his waist, and lifted his hips closer to spur Levi into movement.

  “Love you too.” This time it wasn’t stuttered like usual or quiet or hitched, just smoothly whispered. Sounded more confident than it ever had before.

  Eren felt complete then.

  Perhaps Eren needed to verbalize it, needed to cease fighting against emotions he felt weren’t appropriate but clearly were if Levi’s reaction was anything to go by.

  Levi didn’t ask any more questions, only resumed moving inside Eren again the way Eren had longed for him to for what felt like far too long.

  The tears didn’t cease entirely, waves of affection overtaking Eren periodically until Levi hit that place inside and it was so fucking good Eren thought his entire body would melt, forgot his fear of the bar-goers hearing his cries as he shamelessly screamed his pleasure out into the loft. Levi had angled himself to keep hitting that place, and the drag of his cock over Eren’s prostate had Eren practically sobbing as his hands frantically tried to find a place on Levi to grab onto.

  His fingers slid across Levi’s back as he found some purchase, nails digging into his flesh, but Eren felt as if he was going to fly off the mattress. He couldn’t control his volume anymore, and he blushed realizing there was no point. Not with the way the sound of skin slapping skin filled the room, not with the way Levi was fucking him, not with how he was kissing him, trying to swallow down the sounds with his mouth, drinking in every whine like it was water.

  “Touch yourself,” Levi whispered against Eren’s jaw, tongue swiping soothingly over where he had just bit him.

  There was a desire to let it go on forever, but Eren couldn’t help sliding his hand down to his cock at Levi’s command. The need to come becoming too much to resist and the way Levi’s movements had shifted from smooth and rhythmic to something more desperate and uncontrolled told Eren that he wasn’t going to last much longer.

  Any impression Eren had that he’d be able to hold out due to already having come earlier were destroyed as his fingers wrapped around his dick. There was an uncontrollable shudder, and Eren could feel his ass clamp involuntarily around Levi’s cock as he began to stroke himself. It was as if someone had set off a row of dominoes. Eren trembled, Levi fucked him harder, his body tightened up everywhere, and Levi sped up in response until he was coming with a cry against Eren’s chest.

  Levi didn’t stop moving inside of Eren though, and the sound he made was so fucking lewd and needy it had Eren on the edge until he felt Levi’s hand bat his own away and slip around his dick. Levi continued fucking him, cock no doubt softening as he swiped his thumb up the underside of Eren’s length.

  Eren’s back bowed almost violently, toes curling into the sheets, entire body tensing to the point his legs were on the verge of cramping as he painted them both with come. He collapsed back against the bed, fighting the urge to pull himself up into a ball. Levi was still jerking him through it, and it was too much. He was about to swat Levi’s hand away before Levi let go, body sagging against Eren’s. Levi’s sweat-drenched skin feeling like it was fusing with his.

  Eren still couldn’t talk, but he raised a shaky hand to Levi’s head, brushed the wet hair off the back of his neck and face. His own labored breaths echoed off the walls, sounded nearly deafening like everything always seemed to in Levi’s apartment when it had to do with fucking.

  “I don’t know how you do that, you know,” Eren whispered through the hoarseness in his voice.

  “Do what?” Levi mumbled against Eren’s chest. He hadn’t even pulled out yet, and he sounded like he could barely move, let alone talk.

  “Let me keep fucking you like that after you come,” Eren explained. He’d been near throwing Levi off of him because of how over-sensitive he felt almost immediately.

  There was quiet. Levi didn’t respond right away, but Eren could hear his breaths deepen and slow. He sounded like he was thinking. Or at least what Eren thought it would sound like if he could listen to a person pondering something. It was only after a sigh that Levi said, “because I’m a deviant.”

  He seemed like he was holding back an uncomfortable laugh, but Eren could feel that dichotomous smirk against his chest.

  “I don’t think you are,” Eren said, ran the tips of his fingers down Levi’s spine.

  Levi shifted slightly, lifted his head so he could look at Eren, and Eren could see his expression change. Smirk dropping away entirely as his eyes narrowed and darted somewhere off to the other side of the room before they focused back on Eren again.

  “I used to have a lot of fucked up ideas about sex, Brat. The good thing is that I know now that they’re fucked up,” Levi said. “Now I’m just fucked up in other ways.”

  “I don’t think you’re fucked up,” Eren assured Levi, although, he had a suspicion Levi wasn’t going to relent.

  “Not as much as I used to be. There are reasons I stayed alone until the right person came along,” Levi quietly said. “There are reasons I’m not good at this, Eren. You don’t understand where I came from.”

  “You’re good enough for me, Levi. You’re perfect,” Eren whispered. He wanted it to be all Levi needed. “And I want to understand.”

  “I know you think I’m perfect, but I’m not. You’re the one getting the bad end of the deal in this,” Levi murmured, rubbed his face against Eren’s chest like he was trying to push something away before he looked back up at him.

  “I wish you didn’t always do that,” Eren softly hissed, and immediately wished he hadn’t.

  He could feel Levi’s fingers tense against where they were set on his ribcage, heard him swallow hard before he sighed, “I'm only trying to be straight with you.”

  There was something inside that told Eren to shut up, but as was often the case, he didn’t listen. Even through the lingering euphoria, despite the protesting thump in his chest that told him not to go any further, he persisted. “It feels like you’re pushing me away when you say things like that. Like I did something wrong.”

  “You didn’t fuck up, stop getting so upset,” Levi sniped against him. There was a huff, but it was accompanied by a gentle squeeze to his middle, Levi’s arms wrapping tighter around him. “I love you. I’m not trying to push you away or keep things from you, but I don’t want to talk about _this_ right now. I just want to lay on you and be gross and sticky, and procrastinate going down to check on the bar.”

  Eren clenched his eyes shut. He wanted to make the last few minutes go away, take back his words. He hadn’t meant to upset Levi.

  “Okay, I wasn’t trying to make you, but you’re the one who brought it up and-“

  “Drop it, for now, Eren,” Levi cut him off, fingers tensing more against Eren’s skin. “This is really shitty pillow-talk, you know.”

  The tone was something Eren had never heard Levi direct at him before. Panic and something that felt vaguely like embarrassment dug into his chest like a knife as the muscles in his torso pulled tight, tension rippling down through his arms and legs as he struggled to stay still and keep his mouth shut. Eren wanted to kick himself. Though, at the same time, he was perplexed. Levi had basically told him to shut up, but he was currently drawing tired little circles on his hips while placing kisses over his chest. Eren had expected Levi to get up after effectively silencing him, not to continue laying on him being sweet. Had he done something wrong? Had he not?

  He couldn’t tell if Levi was angry with him or if he simply didn’t want to delve any further into the conversation. He wasn’t mad at Levi, but he was confused, and he made certain to behave as normally as possible, brushing his fingers across Levi’s back occasionally so he wouldn’t know how confused he was. Each time he felt his hand sweep up to the bristly hair of Levi’s undercut that he loved touching so much, he slammed his eyes shut trying not to cry.

  He’d never made Levi pissed at him before, and everything felt awkward and disjointed, and he wanted to erase it all. His mind was left attempting to conjure ways to fix it, to make it like it hadn’t happened as they lay there. It felt like time stood still as Eren watched the rest of the day’s light die away knowing it had been less than an hour of silence before Levi was pulling himself off of Eren’s body and placing a gentle kiss on his lips.

  “I’m going to take a shower,” Levi said, so close Eren could feel warm breath fanning out over his chin as he spoke, and he tried so hard to act like nothing was wrong.

  “Okay,” Eren muttered, while Levi looked at him curiously.

  “You alright, Brat?” Levi asked, head cocking to the side before he kissed him again.

  “I’m fine, just tired,” Eren lied.

  He hated being dishonest, but any words he could say to express how he actually felt escaped him. It was complicated inside his stupid jumbled head, he didn’t know how to adequately express it because he wasn’t even sure what ‘it’ was.

  “Then stay up here, get cleaned up, get comfortable. I’ll be back soon,” Levi said.

  Levi knew something wasn’t right. Eren could tell as he watched him depart from the bed, noticing how he lingered at the doorway of the bathroom and looked over his shoulder at Eren before he crossed the threshold, and Eren heard the water begin running.

  On top of feeling like he fucked up by pushing Levi, he felt like a liar for not saying something was wrong. What could he really say though? That he was falling apart inside because Levi hadn’t wanted to talk to him about something. That he was on the verge of tears because Levi had problems just like everyone else in the world, that he was in agony because Levi wasn’t really perfect and sounded only the tiniest bit guarded when he pressed too much. The truth was, Eren knew Levi wasn’t perfect, but he was perfect to him in all his imperfection.

  Levi didn’t seem phased either and that perhaps made it more difficult. He’d held Eren and kissed him, toyed with his hair and stroked nearly every inch of him as they lay there. Still, the heaviness remained as Eren listened to the water sounding from the bathroom, the splash of it hitting the tiles with loud sloshes as Levi hurriedly washed before he came back out wearing a bathrobe.

  Eren tried to look nonchalant as Levi scrubbed at his hair with a towel, kept his narrowing eyes on Eren, as Eren sought to focus anywhere but on Levi.

  He snuck looks watching Levi dress, contemplating whether this was just the first in a long line of screw-ups that would take this gorgeous, wonderful man from him. Wondered if his fingers would be the ones placing those scratches he could see down his back years from now, or if it would be someone else leaving their marks because he just couldn’t keep his thoughts inside his head where they belonged.

  Once Levi was ready he approached Eren, and that little concerned hint in his eyes hadn’t departed, not even when Eren managed a tiny half smile as Levi leaned over him. He didn’t say anything, only kissed Eren’s forehead before he was moving down the ladder and then Eren heard him unlocking the door of the apartment.

  It was after he heard the sound of the door shutting that Eren sat up and buried his face in his hands. He wasn’t going to cry, wasn’t going to make it into something it wasn’t. Levi had told Eren he hadn’t fucked up, he didn’t seem angry or dark or pissed. He didn’t even seem distant. Levi had been extra attentive and slightly more adoring than usual. If Eren hadn’t known better, he would have sworn the conversation hadn’t happened at all. Eren had resisted the urge to ask for confirmation it was all right, but nothing Levi did suggested it wasn’t when he’d left.

  He’d never said anything that had caused Levi to tell him to stop or change the subject before though, and it felt like all the perfectness of their relationship so far was spiraling out of his reach. The feeling only deepened as he pulled himself from the bed and walked to the bathroom.

  The water was welcome, felt at first like it was rinsing away that dirty feeling of visiting a place he shouldn’t have. Still, he was so uncomfortable, and the exchange needled at him. He shook his head trying to stop focusing on it, but Eren couldn’t keep it out of his mind for long. He’d possibly ruined their first time together like that, maybe made Levi quietly doubt him and Eren wanted a do-over.

  Most couples fought sometimes, had disagreements, Eren knew that, and this hadn’t even been that. Levi had only sounded the slightest bit short when he’d essentially told Eren to knock it off. If it was nothing though, why did Eren feel so awful? Why did he feel as though he had sullied something that up until that point had been largely untouched?

  He’d only just agreed to move in with Levi earlier that day, and that had teetered on a near argument before Levi had finally asked, now Eren had gone and pushed too hard or said the wrong thing. This could be the beginning of the end. Maybe there were more things Levi wouldn’t want to talk about with him. Maybe they were only suited for a short fling and Eren would give up his apartment and have nowhere to go once it was over.

  He didn’t know if this was normal, he didn’t know how people did this. The idea that Levi ‘wasn’t good at this’ seemed laughable now. Eren was the one who wasn’t good at it. He had no idea what he was doing or how to make the miserable feeling that was finding a home inside go away.

  There was no one to talk to about it either Eren quickly realized as he pressed his forehead against the cold tile of the shower, stopped himself from punching it and instead silently prayed it would quell the pain in his throbbing head. Armin wouldn’t understand, and it would be violating some kind of trust if he tried to talk to Hanji. It was all so incredibly stupid too. He knew he was overreacting, regardless of the fact that he had no experience in a relationship.

  As he turned off the water a gnawing need to escape made itself known, and he wavered between gathering up his things and going home or changing the sheets on the bed.

  He made it to the middle of the bedroom before he stopped himself. His hand clutched the edge of the towel set about his waist so tight his knuckles burned, eyes darting back and forth from his backpack to the bed for long moments before he sighed and decided to dig out a pair of his pajama pants from his bag.

 


	15. Chapter 15

  There was a clank in Eren’s bowl, a sound far too loud for what it should have been. It rang through the silence, reminded him how hushed it was and how once more he was lost for words.

  It had been less trying to get through the quiet the night before. Levi hadn’t taken long to return to the apartment, but by the time he did, Eren was tucked under the covers half asleep. Too out of it to over-think things when Levi had slipped in behind him and nuzzled his lips against the back of his neck. He’d only sighed and threaded his fingers with Levi’s as his arm came to wrap around his waist.

  The morning had brought with it a different feeling though. One that had grown as Eren readied himself. Levi had gotten snippy with him the night before, and as the sun rose and they slipped into the day, it began to feel as though Levi had unnecessarily been a dick to him. Eren had dealt with it by clamming up, grinding his teeth periodically and giving Levi one word answers the entire morning.

  It hadn’t gone unnoticed by Levi either. He was currently leaning against the counter, eyes tracking between his cup of tea and Eren, while Eren tensed his jaw between bites of breakfast.

  There was a moment when their eyes met, something Eren had been trying to avoid the entire morning. If he looked too long, he’d lose his ability to stay pissed, or he’d say something stupid that would result in drudging it all back up again.

  “If you hold that spoon any tighter it’s going to become one with your hand, Brat,” Levi said and smirked as he set his empty cup in the sink.

  “Don’t worry, I’m not going to break your spoon,” Eren snarked. It came out harsher than he wanted, but he resisted the nagging urge to apologize. Levi hadn’t apologized to him for grumping at him the night before and he sure as fuck wasn’t saying sorry first.

  Levi’s expression seemed confused for barely a second before he was walking over and leaning against the counter, face less than a foot away from Eren’s. He looked carefully at Eren’s half-eaten cereal before he glanced back up.

  “Who the fuck pissed in your cornflakes this morning?” The smirk was back, and it was at once so endearing and yet so infuriating to Eren.

  “They’re Toasty-O’s!”

  “Okay. Who the fuck pissed in your Toasty-O’s?”

  “No one,” Eren insisted.

  “Are you sore?” Levi asked as he rounded the edge of the counter and came to stand behind Eren, wrapped his arms around his middle and pressed a kiss to the shell of his ear. His voice was quiet, almost sultry. “I didn’t take care of you afterward last night. I fucked up.”

  That would have been nice, and if Eren was honest about it, his backside still hurt everywhere every time he sat down. Being soothed and held and maybe Levi applying some damn cream to his abused skin would have helped. At the very least, it would have been preferable to what transpired instead.

  He bit his lip. Levi’s arms felt so welcome, his chest warm against him, and he fought his hardest not to lean back into Levi’s touch, whimpered a little as he strained forward, pulled his neck away so he wouldn’t feel Levi’s maddeningly hot breath against the back of it. “My ass is all right. I just wish you hadn’t yelled at me last night.”

  “I didn’t yell at you,” Levi countered, though he didn’t let go of Eren.

  “You did!” Eren retaliated.

  “I told you to stop,” Levi said. He sounded bored, voice even and calm, and it left Eren feeling as if he was talking to an adult who was refusing to give into an argument with a child.

  “It was shitty,” Eren whispered.

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Levi breathed into Eren’s hair, and Eren tried to pull away once more, but Levi wouldn’t let him. “I wasn’t trying to be a dick. I’m sorry, okay?”

  Eren huffed in a breath. He’d just been given the apology he longed for, but it didn’t feel like enough. Not that he wanted Levi to grovel or beg, but it did nothing to resolve the issue itself. Levi still had that tendency to put himself down, and as a result, unknowingly put Eren down for loving him. That bothered Eren more than Levi getting short with him when he thought about it.

  If Levi was so awful, so terrible, what did that make Eren for adoring and loving him?

  “Yeah, but it feels like you’re calling me stupid for wanting to be your boyfriend,” Eren admitted.

  “Oh Eren, that’s not what I meant, I just didn’t want to talk about all that shit last night,” Levi explained. “My past is the past, it was shitty, I was shitty, and it isn’t important for _us_.”

  “I guess…” Eren trailed off before he swallowed hard, looked down at Levi’s hands still clasped against his stomach, holding him there. “I don’t understand though. You know so much more about me, and I don't get it. Why do you have to make yourself sound so bad if you think it’s the past and it isn’t important?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe it is important, and I promise I’ll stop being such an asshole. Let’s just get through these drinks with Erwin tonight, and get you moved, then you can psychoanalyze me if you really want,” Levi offered. “That is if you still want to live with me?”

  He was glossing it all over, deflecting, Eren knew it, felt like it was a mistake to allow Levi to do it, but it wasn’t easy to fight when Levi was holding him like that. Not with the way Levi was stroking his fingers over the back of his hand now, not with the way he was kissing his neck right behind his ear. Even worse, was the prospect of arguing after Eren heard that little unsure crack in Levi’s voice as he confirmed Eren still wanted to move in with him. It made his chest hurt.

  “I forgot about him stopping by,” Eren confessed, wasn’t so sure he wanted to deal with socializing anymore.

  “I know it’s lame, but Erwin wanted to drop by a bottle of champagne to celebrate this place being mine now. I have to sign that final loan paperwork too.”

  “It’s almost the end of the month, we’re going to have to pack up my apartment fast. When are we going to do that?” Eren was still minutely irritated, and it was his way of telling Levi he was still moving in without giving in to the affection too much yet.

  “We only have a few days. So we’ll start tomorrow?” Levi suggested, ran his hand up Eren’s chest, thumb lightly gliding over his neck and stroking his chin.

  “Yeah,” Eren said, turned in Levi’s arms and pressed their foreheads gently together, fingers twisting in obsidian locks. “I’m sorry, too.”

  “Regrets don’t become you,” Levi whispered before he was smashing his mouth against Eren’s.

  Eren fought the cloudiness at first, kisses couldn’t erase it all, but sometimes actions were so much better than words, the make-up sex they had on the living room floor far more meaningful than any sentence either of them could have attempted to string together at that moment.

  It was a band-aid, a band-aid that felt really good, but one nonetheless. Regardless, Eren was lost to it. There was a jump in his chest as they lay there afterward panting on the carpet, Levi wrapped around him, hand stroking up and down his side. It wasn’t wholly from the physical activity but caused partly by the tiny seed that incubated somewhere inside. He sensed this wasn’t the first time the two of them would smash face first into that brick wall, and making love wasn’t always going to fix it, but for now, it was enough to swat away some of the self-doubts Eren had previously been experiencing.

  Levi was more than devoted afterward, and Eren took it as one long drawn out apology as Levi washed him carefully when they showered again then insisted on rubbing some type of aloe concoction on Eren’s still sore ass no matter how much he assured him he was fine.

  It was only when they went down to the bar to take care of their daily tasks that Eren was free enough from the haze of affection that the situation began to eat at him once more. The glasses he washed became some kind of therapy, fragile sparkling cylinders that Eren punched into with suds and hot water instead of thinking too deeply about what he really needed to say or ask.

  He didn’t know what was wrong, and he kept his eyes down, hyper-aware that Levi was keeping a careful eye on him and that Hanji had now noticed his erratic mood as well.

  “I think that glass was clean ten minutes ago, Kiddo,” they said as they slid up next to Eren and began hanging the wine glasses he had finished with.

  Eren looked down in his hands, he hadn’t realized. “Oh.”

  “I hope I'm not a pest, but you don’t look like a guy who’s about to move in with his boyfriend,” Hanji pointed out.

  “He told you?” Eren asked.

  “Last night when he came down,” Hanji said with a nod. “He was really excited, but now you look like you’re about to go to a funeral, and Levi’s hovering around watching you instead of looking bored and angry like he usually does.”

  Eren’s mouth opened to answer, but he quickly shut it. He’d have to choose his words carefully. Hanji was his friend, but they were Levi’s best friend, and Levi had a tendency to be rather private about most things. If he had wanted Hanji to know what was wrong, he’d probably have told them himself.

  “We kind of had an argument this morning, but it’s better now I think,” Eren said. He wasn’t going to go into why, it was between them, but even if it weren't, it would be too hard to explain. Eren still hadn’t grasped exactly what the problem was. Whether it was Levi’s shortness with him the night before, or if it really were that he felt as though Levi was closing him off to various parts of himself. The occasional self-deprecating comments from Levi weren’t sitting well with Eren either, and he didn’t anticipate that was going to stop anytime soon. It seemed like it was ingrained in Levi to see himself as less than he was from what Eren could tell.

  “Then why are you both so off today?” Hanji asked. “I bet it was something stupid.”

  “Hey!” Eren snipped.

  Hanji turned toward Eren and squeezed his shoulder. “I didn’t mean it like that Eren. It’s just that you two don’t really have anything to argue about, and you’re still figuring each other out. Also, Mr. Grumpy-Pants over there isn’t always so good at using his words.”

  “He’s better at it than me,” Eren whispered.

  Hanji laughed, and Eren reached out to hush them when he noticed Levi watching them both.

  “Levi’s okay at it when it comes to you, Eren, but he sucks at talking about himself.”

  “How do you know all this shit all the time?” Eren asked. Hanji was too far into his head, too close to the truth of what happened the evening before and earlier that morning. “Did he tell you why we were fighting?”

  “Not in so many words, but I’ve known Levi long enough to know when he’s beating himself up a bit. As much as he’s unaware of it, he’s got a little barrier he tries to protect himself with, but you’ve gotten yourself past it. Think how he was when you first met him compared to now.”

  “He was kind of a bastard,” Eren realized. “But a sweet bastard.”

  “Exactly!” Hanji practically squealed. “Eren, he doesn’t see it, so when it seems like he’s acting like an ass, he’s probably not trying to. Well, at least when it comes to you. The idiots who come in here are a different story.”

  “I think I understand,” Eren said. “Is he going to be mad that you talked to me about it?”

  “He’ll be a bit grouchy, probably throw a plastic cup at me or something, but he’ll get over it,” Hanji sighed. “I’m not really the type to interfere too much, but you both deserve to be happy, and honestly, you guys are bumming me out. If he wants me to stay quiet, he can give me hazard pay.”

  “Thanks,” Eren whispered and rinsed off his hands. “Can you take over for me? I think I should go find Levi.”

  “Sure, Kiddo,” Hanji smiled at Eren.

  It gave him some perspective, enough that he could shake off his irritation and stop ruminating over an argument that was currently dead. He found Levi quickly enough, saw him peeking out from the stock-room at him, a small half smile creeping up on the left side of his mouth when Eren smirked at him.

  “Spying on me?” Eren asked as he walked through the door.

  “You were talking to Hanji,” Levi said. “What did they say?”

  “Not much about you, I swear.”

  “Don’t worry Eren, I got a talking-to as well,” Levi laughed. “Something about me being an epic asshole.”

  “I doubt that,” Eren said. “We were bumming them out.”

  “Hanji means well, but that fucking four-eyes should mind their own damn business sometimes,” Levi groused.

  It was likely true, but Eren couldn’t fault Hanji for trying.

  “I don’t feel so cruddy anymore about Erwin coming over and being social tonight,” Eren said, took Levi’s hands, traced his thumb over a scar across his knuckles.

  He looked Levi in the eyes, then back down at his hands, wanted to know how it got there, desired to know every little thing about this man he loved. Though Eren was tempted to, it wasn’t the right time to ask about it, not with everything that had gone on between them in the last day.

  As if he sensed Eren’s internal debate, Levi stood on his tiptoes and placed a kiss on Eren’s lips. It was chaste, lingering for a moment before Levi was pulling back looking a little relieved. “Wanna fuck off from work and get cleaned up?”

  They took their third shower of the day, and Eren firmly decided that champagne dates and late morning sex were terrible ideas on days that they had to scrub the bar as well. It didn’t do anything to stifle his mood though, which was better than earlier in the day.

  Levi had assured Eren as they got dressed yet again, that it was only a drink or two and that Erwin would want to get home to Mike. No long drawn out evening, no suggestion of going downstairs to the bar or ordering dinner.

  Erwin was right on time, exactly as Levi said he would be, a loud knock sounding on the door precisely at six thirty. Erwin was dressed more casually this time than he was when Eren had met him previously, taller than Eren thought he remembered, eyebrows still impeccably groomed.

  “Levi,” he boomed when Levi opened the door.

  He placed a large hand on Levi’s shoulder and patted him there before walking into the kitchen and setting down what Eren was sure was an incredibly expensive bottle of champagne.

  “Hello, Eren,” Erwin said as he sat down on one of the bar stools.

  “Hi,” Eren said. He wasn’t anxious so much, but there was something about Erwin that was slightly intimidating. There wasn’t jealousy this time, but something needled at Eren as well, and he felt instantly out of his element when Levi went to grab glasses from the cabinet.

  “Are you going to want any of this Eren?” Levi asked as he peered back over his shoulder.

  “Corrupting minors, now?” Erwin joked.

  Eren saw Levi’s eyes narrow, caught his glance and shrugged his shoulders before Levi set three glasses down on the counter.

  “Shut the fuck up, Eyebrows. You didn’t have any problem buying me whiskey when I was fifteen.”

  “I don’t want any,” Eren said and took a seat next to Erwin at the counter.

  “Calm your tits, Levi,” Erwin sighed. “It was a damn joke, or did you trade in your sense of humor when you bought this place?”

  “You’re the asshole who always claims I don’t have one,” Levi smirked.

  “Touche.”

  Eren slunk back in his seat only the tiniest bit as Levi and Erwin talked over minor details regarding repayment of the loan Erwin had given him. He wasn’t sure what half of what they were talking about had to do with, but some meme Armin had posted on Facebook was currently more engaging. So were the beach pictures Mikasa had shared, especially the ones of he and Levi with his friends, and Eren supposed Levi and Erwin were sort of how he and his friends were. They had a past together, there were other relationships with other people that neither of them had been a part of. Still, Eren felt like he was on the outskirts.

  He noticed, and was thankful for it, that Levi was drinking slowly. He’d only seen him have any alcohol a couple times and he had never gotten drunk, though Erwin had made it halfway through his second glass forty-five minutes into his visit.

  “You’ve come a long way, Levi,” Erwin said as he topped off his champagne flute, then Levi’s. “If someone told me twenty years ago that you’d own anything I would have laughed in their face.”

  Eren observed Levi's reaction, the way his mouth quirked into a smile, yet his brow twisted as if he was thinking hard. “Some rats get out of the nest, asshole.”

  Erwin laughed. “True, true. Do you remember that time I caught you stealing cigarettes from Mr. Pixis’s store and shoved your face in that puddle in the alley?”

  Levi suddenly looked bored again, his expression dropping to the one Eren typically saw him reserve for ornery bar patrons. “I never kicked your ass for doing that, perhaps I should repay you now.”

  “Your mother would have killed you if she had still been around,” Erwin said.

  “Probably,” Levi said and took a sip of his drink.

  “If not for that, she would have definitely killed you when you started dating that asshole,” Erwin said.

  Eren didn’t know who Erwin and Levi were discussing, but he didn’t like it. Not only did he feel left out, but whatever they were talking about was uncomfortable, even more so because Levi had never told him about any of it.

  He knew Levi had a shitty childhood, that he committed crimes as a teenager, but beyond that, Eren didn’t have any details at all, and Levi seemed like he didn’t want to tell him. Yet there he was talking to Erwin about it.

  As time went on the subject matter lightened, but it all mainly revolved around Levi and Erwin’s shared past. Sometimes there were mentions of Hanji, and some people Eren had never heard of. Levi and Erwin were laughing, and Eren was sitting on his phone scrolling through shit-tier memes and crappy political posts on Facebook. God, how he wished Armin or Mikasa would pop back on, he would have even taken Jean for conversation at the moment.

  He looked at the clock as things seemed like they were beginning to wind down. It was already eight-thirty, and he was torn between wanting to go sit on the couch and trying to not be rude by leaving the kitchen area.

  Anxiety turned to annoyance as Erwin got up to leave, and mentioned they needed to do this again soon and include Hanji next time.

  Eren didn’t want there to be a ‘next time.' Not if Levi was going to sit and reminisce with his friends about all the things that were secrets from him.

  Erwin had barely made it out the door before Eren was already on his feet, ready to go sit on the couch and pout. Of course, Levi noticed instantly and was immediately at his side.

  “What’s the matter?” Levi asked.

  His voice was laced with nothing but genuine concern, his expression equally so, and it made it harder for Eren to give a sulking response, yet he did anyway.

  “Nothing,” Eren quipped.

  “Bullshit,” Levi said, but there was no accusation in it, not even a hint of nastiness.

  “It’s nothing,” Eren ground out and attempted to move past Levi to the living room. “That just sucked.”

  “You weren’t jealous of Erwin again?” Levi softly asked as he reached his hand out toward Eren’s. “I told you before that you didn’t have anything to ever be jealous of.”

  Levi made it so hard to be pissed at him, and Eren didn’t want to be. Certainly not when Levi was staying level-headed, wasn’t getting snarky. He was patient and loving when he should have been enraged with Eren’s shenanigans, but still, Eren couldn’t shake the feeling of being slighted. He was hurt. Not only did he feel like he had been ignored, he felt like Levi was shutting a door to himself in his face.

  “I’m not jealous of him, but if I were, I’d have a right to be,” Eren countered. “You just tried to convince me this morning how unimportant your past is and how much you don’t want to talk about it, then that’s all you two spoke about all night!”

  Eren looked down at Levi carefully, saw a flash of irritation in his expression, which only got his hackles up as he anticipated the blow to come. It was as if he could see the wheels turning behind those currently narrowed eyes, Levi deciding if he should continue with the nice guy routine or take the bait.

  “Erwin talks about stupid shit sometimes. What was I supposed to do, Brat? Tell him to shut up?” Levi’s voice was rising in volume, a little chink in his composure as Eren pushed him further.

  “You didn’t mean that like you usually do,” Eren whispered.

  “Mean what?” Levi asked as he ran his fingers harshly through his hair.

  “Calling me a ‘ _brat_ ,’” Eren practically yelled.

  “Well, you’re behaving like one!” Levi scolded.

  Eren could feel the heat rising in his cheeks, and his stomach churned. He felt sick, not sure if it was because of what Levi just called him explicitly, or because they were fighting. He tried to swallow down the sickly feeling, opened his fists, stretched his fingers before they were balling up next to his legs once more.

  “I can’t believe you just went there.” His voice was watery, the fact that he was on the verge of tears obvious, and he could see Levi’s eyes soften in what looked like sympathy for a moment before they were cold again, and his eyebrows drew down.

  “Went where?” Levi asked, voice steady, yet clearly annoyed.

  “Calling me a brat because I’m a kid.”

  “That’s your fucking hang up, not mine, Eren,” Levi declared.

  “Bullshit!” Eren retaliated. “You meant it that way, you wouldn’t have said it if I were your age.”

  “Well, no, but…” Levi pinched his brow, crossed his arms then turned toward the living room and flopped on the couch. “I’m not doing this with you. It’s stupid and pointless.”

  “You don’t have to,” Eren said and made his way to the ladder.

  He couldn’t take it. He didn’t want it to continue, but he didn’t know how to fix it either. For the second time in the last two days, he wished he had some kind of time machine or magically powered eraser he could use to make the argument never have happened. At the same time, he was still angry. Levi had treated him like a child. Sure, he had been unreasonable and maybe he was a tad bratty, but it didn’t change the fact that Levi had said it in the meanest way possible.

  It hurt that Levi had sullied the affectionate pet name, had used it in that manner, it made his chest ache and his eyes sting.

  As Eren pulled himself up into the loft, he remembered the first time he’d climbed up there. It had been so different. He’d been a mess, but a different kind of disaster. That day, Eren was so full of hope yet feared giving too much of his heart to Levi too soon even so early on. He wondered now if that was the problem. Perhaps they’d gone too fast, didn’t get to know each other enough before they dove blindly into a such a serious relationship. Eren wasn’t sure it could have been helped though. Indeed, he couldn’t have stopped himself from falling in love with Levi, couldn’t have slowed it down. He smiled just a little when he thought of how much he loved Levi, got that horrible burning in his chest again.

  He wasn’t going to cry there, lay up in Levi’s room and carry on. There’d be no controlling it soon, he was barely holding it together as it was. He fought the tears that persistently collected in his eyes, wiped the ones that he couldn’t stop roughly away with the back of his hand as he packed his bag.

  This was it, he couldn’t be there right then.

  When Eren got back downstairs, he didn’t look at Levi, he couldn’t. If Eren did, he was going to lose his nerve.

  “Where are you going?” Levi asked exasperatedly.

  Eren could hear the smallest bit of distress in Levi’s voice, perhaps pleading, but he clenched his jaw as tight as he could and tried to ignore it. “Home, I’m going home.”

  “Are you fucking serious?” Levi groaned. “You're acting ridiculous!”

  Eren stopped at the door, hand shaking around the handle, mind reeling as one voice in his head told him not to go, and the other pressed him to leave. “I’m not ridiculous. I’m not!”

  “This _is_ ridiculous, Eren. I can’t believe you’re this mad at me.”

  “Go fuck yourself, Levi,” Eren said as calmly as he could.

  “Maybe I will!” Levi retaliated.

  At that, amorphous rage and the voice telling Eren to leave won out. “Then I hope you enjoy yourself.”

  A ‘don’t go,’ may have enticed him to stay, would have kept him from enduring that terrible ache in his chest, but not that. Not the sarcastic response he received. Levi wasn't taking him seriously, and sure, he was blowing it out of proportion, but he wanted something from Levi acknowledging his feelings were just the tiniest bit valid.

  He looked at Levi, shoved aside the temptation to cry, then slammed the door harder behind him than he wanted. The quiet that was born in its wake so oppressive, trapping him until it felt as though he was being suffocated, and he wasn't sure how the silence could be louder than the music emanating from below. It caused him to freeze for a moment while he nearly hyperventilated and struggled against the urge to scream.

  He closed his eyes, remembered those stupid relaxation exercises Mikasa had insisted on teaching him, and just breathed. There was a part of him that hoped he’d hear the door open, that Levi would chase him, would pull him back inside, but it didn’t come.

  It was only when Eren accepted that Levi wasn’t going after him that he made his way down the stairs. One slow, shaky step followed by another and another, his heart breaking a little more each time his foot met the concrete until he was at the bottom of the stairwell. Eren looked at the exit sign above the door that led outside, glanced back up at the door that led back to Levi. He could still turn around and go back, Levi wouldn’t make him leave. He’d talk to Eren, they’d make up, their ludicrous argument would soon be a memory. The fresh little cut that would begin healing, but as much as Eren wanted to, a stubborn streak took hold.

  His fingers tensed around the strap of his backpack. Running away was childish, and rash, and it would highlight all those flaws that he’d been so worried about Levi seeing, but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t go back, not now, Levi had implied he was acting like a kid, and as much as he knew it was true, his hurt pride wouldn’t allow him to go grovel. Levi may have thrown a couple stones, but Eren essentially had an infantile tantrum because his nerves were raw. 

  He pushed the door open and stepped outside into the fucking rain and the desolation and self-loathing. He clamped his stinging eyes shut, teeth beginning to hurt from the muscles pulled taut in his jaw. He wasn’t going to cry, he wasn’t going to cry, he wasn’t going to cry.

  It was a mantra he repeated all the way home, said it out loud when he made it to the door of his building and looked up at its crumbling façade, almost turned around and went back when he pictured himself walking through his door and back ‘home.’ It really wasn’t home anymore because Levi wasn’t there.

  It was just a place, miserable and dark and devoid of anything he loved. Still, he had nowhere else to go, and he bit his lip as hard as he could without drawing blood as he climbed to his floor. It felt so unfamiliar now, so wrong, and the tears threatened to spill once more as he fumbled to find the key on his key chain.

  Without thinking, his fingers instinctively found the key to Levi’s first. He ran his fingertips over it, remembered when he’d dropped the keys to his apartment and Levi had picked them up for him the first time he’d been there.

  Everything reminded him of Levi, and now he was standing in the hallway about to have a breakdown. He had to get inside.

  The stale smell and mildew were what caught his senses first. Next was the blackness, followed by the stifling humidity, then finally, the sound of drops of water hitting the floor.

  His ceiling was leaking again.

  The click of the lock after he shut the door behind him was what pushed Eren up to the edge. He pressed his forehead against it, didn’t want to look at his empty, lonely apartment. He stared at the peeling paint instead and pressed his palms flat against the cool steel. If he pushed hard enough, he might be able to beat the impending storm back inside.

  It didn’t last long.

  He sealed his lips together and grit his teeth as the first hiccup came. A second came shortly after, followed by a sorrowful drawn-out whine.

  Hearing the sound of his own despair is what finally did it, decimated the dam that held it all inside until Eren gave in. He slid down the door, wrapped his arms tightly around his legs, and buried his face against his knees.

  Tears that felt far too hot slipped from his eyes, absorbed swiftly by the fabric of his jeans as he rocked slowly in some useless attempt to stop the shuddering. He hadn’t cried like this since his parents died, and all he wanted now was the man he’d just stormed out on to hold him and tell him he’d be all right.


	16. Chapter 16

    It was the pitter-patter of the ceiling leak which eventually drew Eren from his slumber. How he could hear it all the way in his bedroom was a mystery, but it nagged, and goaded, felt nearly malicious in its constant need to torment him.

  This was his third morning rising in this location, the third morning he’d awoken without Levi. Even the most innocuous of things felt like hell. The rustling of his sheets, that incessant dripping, and the coughing that continuously carried through the wall from the guy next door. All these little things seemed so loud to him in the silence since he’d returned there. As if they were mocking him, reminding him of how much he hated this place and how terribly lonely he felt.

  He threw an empty water bottle at the wall when he heard a cough again, and no matter how tempting it was to curl into a ball and keep himself under the covers, hidden away, the distractions made it impossible. He had to get the fuck up.

  The first thing Eren did after throwing off his blankets was reached over to check his phone, hoping he’d see a message from Levi. It had become an irksome ritual in the last two days, and ‘ritual’ was most certainly an apt description. He’d grasp it from its screen-down position on his bed, holding it tightly before he’d inhale a breath and shut his eyes. He couldn’t bear to have the surface facing up. Every notification, every flash of light would draw his eyes, make his heart jump thinking it might be Levi, only to feel it plummet when he discovered it wasn’t. He’d endured the torture the first day, until finally on the second night when he’d gotten into bed, he’d put a stop to it.

  Like he had done dozens of times in the last thirty-six hours, he didn’t open his eyes until the phone was flipped over, cradled in his palms, looked down to see nothing new had come through. Though, it didn't do anything to prevent him from unlocking it and checking he and Levi’s text history to see if something recent was there. Like every other time in the past days, he saw the last message Levi had sent sitting at the bottom, nothing new below; a few hearts and an emoji winking with its tongue sticking out in response to Eren saying he’d be home in an hour.

  So unlike Levi, he mused with a sad smile. He wouldn’t have believed Levi to be someone who’d send him cute messages with hearts and kissy-faces and blushy little smiles a few months before, and yet, Eren had discovered that he was. Recognized that in that quiet private space between them Levi could express things more sweetly and openly than he could when they were face to face. It was a precious little gift, and insight into the man he loved, who could often time seem so shielded.

  As he thought more about it, Eren realized he had glimpsed much more of Levi than he initially thought, saw so many facets of the man that no one else did, and it was at that moment of understanding that his mistakes from the day they’d quarreled pummeled into him full force. He’d been so blind, selfish and pushy, and it took looking at some hearts and a yellow smiley face after what had to be the hundredth time for it to sink in.

  The urge to cry which had been looming after the discovery that Levi hadn’t attempted to contact him, was overshadowed now with the knowledge that Eren had indeed, fucked up. Who was Eren to demand Levi make himself vulnerable and expose all of himself on his schedule?

  It was also entirely possible Levi would have in time, allowed him into those places he kept obscured since he had already let Eren into so many others.

  Accurate as it was, the revelation wasn’t much of a balm for the ache inside, and it still didn’t explain why Levi hadn’t tried to call or text.

  Although, Eren hadn’t either.

  For all he knew, Levi could be sitting in his apartment checking his phone as well, heart lurching painfully when he saw Eren had continued ignoring him. The idea of it broke Eren’s already shattered heart, yet the prospect of calling or texting made his hands shake so hard he nearly dropped his phone.

  What would he say? Should he apologize first, only say, “hi,” or pour his heart out in some blubbering series of messages. And what if Levi didn’t respond or worse yet, said he didn’t want to talk to him ever again?

  The risk of the finality in that was too much for Eren to contemplate at the moment, and when he did contact Levi, he felt it was important to choose his words carefully- unlike what he had done two evenings before. There also was the question of whether or not he should do it in person.

  Something told him that was the proper choice. Things could become muddled in text messages, easily misinterpreted, and it was too great a risk to take. If he was going to make a phone call and talk to Levi, he might as well speak with him face to face.

  He would do it today, he assured himself. He was definitely going to before day’s end, but not now. It would have to be later after he had more time to think. For the time being, he had to continue packing.

  In a way, it felt insurmountable, but anticipation grew in him as he looked about his apartment, saw the few boxes that were already prepared to be moved. Whether Levi still wanted to be with him or not, he had to leave this place, and he wanted to. He couldn’t stand the leaking ceiling, and if Levi would no longer have him, it was far too close to the bar.

  That renewed sense of purpose and a tiny bit of hope, small as it was, was what propelled Eren through the rest of the morning. There were moments when he’d stop packing, the tears taking hold once again, but he refused to lay down and give into them. If Levi would forgive him, he needed to be ready to move by the next day.

  By afternoon he had much of his belongings packed, spent hours procrastinating, rehearsing what he would say to Levi and what his possible responses would be. Set up counter-arguments, and tried to recognize every small thing he had been in the wrong about so he could apologize and wouldn’t be caught off guard. He wanted so desperately to go to Levi, almost did numerous times, but it was terrifying. Living in limbo not knowing currently felt preferable to what the shittiest outcome could be.

  It was only when it was almost past dinnertime, late in the evening, weariness setting in, and Eren was finding every last excuse he could to not go just yet, that he heard a knock at his door.

  He had put in a call to the landlord. He didn’t expect the roof would be fixed, but he’d at least have a record on his phone of the complaint if Bart tried to keep from returning some of his security deposit. Eren had screwed a few things up in the apartment, but not enough to lose it all, and he’d need that money if Levi were done with him since he’d be out of his job as well.

  He mumbled to himself about how late Bart had shown up, brushed trembling hands through messy hair as he strode to the door, smoothed out his shirt and attempted to train his face in normalcy. Their last interaction hadn’t gone that well, and he didn’t want to be scowling right off the bat.

  When he pulled the door open, he wasn’t met with the portly landlord, but a familiar, short, raven-haired man.

  _Levi._

  “Levi,” he whispered surprised.

  Levi didn’t say anything at first, and Eren just stared, searched steely grey eyes that searched right back. He couldn’t read anything in his expression, only noted that Levi was paler than usual and soaked, his hair dripping water down onto his cheeks and forehead.

  Eren’s hands raised only a hair before he pulled them back and swallowed hard. He wanted to crush Levi against him, but he hadn’t said a word, had made no move to embrace Eren, and the possibility that he had come there only to break it off occurred to him. He wouldn’t be able to endure it if he tried to hold Levi only to be pushed away.

  Eren opened his mouth soundlessly, clasped his hands before him so he wouldn’t reach out, feeling as if he would fall forward when Levi finally spoke.

  “Do you hate me?” Levi asked, lips pursing slightly as his brow furrowed. His voice was soft, matter of fact in tone, but there was a tremble in it that Eren detected no matter how much he knew Levi was probably trying to hide it.

  “Never,” Eren nearly whimpered, watched as Levi’s expression softened into something Eren thought looked relieved and pained all at once. “Do you want to come in?”

  “Yeah,” Levi said. “Sorry, I’m a mess.”

  “I don’t care, there’s already water all over the floor anyway,” Eren said and gestured behind him.

  Levi craned his neck, looked into the kitchen, and shook his head. “Tch, now I don’t feel so bad about breaking in here.”

  Eren hadn’t thought about it initially, but it occurred to him that Levi hadn’t buzzed his door to get into the building. The only reason he didn’t think the knock on the interior door was odd was that he was expecting Bart.

  “You broke in?” Eren asked.

  “Not exactly,” Levi said. “I was outside for two hours waiting for someone to go in or out. I slipped inside when I got the chance.”

  “That’s why you’re all wet,” Eren noted. “Why didn’t you just ring my bell?”

  Levi was quiet, looked around the apartment, eyes never staying in one place for too long before he crossed his arms and glanced at Eren. “I wasn’t sure you’d let me up.”

  “I would have,” Eren quietly said, smiling a little, though Levi didn’t smile back. He would barely look him in the eye.

  “You’ve been packing,” Levi observed and scanned the room again.

  There was awkwardness that stood between them and something thick. It felt like a wall. As if something were blocking him and Levi, and neither of them knew how to get past it, yet they were both trying to figure it out. Walking on eggshells would have been an understatement, it was more like walking a tightrope through thick fog. Whatever it was, it filled up the room, made it feel alive and like it was dying all at once, like clouds swirling about before they decided if they should become a storm or not.

  “I- I have to leave here even if you don’t want me anymore,” Eren explained, not able to stand the silence any longer.

  “I wouldn’t toss you away because of an argument,” Levi admonished, voice lightening with the smallest hint of a laugh.

  Something in Eren’s stomach thumped up into his chest, and he had to press his lips against each other hard to keep the bottom one from quivering. He looked up, anywhere but at Levi, pulled in a tight breath, yet failed to stop the tiny little whine that came through when he tried to breathe out long and slow through his nose.

    “I can fix that for you,” Levi said, pointed to a hole in the wall and scratched the back of his neck. “I put a matching one in the apartment too.”

  Eren held out his bruised hand to show Levi. “Can you fix this? I think I broke my finger.”

  He watched Levi’s hand move forward as his eyes rose up, quietly seeking permission before he was stroking his fingertips over Eren’s purpled knuckles as gently as possible.

  “I- I- I fucked it up,” Eren stuttered out. Levi’s hand was cold from standing out in the rain, but experiencing his touch again, no matter how small had Eren feeling almost as if he’d collapse. His middle filled up with butterflies like they used to when he’d first began spending time with Levi, and he had to bite his lip to stop himself from letting everything spill out. “I… I’m an idiot.”

  “Bullshit,” Levi whispered as he wrapped his hand carefully around Eren’s and stepped toward him.

  Eren couldn’t think of any words, he didn’t want to say the wrong thing, and the fact that Levi was holding his hand had tears threatening to fall in relief.

  “You’ve been crying,” Levi breathed, his other hand coming up to cup Eren’s cheek before he gently swiped a thumb under a swollen red eye.

  “That’s all I’ve done the last couple days,” Eren croaked out, voice cracking as the tears began to overflow and he blinked them away.

  “It would be a lie if I said I haven’t a couple times in the last few days, too.” It was the way Levi’s eyes flicked up at Eren as he said it, that had Eren coming apart. Unsure, sad grey eyes, conveying an expression so fragile and vulnerable that Levi looked like he’d break.

  Eren practically knocked the smaller man over as he took a step forward, clamped his arms around him and buried his face against Levi’s forehead, shuddering hard when he started bawling.

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, forgive me. _Please_ ,” Eren sobbed. “I was a jerk.”

  “You don’t need to beg for my forgiveness,” Levi softly comforted, hand coming up to gently stroke the back of Eren’s head as he pulled him tighter to his body, and whispered, “we both made mistakes. It isn’t going to destroy us.”

  “I wanted to call you, but I didn’t know what to say,” Eren sniffled as he lost control of what he was saying, and it poured forth without forethought. “I thought maybe you never wanted to see me again.”

  “Why would you think that?” Levi asked and began stroking his hand down Eren’s back.

  “Because you didn’t call or anything,” Eren breathed.

  Levi slid his hands up to the sides of Eren’s face, tipped his head back and looked up at him, and it felt like Levi was looking into him. “You left, I thought you needed space, I didn’t want to push you.”

  Eren nodded. He couldn’t talk, could barely breathe and any attempt to calm himself was only working him up more. Levi pressed him carefully backward toward the couch, crouching in front of Eren when his legs met the edge of it and he was forced to sit down.

  “I tried to wait, but I couldn’t anymore,” Levi said, leaned up and pressed a kiss to Eren’s forehead then sat down next to him. “Calm down, Eren. It’s fine.”

  Eren leaned forward, buried his face in his hands, couldn’t control the tears again when he felt Levi’s hand on his back.

  “Can we never do this again, Levi?” Eren begged between breaths. “ _Please_?”

  Levi squeezed the back of Eren’s neck, shifted his fingers to his shoulder and coaxed him to sit up and lean against his chest, then wrapped his arms around him and sighed.

  “Never again, not like this,” Levi said. “We’ll argue, it’s going to happen, Eren, but never like this again.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Eren asked. He wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to, there was still fear it may escalate and turn into another fight but he could hear Mikasa in the back of his head telling him that stuffing things inside wasn’t healthy for him just as she had for years.

  “We can if you want,” Levi said.

  “I wanted to come back, but I didn’t know how to,” Eren confessed and pressed his fingers against his eyes. “I was going to come see you today.”

  Eren wasn’t crying anymore, though his throat felt tight, as did his back, even with Levi stroking his hand up and down it. There’d been too much arguing, too many ups and downs in the last few days, and the fear it could end in hurtful words again was palpable. He couldn’t go through it another time. He didn’t know what he’d do with himself if it devolved once more, and regardless that he was relieved, there was still a tinge of frustration that resided inside.

  “I’m sorry,” Levi said into Eren’s hair. “I’m sorry for not thinking, and I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you. I heard you, but I didn’t listen. It was shitty of me.”

  “I’m sorry for demanding too much, and being a brat,” Eren apologized.

  “You’re not a brat, Eren,” Levi assured him. “You want to know about me, and it’s something I haven’t entirely given you.”

  “You haven’t kept yourself from me as much as I thought,” Eren admitted.

  “You think?” Levi asked.

  Eren found fingers to tangle with his own when he felt Levi rest his cheek against the top of his head, took a deep breath and raked his teeth across his bottom lip. “There’s a lot more to see of you now than there was when I first met you.”

  He didn’t go into exactly what, wasn’t going to point out how far he’d gotten behind that shield Hanji mentioned to him. He knew Levi well enough to know that might be too much, especially now.

  “Like what?” Levi asked, and he sounded almost playfully amused.

  Eren turned his head so he could look at Levi, put his hand on his cheek. “Lot’s of beautiful things.”

  Levi smirked, though Eren didn’t miss the blush that quickly rose in his cheeks.

  “Sentimental dork,” Levi whispered before he leaned down, stopping only when his lips were almost touching Eren’s. “This okay?”

  “Yeah,” Eren smiled before he was stretching his neck up and meeting Levi halfway.  

  It wasn’t hungry or lustful, but slow and tender and profound, and Eren felt like he was coming home on a cold winter day. Returning to the familiar warmth and comfort of the place he felt most content, more so when Levi held him tighter, and his fingers tangled in his hair as he gently cradled his head.

  There wasn’t a neediness left between them when they pulled away, no panting breaths, no need to grind away against each other. It was something else, nearing what they shared on the day Eren had broken down about the leak in the ceiling and Levi had kissed all his worries and the agony away.

  “I love you,” Levi said, and it was different than it usually sounded. Less casual, without the “I” dropped from the declaration as it most often was.

  “I love you too.”

  They sat on the couch quietly until Eren was almost asleep. His eyes lightly closed, relishing in the familiarity of feeling Levi’s chest rising and falling against his cheek.

  “We should probably pack up the rest of your things,” Levi said, rousing Eren who only hummed and snuggled his head up under Levi’s chin. “Tomorrow is the last day of the month.”

  “It’s going to be close,” Eren murmured. He didn’t want to get up.

  “We could just stay here tonight,” Levi suggested and pressed his fingers to his forehead. “I walked here, and I don’t exactly feel like walking back home in this shit.”

  “Really?” Eren asked. “Here? It’s a mess.”

  Levi scoffed, “I told you before that I’ve lived in worse than this. Besides we’ve never stayed here together. Might as well on the last night.”

  “If you’re sure,” Eren shrugged. Though the embarrassment he used to feel over the apartment when Levi was in it wasn’t present anymore.

  “Remember when I told you I’d live in a cardboard box with you?” Levi asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “I wasn’t lying.”

  Packing wasn’t nearly as bad as Eren expected. Levi had a system, as he was wont to have when there were tasks like this to be done. Eren was skeptical at first, insisting it would be quicker to simply throw things in boxes haphazardly, but Levi had made sure the weight was distributed well, explaining to Eren that stuffing thirty books into a box was probably going to be too much.

  It wasn’t until it was well past dark and they’d finished their late dinner of pizza that they decided to stop for the night. They’d packed most of Eren’s clothing, the few knick-knacks he had on a shelf, and all of Eren’s electronics, which wasn’t much, to begin with. The bathroom and rest of the kitchen could be left for the next day.

  Levi stacked the last completed box by the entrance while Eren collapsed back on the sofa, hands scrubbing over his face. “I’m exhausted.”

  When Eren opened his eyes, he looked up and saw Levi hovering over him before he was kneeling next to the sofa. He asked to take a shower and to borrow something for bed from Eren, which had his heart soaring. The idea of Levi wearing his clothing struck something within Eren that he couldn’t put a name to, but it made his chest puff a bit at the thought.

  He was nervous while Levi cleaned up, and busied himself making everything perfect. He changed his sheets, remade his bed as neatly as possible, smoothed out every minute crease he could find before he was arranging and rearranging the pillows over and over in an anxious attempt to occupy himself.

  They’d made up, but there was still fear of something he couldn’t quite identify. Levi didn’t seem to have any lingering resentments, but the argument had left a wound, and though it had scabbed over, it hadn’t completely healed. It was still tender and overly sensitive, and Eren took a deep breath, tried to shove those thoughts to the side and concentrate on how much better things currently were. Levi still wanted to be with him, and he wouldn’t awaken alone in the morning.   

  When Levi emerged from the bathroom, Eren tried to avert his eyes as he changed. It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate his body, didn’t find him the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Pale skin covered in the blackness of those swirling tattoos, the delicateness of his small frame covered in long, lean, powerful muscles. That was all gorgeous to Eren. He appreciated the view supremely, and in any other circumstances, he’d have been crawling across the bed and pulling Levi down on top of him, but it didn’t feel quite right to be ogling him right then with all that had transpired. Sex and sexualizing Levi was the last thing on his mind. There would be time for that, so much more time for that in the future, tonight was about something different.

  Seeing Levi turn and stand at the end of his bed in his pajamas made Eren’s heart twist with affection, though. It was satisfying to observe how his baggy shirt slid down Levi’s shoulder. The left one, it was always the left, leaving the little hollow behind his collarbone exposed for Eren to observe. It looked so beautiful to Eren with the way the dim light highlighted it. The sleeves nearly obscured the entirety of his hands, and Eren knew if he looked at his feet, they’d be hidden by the too long fabric of Eren’s pajama bottoms. Every small detail Eren noticed heightened the need to take Levi in his arms more, and he had to stop himself from moving forward and forcing Levi down onto the bed to snuggle with him.

  They’d been avoiding looking directly at each other, but when their eyes met, Eren was sure he saw a faint blush come to Levi’s cheeks as he brought a sleeve to his nose.

  “They smell like you,” Levi whispered.

  Eren swallowed hard. “Is that a bad thing?”

  “No,” Levi shook his head and smiled.

  “I like you in them,” Eren said and reached his arm forward, beckoning Levi closer.

  Levi grasped his hand, climbed onto to the bed and into Eren’s arms until he was comfortably settled as the little spoon. The quiet descended between them again, and Eren just buried his nose in Levi’s hair and breathed him in, felt completely peaceful when he noticed the warmth of Levi’s back pressed against his body. It felt like Levi was made to be right there.

  It was comfortable, it was reassurance, but there were still words unspoken between them, and Eren could feel them tumbling around on the tip of his tongue.

  He squeezed Levi’s hand lightly before he spoke. “You’re not as awful as you’re always trying to convince me you are.”

  Levi was quiet for so long that Eren began to get worried. “Levi?”

  “I’m thinking of how to say it,” Levi assured Eren. “I figured I was doing a good job loving you until the other night.”

  “You are!” Eren gently argued.

  “I understand why you get pissed at me when I say I’m shitty,” Levi explained. “It didn’t make sense at first.”

  Eren was teetering on the edge of telling Levi to stop, so afraid of either of them getting worked up, but Levi sounded calm, and Eren followed his lead and tried to just think about what Levi said before he responded. “It made me feel like you must think I’m a sucker or stupid.”

  “I don’t think that you're stupid or a sucker. I believe that you have a bigger heart than most people.” Levi pressed a kiss to Eren’s palm. “I’m lucky to have you, that’s all I mean. I’m shit at saying things right.”

  “I was upset the other night when you said that,” Eren admitted. “I should have told you then.”

  “That night we were playing around, and I spanked you, you got emotional,” Levi said and paused then dug his fingers deeper into Eren’s forearms before he continued, “I knew you were, I shouldn’t have been short with you. I should have been more careful, and I probably got carried away, to begin with. You might have liked it, but it was too much, too hard for the first time, and I didn’t take care of you afterward.”

  “I liked it,” Eren countered. He’d enthusiastically agreed to it, asked for it, and it was more than kinky fun, it was something near spiritual for him. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  Levi turned in Eren’s arms, looked carefully at him, and that familiar devoted expression was there, the one where there was no obfuscation in his countenance and Levi was laying himself bare for Eren.

  Eren’s heart speed up slightly when he felt Levi’s hand pressed tenderly against his chest, right over his heart. He watched as Levi closed his eyes, and drew a deep breath before he opened them again.

  “You want to know about my past, yes? I didn’t want to talk about it right after we had just fucked when we were laying there. I don’t want to think about other people when I’m naked in your arms, I don’t want to think of them at all, but I’ll tell you.”

  “You don’t have to,” Eren said. “You really don’t.”

  “I do, and I want you to know how bad I fucked up the other night, and why I’m so pissed at myself for letting it happen,” Levi explained.

  “Are you sure?” Eren asked. Now, after they’d gotten past the fight and actually made up correctly this time, Eren wasn’t so sure he still needed to know any of this. Levi hadn’t ever come out and told him anything he didn’t want to unless it was spur of the moment. Those secrets he claimed Eren would someday make him spill, would fall from his lips in the midst of a discussion. Usually when he was trying to convince Eren of something while he was stubbornly refusing help. This was different though. Levi was planning to tell Eren, moistening his lips in what looked like an uncomfortable state as he appeared to be carefully choosing his words, yet he didn’t back down.

  “Yeah, I’m going to tell you. Maybe it will be good for me,” Levi said and smiled small before he continued, “when I was a little younger than you, I met my first boyfriend. The one Erwin was talking about. He was my first relationship, I guess. He was almost twice my age.”

  Eren listened quietly, observed Levi. He looked slightly angry, maybe pained. His expression was tight, but Eren could see his eyes were still unguarded.

  “My mother used to sell herself, you already know that.”

  Levi closed his eyes, just a longer blink than normal, but Eren caught it, wanted to tell Levi to stop again. His chest ached in sympathy, talking about his own parents was never easy, especially not when it came to his mother.

  “I didn’t really see wholesome things growing up. I saw my mom get beat up, men treat her like shit. She was a teenager when she had me, then my grandparents kicked her out... not that they took care of her much to begin with. She continued turning tricks to take care of me, but growing up in a house with pimps coming by and that shit going on, I didn’t know what normal sex was. It’s not like she did it where I could see, but I heard it, I saw the men going in and out of the house. I didn’t know what regular relationships were.”

  Eren didn’t know what to say, this was beyond him. He hadn’t really thought of the ramifications that deeply when Levi had confirmed Bart wasn’t only throwing around insults. He hadn’t given thought to what Levi’s life would have entailed growing up, and he could only imagine. Eren wanted to cry again when he looked at Levi, realized how much he’d suffered. He’d had it far rougher than Eren ever did, and he’d been giving him shit because Levi hadn’t wanted to talk about it.

  “I’m sorry,” Eren said and squeezed Levi’s hand a tad harder, yet he watched to see if it was making Levi uncomfortable or if it was too much affection right then.

  Levi squeezed Eren’s hand back, he almost didn’t feel it because it was only for a second before it relaxed again and Eren ran his thumb over the smaller palm in his grasp.

  “I knew I was into pain, probably because that’s what I associated with sex,” Levi admitted and rubbed his forehead. “I don’t know, I’m just kinky too.”

  It was levity, and Levi smirked slightly. Still, Eren was unsure how to respond. His heart clenched knowing he had essentially forced Levi into this corner. This place where he felt as though he had to tell Eren these painful, uncomfortable details of his past. He could tell Levi to stop, but he knew he wouldn’t. Nothing was explained begrudgingly, or with annoyance, it seemed like Levi wanted to get this all out, or maybe he _needed_ to.

  “Go on,” Eren said.

  “My boyfriend, the asshole. He was willing to indulge me, actually far too happy to indulge me because he was a sick fuck who enjoyed hurting me, and he didn’t love me. But I wanted someone to do that because I thought that’s what love was. I thought that’s what sex was. There were no safewords, no kisses like you and I share, no taking care of me when it was over. I was a plaything. It took me four years to realize that before I left, and it took me years after that to find the line between what I just like and what I thought I liked because I was fucked up,” Levi quietly explained. He swallowed hard, and peered down at Eren’s chest before he looked back up at him, then stroked the side of his neck. “I don’t want to be that for you, and I screwed up the other night.”

  “It’s not the same,” Eren pointed out.

  “No it isn’t, but it wasn’t right, and it wasn’t what you deserved,” Levi said.

  Eren rubbed his face against Levi’s. He needed that connection, needed to feel the warmth of his skin against his lips and the tip of his nose. When he spoke, it was quiet, against Levi’s cheek at first. “I was selfish and acted like a kid, you didn’t deserve that either.”

  “We were both assholes, and I’m sorry,” Levi said.

  “I’m sorry too,” Eren said then leaned over, and turned out the light, lips finding Levi’s in the dark. If he went to sleep and woke up with Levi still there, he’d know everything was all right.  

  “Eren?” Levi whispered when they parted, fingers lightly skimming down Eren’s face.

  “Yeah?”

  “Can I still call you, ‘brat,’” Levi asked, “or did I ruin it forever?”

  Eren kissed the edge of Levi’s jaw. “You can still call me ‘brat.’”


	17. Chapter 17

  What Eren noticed first upon waking during the night was the feel of Levi still nestled against him, cloistered snugly in his arms. He was warm and there and Eren’s, their fingers entwined loosely together under soft blankets.

  It was silly Eren supposed, but there was relief that Levi hadn’t disappeared or been a figment of his imagination. That nagging insecurity had cropped up when he’d laid his head on his pillow hours earlier refusing to relent, though. A self-defeating voice in the back of his mind, insisting Levi would vanish like everyone else had.

  Recent events had only amplified those irrationalities which Eren mostly attempted to ignore. It was why a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth when he discovered Levi had not only remained but he hadn’t strayed or rolled away. Just moved closer after Eren had succumbed to sleep, his smaller frame molded against Eren’s from his head to his feet like something magnetic was pulling him closer.

  So close that it wasn’t difficult for Eren to register the smell of Levi’s hair as he came to full wakefulness. Obsidian strands were teasing at his nose and cheeks, and the urge to open his eyes was there, yet Eren didn’t. Instead, he swept his lips over the back of Levi’s neck, inhaled his scent as deep as he could and squeezed his arms tighter around him.

  A quiet moment of peacefulness, one where all in his world was right, and they were the only two in it. A world where the tiniest touch felt as profound and deep as the most heartfelt admissions that they’d whispered to each other at those times their guards were shed entirely.

  He couldn’t stop touching, grazing his fingers over Levi’s knuckles, rubbing his cheek against the soft stubble of Levi’s undercut, and it struck him that he’d taken this for granted as he stroked his thumb over Levi’s palm and earned himself a soft sigh in return. Small things like the feel of Levi’s skin silky smooth across his fingertips, the sound of his breathing, the puff of air across his other hand that was settled near Levi’s face on the pillow.

  There was an uncomfortable twinge in Eren’s chest when he heard Levi’s breath quicken, realizing with piercing clarity that he could have lost this had he been more reckless during their argument, that he was lucky Levi had sought him out. Levi could have slipped through his fingers all because of stubbornness, and the thought of how close he may have come gave Eren pause. He’d be alone. He wouldn’t be holding Levi or kissing that sensitive little spot behind his ear as he was now.

  It was feather light as not to wake Levi, but Eren heard a quiet hum from him in his sleep, and Levi snuggled closer, pushing himself back harder against Eren.

  Eren was left longing to hear that pleasing sound again, the urge to touch too intense to ignore. He ran his fingertips lightly over Levi’s jaw, heard something between a gasp and a whine as Levi slipped his hips back toward Eren slightly.

  Levi was still asleep, though reacting to Eren’s caress, and Eren couldn’t resist skimming his hand down Levi’s side. Slipped it up under his shirt, tracing the muscles in Levi’s stomach that tensed beneath his hand when Levi pushed his ass back against Eren’s pelvis a second time.

  This time Eren didn’t stop himself from pressing forward, his cock beginning to stir.

  He tried not to do it again, not wanting to awaken Levi, but Levi was grinding back toward Eren once more, and he lazily rutted against him a few times.

  “Brat…” Levi whispered, voice raspy with sleep. “I hope you were going to wake me up for it.”

  Though it was dark and Levi was facing away from him, Eren could feel the blush rise in his cheeks, warmth spreading there at having been caught, grateful Levi couldn’t see.

  “I was trying to ignore it,” Eren countered before he swallowed and continued, “but you smelled so good, and you’re warm, and you were pushing against me there, and-“

  “By ‘ _there’_ …” Levi cut Eren off, shifted his arm quickly, his smaller hand moving to palm Eren’s dick over his pajamas, grasping him gently. “You mean right here?”

  Levi had asked quietly, sweetly, the tremble in his voice was nearly indistinct, though Eren heard it all the same, and it all felt so contrary to the way Levi was clutching him. How he was sliding his hand up and down over his rapidly hardening length, pressing his thumb right up under the head until Eren moaned.

  Eren could only close his eyes and whimper, “I missed you.”

  Levi turned swiftly, and Eren yelped when Levi threw his leg over his thigh, ground his cock slow and hard over Eren’s before he was rolling them leaving Eren on top, fighting the darkness to stare down at Levi.

  “I’m here now,” Levi said as he reached out, hands coming up either side of Eren’s head, cradling his jaw.

  Smooth thumbs circled Eren’s cheekbones while Levi’s fingers tensed gently in messy bed hair and scratched lightly at his scalp as he leaned up to take Eren’s lips with his own.

  It was delicate and exploring at first, as if they were being reacquainted, Eren’s heart swelling up in his chest before he felt like it was going to fly away and something cracked. It shifted from soft to ravenous, some unnameable emotion filling the space between them.

  Eren was breathless and panting sooner than usual, and he suddenly wanted to press Levi hard against the mattress below them, scratch his nails over the pale skin that was currently under his hands until it bloomed red. He wound up so quickly inside that he felt light-headed. A small flame burned in Eren’s chest, sparked into an inferno when Levi’s mouth smashed against his and Levi sharply bit his lip.

  Eren bit right back. Did it harder a second time when Levi captured his wrists, pinned them behind his back, and wrapped his legs tightly around his waist.

  Quickly, it became a frenzied jumble of arms, legs, hands and discarded clothing as they fought each other for dominance. Their mouths barely left one another’s, only pulling away slightly to draw breath before they’d crash back together. Eren could taste blood, his lip banging into Levi’s teeth as he haphazardly devoured the smaller man beneath him. Although Levi’s diminutive stature made it no easier for Eren to maintain control, and he was sure Levi was _allowing_ him to have the top when a sinful, “fuck me!” was breathed into his mouth.

  He’d never pictured this happening in his apartment, they’d spent such little time there, but Eren was thankful he’d thought ahead weeks before and bought condoms and lube to stash at his house on the off chance they ever found themselves there and wanting. He growled almost warningly in Levi’s ear before he kissed him hard and fished under his bed to retrieve what they needed.

  Levi wasn’t practically tearing at Eren anymore when he leaned back over him and hastily opened the bottle, but twisting impatiently on the bed below him, whining, his eyes all but begging when Eren’s own met them. He’d never seen Levi that wanton before, his back arching, neck stretching as his head fell back into the pillow, fingers digging into Eren’s thighs when he circled a lubed digit between his ass cheeks.

  Eren tried to be careful, mindful. Even with the aggressive foreplay, they’d engaged in minutes before, Eren knew this wasn’t the time to be rough. That was until Levi slammed his hips down before Eren had even gotten his finger all the way inside. He watched in shocked awe as Levi’s eyes fluttered open, fixing him with a determined stare as he clenched around him when he carefully pulled back and pressed back inside.

  “Fucking _harder_ ,” Levi commanded through gritted teeth, and he looked like he was daring Eren to do it. His mouth quirked up into that familiar lopsided smirk, eyes narrowing as he snapped his hips.

  The next several minutes were a blur, punctuated with curses and demands from Levi as Eren thrust his finger sharply into him, giving Levi a second along with the first when he ground out a hissing, “More.”

  Levi’s fingers clawed at Eren’s thighs where he’d grasped them, using them for leverage to grind his ass down against Eren’s hand. He looked fucking debauched, and Eren kept a close watch careful not to hurt him while he did his best to give Levi precisely what he was insisting he needed. Their lovemaking had never been so fierce and hurried and desperate. It was as if Levi couldn’t get enough, couldn’t get it hard or fast enough. It was deliciously filthy, and it made Eren’s cock leak with the need to fill Levi with it.

  Though he was torn by a seed of guilt, there was a desire to do as Levi instructed, fueled by that gnawing discontent that still resided in Eren, not with Levi himself but with everything that had happened between them.

  It hadn’t ceased to bother Eren that it occurred at all, and as Levi challenged him to screw him into the mattress when he was no longer satisfied with only fingers, it dawned on Eren that it was what he wanted as well.

  There was a clash between them again, Levi biting at Eren’s neck before he was trailing a line of open-mouthed kisses up it, wrapping his arms snugly around his shoulders while Eren busied himself trying to open the condom package in the dark.

  Eren was always careful when he first entered Levi, going slowly, not ramming himself in too abruptly, but the press of calves against his ass shoving him forward left no possibility of kindly slipping inside.

  There was nothing close to a build up, the sounds of grunts and moans immediately echoed loudly off the walls, assaulting their ears as Eren plowed into Levi like he had no regard. There were moments when Eren would attempt to back off, but the delectably sweet pain Levi delivered spurred Eren on. Hard nips placed against his heated skin in reprimand each time he tried, vicious swats to his ass, and Levi’s fingers pinching his skin so hard it was sure to leave bruises.

  “Fucking break me,” Levi half ordered, half begged.

  Hands squeezed sweat covered skin as Eren gripped Levi’s thighs, spread him wide as he could when nails bit into his shoulder blades. His skin prickled everywhere Levi touched with hands and lips and teeth. Teeth that were peppering his neck with bites between commands of harder and more, then keening whines and something near a rumble in Levi’s throat when Eren hit that place inside of him.

  They’d never fucked like this, but Levi was clinging to Eren, practically hanging off him, his hips inching up off the bed, heels pushing harder into the small of Eren’s back with each unrepentant drive into his body. Eren’s cock twitched when Levi clenched around him and breathed obscenities close to his ear. It drove Eren faster, thighs that were on the verge of cramping trembled until he was biting the crook of Levi’s neck quite forcefully and spending himself inside with a sound close to a roar.

  Eren tried to catch his breath, rubbed his face against Levi’s neck, kissed where he’d left angry red marks as Levi’s hands stroked down his back before Levi was flipping them and staring down at him almost predatory. It was only for a moment before it softened, and his hands reached out, stroking Eren’s face and taking it in his shaking hands. 

  They only stared at each other, something inside both of them unwinding, dissipating, as if they’d seen each other out of focus and the lens was no longer blurred.   

  “We’ve had our grudge-fuck,” Levi finally whispered, diving closer and sliding his lips over Eren’s jaw as he continued, “now let me take care of you.”

  Eren turned his head to the side, he hadn’t really done that, he would never. “It wasn’t a grudge-fuck.”

  He wasn’t angry with Levi anymore, he hadn’t been for days. There was only that little tug of irritation and discomfort which had still lingered, feelings that had seemed all too consuming until he had come inside Levi moments before.

  “If I had a problem with it, I would have made you stop, Eren. Don’t be sad.”

  Eren felt Levi’s hand soft and sure against his cheek as he coaxed him to look at him. His eyes strained in the dark, but he could see well enough to make out that Levi’s expression was warm, devoted, perhaps there was a touch of concern with the way his brows were gently drawn down.

  “I’m sorry,” was all Eren said, the shame making it too difficult to say anything more.

  “Don’t be, we needed it,” Levi explained. “Are you upset?”

  “I don’t think so,” Eren answered. His voice was watery, and he was trying not to get mad at himself when he reached out, fingers outlining the bite mark he’d left near Levi’s neck. “I didn’t think we’d ever have sex like that, though. I wouldn’t ever want to hurt you, and I think I did.”

  Levi’s fingers came to rest over Eren’s. “I like the reminder. You could only be that upset with me if you loved me a lot.”

  Eren nodded. He understood. They’d fucked away any aggression they felt toward each other. Thrown off the last vestiges of lingering hurt, the unspoken words between them that they couldn’t find were revealed differently, yet they had been conveyed nonetheless.

  “Do you feel better?” Levi questioned.

  Eren wiped eyes that like all too often, were filling with tears. “Yeah. I wasn’t angry at you though, I don’t know what I was, but not angry. I don’t want you to think I was.”

  Levi looked thoughtful for a moment, eyes darting up before he spoke. “Call it angst, frustration, stress. What matters is that it’s gone now. Whatever leftover shit there was between us doesn’t exist anymore.”

  “I think it made me love you more,” Eren quietly admitted.

  “Me too,” Levi said and pressed a soft, slow kiss against Eren’s mouth, traveled down his throat and chest. When he made it to Eren’s navel, he stopped, and Eren felt Levi's fingers pull the condom off. “I’ll show you.”

  “ _Please_ …”

  “I’ll be right back.”

  Levi was gone for a few minutes, but upon his return he carefully cleaned away the evidence of their coupling from Eren’s body, pressing kisses to his cheeks and chin and forehead as he did so.

  It didn’t feel like it was completely right that it was happening, but it made Eren’s cock stir the slightest, no matter how exhausted his body already was, though when he thought beyond only himself, he noticed something that caused his brow to crease.

  “You didn’t come,” Eren observed as he looked at Levi’s cock.

  “I will,” Levi smirked.

  “But, I-“

  “It was intentional. I wanted to be able to do this for you,” Levi assured before he was upon Eren.

   Levi’s hands were like matches frisking against Eren’s skin, delicate yet strong fingers kneading into tired muscles as Eren lost himself to it. His guilt and objections quickly buried in the back of his mind.

  It wasn’t hurried or rushed, and all the desperation that was there between them earlier had departed. Levi’s hands were softer and gentler than they ever had been before, or at least, they felt that way to Eren. He needed them everywhere, wanted Levi to slide them across every bit of his skin, leave nothing untouched. He could feel them more keenly over every bruise, scratch, and bite, the connection of skin against skin blessing those wounds, healing him as Levi’s lips and tongue also found those places where he’d marred his flesh.

  “You’re beautiful.”

  The praises whispered across Eren’s body were nearly too much, and he found himself fisting his hands in Levi’s hair in response, so overwhelmed he couldn’t find his voice to say anything back.

  “My perfect brat,” Levi breathed and covered Eren with himself, nails trailing delicately across his hips as they found each other’s lips, and Levi whispered against them, “I’d never let you go.”

  Eren _knew_ , but he needed to hear it, required it not only to be said through the loving caresses that covered him, or with how Levi’s arms were slinking around his shoulders and sliding under his back, but with words from the lips that were now sealed against his.

  When Levi descended down his body again, Eren didn’t want him to go. His hands stretched forward, reaching out, trying to pull Levi back up until slender fingers caught his own and a kiss was pressed to his palm. Reassuring, tender little pecks of Levi’s lips placed against each of Eren’s fingers before Levi was moving lower.

  “Let me love you,” Levi uttered as he moved lower still, his mouth traveling down the top of a tanned thigh while his hand ran teasingly light touches over the other, and Eren was unraveling once more.

  He was too distracted by kisses to the inside of his thighs as Levi pushed them back to his chest to think, a shiver moving down over his already burning body as he felt Levi’s tongue lap at his ass.

  “ _Levi!_ ” Eren’s head snapped up, and he peered through the darkness at Levi, who looked right back.

  Levi answered by circling his tongue over Eren’s opening, never breaking eye contact and Eren felt like his eyes were about to roll back. His head connected with the pillow instead, and he whined Levi’s name again. It felt so fucking good, but it was so lewd, and it made him feel almost too exposed at the same time. It was one thing for Levi to put his fingers and his cock there, and though he’d been bashful enough about both of those things in the beginning, this was something else entirely.

  “Do you want me to stop?” Levi asked, and just the feel of Levi’s hot breath over his hole had Eren’s balls tightening.

  He didn’t. It was embarrassing, made him feel vulnerable, and it was definitely the most depraved act he’d ever participated in, but Eren didn’t care.

  “No, don’t stop!” Eren squeaked out when Levi hadn’t continued, threw his forearm over his eyes, and decided if there was a hell he was most certainly going there.

  “You like that?” Levi asked breathlessly against his flesh before he was laving Eren again. It wasn’t long before Eren was whining and moving his hips in time with the flick of Levi’s tongue over his entrance. It felt so much different than Levi’s fingers or dick, even when he felt Levi breach him slightly and he tried to stifle his cries for him to go deeper. It was obscene, and so fucking naughty, which was in such stark contrast to the hot wet tender strokes over that most private place. Levi was practically making slow, gentle love to his asshole with his mouth, and Eren was pretty sure he could sit on Levi’s face for hours if he ever allowed it.

  He’d let Levi do anything he wanted to him, and Eren wasn’t sure if his still raw nerves were what made it easier to lay there shamelessly thrusting himself into Levi’s face, or if he was merely just that depraved. It didn’t matter though, Levi was touching him and loving him. No matter how risque the act itself was, he felt love and affection through it, Levi taking care of him, watching him begin to crumble apart beneath his mouth and hands and body.

  “You _do_ like that,” Levi drawled against skin slippery with saliva, cupped Eren’s balls and rolled them between his fingers. “Feels like you’re about to lose it, though.”

  Eren nodded slowly, though he was apprehensive to confirm it. Levi’d had him teetering near that edge for the last few minutes, and Eren was sure a few strokes to his cock would have him exploding. Still, he wanted more of Levi, didn’t like the short bit of physical distance between them now. He craved the security of Levi doing something, doing anything to him.

  Levi’s mouth withdrew, and Eren whined and raised his hips trying to entice him back between his legs, but Levi’s lips were again on the inside of his thigh instead, nipping and kissing at the tender flesh there. “If I keep going this will be over too fast.”

  Levi was right, and Eren didn’t want it to to be over quickly, but he couldn’t stand that empty feeling inside, the stimulation bringing him almost to the breaking point, only to have it disappear.

  “Levi, I need, I _need_ … _I need_ …”

  He felt Levi shift, didn’t hear the sound of the bottle, but when Levi settled again, he felt fingers slick and cold and dripping prodding at his entrance.

  “Did you come back down enough?” Levi asked just teasing the outside.

  “I think,” Eren said. He wasn’t sure, but he didn’t care, he wasn’t sure he even wanted Levi to bother stretching him, all he wanted was Levi inside him, covering him, grounding him back into the reality that he felt had nearly slipped away. He wanted Levi to finish mending his heart and fix any cracks he’d left in Levi’s too.

  Levi didn’t question him again, and Eren warmed knowing that he believed him, that he’d allowed him to wrap himself around him with his arms and legs as he draped his body over Eren’s and began to ready him.

  Levi wasted no time finding that place deep inside as he gently pushed against it, and Eren bit his hand to stop the whining.

  They were both already bruised and marked, but Levi swatted his hand away, pressed his mouth against Eren’s giving him that to work with instead. The time for damage and blood and scrapes was over.

  Eren didn’t grind himself down against Levi’s hand, could barely concentrate with the way Levi was stroking him inside with two fingers now or with how his tongue gently licked into his mouth soft and careful and seeking.

  He broke away for a moment, moved his hand up to tangle in soft black hair when Levi descended toward his neck so he could pull Levi back to look at him.

  “Levi?”

  “What?” Levi asked, shining grey eyes boring lovingly into brilliant green.

  Eren licked his lips, stalling for a moment. He wasn’t sure how to ask, and he was even less sure what Levi’s response would be. He’d had the thought on a whim though, and Levi’s name had passed his lips without forethought when he’d drawn his attention.

  “This time, I want you to come in me,” Eren said, surprised at how smooth his own voice came out.

  “I did the first time,” Levi said.

  “Not like that,” Eren murmured, though he sounded surer of himself when he continued, “I don’t want to use a condom.”

  He expected the worse with the way Levi’s eyes narrowed, and his brow creased as the fingers inside him stilled. Though, he knew even if Levi said no, that he wouldn’t forsake him, it would only possibly be awkward.

  “Why?” Levi asked, his voice giving no hint of whether he was against the idea or not.

  “Because I don’t want anything between us.” Eren wanted to look away, but he didn’t.

  “Not because of the fight?” Levi inquired.

  Eren had a feeling Levi would go there, but he didn’t relent. It wasn’t why he wanted it.

  “No. I want to feel you, and I want you to feel me.”

  Levi didn’t answer right away, and Eren’s heart pounded wildly in his chest, Levi didn’t move, but Eren could still feel his body stretched around him. He tried not to push, kept the moan that was building up in his throat from escaping.

  “I trust you,” Levi eventually said and captured Eren’s lips before his fingers retreated.

  Eren looked past heavy-lidded eyes when Levi kneeled between his legs, chewed on his lip as he watched Levi slick himself up.

  Any uncertainty that had made a home within Eren while he awaited Levi’s answer was dashed away when Levi leaned back over him and thrust up against him. He felt desperate and needy writhing against Eren, though it was slow, emotional, Levi’s dick sliding against Eren’s while he tenderly sucked up a bruise on Eren’s throat. It made Eren lose his breath, his body tremble when he thought about how Levi could just slip inside him at any moment.

  He whimpered, unable to keep his mouth clamped shut anymore. It wasn’t so much the sensation of Levi rutting against him, how the tip of his cock dragged against Levi’s abs every time he glided up his body, but something else. That feeling that they weren’t close enough. That being skin to skin, the familiar weight of Levi atop him, his tongue now plunging between his lips wasn’t sufficient. Eren needed to be one with Levi, but he didn’t think that would ever be all he needed. He wanted to crawl up inside of Levi’s chest or melt into him.

  A begging ‘please’ sat ready to jump on the tip of Eren’s tongue, he almost said it then faltered for a moment when Levi nuzzled his face against his cheek, body stilling before he shifted and gingerly nudged against Eren’s ass.

  There was a need to do something to drive him forward faster for a moment before Eren’s whole body went slack along with Levi’s as they gazed at each other. Drank one another in, and Levi slowly dissolved that gap between them, burying his cock all the way inside until he was balls deep.

  Neither looked away as Levi began to slowly rock into Eren, both men testing the feel of being connected with no barrier between them.

  “You’re warmer,” Levi observed, rested his forehead against Eren’s shoulder when Eren stroked down his back, kneaded his hips, savored the feel of them rolling under his palms.

  To Eren, it didn’t feel that much different, but there was a slight change, one he felt more keenly each time the head of Levi’s cock dragged over his prostate.

  Levi’s breath was heavy against Eren’s skin, and Eren lost himself to the sensations of Levi inside of him and all around him, existed in some realm where everything was just Levi, Levi, Levi. It felt like they were fusing together, Levi’s body never parting from Eren’s as he delicately lunged into him slow and deep.

  “ _Levi_ ,” Eren murmured, coming out of the trance enough to speak. He didn’t know why he’d called for him, what he wanted, but Levi stretched his neck, peered up at Eren fondly, so fond the expression nearly hurt.

  There was a look of understanding on Levi’s face before he wrapped strong arms around Eren, shifted back, and hefted Eren effortlessly into his lap. Eren gasped, fingers scrambling at Levi’s back, legs constricting around Levi’s muscular thighs to prevent him from slipping out.

  The position was instantly more filling, Eren’s weight pressing Levi in as far as he could go. He raised himself up on his knees, but Levi had his hips in his hands, pushed Eren back down over his dick and held him fast as he drove his hips up. The angle had Eren practically screaming, and he threw his hand over his mouth, only to have Levi pull it away like always.

  “I want to hear you,” Levi whispered against the base of his neck, licked at the hollow there under his Adam’s apple.

  Eren only nodded and leaned his head against Levi’s neck. The height difference caused him to bow his back, the shift in position causing Levi’s cock to relentlessly beat against that spot inside him.

  “I’m going to make you fall to pieces in my arms,” Levi promised, carefully grasped Eren’s face to make him look at him and pulled his head down, so their foreheads were touching.

  “I love you, you’re mine,” Levi breathed, and Eren cried.

  He really had to stop doing that all the time. Though Levi didn’t seem to care. He only kissed away the tears from his cheeks, trailed a hand up and down Eren’s spine as he wrapped his free arm around Eren’s lower back and began to lift him up faster and drop him back down over his cock.

  Every touch, every slide of their bodies against each other imparted something, a new commitment deeper than before, unspoken yet understood between them. Eren could see Levi better in the darkness now, held his face in his hands as he branded every inch of skin with kisses and breath and endearments that were so difficult to convey with words. Scribed everything in his heart onto pale cheeks tinged pink until Levi took his voice away.  

  Eren could feel the pressure inside him growing, his entire body beginning to quiver when Levi’s fingers trailed over his side, traced their way down his stomach and encircled his cock. He could hear Levi’s breath speeding up as he jerked him, voice stuttering out “I love you’s” like he was repeating a spell or invoking a god.

  “I love you, I love you, I love you so much,” Eren chanted back, felt Levi’s muscles slowly pulling tighter under his hands, his own bunching up, body rising as he drove his cock up into Levi’s fist. He didn’t want it to stop, but it was as if he were tumbling down a hill rather than dropping over a cliff, gaining speed, their bodies moving ever closer in unison to bliss.

  Levi broke first. His arm tightening around Eren until he was smashed flush up against him, Levi’s hand flying over his dick so fast, yet tenderly, lovingly as Eren felt the hot wash of Levi’s seed fill him while he pulsed inside.

  It was what had Eren finally reaching his own completion, his limbs stiffening almost painfully before he slumped in Levi’s arms, and Levi carefully lowered them back to lay on the bed.

  They stayed there, wrapped in a sphere of only them, tangled limbs and sticky flesh feeling like it was knitting together until their breath evened out. Nothing felt like the right thing to say. As if there wasn’t precious enough language in existence to convey what either of them was feeling.

  Eren was the first to break the silence, fingers resting against Levi’s jaw as he looked in his eyes. “I’d steal the moon from the sky for you.”


	18. Chapter 18

  Though it was well past one when he returned, it hadn’t taken long for Levi to shower, change, and arrive back at Eren’s apartment.

  Eren had turned over the keys to Levi knowing he’d be lagging, but Levi was back sooner than he’d anticipated. Now Eren heard both he and Hanji’s voices inside as he rushed to finish dressing.

  “Oi, Brat,” Levi called. “I conscripted Hanji for the use of their SUV.”

  “’Conscripted?’ I thought I was getting dinner,” Eren heard Hanji argue.

  “You’ll get dinner as long as we hurry up. We’re burning daylight.”

  In truth, what had slowed the day down was procrastinating rising from bed when Eren and Levi awoke in the morning. They’d stayed tangled together for over two hours talking. Reassurances that neither of them verbalized they needed to be given whispered back and forth between kisses and nuzzles and fond strokes to their sleep-warmed skin.

  Then lazy morning sex, Eren taking Levi sweetly. Levi holding on tight while Eren ground into him with slow circles of his hips as he covered Levi’s face in kisses, insisting he had to give back what Levi gave him only hours earlier.

  It was so much different than the night before when they’d been loud, overwrought, somewhat frantic and starved inside even the second time. This was peaceful, like a secret whispered between the two of them, only the sounds of panting and occasionally uttered names filled the room until they were gripping each other, holding on as if they’d be torn apart, hot and sweaty, reaching their climax in near unison.

  To Eren’s relief, he hadn’t cried this time.

  The weight of the impending change settled between them after that, not uncomfortable, not wrong, more like a quiet realization neither of them spoke of through words. Conveyed to one another instead, with touches and knowing looks, an understanding reached. It was like falling in love all over again, except this time they had swept themselves soundly past the point of no return. 

  It was only when Levi regretfully extricated himself from Eren’s arms, reminding him that there were tasks to deal with that they parted finally. Though just long enough for Levi to walk home, get cleaned up and come back with his car.

  Now Eren was skidding out of his bathroom as quickly as possible. He rounded the corner only to run into Hanji. Their hand was right on target, fingers scrubbing affectionately at Eren’s messy locks as they squealed in delight.

  “I’m so glad you two stopped acting like idiots,” they declared and tugged on damp hair. “You guys were killing me.”

  Eren chewed his lip as he peered at Levi across the room. He was leaning near the door, one foot braced behind him against the wall, a tiny smirk gracing his lips for a moment as he flicked his eyes between Eren and Hanji then back again.

  “Sorry,” Eren sighed with a smile, ran his hands through his hair in mock annoyance that Hanji had messed up his eternally tousled locks. “We’ll try to never do it again.”

  “You better not,” Hanji grinned. “I knew you’d work it out though. Like I’ve said before, you’re perfect for each other. Like two pieces of a puzzle, the sun and the moon, yin and yang, or-”

  “That’s enough of your tenderhearted bullshit, Hanji,” Levi interrupted. “Save it for later and pick up a box.”

  There was no malice to the quip, and Hanji smirked and rolled their eyes before they were walking toward the stack of boxes Levi had made the night before, but not before ruffling Levi’s hair on the way. This earned a scowl from Levi, followed by a sputter from Eren.

  By the time they made it back to the bar, it was near three in the afternoon, though it seemed to move faster than Eren anticipated. The single trip with both Levi and Hanji’s vehicles to get the possessions he wasn’t storing to the apartment more surprising than it should have been.

  Levi was immediately hurrying them along, and Eren found himself standing at the bottom of the stairs, the first box he’d retrieved from Levi’s car clasped in his hands. He glanced down at it and sighed, noting it was labeled, ‘ _books,'_ wishing he had picked up something different. Something easy like ‘ _pants’_ or his computer. At least then he’d know where those were going.

  He supposed he could stow the contents away in one of his drawers for the time being. Eren’s collection wasn't like the leatherbound volumes Levi had on display in the bedroom. His weren’t pretty, just cheap paperbacks, the pages yellowed with age, and they smelled stale, some perhaps a little mildewy. They weren’t anything to show off or leave out for anyone to thumb through.

  He looked up the steps feeling eyes on him, saw Levi at the top of the landing just studying him curiously.

  “Come on, if Hanji ends up carrying everything we’re going to owe them two dinners,” Levi said before he was turning and disappearing back into the apartment.

  Eren followed slowly, his stupid legs shaking while he berated himself for being so throttled over what to do with a small box of books. He told himself he’d find a place, that it wasn’t a big deal, that he was overanalyzing a simple task as he made it into the kitchen and stopped dead in his tracks.

  Levi was nowhere to be seen, but Eren could hear him up in the loft, most likely clearing out space.

  The thought brought a smile to his face, and yet he found himself standing next to the counter motionless, feet refusing to move as he gripped the edges of the package more forcefully. His head swiveled as he took in the entire apartment wondering just where he should set it down, fearful he would somehow intrude on Levi’s neatly organized space.

  It could never be easy, he realized as he frowned. Eren’s mind refusing to allow him his happiness without the self-doubts and nagging insecurities. That persistent burning ache was back in his chest, and his hands began to shake as the self-defeating voice in his head returned, once again whispering venomous lies to him. It had gotten better, so much better since he’d been with Levi, but sometimes, primarily when there was a more significant change in his life or when he was by himself, that sinister murmur would reappear ready to batter Eren back down, leaving him disconcerted, bouncing between fight or flight.

  He knew Levi wouldn’t have asked him to move in if he didn’t want him there. Still, stepping into someone else’s space to live in it left Eren feeling skittish and fearful he’d make some sort of mistake or overstep boundaries.

  When he saw Levi moving down the ladder, Eren still couldn’t step forward. He only watched as Levi approached, swallowing hard and inhaling a sharp breath once Levi’s hand reached out to cover his. Smooth fingers brushing over his knuckles as those cool grey eyes flicked up and he smiled.  

  He took the box gently from Eren’s hands and placed it on the counter, moved so close they were nearly touching.

    “Remember, you’re mine,” was all Levi said before he leaned up and delicately took Eren’s lips, his tongue stroking tenderly over Eren’s as his hands slid up to hold his face lovingly between them.

  There was something conveyed in that kiss. Levi’s acceptance, soothing away some of Eren’s discomfort, the beat of his frantic heart finally slowing before Levi pulled away, then pressed his lips back against his mouth softly, nearly chaste, and breathed, “this is where you belong,” against them.

  Eren touched his fingers to his lips, blushing furiously when Hanji tromped through the room toward the loft, calling to the two of them as they went.

  “Sweet as it is watching you two make out in the kitchen, this would go a lot faster if I wasn’t the only one carrying boxes.”

  “Sorry,” Eren squeaked and took the package Levi had left on the counter.

  He looked at Levi who was rubbing his forehead and looking at his shoes, swore he saw the slightest bit of a blush on his cheeks when he glanced up, and their eyes met again.

  “Um, I’m not sure where to put this?” Eren whispered. He was more confident but was still apprehensive about putting anything anywhere for fear of doing the wrong thing.

  “Eren,” Levi began, “you can put your things wherever you’d like.”

  “Are you sure?” Eren asked, then felt stupid for having said it.

  “Do you think I’d tell you that you could if I didn’t want you to?” Levi deadpanned.

  “No,” Eren conceded.

  Levi looked down at the box, traced his finger under the word, ‘ _books’_ scribbled across it in Sharpie, then glanced back up at Eren. “Why don’t you put that in the pile to go up in the loft.”

  “Thank you,” Eren said.

  “Eren,” Levi scolded.

 

XxXxX

 

  The three completed the task of bringing everything inside within an hour, and Eren had become less tense during the constant march back and forth. Levi gifted him with those light teasing touches he had a tendency to run across his back, each time they passed by each other, and it was the comfort Eren needed.

  Sometimes the climbs up the stairs seemed daunting, sometimes freeing. Not physically, but in Eren’s heart. Although each time he’d feel himself becoming unsure, he’d think of the conversation he’d had with Levi. How he’d looked at him, his expression honest and devoted as always. It was something a person couldn’t fake, and Eren knew it was real. Levi wasn’t only attempting to soothe him with hollow words and cheap platitudes. He honestly did want him there.

  When they were ready to go get Eren’s furniture, he slipped into Levi’s car and tried to find his voice, one that didn’t come as he listened to Levi talk about the best way to secure his couch in Hanji’s truck. He’d expected to be out-of-sorts, familiar enough with himself to know his naturally raw emotions would be stretched thin. What he didn’t expect was just how surreal it would all feel.

  The elevator was still broken, so instead of dwelling on it, he put those thoughts to the back of his mind, worked hard to help move his beat-up couch and chair down four flights of stairs. The mattress was more straightforward, and he and Levi finally decided to just slide it down.

  After they cleared out the rest of the furniture that remained, Eren stood near the doorway. Levi was breathing hard, assuring him that he and a few workers from the bar could handle moving it all into storage and suggested Eren stay to clean, if only for better time management.

  Eren understood why. It was getting late, it made sense, but he found himself uneasy with the idea of parting from Levi. He only looked down at him and gnawed his lip as Levi stood before him, Eren’s hands wringing nervously at the thought of being there by himself.

  “Are you sure?” Eren asked, finding the request odd.

  Levi reached up to tangle his fingers in Eren’s hair and pulled him down for a kiss to reassure him once more. It was gentle and slow and calming, made Eren’s chest do that funny thing that felt like his heart was flip-flopping. There was a promise in it, one Eren understood more clearly as they pulled away and their eyes met.

  “I’ll be back soon,” Levi whispered, stood on tip-toes and pressed his lips to Eren’s forehead before he turned to leave.

  He’d expected the emptiness to be oppressive after he heard the click of the door, Levi’s footfalls getting softer and softer as he moved further away, but it wasn’t. It just felt weird, some unnamed emotion Eren couldn’t quite put his finger on tugging in his gut. He felt alone and self-conscious and at the same time felt there was no reason to be there.

  Perhaps it was that oppressive silence that caused it to feel so strange. The one that seemed to be following Eren everywhere he went recently. It was so often like that to him lately, and he’d found it most painful when he’d been there after he and Levi’s fight.

  Maybe he wasn’t used to it anymore. Not hearing the sound of Levi’s music playing, the clatter of him fiddling in the kitchen, the quiet scratching of a broom across the floor as he cleaned, or the soft puffs of his breath against his ear.

  Whatever is was, all he wanted at that moment was to get his tasks there finished, knowing he could soon hear those sounds again.

  He walked through the living room and into the kitchen, opened the closet and pulled out his cleaning supplies. Dusting and scrubbing would make time move faster, or at least, it would seem like it did.

  Once he was working, mop in hand, Eren found the experience wasn’t much like the day he moved in. There was a ponderousness to it that he couldn’t identify, though it was dissimilar to the burden he’d felt when he’d first took up residence.

  It had been equally weighty but different. That day Eren had spent far too many of his valuable monthly minutes talking with Armin and Mikasa. His nerves rattled, and a sadness pressing upon him as he became more and more lonely.  

  The hours then had ticked by slowly, and it seemed like he’d spent days plucking cobwebs from cracked corners, washing cabinets and mopping scratched linoleum that stubbornly refused to ever come clean. In contrast, the time he spent there alone as he said goodbye to that place, felt like minutes. His focus elsewhere and propelled toward better things.

  It was only was when Levi returned to pick Eren up, and they were alone again in Eren’s empty home that the gravity of what he was doing hit him. Levi was checking cabinets and rooms, making sure nothing had been left behind, and Eren was standing in the middle of his living room, backpack hefted over his shoulders, remembering how grateful he’d been when he found this months before.

  His fingers tightened around the broom in his hands as he surveyed his surroundings. This dwelling, this place, it wasn’t great, it never felt like it had been, but it had been _his_ , and he’d taken great pride in being able to secure it at first.

  He looked toward the kitchen, recalled being down on hands and knees washing with a coarse brush, how he’d hated the dirt, but how freeing it had been to have something that he could once again call his own.

  He also remembered how isolated he felt the first night sleeping there, how he had resigned himself to the reality that he would spend his life that way for countless years. Even a few short months ago, he envisioned himself residing there until he had at least finished school.

  How things could change so quickly, he mused when he saw Levi coming down the hall from the bedroom.

  “Hey,” Levi said as he carefully approached, pried the handle of the broom from Eren’s stiff fingers, leaned it against the wall then looked up at him with sterling eyes. His voice had sounded so quiet in the empty space where things usually seemed so much louder.

  Levi sensed Eren was feeling something, Eren could tell that. He could read it in Levi’s expression, his brows downturned slightly above eyes that were open like they so often were for him.

  “You seem tense,” Levi pointed out.

  “I do?” Eren asked.

  “Mhmm,” Levi nodded his head. “You have all day. You’re melancholy.”

  Eren looked up, shoulders slumping as he crossed his arms and squeezed his elbows before his hands fell back to his sides again. “I feel weird.”

  “Weird?” Levi asked.

  Those fucking tears pricked at his eyes like they always did, and Eren wanted to ask Levi why they were persistently there. Why any stupid thing could make him feel so emotional. It didn’t matter if he was happy, angry, sad, or frustrated, no matter what it was, it continually reduced him to a mess. He wanted to know why he couldn’t stand in a shitty apartment that he professed to hate and only feel glad he was leaving it behind. Everything always had to be so difficult for him, so heavy and intense.

  “Are you going to miss it?” Levi prodded when Eren didn’t answer, face softening gently into something close to a smile.

  “As much as I hate it, in some ways, yes.” It was earnest, almost somber, and Eren knew it wasn’t coming off how he’d meant it.  

  Levi frowned, but he didn’t look angry. If anything he appeared fragile again, small with how the light from outside was pouring through the naked windows. It framed him, yet left his front obscured slightly by shadow. Eren knew what power was in that compact body, but sometimes, most often during moments like these, Eren was reminded how breakable he could be.

  “It’s just, it’s not this place,” Eren clarified, not liking the feeling that he’d left Levi hanging. “This apartment represents something else that I’m moving away from. Like I’m reading the last chapter in a book. It feels final.”

  Levi looked down, hand reaching out, fingers wrapping lightly around Eren’s. “If you don’t want to do this you don’t-“

  “No, it’s not that,” Eren cut Levi off. It saddened him that his cryptic answers led Levi to even think that. “It’s knowing things really are changing, I think. This place was like being in limbo. I still had one foot in the past, now I just have the future. I have to say goodbye.”

  “That’s difficult sometimes.”

  “Not difficult,” Eren explained, “but it’s scary.”

  “Scary,” Levi quietly repeated.

  Eren smiled and shifted closer, took Levi’s other hand in his own. “Scary, but good scary. It’s exciting, and I’m happy. My mom and dad are gone, and my friends have their own lives. I need to have my own life too… with you.”

  “Is this when I’m supposed to say something sappy?” Levi smirked and dipped his head.

  Eren knew Levi was hiding, but he didn’t press him, he was as careful as he could be. He wasn’t going to push Levi over those lines if he could help it. He didn’t need to. “You don’t have to.”

  Levi was observing Eren carefully, wore that familiar expression that looked like he was rifling through Eren’s mind, trying to figure out exactly what was happening behind those bright green eyes.

  “I know I don’t have to,” Levi finally said.

  “You always put me back together,” Eren whispered. “I’m sorry.”

  “You do a better job of keeping yourself together than you give yourself credit for,” Levi said.

  Levi was no liar, but it was difficult to see the truth in those words. Eren searched Levi’s face, looking for clarification, any clue as to what Levi possibly saw that he didn’t. Felt Levi’s fingers tighten around his own, his eyes nearly pleading as if he was willing Eren to find it, to search his mind for what it was that he was talking about.

  Eren took in a sharp breath, and it caught in his throat when Levi skimmed his hands up his arms, fingers curling around his biceps, the tips digging in minutely.

  “I don’t feel like I keep myself together,” Eren admitted, his head falling slightly forward.

  “I know,” Levi said.

  “I wish I was better at it.”

  “I know that too.”

  “I’m afraid someday you’ll tire of it,” Eren confessed. Maybe that was a big part of why walking out of that empty space felt like running out into a storm.

  “Give me a chance to prove you wrong,” Levi said.

  They stood there quietly, gripping each other’s arms, staring into each other. Eyes venturing deep into glassy pools that reflected back at one another. This was so much harder than saying, “I love you” the first time, harder than walking out of Levi’s apartment when they’d quarreled.

  They didn’t speak, but Eren pulled Levi towards him, rubbed his cheek gently against his forehead before he gave him a kiss, then leaned back and smiled.

  Eren had envisioned it the other way around, but it was he who was now leading Levi to the door, tugging him through the living room by his smaller hand. There was nothing to be done there other than ruminating over things that could be pondered in a more comfortable place. It was something Eren pictured happening. He knew in the coming days he’d think on what changes his decision would bring, but Eren also knew he was moving forward from the floundering that had consumed him over the past couple years.

  When they were outside in the hall, Levi handed Eren back his keys, looked up into green eyes that were nearly twinkling.

  Eren thought back again to when he’d dropped his keys that fateful day Levi had carried his groceries upstairs, and took a deep breath before he stuck the key in the lock and secured it.

  He turned to Levi when he finished. “Ready?”

  “As long as you are,” Levi smiled.


	19. Chapter 19

  Hanji was at their apartment when Eren and Levi returned, situated at the counter with a cup of coffee awaiting their promised payment of dinner. As much as Eren would have liked to have Levi to himself to cuddle him on the couch, it was unexpectedly comforting. It gave Eren an excuse not to delve into deep conversations right then about the move or pay attention to that little knot of anxiety in his chest.

  He could feel his shoulders dip as he crossed the threshold, trailing behind Levi. Eren wasn’t sure why it happened, possibly because he felt too big in the space, but he lifted his head anyway. His entrance into this place hadn’t been as heavy or momentous as the exit from his old apartment, but there was a magnitude to it that felt closest to an important event or perhaps a holiday.

  The only thing he could liken it to was walking in somewhere and being surprised to discover something there one hadn’t anticipated. It reminded him of opening the mailbox and finding an unexpected birthday card or seeing an old long forgotten friend sitting on the porch as you walked up the sidewalk.

  Levi was considerate enough not to give anything away, only headed into the kitchen as he flicked his hair out of his eyes. There was an almost imperceptible smile on his lips when Eren stopped for a moment and looked around, and they glanced at each other.

  It was that non-smile Eren had noticed when he’d first met Levi. He hadn’t seen it in a while, but he knew it.

  No matter how many times he’d walked through that door before, this time he didn’t feel as if he knew what to do with himself. Was he supposed to help Levi cook, start unpacking boxes, or sit down and start a conversation?

  Levi was grabbing cooking utensils and ingredients out of cabinets, while Hanji was just banging their feet against the stool they were sitting on and looking at their phone.

  Eren moved further away, toward the living room, his fingers moving to toy with the zipper on his hoodie before he looked back at Levi again.

  “Don’t worry about dinner, Eren,” Levi called when he noticed Eren only standing there. “I’ve got this.”

  That made things so much easier. “I’m going to go put my bag away.”

  Levi smiled, genuine and warm, his expression could only be described as understanding or sympathetic.

  “I made room for you,” Levi assured. “Take your time.”

  “You did?”

  Levi clicked his tongue and smiled again. “No, I was going to make you live out of your boxes.”

  It was stupid really, Eren already knew Levi had cleared out space for his things and Levi wasn't being mean. He didn’t understand why he’d even asked though, and Eren cringed at how timid he must have seemed.

  “I can help Levi if there’s anything he needs,” Hanji called.

  “Right,” was all Eren said before he crossed the rest of the space to the ladder.

  He ran his hands over his face and through his hair before he grabbed a rung and began climbing up.

  He was afraid. Of what he wasn’t entirely sure, though his fears didn’t feel like an omen or as if they were warning that he’d made a mistake.

  Fears weren’t always something wrong, they were at times something to acknowledge and embrace, and this path Eren had been traveling down in recent months was fraught with them.

  Sometimes they were irrational, like Eren’s anxiety that Levi would somehow disappear like everyone else. He recognized it. Still, it wasn’t a good enough reason to run away. And it wasn’t a good enough reason to sabotage he or Levi’s happiness like he had suspected he’d unknowingly attempted earlier in the week.

  That needling worry had relented to an extent after Levi had come to Eren the night before, lessened further as more hours went by, settling into something Eren could almost laugh in the face of when he pulled himself up to the loft to put his bag away.

  When he made it to the top, he took in the boxes that were stacked neatly in the corner next to the dresser, ready to be unpacked. Peered into the bathroom and saw Levi had already set some of his things on the counter, and Eren knew if he looked in the medicine cabinet he’d see his other toiletries neatly placed within it.

  He had spent most of his time at Levi’s as of late, but the room felt different now. Not the same as when he awoke there in mornings past, then dragged himself into the bathroom to brush his teeth and shower, or how it felt to put on his pajamas in that very room each night when he’d slept there.

  He went through the usual motion of turning to put his bag in its regular place, eyes widening when it knocked into something wooden, a clunk resounding through the loft as he looked down.

  The spot next to the bathroom door where he always set his backpack on the floor was no longer empty. There sat his shelf. The one which had been in his bedroom in his apartment. It was slightly worn, a little bit battered, the faded Pokemon stickers he’d adorned it with when he was ten were there smiling up at him like always. For all its imperfections, its childish decorations, it was an object he still treasured. A reminder of a childhood filled with happy memories before he’d realized peace and security could be so quickly taken away.

  He reached his hand out, fingertips skimming lightly over the spot his mother often placed small vases of flowers in spring and summer to brighten his room. Then down to the second shelf from the top where she would sometimes leave him cookies on days when the neighborhood boys had picked on him, and he’d found himself in a brawl.

  He drew his hand back, pressed it softly to his chest, fingers curling into a loose fist as he looked up and smiled. 

  “That’s why he left me at the apartment,” Eren whispered, his vision blurring only slightly before he inhaled a deep breath and looked fondly at the shelf once more. 

  It didn’t match the décor, its quality paling in comparison to the beautiful furniture that Levi had filled the loft with. Didn’t measure up to the bedroom set of rich dark wood which Levi had chosen for himself, yet Levi had placed it there nonetheless.

  He had added something of Eren’s to their room, lined the bottom shelves with the small collection of books Eren owned. Ones he had liked enough to pay for, mainly purchased from the quaint used bookstore he had visited on days when he needed to get away, and escapism was his only friend. They were neatly placed, bent bindings and faded covers on display, not hidden away in a drawer or closet due to their unsightliness, but situated where they could be gazed upon.

  His favorite, a well-worn copy of The Iliad and The Odyssey his father had given him stared back from where it was placed on its own shelf.

  Touching as it was, he couldn’t hide up there forever, he couldn’t sit on the floor before those beaten little shelves and appreciate what it all meant in silence for hours like he wanted to. Instead, he sucked in a shaky breath, clamped his stinging eyes shut tight and hung his bag in the closet.

  He wasn’t going to cry.

  It was something he had to remind himself of as he turned to look at the shelf one last time, then climbed down the ladder.

  Later that night it might all be too much. Perhaps when they slid under the covers together, he’d finally break. Eren would sniffle against Levi’s shoulder, tears falling onto his shirt without complaint from Levi while he petted Eren’s head, but not then.

  Eren always had a tendency to lean toward that type of emotional release, but now it felt like something he only wanted Levi to see. Not because he was ashamed, but because the things that made him cry now were private, intimate, they were the product of a piece of Eren that was Levi’s alone. It was similar to what Eren saw from Levi when it was only them. Though he didn’t have the tendency to sob as Eren did, it wasn’t so different really.

  That promise he made to himself moments before almost faltered when Eren stepped onto the first floor. Levi had cooked for him before, but it never smelled quite like this. It was always mouth-wateringly delicious, the kitchen filled as it was now with the scent of fresh herbs, vegetables simmering in broth, and spices lightly toasting in the pans, but this… this smelled like comfort and warmth and belonging. Eren hadn’t experienced this in over two years, now. It felt like home.

  Other than Levi, no one had ever cooked for Eren besides his mother. Whatever Levi was preparing, the aroma was an almost perfect match to soup she had often made during the winter on days which were unusually cold.

  “Hey, Eren,” Hanji said and patted his hand as he took a seat next to them at the counter.

  “Did you get settled in?” Levi turned from the stove, eyebrows rising only a little as he wiped his hands on a towel and set down a Coke in front of him.

  “Y-yeah,” Eren stuttered as he looked down into the glass.

  _Cherries_.

  “I thought you might want to fuck off for tonight and leave unpacking until tomorrow?” 

  Eren didn’t miss that it was a question rather than assumption. Nor that Levi looked at him as if he was trying to read him. He rubbed his eyes, wiped away tears that weren’t there, and fought to keep his voice even.

  Levi had made them meals countless times already, but it had never left him feeling this way, and he struggled to keep up the façade as he spoke.

  “I’m too tired tonight, and I’m starving.”

  “Me too,” Levi said.

  “You were living on Saltines for three days straight,” Hanji interjected. “What do you expect?”

  “Fuck off, Glasses,” Levi scowled and turned back to the stove.

  “Seriously, I tried to bring him food every day, but he wasn’t having any of it,” Hanji explained to Eren.

  “I swear to fuck, I’ll stuff you in this oven, Hanji.”

  “No, you won’t,” Hanji cackled.

  “Or maybe toss you in the shower like the old days,” Levi threatened.

  “No!” Hanji whined.

  “I lived on stale Toasty-O’s,” Eren admitted.

  “All the more reason for the two of you to never do that again.”

  Eren heard Levi sigh before he shoved a cutting board and knife in front of Hanji. “If you’re going to prattle on about this, at least make yourself useful.”

  Though there was a slight discomfort that settled in both Levi and Eren over Hanji’s fussing, it didn’t ruin their time together. They only meant well, and Levi’s secret smirk at Eren while Hanji recounted how distraught they had been quietly conveyed that it was nothing to fret about. And for how much Eren didn’t want to talk about it anymore, for how much he didn’t want to talk to anyone about it other than Levi, he felt only care and friendship from Hanji.

  Those tender feelings Levi always affectionately teased Eren about were cropping up, as he patted Hanji’s back and assured them he and Levi wouldn’t be “morons” ever again.

  It was a sentimentality Eren felt more keenly as the three of them sat through dinner. Everything grew in intensity, not only Eren’s emotions. The food tasted richer, the scent of the wine Levi had chosen was more vibrant than the few Eren had partaken in before. Even the clink of glasses and silverware was louder, a higher more pleasant pitch.

  It was more real, the feel of Levi’s foot lightly tapping against his ankle, or the brush of his hand over his thigh under the table. The way Levi traced fingertips over his side or squeezed the spot right above Eren’s knee, always so reassuring was sweeter now.

  His senses came to life as did his vulnerable heart. Like they’d been obscured previously, some kind of veil thrown over him, or a fog surrounding him. Something that had followed him for the last two years, though Eren knew Levi saw past it.

  At the same time, the evening was a reminder, and he felt that just as strongly. There were similarities to the pleasant nights spent around the table with family. Moments when Eren peered down at the carefully prepared meal on his plate or saw Levi or Hanji smile, and the loss of his parents, felt momentarily heart-rending instead of just sad.

  Levi didn’t question Eren, though Eren noticed quizzical looks from him periodically.

  Hanji lingered long enough to help Levi and Eren clean up, but announced soon after that with a wink and a smirk, that they didn’t want to intrude on their first night living together and were going home.

  Eren gave Hanji a tight hug and said goodnight then began putting the last of the plates in the dishwasher while Levi locked up, feeling once more like he wasn’t sure what to do with himself.

  There was quiet between them while Levi wiped down the counters and Eren swept. It was domestic, comfortable, felt like it was ‘right.’ Normally when Eren stayed over, though he had the run of the place, Levi treated him as if he were a guest. He’d usually insisted on doing most of the cleaning and most of the cooking. When Eren tried to make the bed, Levi always rushed in to help.

  Levi only did it to care for Eren, but now he’d said nothing when Eren had grabbed a broom and decided to assist. Just smiled at him fondly as they brushed past each other and bumped into one another near the sink. 

  When they were finished, Levi shut off the light and wrapped his hand around Eren’s forearm. 

  “Is everything okay?” Levi asked as he tugged him closer, his fingers reaching out to curve over the edge of Eren’s jaw.

  Eren nodded his head, tried to smile, but his lips wouldn’t cooperate. “Everything is perfect.”

  “I don’t want to keep bothering you, but I’m not ignoring things when I notice them anymore.”

  Eren smiled. Levi had learned, just as he had. They’d both taken away something from their quarrel, and each of them was better for it, _they_ were better for it.

  “It’s not like that this time,” Eren whispered.

  “But it’s something,” Levi pointed out, his voice rising in question.

  Eren wet his lips, smile faltering, though not because he was unhappy. “It’s just…”

  How could he say it without tearing up?

  He took Levi’s hand, walked toward the living room and sat on the couch. Levi took his customary spot on the coffee table across from him as he always did when they talked like this, tucking his knees up tight between Eren’s slightly parted thighs. The contact had always been an anchor when Eren couldn’t find the words to say what he was feeling or when things looked bleak. 

  “It’s just,” Eren started and took a deep breath. “I haven’t felt like I had a place in a long time. Not since…”

  “Not since you had your parents,” Levi finished.

  “Yeah,” Eren sighed. “I like this... somehow it’s new and old at the same time.”

  Levi’s hands settled against the tops of Eren’s thighs, though he remained silent.

  “Dinner… it smelled like something my mom used to make.” Eren looked down at Levi’s fingers, felt them pressing tenderly into his legs.

  “I didn’t mean to-“

  “Don’t apologize,” Eren interrupted. “I like to remember her even if it hurts.”

  “You think of them a lot,” Levi softly said.

  “It was hard not to when I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere,” Eren confessed.

  “You belong here,” Levi said.

  “It’s been so long since I had a home.”

  Eren looked at Levi. He was staring right back, searching, silent, almost stoic. He was trying to figure out how to say what he was thinking, Eren knew this. Knew Levi well enough by now to see what was behind those stormy grey eyes.

  He wasn’t sure how he’d ever lived without him.

  Months ago Eren was isolated, depressed, and struggling. He felt as though he only existed. Like each day was a battle to keep his head above water. He’d never dreamed that a walk on a lonely night would have brought him what he had now, and the thought that he could have quietly walked past the bar and never met Levi was terrifying. 

  “Do you feel like you’re home now?” Levi finally asked.

  What his expression conveyed was nearly imperceptible, but Eren saw it there. That dichotomous look of sangfroid apprehension, as if Levi was expecting the worst. It hadn’t taken long for Eren to decipher it. He’d figured it out before he’d even kissed Levi the first time, but regardless of how subtle it was, Eren knew it meant he was fearful of his answer.

  It was at once painful and beautiful. That Levi’s equilibrium could be knocked askew so easily by Eren. His fragile heart was in his hands. A reality Eren came to understand not long after the beginning of _them_. Still, that knowledge didn’t lessen the significance of the realization every time Eren reflected on it.

  It hit him in the chest harder than any fist could. It made his mouth go dry, and his heart speed up. There was a silent confession behind Levi’s eyes, and Eren could only gift him with one as well.

  “If I told you how long it’s been since being with you felt like home, you might call me a sentimental brat.”

  “I always call you a sentimental brat,” Levi said with the smallest laugh, tipped his head down so he could see Eren’s eyes past the bangs they were hiding behind. “Since when?”

  “Since…” Eren hesitated. “Since the first night I slept here.”

  “Good,” Levi said.

  “Good?” Eren parroted.

  “Good because that was the night I realized I love you. It was the first time I ever felt like _I_ was home.”

  “Really?” Eren asked trepidatiously. It wasn’t only a question for Levi, but for himself as well. He wasn’t sure how he hadn’t seen it before now.

  “It’s true,” Levi said, leaned forward, crawled onto Eren’s lap, and pressed their foreheads together. “During that stupid little speech, I gave you.”

  Levi was making confessions, and Eren was going to fall to pieces if he kept looking at him.

  There was no escaping it though. Levi would always do this to Eren. Render him so full of that thing that didn’t have a sufficient word in any language that existed to describe it. Leaving him sure he’d burst with the feeling. Like all the emotion would pour from his burning eyes. Eren’s throat would forever constrict with the affection, knowing their love was as vast as that night sky Levi so loved gazing at. He’d never see all of it because it was so big, but he would try.

  He petted the back of Levi’s head and ran his fingers through silky strands that trailed down Levi’s neck, coaxing him to bury his face against his shoulder.

  “Now who’s the sentimental one?” Eren teased. This was _his_ Levi, one of those little pieces of him he’d longed so terribly to see, and he was in Eren’s arms, his comforting weight pressing on his legs, arms wrapped tightly around Eren’s middle.

  Eren could feel Levi’s fingers tense where they were settled on his back, heard him swallow, felt the space under Levi’s chin contracting against his neck. It was for barely a moment, though it was as if time stretched on for minutes before Levi spoke. “It took you all this time to figure out I was the sentimental one.”

  Eren wanted to point out that the heart emojis might have given it away if only a little, but he tamped it down with a contented sigh, squeezed Levi tighter, and pressed his lips to Levi’s neck instead. “I suppose it did.”

  “Welcome home, my adorably oblivious brat.”

  Eren pulled Levi as close as he could. “Welcome home, my grumpy old bartender.”


	20. Ceremony (Epilogue)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we've reached the end of this story. It's bittersweet. I always love the feeling of a story being complete, but I've enjoyed writing this so much, and I love these versions of them so much. I just hope this epilogue does them justice.
> 
> I want to thank all of you for reading and leaving kudos. And I especially want to thank those of you who have given me feedback, either as comments here, replies on my Tumblr shares, or as messages some of you have sent me privately. You guys are partly responsible for this turning from the five or six chapter ficlet I intended it to be to the completed longfic it has become. My editing process is tedious, slow, and sometimes frustrating. It's what consumes the most of my time when I prepare something to be posted. It's also the one thing I wouldn't do if I kept my stories to myself. You guys are the ones who gave me motivation and the kick in the ass I needed when it became a drag or I got stuck, and there's no way I can ever thank you enough for that.
> 
> Thank you so much again. <3 <3 <3

  “I’m home,” Eren called.

  He shook the last remnants of snow from his head as he walked into the apartment. Fingers tugging at the tie against the base of his neck, freeing now shoulder-length locks. His hair was wet, cool on his hand as he ran his fingers through it, and he rolled his eyes at himself. He should have followed Levi’s advice and taken a hat when he decided to venture into the elements to snap pictures earlier in the evening.

  It had been too good of an opportunity to pass up, being that it was the day after Christmas and an unusual amount of snow had fallen due to a storm. There were areas untouched, places where the snow laid on the ground. Silent, still, virginal, and perfect. Eren had been too excited by its beauty not to run outside with his new camera and capture it.

  He had spent the better part of two hours traveling the nearby city streets before he wound up at the park. It was in that place that he’d found himself in awe, losing track of time as he snapped shot after shot with the gift Levi had given him the day before.

  He already had a good camera, requiring it for his job as a freelance photographer, but he was still starting out, only having graduated a year and a half earlier. Eren could never have afforded what Levi bought him on his own. Not without leaving Levi to pay for everything so he could save up. It was something Levi didn’t care about, but he knew it was important to Eren to contribute, especially considering how little he had when he’d first moved in, so Levi had gifted it to him for the holidays instead.

  Though he was eager to show Levi his pictures, the apartment was surprisingly silent and felt eerily empty as Eren looked around for Levi. He wouldn’t be thrilled with the water Eren was tracking through the apartment, but Eren would mop it up. He glanced up over the fireplace as he walked through the living room searching, stopping in his tracks as he noticed that while he was out, Levi had hung up the birthday gift he’d given him.

  A picture Eren had taken during the last full moon and made into a large framed print. Short of becoming a God, it was impossible that Eren could ever steal a celestial body for Levi, but he’d done the next best thing.

  Making good on a promise from years before, he’d braved frigid temperatures weeks back, and waited until the moon was at its zenith. The photograph he’d taken was something only Levi could have. And no one else would ever be able to capture it again how Eren had, not in that same second from the very same spot. Eren was the only one who’d gazed upon it in that exact way in that precise moment, and he had stolen its beauty for Levi, immortalizing it on film.

  He looked up at the gift one last time, his chest feeling tingly and warm before he resumed his search.

  “Levi?” he called, receiving no answer in return.

  He checked near the door and noticed Levi’s shoes and hoodie were missing.

  _The roof._

It wasn’t out of the ordinary for Levi to venture up there even in the winter months, and it was really the only place he could be. The bar was closed that night due to the storm, his car was still sitting on the street, and there’d been no footprints other than Eren’s own when he returned to the building.

  He walked up the stairs, excited to fetch Levi so he could show him all the pictures he’d gotten that night.

  When Eren opened the door, he saw him leaning on the railing and was momentarily halted by the sight before him. Levi looked beautiful. The lights were reflecting off the snow illuminating everything, framing the blackness of the hair hanging out from under his hat and highlighting porcelain skin. His lips were the palest pink, and there was a faint rosiness sprinkled across his cheeks from the chill indicating he’d been out there for a while.

  “I was wondering where you were,” Eren said when he crossed the threshold, snow crunching under his feet as he approached.

Levi turned and pulled his blanket around his shoulders a little tighter then smiled. It was something that happened more often now. Not that he’d lost that look of impassivity or that scowl he had a tendency to wear sometimes, but Levi was happier now than he was when he first met Eren, and Eren could see that.

  “I came up here to watch for you, and started reminiscing a little,” Levi admitted.

  It wasn’t out of the ordinary for Levi to reminisce, although it wasn’t usually something he would readily admit to. Occasionally, Levi would see something, or they’d hear a song, and Eren would notice the look in his eyes change first, then that little smile would tug on his lips, and he’d pull Eren close and just hold him.

  Despite Levi frequently remaining quiet about it, Eren sensed he wouldn’t be now. He knew Levi well enough to know they were on the precipice of what Levi still referred to as a ‘sappy’ moment between them. It was clear by the steady quietness to his voice, how it lowered just a tiny bit to something slightly more rough than usual.

  “What were you thinking about?” Eren asked as he came to stand next to Levi and reached out, dragging his thumb across Levi’s cheek to brush a melting snowflake away.

  Levi cleared his throat and smiled again before he looked out over the buildings, the hue to his cheeks deepening as he confessed, “The first time I brought you up here.”

  “Oh,” Eren said, his face flushing dark enough to match Levi’s. “That was a long time ago,” he laughed, remembering how nervous he was that night, shutting his eyes tight as he thought about what a terrible kisser he had been then.

  “I’m glad you had the courage when I didn’t,” Levi revealed. He sighed, looked up at Eren then down at his hand as he tangled their fingers together. “You had me so off-kilter, that I, a grown man, couldn’t summon the courage to kiss a brat.”

  “I didn’t do a very good job, though,” Eren said and rolled his eyes.

  “It wasn’t as bad as you think,” Levi revealed. “I didn’t care anyway, I only cared it was you.”

  Eren’s eyes darted to and fro, finally settling on his shoes as he breathed, “You’re going to make me cry.”

  He wasn’t embarrassed, but he didn’t do it too often anymore, and the idea of it made him feel bashful. He looked at Levi and tried to distract himself instead. Reached out and toyed with some stray strands of hair hanging in Levi’s face, the small section of his bangs that had slowly changed over the last two years from black to something closer to salt and pepper. Eren knew Levi didn’t much care for it, though he didn’t hate it enough to dye it when Eren suggested it and he never objected when Eren played with it.

  Eren ran his fingers through the silver streak again, though he didn’t relinquish his hand when Levi’s eyes narrowed.

  “There’s too many there to just rip them out now, I’ll have a bald spot,” Levi groaned.

  “I don’t want to rip them out, I like them,” Eren softly said. There wasn’t one thing about Levi he didn’t love.

  “I look old,” Levi huffed.

  “Shut the fuck up,” Eren said. “You’re not old.”

  “I’m thirty-nine.”

  “I know. Your birthday was yesterday. How can I forget?”

  “I’m going to be forty in three hundred and sixty-four days.”

  “And you’ll still be beautiful, just like you are now.”

  Levi glanced at Eren sidelong, and Eren knew he was trying to suppress a smile.

  “You still look like you’re in your twenties and you know it!” Eren groused. “You only say this stuff, so I’ll tell you how pretty I think you are.”

  “Maybe,” Levi smiled.

  “Now who’s the brat?”

  Eren was answered with a kiss instead of the usual snarky reply. Levi was pressing him back against the railing like he had when they’d kissed up there the first time. The hunger that was present years before returned full force and they ravaged each other before it gradually ebbed away and settled into something sweeter and slower. Levi’s tongue licking softly and gently into Eren’s mouth as his cold fingertips ghosted over Eren’s cheeks then knotted in long hair.

  When they parted, Levi was looking into Eren’s eyes, and he almost squirmed under the intensity of his gaze, barely able to stand it without glancing away.

  Levi pressed his lips to Eren’s chin then looked down toward his pocket and stuffed his hand inside. “Look at me.”

  Eren watched curiously as Levi’s closed fist emerged, trembling just a little as he reached forward and took Eren’s hand in his own.

  Levi wet his lips a few times before he looked up and their eyes met once more. “Remember when you were looking at these a couple months ago?” Levi asked and opened his hand.

  In his palm sat two rings, one silver, and one black. An emerald was set in the silver one, and a sapphire was placed into the black. It was muted, barely blue, almost grey, and Eren noted that the gemstones matched their eyes.

  “From that little shop…” Eren whispered, eyes going wide as his hand settled over his chest.

  They had been out shopping, and Eren saw them in a jewelry store. He’d asked the jeweler to take them out and looked at them for a rather long time, thinking it would be nice for him and Levi to have them, though he hadn’t asked Levi what he thought of the idea. It was a silly sentimental thing, but Eren desired to have a token that said he and Levi belonged to each other.

  “I don’t care about a piece of paper from the government,” Levi started before he paused and swallowed. “But it’s been more than five years, and you’re still here.” Levi squeezed Eren’s hand, looked at the rings then back up at Eren, and cleared his throat. “I thought maybe… maybe you’d like to make it officially unofficial.”

  Over the years, Eren had seen this expression from Levi less and less as his confidence grew. It wasn’t often that Levi looked how he had that day when he’d asked Eren to move in with him. He didn't appear exactly the same now, but there was a hint of that fear he used to see back when their relationship was fresh, and they were still figuring it all out.

  Levi was exposing that vulnerable side of himself to Eren, and Eren knew he really wasn’t going to have the ability to stop himself from crying this time.

  He felt the first tear roll down his cheek before Levi was catching it with the back of his finger and placing a kiss on his skin in its wake.

  “I can see why it would be so upsetting,” Levi joked, as he pulled back, though his voice was tight. “It means you’re stuck with me forever and-“

  “Yeah,” Eren cut Levi off. “I want to be stuck with you forever.”

  “You’re sure?” Levi asked and smirked.

  “Mhmm,” Eren managed as he sniffled.

  Levi carefully brushed his fingers down Eren’s own, then looked up at him and whispered, “Tch, my sentimental brat,” before he slid the black ring down Eren’s finger.

  Eren stretched his hand, testing the feel, and stared down at the thin band of metal in disbelief. This was all he ever wanted. He cleared his throat, took in a deep breath of the cold night air and held out his upturned palm to Levi. “My turn.”

  Levi held out his hand to Eren. Of course, Eren was a little more tender about it all, bringing Levi’s fingers to his lips and kissing them before he whispered, “I love you,” and slid the ring onto Levi’s ring finger.

  “I love you, too,” Levi said as he looked up at Eren.

  He still had a tendency to keep his emotions tucked inside, but Levi never shorted Eren on affection and never refused the chance to tell him he loved him during moments like these.

  Levi leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Eren, blanket and all. He buried his face against the little bit of Eren’s neck that was peeking out above his coat and kissed him there.

  “Thank you,” Levi murmured.

  “Hey, that’s not allowed,” Eren giggled against Levi’s bangs.

  Levi ignored Eren’s admonishment and nipped at his neck. “Don’t care.”

  They stayed that way for a while, holding each other. Just listened to the sound of one another’s breath as the snow fell silently around them until Eren felt Levi shiver in his arms.

  “You’re cold,” Eren said.

  Levi rubbed his face harder across Eren’s neck. “And, you’re warm.”

  “I don’t know how. It’s freezing out here,” Eren observed, voice still watery as he held Levi tighter and kissed his forehead.

  “Hot chocolate?” Levi asked.

  Eren smirked. “Hot chocolate and _cuddles_?”

  Eren felt a hot puff of air and knew Levi was groaning at him, though he felt him smile before he spoke. “Eren?”

  “Yeah?” 

  “Shut the fuck up.”


End file.
